Do you feel like porn has taken over your life? Do you feel addicted, like you can’t go a day without looking at it? Do you need it so badly that you watch it at inappropriate times—at school or at work? Compulsive porn consumption can rob you of precious time with friends and family, drain your finances, severely impact your performance at work or in school, and damage both your mental and physical health.

 If you feel like watching porn is getting out of control for you, take a deep breath. Don’t panic. There is hope. Many people struggle with this same issue, many people recover, and there are many more people ready and willing to support you in a journey toward recovery. For more info about porn addiction and a few steps you can take today, keep reading.

What to Know About Porn Addiction

The Truth About Porn “Addiction”

Porn addiction is not actually considered a disorder according to the DSM-V, but the World Health Organization has added Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder to its International Classification of Diseases, and that includes excessive porn use. Along those lines, scientists say that what “may be perceived as an addiction to porn may be a manifestation of depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder.” And that’s good news for you! If you can figure out the underlying cause of your excessive porn use, you can work to treat it in a way that goes deeper than just adding more filters to your internet browser.

Experts also say that “compulsive pornography use can have a broad range of mental health consequences, including anxiety and depression,” along with a misperception of self-worth, seeing other people as objects, and difficulty accepting reality vs. an “unreal” setting in which everything exists for your pleasure. That means it’s essential that you do seek help. With support you can heal and prevent further damage to your mental health, your life, and your relationships.

4 Steps to Recovery from Compulsive Porn Use

While pornography addiction isn’t exactly like other addictions, it can still leave you feeling enslaved to the behavior or habit of watching porn. If you’re ready to admit that it’s time for a change, start with the following steps toward recovery:

1. Seek professional help. If you think you have a pornography addiction, it is almost certainly a symptom of a larger mental health issue. Depression, anxiety, and even ADHD have been linked to excessive use of porn and masturbation, which makes perfect sense. Both activities can lead to the production of dopamine or serotonin in your brain, and if you have an underlying mental health diagnosis, your brain could be seeking every opportunity to get the chemicals it desperately needs. Find a licensed therapist who has experience talking with patients about porn, and let them help you find a way forward.

2. Identify replacement activities. If becoming preoccupied with and constantly seeking out pornography is your brain’s way of regulating dopamine and serotonin, research other ways you can achieve that. Your doctor may prescribe medication, if it turns out that you have an underlying disorder. You can also try things like exercise (it really works), getting enough sleep (just try it), deep breathing, music, sunshine/Vitamin D, etc. When you start feeling the urge to turn to pornography, replace that behavior with one of these.

3. Mind your surroundings. When, where, and how do you usually watch or feel like watching porn? Try rearranging your life so that your usual habits are interrupted. If you find yourself watching it in the bathroom at school, be careful… getting caught could have serious consequences. Try leaving your phone at your desk or in your locker when you need to go. You can also try leaving your phone or computer in another room when you go to bed in the evenings, making it more difficult for you to access pornography. And remember, watching pornography in public places like school, work, or public transportation is risky behavior with potential legal ramifications. Bring a book with you everywhere, and when you’re tempted to look at porn on your phone, try reading instead.

4. Learn to confront your “shame gremlins.” Feeling shame is central in the discussions and research on porn addiction, and as Brené Brown says, shame only needs three things to make it grow: “secrecy, silence, and judgment.” Where can you root those things out of your life?

https://youtu.be/5C6UELitWkw

Take Responsibility, But Go Easy on Yourself

With more and more research positing that having a compulsive relationship with porn does not qualify as an actual addiction, the responsibility for this recurring behavior is actually on you. It’s not exactly true to say, “but I can’t help it. I can’t stop.” You can. You alone can confront the ways in which obsession with pornography is impacting your life. You alone can seek to change the behavior. You alone can ask for help. Now is the time to take that responsibility seriously and speak with a mental health professional about how you can work on this.

That said, judging yourself and falling into a shame spiral won’t help! The truth is we all struggle with making sure our lives, thoughts, and behaviors are healthy. We all seek pleasure or relief from things that are probably masking the core issue. Whether our coping mechanism is food, exercise, sex & masturbation, drugs & alcohol, bubble baths or video games… all of them have the potential to become compulsive, and therefore uncontrollable and unhealthy behaviors that distract us from the reason we needed to cope in the first place.

Discover the Core Issue

What is it about your life that isn’t fully satisfying you? What is the source of the stress, anxiety, or depression that leads you to seek instant gratification? Who would you be if pornography suddenly disappeared from your life? Do you believe that you have inherent value outside of a sexual context? Does it feel like there is a hole inside your heart or mind that would be left empty without pornography? What is it that has driven you to consume porn so much that you fear it’s a problem? When you really take a moment to focus and consider who you are, do you like yourself?

Pornography Addiction: Is There Hope?

Let’s talk about what it would look like for you to see yourself as a beautiful, wonderful person, created to love and be loved, and born to reflect all that is good on this earth. Jesus doesn’t see a porn addict when He looks at you. No. He sees a brother, a sister, a unique person who deserves all the love and health in the world, and He’d sit down next to you at the lunch table today without judgment. Just check out the stories about who he hung out with and see for yourself. Take that unconditional love and acceptance and use it to drive you forward on a path for healing. If you are feeling convicted to make a change, you are not alone…God is right there with you and can give you the strength you need. If you want to talk to someone about porn or about your identity in Christ, you can chat with a Hope Coach who will connect you with resources to assist you. Remember, you are never alone–don’t be afraid to reach out.

For more on the very controversial topic of pornography use read, "Am I a bad person for watching porn?"

Did you know that 36% of all Americans (including 61% of young adults) report feeling seriously lonely? Connecting with other people is a necessary part of a healthy, fulfilling life, yet never has friendship been more difficult than it is now. From the continued evolution of social media and the metaverse, finding (and keeping) genuine friends is a daunting task. Where are you supposed to look for people who share similar views and who will value your friendship in return?

What to Know About True Friendship

What Is a True Friendship?

While it’s true that in some ways, society has never been more “connected” than it is now, simply becoming friends with or following someone’s online presence doesn’t mean you’re actually pals. A true friendship is something that requires more time and care than a single click. A real friend is someone you can call when you need support, who you trust and respect, and who you enjoy spending time with and supporting in return. Take a look at your current friendships and reflect on whether they possess these aspects of a genuine connection:

• Honesty, trustworthiness, and respect. You can be certain that you and your friend tell each other the truth and that when something is shared in confidence, that confidence will be respected. You can also trust that your friend will act in a way that is respectful to your values and boundaries, as you do for theirs.
• Balanced initiative. You know that your friend thinks about you when you’re not together and isn’t just using you for what you can do for them. They take the time to schedule hangouts, and check in with you on your feelings and important life events, as you do for them. You don’t feel like the friendship is one-sided.
• Empathy. You and your friend listen to one another without judgment, always trying to understand what the other is going through, and offer any support you can.

A shared sense of humor and enjoying the same activities can also be important aspects of a friendship, but a true connection goes deeper than those things.

What Should I Do About Toxic or Shallow Friendships?

Do your friendships have these characteristics? If not, ask yourself why. If it’s because you simply haven’t taken the time to cultivate deeper friendships, give that a try. If it’s because your friends are not kind, trustworthy people, that’s a red flag. Though nobody wants this to be true, sometimes friendships end. If you’ve tried to grow and improve a particular friendship, but it still isn’t a healthy relationship that aligns with your values, it may be time to consider a “friendship breakup.” Ending a friendship is never fun, but ultimately neither of you will benefit from an unhealthy relationship.

Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends?

Maybe you’re thinking, “Sure, a true friend sounds great, if only I could find one! It’s just too hard.” We hear you. Friendship takes work! There are a lot of things that can get in the way of us forming important connections. Here are a few reasons we might struggle to find true friendships:

• Social anxiety. You may be unsure of yourself or your social skills. You may even be worried about being rejected. Consider talking to someone about social anxiety if you think it’s stopping you from making friends.
• Time. Are you booked 24/7? You have to be able to spend time with your friends if you want those friendships to grow. Consider making “friend time” a part of your busy schedule.
• Lack of intention. “Out of sight, out of mind” is a phrase too often true for people these days, especially when so many of our relationships are long-distance or virtual. Make sure you don’t forget about your friends just because they aren’t around you all the time.
• Limited access. Maybe you go to a very small school, live in a small town, or simply don’t feel that you relate to any of the communities readily available to you. Consider broadening your horizons, joining new clubs or groups, or using technology to connect with people long-distance.
• Shallowness. You have friends, but they’re not good friends? That doesn’t mean they can’t be! Try pushing a surface-level friendship to the next level by asking someone if they want to hang out one-on-one. Try getting to know them better.
• Social media & technology. These can be really useful tools for creating and maintaining friendships, but they can also be a distraction from spending quality, face-to-face time with friends. Make sure you have connections that don’t just exist on a screen.

Are any of these things standing in the way of you making true friends?

How Do I Find Friends with Common Interests?

Now that you’ve confronted the obstacles, how can you find these potential friends? And how do you pick the right people? Try these ideas for finding new, quality friends and making sure your current friendships are strong:

• Take stock of the world around you and decide what you value. When you know what’s important to you, you can prioritize spending time with people who value the same things. If theatre or storytelling are important to you, audition for a play–you’ll be sure to find people there who love what you love. If supporting your local community is important to you, volunteer at your local community garden, soup kitchen, or homeless shelter–the other volunteers will likely share that value too! 
• Don’t be afraid to diversify. Sharing values doesn’t mean your friends should be exactly like you. It’s okay to have friends with different views, so long as you agree on a few essential core values, like honesty, integrity, equality, or whatever is most important to you. Beyond those things, keep an open mind! Agree to disagree on things like whether pineapple belongs on pizza. You might miss out on a potential “bestie” if you’re too afraid to have a diverse friend group.
• Make sure your friendships go beneath the surface. Don’t just play a game of pick-up basketball down the street and then cut out as soon as your turn ends. Take the time to get to know people, their names, their interests, and their sense of humor. Hang out one-on-one or in small groups to encourage relationship growth, and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with those who you judge to be trustworthy.

In the end, the only way to start or check in on a friendship, is to talk to people. We know… but you can do it! 

Everyone Needs Friends

Is there someone you need to send a text to right now? A friend you haven’t checked on for a while, or an acquaintance from school who could turn out to be a good friend if you just gave it a chance? Go ahead and send that text right now. We’ll wait…

You did it–showing up is 90% of the battle in relationships. But is it really worth all the trouble? Yes! Strong friendships are incredibly beneficial to our happiness and well-being! Research shows that isolation and lack of connection have a very poor impact on mental health, proving that everyone needs friends. 

Even Jesus had friends! And there are multiple verses in the Bible that talk about us being “friends of God.” If you want to know what else God says about friendship, check out the resources we have on relationships at TheHopeLine, and remember that you can always chat with a Hope Coach when you need someone to listen to your story without judgment. We’re your friends too!

A strong friendship will only get stronger when people are clear about what they need from one another Not sure where to start? Try these steps.

Your family is supposed to be your safe place. From childhood, you need to understand that you can go home to find love, compassion, attention, respect, guidance, and care. From that you learn essential self-esteem, boundary-setting, and a sense of stability. You know that no matter what, you have a stable and welcoming place to return to with a roof, a meal, and a hug. Too often, however, life gets in the way of this ideal, and the consequences of growing up in a dysfunctional home can be devastating.

If you’re feeling unsafe, unhealthy, or unsupported at home, you may be wondering if your family is dysfunctional. Or maybe you’ve left home by now, and you’re starting to realize that maybe your family didn’t exactly set you up for success. Let’s look at how to identify signs of family dysfunction, why it happens, how it impacts you, and what you can do to move forward.

How to Handle a Dysfunction Family

Signs of a Dysfunctional Family

Every family dynamic looks different, and the same goes for dysfunctional ones. Your family may be unhealthy in one way, while your neighbor’s family is in another. The following list is not exhaustive, but it’s a good start if you’re trying to figure out where your family falls short of healthy.

Your family may be dysfunctional if:

• Family members routinely withhold love until their expectations have been met.
• Abuse of any kind and neglect on any level have occurred in the home, especially when that goes unaddressed.
• Caregivers are emotionally unavailable to see to their children’s needs.
• Anyone in the household struggles with substance abuse or addiction.
• Anyone in the household struggles with untreated or improperly treated mental health concerns.
• Caregivers are authoritarians who refuse to accept that anyone but them can be right.
• Caregivers have toxic relationships with one another.
• Caregivers have problems like workaholism, shopaholism, gambling, or eating disorders.
• Everyone in the household is expected to or actively contributes to ignoring or denying any problems in the home.
• Anyone in the household is enabling or excusing dysfunctional behaviors.
• There is a high amount of conflict in the home, like screaming, yelling, fighting, physical altercations, door slamming, throwing things, etc.

Do any of these sound familiar? If you’re still not sure whether or not your family dynamic is or was dysfunctional, check out the helpful list of questions in this article from VeryWellMind.

Understand the Roots

Now that you’re coming to terms with the idea that your family isn’t exactly healthy, it’s important to understand why dysfunction like this occurs. Identifying the source of your family’s issues can help you proceed with knowledge and compassion as you address the issues and go about healing.

Usually dysfunction has a long-term history in your family system. In other words, the problem probably didn’t start with your parents. It’s often the case that dysfunctional caregivers are behaving the way they do in response to their own trauma. Perhaps they grew up in a dysfunctional home as well.

Another reason could be that they are struggling with their mental health, and they can’t or won’t get the treatment that would help them be a healthy member of the family. Substance abuse is a significant factor in dysfunctional behavior, which is often an attempt to self-medicate a mental health concern, consciously or not.

Another huge source of dysfunction that’s not to be overlooked is socioeconomic disadvantage. Your caregiver may love you and want to give you their best, but the intense stress that comes from having low income, working crazy hours to provide what little they can for the family, and lack of easy and affordable access to mental healthcare or community support is an incredibly intense and complex burden for them to bear.

Anything that results in a child’s lack of food, shelter, safety, stability, or emotional well-being is, ultimately, a dysfunction in the home. It’s helpful to know, though, that it’s not your fault that your family treats you the way they do. It’s a complicated cycle, and you’re just the latest generation.

How It Impacts You

Whatever the circumstances of your dysfunctional family, the impact it’s made on you is and will be significant. But that doesn’t mean you’re stuck! Many happy, healthy people come from tough family groups–all you need is to be equipped with the knowledge and tools to navigate the circumstance. For instance, you should be aware that because of how you’ve grown up, you’re at risk for mental health disorders like anxiety, depression, PTSD/CPTSD, addiction or substance abuse issues, and other personality disorders. You may struggle to maintain a healthy self-esteem and may have trouble believing you are worthy of anything good. You may also feel shame about coming from a dysfunctional family, or shame that for whatever reason you never quite meet your caregiver’s expectations. Without stability in your home, you may have developed trust issues, grapple with feelings of isolation and loneliness, and experience difficulty maintaining healthy relationships with friends, coworkers, or romantic interests. Knowing these risks is empowering! You can get a head start on taking proper care of yourself.

