How to Heal a Broken Heart

Ways to Mend Your Broken Heart After a Breakup

Whether you’re letting go of a toxic relationship or parting ways with a strong love that met bad timing, it can be difficult to move on. While you may be tempted to wallow in your pajamas and obsessively check your ex’s Snapchat story to see what they’re up to, that may not be the ideal way to mend your broken heart.

Finding positive self-care activities will be key to moving on from this relationship and finally feeling like yourself again.

1. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship. Give yourself a little bit of time to truly process what happened instead of avoiding the issues at hand. It’s okay to feel sad or angry – this is a difficult time. By working through your feelings now, you’ll come out of this situation stronger. Consider talking to someone you trust or journaling to work through your feelings about the end of this relationship.

2. Get rid of painful reminders. You likely have accumulated a lot of items that remind you of your ex. Return items that they have left behind and think about parting ways with reminders of your former partner like framed photos. If you are trying to feel better but keep getting reminded of the breakup every time you see certain items around your house it will be difficult to move forward. Keep in mind these reminders might also be digital. Changing your phone’s lock screen from that adorable selfie with your ex to your pet or a photo with friends will keep you from dwelling on the breakup every time you use your phone.
Letting go of these painful reminders can feel really freeing as you work to move on.

3. Unfollow your ex on social media. Even if you both agreed to “stay friends”, seeing your ex posting about their fun adventures and moving on without you is never fun. Unfollowing your ex will keep those painful reminders out of your social feed so you can focus more on yourself. You can always follow them back later if you truly remain friends but take a little bit of time for yourself first! Struggling to resist the temptation of checking their profile? You can always do a full digital detox and put your phone away for a while.

4. Make plans with friends. Going through a tough time alone can be difficult. Lean on your friends – that’s what your support system is for! They may have gone through a similar situation and can provide some helpful advice or could just be an ear to listen. It will also be a nice distraction to do something with a friend rather than sitting at home alone dwelling on your recent breakup. For self-care ideas, you can do with friends, read more here.

5. Address negative self-talk. We all have a tendency to criticize ourselves, but this can be especially true after a breakup. You might be thinking there is something wrong with you because someone else didn’t want to be with you. Or you might be down on yourself because this relationship ending means you won’t make some life goal you set for yourself, like wanting to be married by a certain age. However, negative self-talk can be very destructive, sometimes even contributing to using unhealthy means to change things about ourselves. The best way to address self-criticisms is to think about saying it to a friend. If your friend had their heart broken, would you tell her it’s probably because “She’s too fat” or “She’s unlovable”? Of course not! We are much harder on ourselves than other people. Remember to be kind to yourself.

6. Find comfort during this uncomfortable time. When you are in a relationship, you often find comfort in your partner by venting to them after a long day of work or crying on their shoulder when you feel like you failed a test. But now that comfort isn’t there anymore. Take care of yourself during this difficult time by finding some comfort in other ways. And I don’t necessarily mean throwing on the sweatpants! Watching some episodes of your favorite show or cooking your mom’s traditional recipes can be a great way to feel comfort right now.

7. Find confidence.  Any time you go through a breakup it can impact your confidence. While it might not be a good idea to dye your hair a crazy color or get an impulsive tattoo that you’ll regret later, making a few small changes to your look can give you a major confidence boost. You can also boost your confidence by improving a skill or finding a new hobby. Spend time exercising. Learn something new by doing online research or reading a book to connect with something your passionate about.

8. Prepare to move on. It’s important to take the time you need to heal before jumping into another relationship. But once you feel ready to move on it can help to do a little self-reflection first. Think through what went wrong with your previous relationship. Even the worst relationships can teach you something, like what you definitely DON’T want in a relationship. Make note of what qualities you are looking for in a future partner and what issues you have discovered are deal-breakers for you. Take this information with you as you begin the search for new love. If your relationship ended in betrayal or cheating, you might be feeling hesitant to trust someone again. Try to identify the red flags in that relationship and arm yourself with that knowledge as you begin dating again.

