My Struggle With Depression And Then Hope

On May 5th, 2014, I got into a relationship with a United States Airman. I had known him for over 6 years as a friend and we had dated a couple of times before that. The month before we got together, I was in a relationship with my best friend from high school. We were together for 2 and a half years. The relationship I and he were in was heading downhill. It got to where I took care of him, he wouldn't get a job, and wouldn't take care of himself hygienically. So, I started talking to my airman. We talked while he was stationed at an undisclosed air base. I was 700 miles away. We were talking and I realized he was grown into the shoes he wears, and he was everything I wanted. I didn't want to leave the relationship I was in, but my airman told me he would always love me, and that he wanted me in his life and that he believe he could truly make me happy. I never stopped loving him from the previous relationships and I knew he was who I wanted, but I was the one breaking up with him in the past relationships. So, I made the choice to get out of the 2-and-a-half-year relationship. However, my airman was afraid to tell me that he was given orders to deploy to Afghanistan for 6 months in September. He thought I wouldn't want to try a relationship again. I cried after knowing that, but not because he hid that from me. I was afraid for him. He wanted to know if I could come help my best friend Mel (who was living with him at the time) keep the apartment they were staying at. It is hard enough to keep an apartment with a full-time job paying minimum wage, but she was only part time and wouldn't have a change to keep the apartment after he shipped out overseas, so I agreed to move down there, get a job and help her keep the apartment. I finished up my 3rd year in college and didn't enroll for the next year.

So, May 1st rolls around, and they leave the airbase, driving 700 miles back home to visit family and friends. They surprised me by showing up at my house that night. They had birthday gifts for me that I didn't know about. My best friend got me a dragonfly necklace and the guy I was talking to at the time got me a pillow pet baby seal that glowed in the dark. I gave the pillow pet the nickname Jumbo, due to his large size. They told me they were still 3 hours away, then they pulled in my driveway twenty minutes later. My best friend snuck into the house to get me, and I ran outside and jumped in his arms, giving him a big hug where I missed him.  4 days later, he comes to see me at my house, and we talked and talked for hours just lying in my bed. And he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was ecstatic and said yes.

So, May 14th rolled around, and we got all my stuff packed and got me moved two states away. I was happy to have someone to fall asleep next to, and to cuddle at night and not be so alone anymore. As time started going by, we got intimate, which was the only thing we had in common. He liked staying on his computer, and building computers, and working on his personal server that he kept in the apartment. I enjoyed talking and companionship, but I enjoyed being near him more. As September seemed to get closer, I was getting worried about him leaving for 6 months. I was so in love with him and didn't think I could last a day without him.

Mid-August comes up, and he gave me some news about his deployment. His orders were canceled. He no longer had to go to Afghanistan. Needless to say, I was happy. I was happy because I wouldn't be alone like I thought I would. I cried again, but with happiness.  More months go by, and we started arguing more, because I wanted to have 'talks' with him, explaining that I felt emotionally neglected because he didn't want to spend any time with me. I was working two jobs by this point. I almost never got a day off from both jobs, and when I came home at 8-10pm after being gone since 7-9 that morning, I wanted just five minutes of alone time with him when I came home. He wouldn't hardly give me the time of day when I came home. He stayed on his computer and done things that made him happy.

Time continuing, he decides to buy a house after having two noise complaints at the apartment he was staying in, so we all started looking for houses. He found the perfect one and decided to buy it. November started becoming a stressful month, and it got to where we didn't do anything anymore. We never went on dates anymore. He wouldn't go with me to Walmart, because God knows I don't like being alone in big places. But at every opportunity, I was going with him wherever he went just to get those 5 minutes I wanted. When he wouldn't give me the 5 minutes I wanted with him, I would stay up until 2am just to be awake when he comes to bed so I could remember the cuddles he would give me that night. And I had to wake up early to go to work. It was worth it to me.
December rolls around, and I am constantly reminding him that I want more time with him. He felt that we had nothing to do together anymore except be intimate, which bored him after a while and which I yearned for because I got time with him. We finally get into a final argument, and he broke up with me.