If any of this sounds like you, please don’t give up. You’re not alone in this. Just because you haven’t been able to rely on your family, doesn’t mean that people don’t care about you or want you to be happy. There is hope. With some information and help, you can have a fulfilling future full of joy and healthy relationships!

How Do You Overcome a Dysfunctional Family?

Simply learning that your family’s behaviors have been legitimately dysfunctional can be a healing realization, and you may feel energized to act on this information immediately. That’s great! But focus on actions you can take for your health. Be aware that talking to your family members about the dysfunction you see and how it’s hurt you will most likely not result in you suddenly having a healthy family. While you may be able to confront them someday, understand that dysfunctional people, by nature, won’t be able to hear what you’re saying or take responsibility for their actions. For now, what is your role in the future of your family’s dysfunction? 

You may have heard phrases before like “break the pattern,” “end the cycle,” or “it ends with me.” Those can all be applied here, but it’s important to be intentional about how you do that. Learning to set healthy boundaries takes practice and won’t happen overnight. In fact, if you immediately dive headfirst into cycle-breaking by trying to do the opposite of everything your family’s done or by immediately rejecting or breaking relationship with your family, you may overcorrect and end up starting a whole new dysfunctional behavior! 

Kimberly Key says it so well, “Take responsibility for your life and feelings, and let others take responsibility for their lives and their feelings. Avoid mind-reading, blaming, scapegoating, rescuing, martyrdom, and being the target of someone else’s blaming. Employ boundaries, and respect other people’s boundaries.” Take it slow, be patient with yourself, and listen to the experts.

Two Things You Can Do Today to Start Healing

1. Get help.

It was your parents’ job to instill self-esteem, a sense of stability, and healthy coping mechanisms in you. That process would have taken years and started before you were old enough to understand. Now that you have to undo what they taught you instead, and learn a whole new emotional vocabulary, you need a good teacher. That’s where therapy and counseling comes in. Going to therapy doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak. Therapy means you are taking responsibility for your own future and removing it from your dysfunctional family’s hands. Talk to a professional soon and often so that you can get started and find support as you process the pain you might feel along the way.

• Down the line, you may be able to try Family therapy, a kind of therapy that you and your family members could do together. For now, though, your priority should be your own mental health.

2. Find a supportive community.

You may be familiar with the idea that “there’s the family you’re born with, then there’s the family you choose.” It’s very, very true. Fight the feelings of isolation and loneliness by surrounding yourself with a group of people who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Find a church or a support group near you. Allow yourself to build relationships outside of the dysfunctional dynamic you’ve been used to.

What Does God Think About Family Dysfunction?

There are a lot of Bible verses about God and Jesus caring for us by feeding us, clothing us, providing shelter for us, guiding us, etc. And while the “honor thy mother and father” verse gets repeated a lot, the Bible’s message is pretty clear that the mother and father should’ve been caring for their child with love and compassion. In Matthew 18:6, Jesus tells us exactly what He thinks of anyone who would bring offense to little children: “it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”

You were a child. You were not given the care you needed, unintentionally or not. God wanted better for you, and He can help you create a healthier future for yourself. If you’d like to talk more about His love for you, or about mental health resources that can help you, reach out to a Hope Coach today. We’re always here to listen without judgment and offer assistance when we can.

For more on dysfunctional families, read how to manage family boundaries when a parent is toxic.

We talk about suicide prevention and awareness a lot on this site, even how to cope with losing someone who died by suicide, but what about those who are still with us after an attempt? Other than feeling incredibly grateful and relieved that their attempt failed, how can we be supportive of those who are navigating life after attempting suicide? What do we say to them? Should we bring it up at all? Should we pretend like nothing happened and try to make their lives just as they were before?

When tragedy strikes, it’s normal to feel like you don’t know what to do. It’s okay to acknowledge that you’re no expert on how to be a good friend, brother, sister, cousin, or classmate to someone who tried to end their life. With rates of suicide remaining consistently high, now is a good time to think about how you’ll respond and offer support if someone in your life is suicidal or attempts suicide. What does a suicide survivor really need to hear?

Remember, if you or someone you know is suicidal, tell someone. Get help. Call 911 or a crisis lifeline. Keep an eye out for the warning signs and support one another.

How to Help a Friend Struggling With Suicide

Top 7 Things to Say to People Who Have Attempted Suicide

1. I’m really glad you’re here.

Showing real appreciation for their presence means a lot. A big part of feeling suicidal is often feeling like nobody would notice or care too much if they were gone. If you can make it a special point to let them know you’re happy to see them, that can go a long way.

2. I can’t make the pain go away, but I’m here for whatever you may need.

Be specific about this one. Don’t dance around the fact that you know they’re recovering from a suicide attempt. Pretending nothing happened or skirting the subject can add to their feelings of not being seen or understood. Get real when you offer support. Do they need someone to call at 2:00 am when the dark thoughts get too scary? Do they need rides to places in order to have the motivation to go out? Do they just need someone to talk to every day? Let them know you care and are willing to jump in when they need assistance.

3. What have you been thinking about lately?

This is a great question to ask any friend on any day, but especially for someone battling with past or present suicidality. Their minds can become pretty chaotic places, and sometimes the question, “How are you?” doesn’t cut it. Work a little harder at asking a more specific question so that coming up with an answer won’t feel as overwhelming to this person who’s already dealing with a lot.

4. Do you have any plans to attempt suicide again? Will you tell me more about that? Can I help by getting rid of the tools you might be thinking of using?

Remember that a person’s suicidality doesn’t necessarily end once they’ve attempted. Just because they survived this attempt doesn’t mean they’re not suicidal anymore. Again, specificity is key. It may feel to you like this is prying, but if you’re close enough with this person to know they’ve just survived a suicide attempt, acting like they don’t need that part of them understood isn’t helpful. If they aren’t interested in that kind of support from you, they’ll make that clear. If they admit that they are still entertaining thoughts of ending their life, ask how they’re planning to do it and if you can help by taking away the things they’re planning to use. You can help them flush medications, lock up sharp objects, etc. It’s also crucial that neither of you keeps this suicidality a secret. Get support or call 911 if the threat is immediate.

5. Want to come with me to go _____?

Suicide scares everyone. This person may not feel comfortable asking to hang out, and a lot of people will avoid inviting them to do things. Whether it’s a trip to get a slushy, a few hours at the mall, or a night in at your place, be the one who makes them feel welcome. Help them see that there are things and people worth staying alive for.

6. I thought of you earlier when I saw _____.

If you know they like Jason Mamoa, send them memes, videos, and interviews. If you know they’re into soccer or theatre or gardening, shoot them a text when you see or hear something related to their favorite topics. Just like #1, it’s easy for a struggling person to believe that nobody notices when they aren’t around, so dropping them a note now and then can help them remember that they’re important enough to be on your mind.

7. I believe you.

Not everyone is understanding about suicide attempts. It’s likely that this person has already encountered a friend or family member who accused them of being overdramatic or has even gotten angry with them for attempting suicide. It can be difficult for a suicide survivor to feel understood or even believed when they try to explain how much pain they’re in. Be the person who hears them, sees them, and believes them. Trust that if they tried to take their own life, they did it because the pain really and truly got that intense.