Those are the 8 self-care ideas to soothe your heart and mind after a breakup.

Breaking up with someone or having your heart broken is always difficult to move past. However, with the self-care tips in this post, you can avoid self-destructive tendencies and begin healing.

While it may feel impossible to move past this right now, you will feel better eventually and find love again. Be patient with yourself and remember that the pain you are feeling right now means the relationship was worth having, even though it’s not right for your future path.

About the author...Erin Amborski is a self-care enthusiast and blogger. In her blog, Self Care Seeker, Erin helps women through their self-care journeys by writing about physical and mental health topics such as exercise, skincare, anxiety, etc. In today’s world with life’s daily stresses, we could all use a little more self-care.

You fell in love and got hurt, now what do you do? Download our free eBook with steps to get over a broken heart to help you heal, cope and love again.

My Addiction Story

My name is Joshua and this is my story:

I talked to a Hope Coach a few years ago and I just wanted to thank you so much! The Hope Coach helped me change my life. It was about 3 years ago and I just wanted to give an update.

I was a drug user and had lost hope in my life.

I didn't know what to do about my drug issue and my girlfriend, at the time, was cheating on me and so I chatted with a Hope Coach. Now, I have been sober for 1 year and 3 months and I am a full-time student in a bible college.

I'm single and I am so happy with my life. I didn't finish high school but I'm getting my GED. I'm also helping in my church's youth as a leader and I'm going to help kids that have been where I was.

When I talked to the Hope Coach, they helped me change my life - instead of losing my life in prison and ending up dead. Now, I'm helping people with their everyday problems. Just to see the joy they get, makes my heart feel so good! Thank you for helping me! -Joshua

For help with hurt, pain, or addiction of any kind find a Celebrate Recovery group near you.

How to Handle an Overdose

Immediate Overdose Help

If you need the info right this minute, here’s what to do:

1. Call 911. Don’t hesitate. Give the operator your exact location as well as your phone number in case the call gets cut off. Answer all questions and follow any instructions they give you about how to care for the person who’s overdosing.

Any amount of trouble you and your friends might get into if you’re caught with illicit drugs does not compare to whether or not the person overdosing in front of you lives.

2. Find out if anybody around you has Narcan or Naloxone. If you can get your hands on some, administer it immediately to slow the effects of any opioids in the body. Here’s a graphic that demonstrates how to give the Narcan.

3. Help the person who’s overdosing keep their airway clear until first responders arrive to take over. Turn them on their side and pay close attention to their breathing. If they’re conscious, try to keep them awake and alert.

4. DO NOT let them “sleep it off.” Do not try to induce vomiting. Do not leave them alone. Do not put them in a cold bath or shower. Do not administer ANY other kind of drug or substance.

How to Be Prepared in Case You Witness an Overdose

Now, if you’re just researching this topic so that you’re prepared in case you ever witness an overdose, let’s dive a little deeper. If you find yourself looking for info on what to do in this situation, it’s likely that you or someone you know experiments with or is addicted to some kind of drug. Even though the number of teens actually using drugs is dropping, the number of overdose deaths has almost tripled since 2019. That’s a staggering number of teen overdose deaths–from 492 in 2019 to 1,146 in 2021. And why is that?

What’s happening is that drugs being circulated illicitly are often diluted with chemicals or substances other than the pure Xanax or oxycodone pills a buyer thinks they’re getting. Whether we want to believe it or not, there are actually drug dealers out there who care more about stretching their supply to increase their profits than they do about the beating hearts of children. They will even stamp, score, or put numbers on a pill they’ve manufactured so that it looks like prescription medication and can be sold at a higher price. That means, unless you know exactly which pharmacy or doctor a drug came from, you can never be certain what’s in it.

The Truth About Fentanyl

One of the most common chemicals that leads to overdoses is fentanyl, which is a synthetic opioid found mixed into numerous black market drugs. When used properly, fentanyl can be an important pain treatment, especially for patients hospitalized with a serious injury. However, fentanyl acts fast and is about 100 times more potent than morphine, so when it’s carelessly mixed with other substances at unknown dosages, it becomes the leading cause of most teen overdoses.