I spent hours crying in the bedroom, begging him not to do it. I begged him to come to bed with me and hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay, but that night he slept on the couch. I cried until 4am. I texted my mom and told her I wanted to come home more than anything. I cried until I couldn't breathe and cried until exhaustion caused me to sleep.  I woke up that next morning as he was getting ready for work, and as he put on his uniform, I wiped my eyes again as they started tearing up. Many thoughts crossed my mind at the time. Why now? Why break my heart after I move 700 miles away for him? Why break my heart after convincing me to break up with someone and promise me that he could make me happy? He started to head for the door to leave, and I said to him "I love you," and with a distasteful sigh, he looked back at me, and said "And you know I love you," as if he were tired of saying it. He would always say "I love you" before going to work, but that morning was different. It was saying to me "I love you, but not 'in' love with you,"

That day, I decided to go back home. He told me I was more than welcome to stay, but my heart couldn't do it anymore after he said that if I stayed, there would be no more kisses, I love you's, or intimate moments. I asked him to do me one favor to keep my sanity at least until I could go back home to my family. I asked for 3 good days. I asked for 3 days of hugs, kisses, and I love you's. He said he would do it for me. I had hoped that during those 3 days of packing my stuff, hugging him, and kissing him would make him realize that he still loved me. It didn't work and only hurt me further. The night I left was 5 days until Christmas. He helped me get packed and loaded my stuff into my mother's car. My mother and aunt got into the car, and I hugged him and cried harder than I ever cried before. He told me everything would be okay. Maybe after I learned to base my happiness on my life rather than on him and made something of myself then maybe we could try again.

I finally get home after a 13-hour drive and unload my stuff into the house. Since that night, I've went to bed every night crying and contemplating on how my life is going to turn out. I can't imagine my life without him because I put all of myself into the relationship. If I was willing to move away from my friends and family to come help him and be with him, then I must have loved him. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him, and the happy times we shared. It's hard to go through my phone and see pictures of us. It's hard to go to town and see the same red truck he drives. It's hard to go to bed and sleep on the pillow he bought me and to smell him on all of my blankets.

I had been thinking on ending my life. Not saying that I was going to, but I was thinking about it for reasons beyond my control. It's been 3 weeks since the breakup and I'm falling further down into a depression and going on these downward spirals to where I can't think straight or think at all. I just want my humanity turned off. I don't want emotion ruling my life.

So, for a few nights, the thoughts of ending my life came on stronger and it was not what I wanted to do. I didn't want a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So, I started doing research online and found TheHopeLine®.

Here, I was able to chat with a Coach, who suggested that I take care of myself before this depression gets any worse. And the amazing thing was, he/she gave me advice that no one was giving me. They were telling me stuff I already knew and stuff I needed to know. Maybe getting help is the best solution for me because doing nothing will make this worse.

While I was waiting in line to talk to the HopeCoach, I was in one of my downward spirals, asking God "Why am I hurting so much? Why do I think about him all the time? I just want this pain to end, I just want to live life happy again." At the end of the chat, the Coach asked if I would like to pray, and it was there that I believed God wanted my suffering to end. He wanted to guide me out of this dark hole long enough to find one of his people who he calls on to help others. He wanted me to know that he was thinking of me during this whole thing. If it were not for my dark thoughts, I never would have searched for help, and I wouldn't have found it.

God led me to the Coach that I chatted with, and from there, both of them have helped me through this ordeal.

I can only hope and pray that it can get easier here on out. Thanks to anyone who is reading my story.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I may not see it yet, and you may not yet either, but God loves you, and he will guide you through anything. God bless you and have a safe year.

-Sarah

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Mental Illness is not Mental Weakness
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The Do’s (And Don’ts) When Your Friend Is Battling Depression

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I have been on my own over the Christmas period. Since it was Christmas, my counselor wasn't working so I was on my own for a whole week.  I was in desperate need of a reason to live. The HopeCoach I talked to, calmed me down and helped me find the Lord again. We said a prayer together and the HopeCoach spent all night with me from 9 at night until 6:57 in the morning. No other help line does this, so...THANK YOU!  And thank you so much for saving me!
-Rebecca

My ex-boyfriend left me for another girl. I used to be his entire world and now I'm nothing to him. He meant everything to me, and it hurt seeing him in the arms of someone else. It hurt accepting the fact that he wasn't mine and that I had lost him for good. I miss him a lot but thanks to TheHopeLine I realized that life goes on and that I shouldn't stress over a boy who doesn't deserve me.