Things to Avoid Saying

There are also plenty of things NOT to say. 

• I’m shocked.
  • This could add to their feelings of not being seen or heard. If you are shocked, that just means you didn’t really know this person as deeply as they needed you to–don’t rub that in their faces. Do better. They are not shocked that it came to this. It was a long time in the making.

• Why would you do this to us?
  • Another person’s suicide is not about you. Don’t try to make it about you. They are already dealing with the feelings that led them to feeling life wasn’t worth living in addition to the shock of surviving such a traumatic event. There’s no way in which adding guilt or shame on top of that is a supportive or wise thing for you to do.

• Why didn’t you ask me for help?
  • You really can’t think of an answer to this? If they didn’t come to you with their feelings, it’s likely that they didn’t feel their dark and dangerous thoughts would be understood. Instead of focusing on what could have gone differently in their past, consider how you can be there for them now.

• All this drama over _____?
  • Do not, by any means, minimize this person’s pain. It doesn’t matter “why” this person got to the point of attempting suicide. What matters is that they’re alive and that you get a chance to support them moving forward.

• Everything will be back to normal soon.
  • Think about it. Their “normal” wasn’t so great. Their “normal” ended in a suicide attempt. Rather than going back to that, they’re probably desperately hoping that things will be better.

• I’m glad you failed at your attempt.
  • Being alive is not a failure. Surviving is a success. Using words like “failed” and “unsuccessful” sends a message that this person couldn’t even do that one thing right. Words matter.

Also, try to remember that a deep depression is a debilitating mental illness that anyone can suffer from. Just like you wouldn’t ask someone who has diabetes why they have diabetes, interrogating a depressed or suicidal person isn’t kind, logical, or supportive. If you have these questions, it’s normal, but the person who has just survived suicide does not have the answers you seek. Talk to a friend, a trusted adult, or look into professional counseling. Watching someone you love nearly die by their own hand is big trauma, and you’re allowed to ask for support even as you support them.

We Were Built to Support One Another

One of the most commonly reported symptoms of suicidality is the feeling that you are completely and utterly alone. Feeling alone, isolated, or like nobody knows the real you hurt that badly because we were created to be in community with one another. We are not supposed to have to handle everything by ourselves. We are supposed to have each other. The book of Galatians says to “carry each other’s burdens” and, in 1 Thessalonians, to “continue encouraging each other and building each other up.” There is no immediate cure for depression or suicidality, but knowing that we can rely on each other and committing to be a source of support for friends and family is a pretty good step. If you’re still not sure what to say to the person in your life who’s survived a suicide attempt, try talking to God about it. God knows us deeply and fully, which is why He designed us for community and relationships. If you’d like help talking to God, or you’re looking for more suicide awareness resources, you can also chat with one of our Hope Coaches. We believe that nobody should ever feel alone.

Being there for someone who is depressed can bring challenges. Click here to read things to never say to a depressed person.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! It’s also the time of year when we feel surrounded by obligations. We’re expected to give gifts, see family, enjoy events, all with a smile on our face. What if, though, those things aren’t as fun for you as they make them look on TV? For you, sure, there are cute decorations and some tasty foods, but you also have to deal with Aunt Karen at family gatherings. It’s no wonder that “the most wonderful time of the year” is also a time of year when stress, anxiety, and requests for therapy sessions shoot through the roof. That’s where self-care comes in. How can you keep yourself healthy and in the holiday spirit this year?

How to Practice Self-Care Over the Holidays

1. Set realistic expectations. The inner child wants nothing more than that magical Christmas experience that’s portrayed in the movies. We want to believe that the holidays will make the difficult people in our lives more agreeable, for once. We envision snow, hot chocolate, and togetherness. These are wonderful things to desire. However, you now need to consider what you can reasonably expect from the people in your life. Set a few priorities for your holiday season–the activities or events that are your most favorite. Pursue those priorities, and let the rest of your expectations go. For instance, you may desire a peaceful family gathering, but does that ever happen for your family? If not, keeping that expectation will only leave you disappointed. Instead, decide that you’ll be happy with a holiday that ticks boxes that are achievable and enjoyable for you. If engaging with a difficult person feels inevitable this season, create that expectation for yourself, but then remind your inner child that they’ll still get to do the fun things you’ve prioritized.

2. Help your body feel calm and safe. When we’re engaging with difficult people or tough situations, sometimes our bodies are the first to warn us that we’re feeling drained or stressed before we consciously realize what’s happening. If you notice your breathing is tight, that your shoulders have become so tense that they’re hanging out with your earlobes, or that a headache is developing, it’s time to take care of your body. Step away from the situation for a moment. Practice some breathing exercises. Stretch or massage the muscles that are holding your stress. Meditation or prayer can also calm your mind and body. Do this as often as you need to!

3. Steer clear of negativity. We all have those members of the family who are constantly gossiping or complaining or criticizing. When you realize you’ve been sucked into a conversation that engages in these negative activities, try to change the subject. Perhaps bringing up cute dogs on TikTok will be all that’s necessary, but it’s also perfectly fine to say something like, “Hey, I totally get why you’re talking about this, but I’m more in the mood for merry conversations. Can we talk about something that makes us happy?” If the negative conversations continue, it’s absolutely reasonable for you to join a different one or to politely leave the gathering.

4. Be the helper. A great way to make sure you avoid negative conversations is to keep yourself busy. At family events, who does all the cooking, the setup, the serving, the cleanup, etc.? If that person isn’t one of the people you need to avoid, volunteer to help them! They’ll greatly appreciate it, you’ll both have a nicer time, and you won’t be as free to get sucked into conversations with or about difficult people.

5. Make a list of “off-limits” topics. You don’t have to share this list with anyone if you don’t feel comfortable. Just take some time to reflect within yourself and determine if there are some subjects you’re simply not comfortable discussing with your family. If/when those topics come up, that’s a great opportunity for you to decide you’re going to clear all the plates, go check on the little kids, take the dog for a walk, or find something else to do that takes you away from that conversation and preserves your health and sanity.

6. Look into the gray rock method. It’s one way of disengaging from a difficult person who refuses to or cannot change. Sometimes, especially around the holidays, it’s almost impossible to completely avoid speaking to the difficult people in your life. If you find that, despite your efforts, you’re trapped in a conversation with someone who can’t or won’t hear your point of view, try this method to get through it.

7. Schedule alone time for yourself. Know your limits. Some people quite literally have a two-hour cutoff for attending family gatherings–once they’ve attended for two hours, they head home. If you’re unable to leave the place where the gathering is being held, there are still ways you can separate yourself and respect your limits. Maybe you go to your room after a certain amount of time. Or maybe you decide you can only attend two family events, not ten. When you know you have a potentially difficult event coming up, schedule some alone time for yourself before the event occurs and use it to give yourself comfort. Reflect on how past years have gone and set limits for yourself that will protect your mental health and keep the holidays fun for you.

8. Schedule time with your friends. We can’t choose our family, but we do get the joy of choosing our friends. Talk to the people you love spending time with and set up some fun activities to do with them. Caroling, building snowmen, movie marathons, shopping for gifts, or simply walking around town with a hot drink can all be lovely ways to make sure you get the feeling of celebrating the holiday without necessarily having to do them with difficult family members.