What you need to be aware of is the high likelihood that any drug purchased without a prescription or from a fully regulated pharmacy is potentially mixed with synthetics like fentanyl, which makes anyone who uses it susceptible to an overdose, especially if it’s mixed with other medications and alcohol. The best way to avoid overdose, of course, is not to play around with pills, tablets, sprays, drops, paper, or candies, regardless of how “sure” you are that the person who gave them to you is trustworthy or that they are “pure.” Unfortunately, you can’t know for sure until it’s too late, and that’s ended poorly for more and more teens in the past few years.

How Can You Help?

If, however, you know that people in your circle are abusing opioids or experimenting with recreational drugs, it’s crucial that you’re prepared to take action at a moment’s notice. Minutes, even seconds, count when it comes to surviving a drug overdose. Knowing what to do ahead of time could save a life.

• Know the signs and other overdose facts so that you can recognize what’s happening and take action immediately. When a person has overdosed, you’ll notice a few symptoms:
  • Lips turning blue
  • Cold, clammy skin
  • Pinpoint pupils
  • Gurgling or choking sounds with breathing
  • Stiffening of the body or seizure-like activity
  • Foaming at the mouth
  • Confusion or strange behavior before becoming unresponsive
  • Loss of consciousness
• Get training in administering Naloxone, and make sure you carry it with you to events where you know drugs are being used. Naloxone is a drug that temporarily blocks the effects of opioids in the brain allowing the individual to remain conscious and breathe. To be most effective, Naloxone should be administered within two to three minutes of seeing symptoms of an overdose. So if you know someone at risk of overdosing, having Naloxone on hand could save a life. Some communities offer Naloxone for free, check here for a location near you. If there isn’t a location near you, there are other options for receiving it through the mail in some states or through pharmacies.
• Get familiar with your state’s good samaritan laws. Most states have laws that will protect you from getting into trouble if you are trying to help a person who’s overdosing, even if you’re caught using drugs too. Knowing the law can help you communicate to anyone else you’re with that there should be no hesitation when it comes to calling 911.
• If you are able to help save a person’s life, don’t stop there. Usually, no matter how many times they have survived overdosing, an addict will continue to abuse substances. If you can, remain in contact with them and offer your support as they recover from the overdose. You can even suggest recommendations for treatment programs if they’re open to the possibility of getting sober.
• Share this ebook with them! We’ve worked with many folks who struggle with addictions, so connecting them to TheHopeLine could also be a great way to show your support and let them know that there are people who can help.

Take Care of Yourself Too

If you have witnessed an overdose, or if you’re afraid someone close to you may be in danger of overdosing, that’s a difficult trauma to carry alone. Make sure you tend to your own mental health, even as you are thinking about something horrible potentially occurring. If you don’t know who to talk to, you can reach out to a Hope Coach, and we can connect you with resources and listen to you without judgment. We believe that you matter, that you are a precious child of God, and that your friends and family matter, even if there are unwise choices being made about substance use. You don’t have to do this alone!

To learn more tips for recovery support from substance abuse, visit our substance abuse topic page.

Inviting God Into Suicidal Thoughts

My name is Emily and this is my story:

I finally came to a point in my life where I just couldn't handle my problems on my own anymore, even with the Lord.

There's been a lot to deal with, including child abuse, severe bullying, and domestic violence.

I Couldn't Handle the Pain or Shame

Despite several attempts at counseling in the past, things just came to a head; and I felt as if I couldn't handle the pain, confusion, and despair of it all anymore.  Several weeks ago I started to seriously think of ending my life and researching for ways to do it.

Yet, praise God, He somehow kept me going, mostly through worship and praise music.  After the most severe episode of suicide ideation, I felt so ashamed.  That's where TheHopeLine came in. It was a late Saturday night.  Because of the shame and confusion, I dreaded going to church the next day and needed someone to talk to.  How could I face everyone?  "Good" Christians are not supposed to have these kinds of problems, right?