I realized; I deserve better!

-Nicole

I was around 18 years old when I called in for some guidance. I was in a sexual relationship with my girlfriend for almost a year when we broke up. Because of a sexual relationship outside of marriage I had confused the feelings I had for true love. When we broke up, I did not think I would be able to move on, I had actually thought of hurting myself, that was 22 years ago.

I used TheHopeLine to reach out to someone. I could not share what I was feeling with my youth minister at that time. I did not want people at my church to know that I was going through those type of emotions, I guess I really hid it well. I also did not want anyone to know that I had violated my own beliefs on sex outside of marriage, I was really ashamed.

TheHopeLine helped me express all my feelings and emotions. I don't remember all the advice I received when I called in because I was very emotional. I remember feeling comfort and reassurance that God still had plans for me. I remember that I did feel better about myself after the call. Although I was still struggling with my feelings, TheHopeLine definitely helped.

It never occurred to me to ever call back and let them know that I was ok. I just happened to be surfing the web this morning and saw Dawson's name. I am thankful for Dawson McAllister and his ministry even 22 years later. I have attended several of his conferences and have learned valuable lessons about myself and God's plan for my life.

Thank you, Dawson McAllister, and TheHopeLine®!
-Kenny

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Related Posts:
How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

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Is Adoption the Right Choice for You?

Adoption may be an option that you are seriously considering. Or you may just be wondering what adoption is like. Or you may feel that you could never choose adoption.  Whatever your thoughts, it is always good to have information about all of your choices (including Adoption, Abortion, and Parenting) before you make a final decision.  Adoption might be a good choice for you and your baby. When you consider making an adoption plan for your child, that doesn't mean you don't love your baby. It also doesn't mean that you are taking the easy way out.

What it does mean is that you are thinking about how to best meet needs: yours and your baby's, today and well into the future.  Adoption today may not be what you think. Openness has changed adoption.

Look at Your Options Available for Adoption

While it's true that with adoption, your parental rights and responsibilities are given to another set of parents, that doesn't end your ability to have a relationship with your child. Open adoption involves an ongoing, dynamic relationship between you, the adoptive parents, and your child.

There are different types of openness to meet different needs and levels of comfort. You owe it to yourself and your baby to at least get some information about the options available in adoption, so that whatever you choose, your decision is one that you have thought through and is based on facts.  There is no easy solution to an unplanned pregnancy. Each choice is hard and has its own difficulties. You can empower yourself by getting as much information as you can get about your options. Giving yourself time to consider carefully and weigh each option will help you make the right decision for you and your baby.

10 Questions Expectant Mothers Ask About Adoption

Is adoption the right choice for you and for your child? How can you make a plan that will meet your needs and your child's needs?

We've put together some questions that can help you as you plan for your and your child's future. This isn't an exhaustive list, but it can get you started in the right direction.

How can adoption be a good choice for my baby and me?

If you're not ready to be a parent, you can still give your baby the gift of life by choosing adoption.

Can I choose the family for my baby?

Yes! Most agencies have many adoptive couples who have been studied and approved. You might also want to choose a friend or someone who has been recommended to you.

How much contact can I have with my baby after the birth and after adoption?

You can spend as much time with your baby at the hospital as you choose. When you are planning your child's adoption, you can choose an open adoption plan that allows ongoing visits, or you can choose a less open adoption that keeps you informed through letters and photos. If you prefer not to have any contact, confidential adoption is also possible.

How soon after birth can my baby go to the parents I choose?

The timing of your child's placement depends on your preference, legal aspects, and the role of the birth father. Many mothers want their baby placed with the adoptive family directly from the hospital, while other mothers choose interim care while they consider their adoption decision.

How much will my child know about me?

Regardless of the type of adoption plan, you will want to provide a thorough social and medical history for your child. If you develop an adoption plan that includes ongoing contact, your child will know about you directly.

Does the expectant father have any rights?

Both you, as the expectant mother, and the expectant father have rights. If you disagree about adoption or you no longer have a relationship with him, your agency will work with him and/or the courts to determine his rights.

Can my child find me if he or she wants to search someday?

Searching may only be necessary if there has not been ongoing contact. The law in your state determines when and how your child may access the information in the adoption file, which your caseworker can explain.

How can I be sure that my child will be well cared for?