9. Plan something to look forward to after the holidays are over. Whether it’s because you have so much fun over the winter break that you’re sad when it’s over, or that the holidays are so difficult they leave you exhausted, it’s normal to experience a post-holiday slump. In fact, the post-holiday blues are a real thing. Planning something for late December or January that you can look forward to, may create a small light at the end of the tunnel when you’re caught in the midst of a difficult time, during or after the holidays. Sign up for a class, join a club, plan a trip, save up for a purchase… Whatever it is, make sure it brings you joy.

The Reason for the Season

Always remember, you are free to choose. You are not trapped. Many of us get so lost in the “obligation” part of “family obligations” that we forget how these events got started in the first place. Families are supposed to gather for holidays because they want to, because it gives them an opportunity to connect after a year of doing their own thing, not because it’s rude to say “no.” In fact, if we look back to the Christmas story of Jesus’ birth, it’s a reasonable assumption that God did not intend for it to be celebrated with obligatory gatherings that aren’t much fun for anybody.

This year, make the joy, love, peace, and comfort of the nativity a key part of your #1 in the list above. Practice the above self-care ideas in order to make sure that your holiday is a meaningful one, even if you still choose to participate in a few things that might be difficult. If you’re struggling with the concept that you are meant to enjoy this time of year, not just the difficult people in your life, circle back to #2. Ask God to remind you that He sent His son so that you may have an abundant life. Ask Him to show you what boundaries you can set to maintain a healthier and happier existence through this season. Our Hope Coaches are here to talk as well, if you’re not sure how to begin. We truly hope you find joy this holiday season!

For more on the importance of self-care, watch this personal video story by Karissa with The Rooted Fruit.

Divorce is a devastating blow to any family, no matter the circumstances. Whether the children were too young to remember when it happened, or they were grown and out of the house by that time, changing the way a family works has a significant impact on them. Even if that divorce was the right thing to do for everyone involved, there can still be pain, and it may take time to figure out what the future will look like, especially during the holidays. Divorced parents sometimes become so caught up in their own pain that they may not notice or prioritize how their children feel about traditions, old and new.

If you’re a child of separated or divorced parents, you may not be sure how to cope with the upcoming holidays. Coping with divorce is never easy, especially in a season full of significant events that are supposed to be fun. Is it even possible to have fun when your parents are fighting, aren’t together, or simply don’t understand that things are different now?

How to Cope With Parents' Divorce

8 Ways to Approach the Holidays As a Child of Divorced Parents

1. Let yourself grieve.

Divorce changes everything, and you will never experience the holidays in the same way as you did when your parents were together. No more crawling out of bed to find that your dad has eaten the cookies left out for Santa but hid the carrots left for the reindeer in the bottom of the glass of milk, while your mom snaps pictures like you are still 8 years old. No more fighting over which Christmas movie to watch because your mom LOVES the Grinch, but your dad prefers Charlie Brown. On the brighter side, no more pretending not to notice that your parents aren’t speaking to each other at the Thanksgiving table… You can feel relief and grief at the same time.

You have lost something that you will never get back, and as you enter the holiday season, it’s necessary for you to allow yourself to feel your grief about that. Ignoring it may buy you a couple of years’ “peace,” but eventually your heartbreak about the situation will resurface. Let yourself grieve.

2. Set your intentions for the season.

Whether this is the first holiday since the divorce, or your parents have been divorced for years, it’s understandable to be nervous. Maybe you don’t know what to expect, or maybe you fear it’ll be a repeat of past family fiascos. Once you’ve allowed yourself to grieve (or feel relief)  that this won’t be like the old days, think about how you would like it to feel.

Do you want the holidays to feel relaxed? Bustling with fun activities? Full of music? Quiet and cozy? Do you want to be surrounded by everyone you love at big parties? Do you want to be home, watching the Hallmark channel with a mug of hot chocolate? Do you want a healthy mix of all of the above?

If you don’t take a moment to imagine what kind of holiday would be most enjoyable for you, you risk defaulting to the stressful feeling that comes from balancing what one parent wants with what the other wants.

3. Communicate.

You’ve already witnessed the result of poor communication. Don’t fall into the same trap of hiding the truth for the sake of “peace” or expecting your parents to read your mind. If you’re feeling sad or angry, share that with them. If you want the holiday to feel a certain way, let them know. No good comes from lack of communication. Your thoughts and feelings deserve to be voiced and heard.

If you don’t feel safe or comfortable sharing your feelings with one or more of your parents, consider another trusted adult–family member, friend, or counselor–who will be able to listen with compassion.

4. Remember you do have a choice.

If your parents divorced while you were still a little kid, they probably had an official court agreement about the holidays to make sure they both got to see you. You may not have had much say in how holiday traditions developed back then. Even if your parents divorced later, you might feel a lot of pressure from one or both parents to make sure you’re pleasing them, dividing up your time “fairly,” and making sure they both get the holiday they want.

It may feel like your holiday plans are decided for you, but you do have a choice. If you hate going to Thanksgiving at your Stepmom’s brother’s house every year, talk to your parents about it. Ask them if there’s some other way for you to celebrate with that side of the family. If your mom complains or tries to schedule another event when you plan to go to your dad’s annual Secret Santa gathering, talk to her about it. Make it clear that you feel pressured and trapped to provide them with holiday cheer, which leaves you feeling none.

Drawing new boundaries, particularly around the holidays, is a big part of rebuilding healthy family dynamics after a divorce. Hopefully your parents will understand and make adjustments to help you feel less pressure. If they don’t, that’s another good time to try talking with another trusted adult about what you can do.

5. Don’t expect things to go perfectly.

Even when everyone involved approaches the holidays with the best and healthiest intentions, something will go wrong. Someone will be late to a gathering. A community event you love will sell out. A cousin will get Covid and have to stay home. Starbucks will run out of peppermint syrup.

It’s important not to pin all your hopes for enjoying the holiday on one or two details. That’s difficult to do, especially if you’re still aching from a recent divorce. Sometimes we cling to one thing, looking forward to it like it’s the one thing that we’ll enjoy all season, but if the power goes out and you aren’t able to do the neighborhood light tour, don’t let that wreck the holidays entirely. 

Have some grace for both you and your family so that when things inevitably get messed up, you’re able to laugh about it and have a good time anyway.

6. Focus on the positives.

When things don’t go perfectly (see above), it’s important to be able to recognize what’s going right. After a divorce, that can be very hard to do. What’s positive about having a frozen pizza with one parent on Christmas Eve, while your other parent is posting Instagram pictures of skiing with their new stepkids?

This isn’t about denying the negatives! That’s not healthy. Acknowledge that your situation is not ideal, but then look around and find things that you are enjoying. You can hold multiple feelings at once.

7. Create new traditions.

Since some of your old family traditions are either gone forever or will never be the same, it’s more than okay to propose some new ones to your family! They are probably craving something that won’t remind them of the divorce as well. Maybe you start going to see old, classic Christmas movies at the neighborhood theater every year. Maybe you start getting really into putting up elaborate lights and decorations at one parent’s house every year. Maybe you host a party that becomes an annual tradition. Anything could become a new tradition as long as you enjoy it.

You’re also allowed to create a new tradition that’s just for you. Since you know your family won’t all be able to participate, or if doing things with the family still reminds you of the divorce, try something all your own. Maybe it’s just that you go out alone on Christmas Eve, buy a coffee, and sit on a bench at the town square. Maybe you go take yourself to the salon and get a snowflake design shaved into your hair! Whatever it is, it’s your tradition, it makes you smile, and it’s something new to hold onto in place of traditions that have been lost.