Love Conquered the Shame

West, from TheHopeLine, not only addressed these concerns, but also did so much more.  She helped me, for the very first time ever, to truly believe in God's love!  I told her that trying to believe in the depths of God's love always seemed to hurt so much.  I feared that if I let myself really and truly believe it, I would start crying and never stop. I had never told anyone else this before.  Yet, West was so understanding, so genuine and kind, she knew just what I needed to hear.  This person really cared!  Furthermore, she reminded me of God's truth and dispelled the lies swirling around in my head.

Courage to Get Treatment

That night with West on TheHopeLine was a turning point in my life.  Believing in God's love has given me strength and clarity to honestly face complex-PTSD and get the help I need. At present, I am waiting to get into a local residential treatment program for trauma.  It's a little scary to think about, not knowing what the future holds; but that's okay.

Because of West and TheHopeLine, I can continue moving forward, remembering that depression is nothing to be ashamed of.  There's help and we are not alone!
- Emily

If you feel that you can no longer handle the pain or the shame, hopefully, Emily's story gives you HOPE. You are not alone and help is available.  Chat live with a caring Hope Coach.

How to Find More in Life

Is there something more to life? Something more than this?

Here you are. Here. Right now. Looking at a computer screen or your phone. Another second goes by. Another moment of life. Zoom. It's gone. Oops. There goes another one. The seconds and minutes pass. An hour. A day. A week. A year. Here today. Gone tomorrow.

Here you are. Somewhere on planet Earth. What are you thinking...RIGHT NOW? Nothing? Or is it something like, "I want more"?

Yes, but more what? Friends? Parties? Dates? Money? Travel? Clothes?

Remember when you got that thing you wanted, or finally dated that person you wanted to date...remember the feeling you had afterward? Wasn't it something like, "That didn't radically change my life like I thought it would"?

Then what do you do? Go back to the drawing board?

Maybe the experience or the thing you hoped in wasn't really what you were looking for after all. Or maybe you just need MORE of that experience or thing. More money. More travel. More dates. More parties.

But even then you're left with the feeling, the plaguing thought: "I still want more."

So you want more. More of something. But you're not sure what that something is. It's like there's a constant itch in your life. The feeling that something is missing. The feeling that there must be something more IN life and something more TO life. Something more to be gotten out of life.

You think, "Am I just a round peg in a square hole? What's the deal? What's my problem?" The itch remains. And what you've experienced so far just hasn't scratched it.

Of course, this isn't something you tell your friends about. If they knew you were having these thoughts, surely they'd say, "Wow...s/he's getting WAY TOO serious about life."

But maybe they've got the same itch you do. Maybe they have the same thoughts you do. Maybe everyone is under a conspiracy of silence: "I don't want anyone to know what I'm really thinking about life."

Have you ever considered that the itch has something to do with God? Sure, God is around us, invisible to the naked eye. But God also exists in realms beyond ours. And maybe that's the dilemma. We need something beyond our realm to scratch the itch.

What if life has been set up (by God) in such a way that nothing in this realm can fully satisfy us? Even good things like a successful career, a healthy home life, getting married to someone you really love. Maybe even those things still leave the emptiness. Maybe even those things don't scratch the itch. Why? Because they're in this realm. And because we need something outside this realm to fulfill our lives.

Maybe God has designed us that way, so that we would seek him.

Think about it. If everything we ever wanted or needed could be gotten from the world we live in, then we wouldn't want God. We wouldn't feel the need for him. And maybe he feels he's too important to be overlooked.

So here you are. Right now. Needing more. Wanting more. But what if the "more" you want isn't found in this world? Then what? Where do you turn?

Our deepest needs and longings can't be met by anything in this realm. We need God, who is outside of this world, to satisfy us ultimately. Only a relationship with God ultimately satisfies our spiritual thirst. We need his "living water." We need to know him and have a relationship with him. Otherwise, we will be "thirsty" in life. Thirsty in a spiritual sense.