There are standards that every prospective adoptive family must meet which are set by both the agency and the state in which they live. Families are thoroughly assessed before being approved for adoption, and a caseworker will make visits to the adoptive family after placement to ensure your child's well-being.

Do I need an attorney, or do I pay my agency to assist me with the adoption?

In many states, you will not need an attorney, and most agencies provide services to you at no cost. If you do need an attorney, usually those costs are paid by the adoptive family.

Can I get help with medical and living expenses while I'm making an adoption plan?

Assistance with medical and living expenses is available through many agencies. For details about how your agency can help you in your particular circumstances, contact your caseworker.

Experience Matters!

Used with permission of Bethany Christian Services. Since 1944, Bethany has counseled more than 65,000 expectant parents facing unplanned pregnancies.

With more than 75 locations across the country, Bethany Christian Services is the largest adoption agency in the United States.
1.800.BETHANY

If you are pregnant and wondering what to do, download your free eBook.

Dawson,

When I was younger there was an abuse situation between me and my mom.  The whole family knew about it, but they just didn't want to say anything, cuz at the time they were doing foster and they knew if they said anything there would be an investigation and they would get in trouble.

She always said I would not have enough courage to tell anybody, so she was never worried about it.  One night, I was listening to your show on the radio, it was on z100.

I called TheHopeLine and told them what was happening, the next day they came out.   I was really glad they came out cuz after that she stopped with the abuse and started treating me differently.

I just want to say I'm really thankful cuz at the time I was having a hard time with being able to graduate high school with passing grades after that call things turned around, I was able to graduate high school and went on to be a Marine and now I've been in for almost two years without any problems.

If I hadn't made that call, I would have killed myself that's how much I hated my life but now I'm glad your show saved me.

I've been to ten different countries, and I still listen to your show as much as I can, and I can relate to some of the young adults that call in and give advice to the same situation or different situations cuz other Marines go through the same situations if not worse. So, in the end I just want to say thank you for the hopeline.

Thanks for what you are doing!

I started masturbating when I was 15 years old through the influence of my friend. He was a very good friend to me, he tried to seduce me but I resisted him.  I told him that if he tried again, I would not go out with him again and he left me for some time. 

After a while, he came to me again with the same issue and at that time he taught me how to do it by myself.  I continued from that time until I was baptized. 

The Lord Helped Me Overcome My Addiction

I continued in this shameful act until this year when the Lord saved me from this deadly sin. I prayed and fasted on my own several times for several years until the Lord really answered my prayers.  Now, I have hope for the future glory of His coming.  I really need everyone to pray because there are many people who are struggling like I was.  Thank you.

Has masturbation taken over your life? Here are 3 ways to tell if you are addicted to masturbation.

Guest Video Blogger on Bullying Prevention: Brooks Gibbs

We are excited to bring you a video from our friend and bullying expert, Brooks Gibbs. Brooks takes a whole different approach to bullying prevention. This is not your typical "words hurt" message. Watch and find out!

 Bullying affects so many of us at one time or another...either we've been bullied, we've seen someone bullied, or we've been the bully. Awareness is only the first step; the second step is action.  So, we are excited to bring you a video from our friend and bullying expert, Brooks Gibbs.  He is someone that was bullied, and he has turned that negativity into a positive. His passion is to empower victims with the skills needed to solve their bullying problems.

Brooks is a youth crisis counselor, bullying expert, youth speaker, author of Love is Greater Than Hate, and friend of TheHopeLine. October is National Bullying Awareness Month. Brooks says, "The most important message we can be promoting during this month of bullying awareness is the message of love." Tweet This!

If you want to hear more from Brooks, you can visit his website at https://www.brooksgibbs.com/.

If you or someone you know needs help with bullying then download TheHopeLine's free eBook:

A HopeCoach At 3:45am

I don't know that I ever caught their name on the live chat, but it was 3:45 in the morning and my husband had told me that he was leaving. I felt awful, at my very end. None of my friends were awake. But I found this online and my HopeCoach was very helpful. I needed someone to listen, and they were there. They also provided me with a few resources I intend to follow up on in the morning. I'm grateful for their help.

Thank you, HopeCoach, for being there for me!

If you have the capacity to love, then you have the capacity to be hurt. For insight on how to get over a broken heart, download TheHopeLine’s free eBook.