8. Let yourself grieve again.

Yes, again. Even if the holidays go great, everyone gets along as best they can, and you have a blast…. It’s okay to feel a little sad inside as well. Grief is a process. The grief you might feel as the holidays approach may feel completely different from the grief that crops up during or after the holidays. It’s important to allow yourself the space to process that grief no matter when or why it gets triggered.

Reclaim the Feeling of Family for Yourself

Too often, even after an amicable divorce, everyone involved is left with a sullied belief in the goodness of family. Though it’s absolutely valid to carry grief and distrust about the idea of family, stay open to the possibility that you can still have that kind of unconditional love, trust, and support in your life again. The concept of family doesn't begin and end with your parents. In fact, many people cherish their “found family” as dearly as others do their blood relatives. The Bible also says that “even if [your] father and mother left [you] alone, the LORD would take [you] in.” You are never alone, and you do not have to be without a family.

From hereon, move forward very intentionally with new relationships. Invest in your friendships, be the kind of romantic partner you’d have liked your parents to be for one another, and participate in community organizations that help children and families in your area thrive. Your first family may not have fulfilled your dreams of support and belonging, but you can create one in which you "carry each other’s burdens” as it says in Galatians, regardless of the time of year.

We hope you have a wonderful holiday season with your family, whoever that includes and however it works for you! If you are feeling alone or full of grief after your parents’ divorce, reach out. If you’re curious to hear more about how you can find the love of a family through God, reach out. Our Hope Coaches are always available to listen without judgment and connect you with resources that can help you.

Divorce can bring up complicated emotions, and it can often seem like your parent's divorce is all your fault. But it isn't. Read this blog for help dealing with your feelings.

It’s true… a LARGE percentage of the breakup advice out there is geared toward girls. They get Taylor Swift songs, movies like He’s Just Not That Into You, and so much more content that’s designed to pump up a heartbroken lady. But what about guys? They also end up hurt after breakups. What are they supposed to do? We have good news and bad news. At its core, the breakup advice you need is roughly the same, which is great! You have resources. The bad news? No matter who you are, getting over a broken heart is tough. But! You’ve got this. Here’s a game plan.

How to Handle a Broken Heart

Dealing With the Feelings

Relationships are hard enough, but when they end… That’s painful. So painful that it’s tempting to try to drown out or avoid those feelings, especially when you’re a guy. You might feel like you want to run from the feelings or stuff them deep down inside you and deny them. You might feel like they’re so strong, they’re crushing you until you can barely breathe, let alone think straight. The key to getting through this phase of your heartbreak is to get control over these feelings, rather than letting them control you. How?

• Feel them. That’s right. Guys are usually used to or taught to put up a tough exterior or act like everything is okay when it’s not. You wouldn’t want to be seen as “weak” or “too emotional,” right? But the reality is, if you run from the feelings or push them down, then they’re not actually gone. They keep coming back, and you’ll have to keep running, which means they’re in control of you. It’s the same if you’re feeling absolutely crushed by them to the point that you can’t get out of bed, you’re skipping school, or you’re relying on alcohol or drugs to get you through the day. You’re not actually processing the pain, but simply giving up control of your life to them. It will be hard, maybe even the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but you need to listen to the feelings, write them down, reflect on them, and maybe even let yourself cry–yes, guys are allowed to cry. Give your feelings some attention, so that they don’t insist on crushing you or chasing you. Tell them, “Hey, I hear you, and I’m giving you some time every day, but you can’t have all of my time.”
• Share them. We don’t just hide from our feelings when we’re in pain, do we? We hide from our friends and family, especially if we feel any shame about the heartbreak. Whatever the circumstances of your breakup, shame loves to tag along with pain and say things to you like, “Don’t bother them with your sob story. They’re busy, or they’ll think you’re weak.” Don’t listen! Isolation is a key ingredient in so many mental health problems that even if you don’t know what to say, you’ve got to make sure you’re talking to someone about what you’re going through. Lay all your feelings out there with God, a close friend or trusted adult, like a parent, teacher, or counselor. Knowing that you’re not alone, and naming the feelings aloud, can strip the feelings of some of their power. If you’re not sure who you can talk to, reach out to us at TheHopeLine. We can connect you with great resources, and our Hope Coaches are great at listening.
• Give them time. Feelings are powerful, and they’re not going anywhere after just one day of reading breakup advice or talking to a friend. Be patient with yourself. Do the work of healing every day, and eventually, you’ll have a day when you realize you don’t feel heartbroken anymore.

If you’re having trouble wrapping your mind around how to connect with your feelings because it doesn’t feel like what guys around you are doing, take a look at how lots of male celebrities are challenging toxic masculinity. Terry Crews is all muscle on the outside, but he plays characters, like Terry Jeffords in Brooklyn 99, who express their feelings without losing a single shred of their strength or ability to protect others. Crews also using his platform to speak out about the importance of vulnerability, and at the same time made an Old Spice commercial where he played the drums just by flexing his muscles… it’s 100% possible to be “strong” and vulnerable at the same time.

Taking Steps Toward Healing

As you learn to listen to your painful feelings and take care of them, the rest of the healing process is going to be all about your heart, your mind, and your body. Heartbreak can take a toll on every part of you, so it’s important to be thorough as you go about rebuilding the hope and joy that pain can steal from us.

Your Heart

This is the part of you where you’ll feel the anger, the sadness, the shame, the regret, the betrayal, or the confusion of your breakup. As you learn to listen to these feelings, consider what you can do to offer your heart some comfort while it’s struggling. This is where that classic trope about girls eating pints of ice cream after a breakup comes from. 

Do you have a favorite meal? Do you have a favorite place? Do you have a favorite hoodie? Do you love it when your mom cuts the crusts off your PB & J? Do you love to watch reruns of a certain show? 

Now’s the time to start reminding your heart that just because one person you loved isn’t in your life anymore doesn’t mean all the things you love are gone. Treat yourself to some things that make you feel warm, cozy, and loved so that you can keep your heart in shape for a future when the heartbreak is over.

Your Mind

This is where you intellectualize your feelings and turn them into thoughts. When your brain is flooded with the chemicals and hormones that follow extremely painful feelings, it can be hard to think straight, which is why we hear about people doing unexpected things after breakups. It’s true that you might look VERY cool if you shaved your head, but remember that now is not the time to make big decisions. Be patient, and wait out the heartbreak so you can make sure your actions are really what you want and not your painful feelings.

 For the same reason, it’s also wise to avoid abusing substances during this time. Your judgment is clouded with feelings that won’t be there forever, and drinking heavily or abusing drugs can result in permanent consequences.

 The number one way to keep your mind in healthy shape is going to therapy. You may not think you need therapy because it’s only for “crazy people” or because that’s just “not something guys do.” Those are lies that toxic masculinity culture tells. A therapist is just someone who knows how to listen to the millions of thoughts you’re having and help you figure out a way through them. You don’t have to go forever, but it’s a great idea to consider going while you are healing from a broken heart.

Your Body

You might be surprised how much a broken heart can impact the body! Let’s just say, it’s easy to neglect or mistreat your body when you’re overwhelmed by mental and emotional pain. Be careful during this period of healing that you aren’t abusing your body by cramming it full of junk and then wondering why you still feel awful. Remember that exercise, even just a walk around the block, actually produces chemicals in your brain that help to fight off the noisy, painful thoughts. Make sure you’re feeding yourself nutritiously, drinking plenty of water, and moving your body so that you have the fuel to get your brain and heart through this.