That's why Jesus says, "whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst." Knowing him satisfies our thirst. It scratches that nagging itch we have. The itch that nothing else seems to scratch.

Often people will try to satisfy their spiritual needs with things that aren't spiritual -- things such as money, popularity, being physically fit, having nice things.

Or they will try to satisfy their spiritual needs through some form of spirituality that does not involve a personal relationship with God.

Jesus himself is the only reliable "well." He's the only one who can give us "living water." And the water he offers is a gift. Is it a gift you would like to receive? It will make a huge difference in your life right NOW.

Yes, tell me more: Learn More About God

This post was originally published here. If you have further questions about God? Please see www.everystudent.com 

If you have asked God into your heart please visit www.startingwithgod.com

So you’re ready to stop lying… maybe you already tried. Maybe you’ve looked at some of our other resources about the topic, and maybe you’ve accepted that your lying problem is getting in the way of living (and enjoying) your life to the fullest. When you’ve developed a habit, however, it can be hard to break on your own, especially when it’s as complicated as hiding the truth about who you are, what you do, how you feel, and why you lie about these things.

Breaking bad habits is tough. Breaking them without support can feel nearly impossible. Compulsive or habitual lying is ultimately a mental health issue, so you may require the support and guidance of a mental health professional, but to access that kind of help under the age of 18, you may need to talk to your parents. Talking to our parents can be intimidating for many reasons. Maybe you don’t have the best relationship with them, or maybe you are worried they will judge you or even punish you when they find out you’ve been lying. Or maybe you just don’t know where to begin when it comes to a tough conversation.

How to Tell Your Family About Your Lying Problem

Start by Asking for a Family Meeting

It doesn’t have to be a formal sit-down meeting, just a time that’s dedicated to having a real conversation. The last thing you want to do is spring this kind of chat on them out of nowhere, in the car on the way home from an event, at the dinner table when they least expect it, etc. Find a moment when you can simply say, “Hey is there a moment this weekend when we can talk? I have something on my mind, and I’d like to discuss it with you.”

With some warning and scheduling, you decrease your chances that they’ll be too tired or surprised to give their full attention, support, or compassion to the subject. You want to make sure you’re prepared too. Winging a talk like this one won’t give you the best chance at explaining yourself, your struggles, and your needs clearly.

If your parents are the type to freak out a little bit or to demand more information before they agree to a future talk. You can try saying something like this:

• “Please don’t freak out. I’m okay. I just want to have a talk with you guys when we can dedicate our full attention to the topic. Would Sunday afternoon work?”
• “I’m not ready to go into it right now because I’m tired/hungry/in a bad mood, but I wanted to put it on your radar for a later time when I can be more prepared. How about Sunday afternoon?”

What to Say When You Have Their Full Attention

Once your parents are focused on you for a moment, it’s time to open up to them. More lies won’t help this situation, even if you’re worried about how this conversation will go. If you have a decent relationship with your parents, don’t be afraid to show your true feelings. If you feel emotionally safe with them, try saying something along these lines:

• “Something has been weighing really heavily on me lately, and I think I need help. I’ve noticed I’ve been lying a lot, and I can’t stop.”
• “You have always said that I should feel like I can tell you anything, so here goes: I’ve been lying a lot, and I don’t know how to stop. I need your help.”

If your parents aren’t the most supportive, or if you don’t feel close enough with them to be vulnerable about your feelings, stick to the facts. Saying something like this is a good way to start the conversation without inviting emotion into the room:

• “Thanks for letting me chat with you for a minute. Basically, I think I’ve been experiencing some mental health issues. How do we go about making an appointment with my doctor or a counselor?”
• “You may have noticed that some stuff has been going on with me, and I want to get better. Does our health insurance cover therapy?”