Remember: healing a broken heart takes time. Don’t rush it, and be kind to yourself along the journey.

Consider Loving Again

So you’re being patient with yourself, you’re not isolating, and you’re tending to your heart, mind, and body. Now for the big question! Can a heartbroken man love again? Romantic relationships can feel terrifying after you’ve had the experience of heartbreak, and it’s not uncommon to feel like you’ll never love again. That may be true for a while, too. Your heart is hurting and needs to focus on other things for a while. But someday when you’re ready, open your heart to the idea of finding a new love. Don’t deprive yourself of that opportunity just to avoid future pain.

In fact, this is a good time to consider talking to God, again. He promises over and over again in the Bible to carry our burdens, tells us not to be afraid, and plans our future to be full of good things. With Him on your team, you can be confident that no matter what happens in your next relationship, you won’t be alone, and you’ll never be without love. Talk to Him about how you’re worried that you’ll never love again, or that you’re afraid you’ll just get your heart broken again. He listens, He loves you, and He’s with you. 

If you want to hear more about how God’s looking out for you, reach out to TheHopeLine. We’re so sorry that you’re heartbroken right now, but we’re here to walk beside you as you heal. Keep your head up!

Picking up the pieces of a broken heart can be tough, but healing heartbreak is possible. Here are 6 tips for healing a broken heart.

Anger is a powerful emotion, and we often categorize it as “bad.” But is it? Sometimes. Odds are, if you’re looking up articles about anger, you’re struggling with it. While it’s “bad” that your anger is hurting you, it’s not necessarily bad that you feel it in the first place. If you find yourself wondering, “Why do I have anger issues,” or “Why can’t I control my anger,” it may be that this emotion has started to control you, rather than you being in control of your feelings. Anger on its own is a healthy emotion. Uncontrolled anger is probably not.

Do you know where your anger is coming from? Many consider anger to be an extension of other root emotions like fear or sadness, putting up a wall around the pain we feel so that we can hide behind the red-hot urgency of fury rather than admit that our hearts are broken or afraid. That may be true for you too. Wherever your anger stems from, the most important thing is to learn how to deal with it healthily so that you can move through it instead of continuing to feel consumed by the feeling.

How to Handle Lingering Anger

Dealing with Anger

What Are You Angry About?

The only true answer to “why” you’ve been in a state of anger for a long time is to identify the “what.” If you know what you’re angry about, it’s time to confront it. If you don’t know, it’s time to dig deep and figure it out. Anger can come from a lot of places: feeling disrespected, unsafe, hurt, anxious, powerless, or even just being flooded by a memory of a time you felt those things. Even witnessing someone else experiencing those feelings can be a trigger for anger. No matter where it comes from, anger has a tendency to hold on until we let it go, but we’ve all seen Frozen. Sometimes letting go is a process that takes more time than changing your clothes and braiding your hair. Make yourself a cup of tea or coffee, grab a pen and notebook, and settle in for a journaling session, because it’s time to figure out what you’re so angry about and why.

It may help you to ask yourself these questions. Answer as honestly and in as much detail as you can.

• Are there any specific people who come to mind when you feel angry? Who are they? What do they have to do with your anger? Do you feel like you can safely confront them about your feelings? What would you say to them if you did?
• Are there any specific events that come to mind when you feel angry? What exactly happened at these times? What went wrong with these experiences that led you to feeling anger?
• Are there any specific settings that come to mind when you feel angry? Where are you when you get angry? Are you at home, work, school, or somewhere else? What is it about these places that cause you to end up feeling angry?
• What happens when you get angry? How does your body feel? What do you usually do? Has that been working for you? Why or why not?
• Why have you been wondering whether your anger is an issue? What about the past few months has led you to consider whether your anger is unhealthy? How is your anger hurting you? How is your anger hurting others?
• Why do you want to be free of your anger? What about your life would improve if you learned how to better manage anger?

Go through these questions with a counselor or therapist if you’d like. Hopefully, taking the time to examine your anger will help you identify its source. Keep in mind that there may be more than one source! It’s more than possible to be angry about more than one thing at a time. What’s important is getting to know yourself so that you can figure out where and how you’d like to improve.

How Can You Deal With Anger in a Healthy Way?

What’s the big deal? Everyone gets angry, right? Yes… but when you are consumed by an anger issue for a long period of time, it can become dangerous for your health. When you get angry, do you notice how you might feel warmer, your heart beats faster and harder, and sometimes you even sweat or need to move your body? That’s because anger feels just like stress to your body, sending you into fight-or-flight mode, and a chemical called cortisol increases in your brain. If you spend enough time with elevated cortisol, your body suffers because it’s working overtime to remain constantly ready for a fight–your heart, your lungs, your stomach, your brain… they all stand to decline in health if you don’t learn how to calm down and drop out of that state of stress.

If you’re interested in learning how to control anger so that it doesn’t become destructive to yourself or those around you, check out these tips:

• Create distance between yourself and your triggers. Amy Morin, LCSW of VeryWellMind calls this “changing the channel in your brain.” If you notice yourself beginning to feel angry about something, walk away. Excuse yourself from what you’re doing before you explode. Later on, if you find yourself ruminating over what made you mad, busy yourself with another activity. Clean your room, go on a run, head to the movies… anything to distract your mind while you calm down.
• Be careful about venting. While talking to a trusted friend or family member about how you’re feeling can help you calm down, it can also fan the flames. If you really need to get your angry thoughts out, consider an “anger diary” instead. A piece of paper won’t say things like, “that was ridiculous,” “screw them,” or “I hope so-and-so falls off a cliff,” when you write about what’s upsetting you. You get to document your honest feelings in the moment without saying anything you’ll regret or getting even angrier as you tell a friend who’s just trying to be supportive.
• Practice some relaxation techniques to get your heart rate back down. Breathwork, meditation, yoga, a walk, some fresh air, and listening to calming music are all great ways to get your mind and body to calm down. Sometimes, once you’ve had a few minutes away from the anger trigger and eased your mind out of fight-or-flight, you’ll find you aren’t even angry anymore. If you are still angry after you’re calm, you’ll be able to come up with a much more rational plan of action than when you were fuming.
• Consult with a counselor about whether your anger could be linked to other health concerns. Are you abusing alcohol or another substance? Are you in chronic pain or discomfort from a medical condition? Are you struggling with proper sleep habits? Do you have mental health concerns like depression or anxiety that could be contributing to feeling angry all the time? Anger, like all feelings, is complicated. There’s no reason you should try to plow through this complex obstacle on your own. Talking to someone who has made it their career to understand human emotions is one of the best things you can do as you learn to process your anger.

Remember, it’s a process, and the point of this is not to teach yourself not to get angry. Rather you’re just learning how to make sure anger doesn’t control you. Be patient and allow yourself time to practice.

When Is Anger Good?

God’s wrath is pretty famous… Many point to it as a reason they don’t love religion. If God loves us, why does he smite so many people in the Bible? While the God of the Old Testament does some pretty frightening things, His ambassador of love and kindness, Jesus Christ, also gets angry a few times–righteous anger, expressed healthily, can be a beautiful and powerful tool for positive change. If you feel that something truly unjust is occurring, that should make you angry, and you have every right to express that, preferably in a controlled, healthy way. On (very) rare occasions, an angry outburst might be justified and even called for. The problem arises when outbursts of anger become dangerous to others or are your go-to for every little thing that frustrates you… If you feel like you might have an anger problem and want to dive deeper into this blog’s topic, please reach out to a Hope Coach today. We understand the strong hold our emotions can have over us, and we’re here to listen to how you’re feeling without judgment. You’re not alone in this!