How to Answer Your Parents’ Questions

When your parents discover you’ve been lying, they may get a bit distracted or even jump to discussions about how they should discipline you for breaking rules. Parents tend to get upset when they realize their child isn’t doing 100% okay, so even if you’re not that close with them, give them a minute to feel their feelings. They’ll probably ask you a lot of questions, but here’s how you can answer them without losing sight of your original goal for this conversation:

• “Yes, I realize I’ve broken your trust, but can we please talk about whether I should be grounded later? Right now I’m asking for your help because I want to get better.”
• “I know that I just told you I’ve been lying, but I also just told you that I want to stop lying. I need your help to do that. Can we focus on a solution before you decide on a punishment?”
• “I’m not trying to sweep all my lies under the rug, and I can answer all your questions later. First, can we talk about how to get me help?”

Be Clear About What You Want

If you have clear ideas about what kind of help you need from your parents, it’s important to express those directly. If you want to see a doctor to find out if you may have a mental health disorder, say so. If you want to drop a class or quit sports so that you’re less overwhelmed, say so. If you need rehab for an addiction that feeds your need to lie, say so. While your parents can provide you with some guidance on how to stop lying, the only person who really knows what you need is you. Take ownership over your own recovery and request what you want from your parents. You can start this way:

• “What I’m asking for is to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. When can we make an appointment?”
• “I think I need to start going to AA or something like it. Will you take me to meetings or help me get into a program for addicts?”
• “I don’t think I can be true to myself if I stay on the basketball team. What does it look like for me to quit midseason? Can you talk to my coach with me?”

Once your parents help you gain access to the resources that may help you stop lying, grasp those opportunities with everything you have. There is hope for you to start learning how to be more truthful in every aspect of your life, especially if you’ve already shown the courage to talk to your parents about it.

Liars Are Still Lovable

Whether your lies are because of people-pleasing tendencies or substance abuse, each one is dragging you farther away from yourself. With every lie, you are also building a wall between you and anyone else you might have a chance of true connection with, leaving you lonely and feeling unlovable.

BUT.

Everyone, even a liar, is worthy of love and acceptance. Christ teaches us that, as divine creations, none of us are exempt from forgiveness. Your story can be a redemption story if you want it to be, no matter how many lies you’ve told. Talk to your parents if you can, but if you need to start with a more neutral party, chat with a Hope Coach today. We’re always here to listen without judgment and connect you with resources that may help you.

For more about lying read, "How Lying Hurts You".

My Story of Struggling With Faith

My name is Heather and this is my story:

I've always been a devoted Christian and have always believed in the word of God, but a few months ago God opened my eyes and showed me that I hadn't been acting on his word like I was supposed to. I'd distanced myself from Him without even realizing it, and it only took a second for Him to show me this.

Since then, for the past few months, I've been struggling with my faith and trying to increase it. I've been praying to God every day, and even though my prayers have been answered and my faith has increased a lot since I first started on this spiritual journey, I still felt lost and incomplete. My mind would overthink things and make me question my religion despite how much I believed in God. I decided to look up an online counselor of sorts for some one-on-one help since I've never spoken to anyone about my struggles before, but then I came across this website.

I Felt an Incredible Relief

I signed up and gave it a try and was in shock at how incredibly kind my hope coach was! They gave me advice and showed me that what I've been feeling is absolutely normal and was even kind enough to pray with me (by their own suggestion, actually)!

After signing off with them I felt an incredible amount of relief and feel like I've gained a lot more faith in God after this. I know my journey is not over, just yet, and I still have a ways to go, but having this conversation with the coach inspired me and helped me to grow in my faith through just a single conversation.

I'm definitely going to come back soon!

If you're struggling with rebuilding your faith, check out our faith topic page for resources and help.

When your heart is hurting over a breakup, the grief you experience is very real. A broken heart can leave you feeling frozen, paralyzed, and unable to fathom going about daily life as you used to, yet time doesn’t stand still, no matter how devastated you are by ending your relationship. How in the world can you move on when you feel like your heart is in a million pieces?

This is such a universal question that experts across many fields of study, from medical doctors to famous musicians, have spent years pondering what it takes for a human being to process grief. One of the foremost experts on the grieving process was Elisabeth Kübler Ross who, with the help of her colleague David Kessler, is responsible for what we now know as the six stages of grief. These stages can happen in or out of order, one at a time, or all at once, because it looks different for everyone, but psychological experts agree that in one way or another, almost everyone’s journey through brokenheartedness takes them through these emotional landmarks.

How to Handle a Broken Heart

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart

When your heart is broken, it can feel like nothing makes sense. When life feels like that, our brains try to create order out of the chaos, which gets us stuck in cycles of asking why our hearts got broken in the first place and when our pain will finally go away, which can become emotionally unhealthy. If you’re looking for something that makes sense, try examining your grief through the lense of these six stages. It may not always be a perfect comparison, but it could help you with your brain’s hunger to find order in this time of turmoil.

Six Stages of Grief After a Breakup

1. Denial, often listed as the first stage of grief, is essentially the opposite of acceptance. It doesn’t necessarily happen on a conscious level, and it’s the mind’s attempt to shield you from the discomfort and anxiety caused by the traumatic experience by refusing to recognize the experience. It doesn’t mean that you literally refuse to acknowledge the truth of your loss. You can intellectually acknowledge that you and your partner have broken up and the relationship is over while being actively stuck in the denial stage. Denial can look like the delayed onset of feelings, the inability to cry about the breakup, or sort of numbly continuing to go about your daily activities when it would be completely appropriate for you to take a break. 

Signs that you’re in denial after a breakup would be things like continuing to speak to and hang out with the person you’ve broken up with without any sort of time apart to process, and for some, “staying friends” at all may be a symptom of denial. Another sign is jumping back into dating new people too quickly, which can mean that you’re trying to cover up your pain rather than truly moving on. If you find yourself telling people you’re “fine” whenever they ask how you’re handling the loss, that could also mean you’re in denial about the pain your grief is causing you.

To move through this stage, it helps to have open, honest conversations with a trusted friend or counselor, especially in the early days of the breakup. Journaling can also help you to process the hard feelings you’re experiencing, making it less likely that you’ll avoid or deny the pain of your loss.

2. Anger. This stage makes a lot of sense! Losing somebody you care about is not a pleasant experience, even if you think the breakup was the right decision. This stage could look like obsessing over the details of what caused the breakup and nitpicking about everything you feel the other person (or yourself) did wrong. It can look like blaming the person whom your ex starts dating for your pain. It can look like becoming irritable about other things or toward other people in your life, like your parents, siblings, friends, or teachers, etc.

Moving through this stage is important because if you form an unhealthy relationship with your anger, it can become destructive. Look for healthy ways to express your anger–visual or performative arts, sports and moving your body, writing about and verbalizing your feelings.

3. Bargaining is a difficult stage because it’s when your mind becomes fixated on the “what ifs.” What if things had been different? What if you had never broken up? What if he’s different now? What if we got back together? Be careful if you’re in this stage, because this is when a lot of people might get back together, even if you broke up for good reasons, especially if you haven’t fully processed your denial stage.

This is when your trusted friends and counselors can be a huge support to you. Talk to them about your feelings, and ask them to remind you why the breakup happened in the first place. Write down the truth on a notecard and keep it in your pocket if you need constant reminders. Keep your boundaries with ex in place, because this is the time when being friends with and talking to them may tempt you to entertain the “what ifs.”

4. Depression is another pretty self-explanatory stage, defined mostly by overwhelming feelings of sadness, worthlessness, and hopelessness. This stage can leave you feeling exhausted and lethargic. You might lose your appetite, or you might want to eat all the food you can get your hands on just to feel better. You might lose all hope in feeling happy ever again, or blame yourself for the breakup, saying to yourself, “I’m such a loser, no wonder I can’t stay in a relationship.”