Many people get angry when they see other people treated wrongly. Using your anger for good, by expressing it with focus and passion can be very inspirational to other people.

We’ve talked a lot about emotional abuse on our site, but today we want to dive a little deeper into some common terms that pop up in the conversation around abusive, toxic, or narcissistic personalities. There are so many ways emotional abuse can manifest that this post won’t be able to cover all of them, but a few of the most common and insidious types are known as “withholding,” love bombing,” and “the silent treatment.” If you’re wondering, “What about gaslighting?” don’t worry–we’ve covered that in another post.

How to Handle Emotional Abuse

Love Bombing, Withholding, and Gray Rocking

What is Love Bombing?

At first, love bombing feels great! In a romantic relationship, this is the part where you’re falling in love. They make you feel seen and heard. They give you gifts and compliments. They perform acts or service, seeming selfless and kind. How could you not appreciate this person? You grow attached and even dependent upon them because they seem awesome.

For a toxic parent, examples of love bombing might look like extravagant shopping trips, expensive gifts, or telling you how proud they are of you. In a toxic dating relationship this might look like love letters, good morning texts, cute gifts, etc. It doesn’t have to be big, though. Even subtle love bombing is enough to convince us that this person would only ever do what’s best for us, that this is a healthy realtionship.

If you notice that your abuser is love bombing right after a major fight, breakup, or period of distance between you, they may actually be “hoovering,” which is another emotional abuse term that is meant to describe how they try to suck you back into the relationship by acting sweet, kind, or attentive. Regardless of when or how the love bombing occurs, it’s an insidious way to keep you addicted to the relationship, convincing you that there’s always a future in which your relationship with this person could be healthy.

What is Withholding?

Withholding is an abusive tactic that involves a person keeping love, affection, or even basic care from you until you do what they want you to do. It may not be communicated out loud, but somehow you are aware that you won’t get “love” from this person until you concede to their expectations. It’s basically conditional love because the toxic person is making it clear that they will only love you under specific conditions.

For a toxic parent this might look like your dad never giving you the time of day unless you score a touchdown at a game or even refusing to let you sit down at the dinner table until you apologize for something. In a toxic dating relationship this might look like your girlfriend saying that she won’t go to the dance with you unless you buy her something or help her with a project.

Witholding often happens after a love bombing phase, so you are left feeling emotional whiplash and wondering where the sweet, giving person went and feeling guilty as if you’ve done something to make them change their tune. All you want to do is work hard to get that love bombing phase back, which is right where they want you.

Is the Silent Treatment Abusive?

A form of withholding but often more blatant is the famous silent treatment. The name speaks for itself, ironically. It’s when the toxic person literally stops speaking to you, sometimes even pretending not to be able to see or hear you, for a period of time. After it’s over, they may claim they needed time to “get over” something you’ve done, or they may communicate that they won’t speak to you until you meet certain requirements. When someone you love ignores you, it’s heart-wrenching, so of course you’re left wanting to fix the situation as quickly as you can.

For a toxic parent this might look like you coming home from school, saying, “Hi mom,” only to be met with stone-cold silence. She doesn’t even look up from her book. You spend the rest of your day trying to figure out what you’ve done, maybe even apologizing for not taking the trash out and leaving a sock on your floor, until you finally figure out that she was actually mad about your grades the whole time. In a toxic dating relationship this might look like your boyfriend suddenly leaving you “on read” for hours, even days, until you’re finally able to confront him in person and you find out that he’s been angry with you for something you don’t even remember saying last week.

All of the above are tactics that wreak havoc on you, the victim, because they chip away at how you see yourself. You learn to be constantly worried about what they might think of every little move you make, but no amount of hypervigilance on your part will ever actually make them happy. What they really want is control over you, and they have it.

How Can You Protect Yourself from These Forms of Abuse?

So your partner or parent is using one or all of the above methods on a frequent basis… What can you possibly do to defend yourself? If it’s your boyfriend, you can end the relationship and move on… try to heal from the abuse… but what if it’s your mom? Not every toxic relationship feels immediately escapable, leaving you to figure out how to stick up for yourself. It’s very difficult to deal with an emotional abuser because they will do everything they can to maintain control over you, including changing the narrative or temporarily behaving better. Once you’re wise to their methods, however, you can learn how to cut their influence off at the knees by practicing emotional distance. In fact, there’s now a popular term for this: the gray rock method or gray rocking.

What is Gray Rocking?

The abusive person has one goal–control. They maintain control over you by evoking an emotional response from you with their behavior. They know that they can make you feel happy, sad, angry, overwhelmed, or content with one of their tricks. But what if you take that power away from them? Gray rocking is a method of disarming a narcissistic or toxic person to emotionally disengage from their abuse. Essentially, when you are interacting with this person, do everything you can to conceal whatever feelings you have about what they say or do. You can do this by staying distracted in their presence with your phone or a chore, avoiding prolonged eye contact, keeping a straight face, and limiting your verbal responses to simple “yes,” “no,” “hm,” wow,” “okay,” “uh-uh,” etc. Arguing with them or getting upset only feeds them more ammunition to continue pressing your buttons, which is what they’re really after. You become like a gray rock. You remove what they find so entertaining about you. You become so boring to them that they move on.

How is it different from the silent treatment? Is it really okay to use one of their own abusive tactics against them? Well, the silent treatment is almost like a form of withholding in which this person refuses to give you the opportunity to hear them speak until you do something they want you to do. Gray rocking, on the other hand, is not a refusal to engage completely, but a refusal to take the emotional bait they offer you. You are using this method to create a healthier environment, not to control anyone. Therein lies the difference.

Are There Risks to the Gray Rock Method?

While gray rocking can be a very useful method for you as you learn to set boundaries and create more distance between you and your abuser, it’s important to be careful with it. Shutting your emotions off for a brief moment while you interact with someone toxic is one thing. Shutting them off for lengthy periods of time is another. Make sure you have a plan in place to be able to safely feel your feelings after you interact with this person, whether that’s journaling, therapy, or talking to a trusted friend. Bottling up your feelings is unhealthy and can result in more trauma than you already have.

While a toxic person can grow bored enough with your gray rocking that they move on and leave you alone, it’s also important to be aware that in some cases this method may result in an escalation of abuse, wherein your abuser gets so frustrated with your newfound immunity to their tricks that they try even harder to get under your skin. If this is the case, you need to switch tactics and seek help. Create physical distance between you and your abuser–it may be helpful to have an exit plan beforehand to make sure you are able to remove yourself from the situation if this person flies into a rage.

There Are Healthy Relationships Out There

One of the worst results of emotional abuse is that it leaves victims convinced that all their relationships are going to be difficult or tainted. You feel hopeless against future abuse and may even believe that you don’t deserve better. 

THAT IS NOT THE TRUTH.

The truth is that you are worth so much more than they have made you feel. You can have unconditional love. You can have joy. You can have peace. Ask for help–tell someone what you’re going through and find a counselor or therapist to help you formulate a game plan. If you’re not sure where to start, or if you’d like to find out about how you’re already unconditionally loved by someone who sees you as beautiful and wonderful, chat with a Hope Coach today. We are here to listen without judgment, and we don’t condone emotional abuse. Ever. There is hope for you to have a better future.

Want to know more about emotional abuse? Here's how to identify the most common signs of emotional abuse.