Again, this is where your support system and your boundaries are really important. Let the people in your life, whom you love and trust, know how you’re feeling. Ask them to remind you that these feelings of despondence are temporary, that you are worthy of love and happiness, and that better days are ahead. It’s okay to feel sad, so don’t be too hard on yourself, but don’t let yourself get stuck in the belief that you’ll always be sad or that you deserve to be sad forever.

5. Acceptance used to be considered the final stage of grief, and that makes sense! It’s when you are finally able to recognize that even if life is painful right now, things are going to be okay. You may even be able to feel things like, “I’m proud of myself for making it through this,” or “I’m not doing great right now, but I know the future holds good things for me.” This might also be when you or other people start saying that you’re “over it,” but be careful about making that claim or bragging about it, because the stages of grief don’t always happen one at a time or in the “right” order. You might feel like you’re in the acceptance stage one day and then need to process some more sadness, finding yourself back in depression later. Be patient! Once you start having moments of feeling acceptance about the breakup, there is light and the end of the tunnel.

6. Finding meaning is the latest and final stage of grief, added recently by David Kessler. This is when you’re able to move beyond acceptance and see that there are now good things happening in your life that never would have been possible if your loss hadn’t occurred. An example here is that after Kessler lost his 21-year-old son, he embarked on a journey to dive even further in grief research, and ended up being able to help people by discovering and publishing his thoughts on this final stage. Certainly, he will never be “glad” that his son passed away, but he has found meaning in life after that loss.

Maybe you never would have joined the debate team if you had stayed with your ex. Maybe you meet someone new, and that never could have happened if you stayed in the previous relationship. Perhaps you become even closer to some of your friends and learn how to support them in future situations. You don’t have to reach a point where you say, “I’m glad I was in pain,” but you may someday be able to feel grateful for something that never would have happened if you and your ex were still together.

Knowing That This Pain Is Temporary

There is no denying that grief is one of the greatest pains we can feel in life. Breaking up with someone can cause such deep feelings of loss because we have opened our hearts to that person, only for the feelings of safety, intimacy, and love to be ripped away. The most important thing to remember as you process each stage of grief is to be kind to yourself. You are not weak for feeling brokenhearted, just human. In fact, even Christ grieved, so He understands what you're going through on a deep spiritual level. Lay your pain at His feet, and know that you are not alone. Reach out to one of our Hope Coaches now if you’re feeling stuck in your grief, and we will talk to you about your broken heart without judgment.

For more, this checklist gives you 8 ways to use self-care to mend your broken heart after a breakup.

My Story About PTSD and Anxiety

My name is David and this is my story:

My story is that for years I lived in fear because of my mom's old boyfriend. He was a jerk. But that's putting it mildly, he was horrible. He was abusive to the point he tried to kill my mom! My grandma and I tried to tell her to break up with him, but she wouldn't. He drank every day, and did drugs every day. I was so miserable and mad. I hated him so much! My grandma also hated him!

Lasting effects of Abuse - PTSD and Anxiety

Finally, my mom broke up with him, but my deep fear of him has had lasting effects. I have PTSD and so much anxiety, pretty much every day. I'm worried he will come back, and this time succeed in killing my mom, me, my dad/stepdad, my dog, and my grandma! He threatened to kill us all! Even though my mom finally got a restraining order against this jerk, I still worry every day he's going to come back.

Peace of Mind from TheHopeLine

So to help me deal with all of this, I went to TheHopeLine. They helped me cope with my anxiety and PTSD and process my thoughts about this abusive guy. At TheHopeLine they are so nice! They gave me hope and love no matter what.  They are honest, kind, and helpful. TheHopeLine is the best! Thank you so much to the entire team at TheHopeLine!
-David

If you have been in any traumatic situation as David was and suffer from PTSD or Anxiety this article is for you - 6 Self-Help Skills for coping with PTSD.

Remember you can also reach out to chat with a HopeCoach any night of the week.  As David said, the HopeCoaches are kind and caring.  Chat live with a Hope Coach 7 days a week.