Shane's Story

"I loathed myself to the point where I started to give myself bruises. I was numb to everything else but my physical pain. I was sexually abused as a child, and this is my story."

When I was eight, I exchanged my plush toy dog for a pen and paper — and I’ve been a writer ever since. Short stories, poems, and eventually plays: I write whenever I’m inspired. This is what actually set me apart at school and at church. Nobody understood why I wasn’t into cars, sports, and video games. As a result, I was bullied constantly at school. I was a loner.

In grade 6, our teacher assigned weekly journal entries for us to hand in to her. In the beginning — like everyone else — I’d write about what I did over the weekend, or where I hoped our family vacation was going to be in the summer. But over time, I began to use this as an outlet to open up and really trust my teacher.

My Sexual Assault Healing Story

Thought the Sexual Abuse Was My Fault

I had been sexually abused, and journaling was a sort of release from the pain I was keeping inside.

But I said nothing about the abuse to her. I was too ashamed, too embarrassed. At the time, I thought it was my fault, and like everything else, I must have brought it on myself. I was abused between the ages of four and six, and I felt like there needed to be secrecy.

As I got older, I felt ashamed, and betrayed. I doubted myself because I wondered: if I didn't speak up to begin with, was it because I enjoyed it?

I did not believe in myself. I thought of myself as someone who would never amount to anything in my life. I trusted no one and only spoke when I was spoken to. Like the bruises I got from the bullies at school, I somehow must have deserved to be taken advantage of in such a way. I tried to bury the memory of the abuse, but the side effects were obvious: lack of self-esteem, lack of trust, lack of confidence. I loathed myself to the point where I started to give myself bruises, and I actually believed that I deserved the pain that I was causing. I was numb to everything else but my physical pain: at least I felt something.

Good at Keeping My Secret

High school proved to be more difficult. I doubted myself, and I kept thinking about the time I was sexually abused. Why didn’t I say anything? Was it because I enjoyed the experience? My abuser had no idea how psychologically damaging it was to me. I finally felt a sense of self-worth when I was accepted into the theatre program in college. Studying theatre permitted me to dream, to be challenged, to be alive. But I was very good at keeping my secret, and I still hadn’t opened up to anyone about what had happened to me. I had blocked out most of it.

At 22, I began to form real friendships with people who truly loved me for who I was. But the reality of my past kept haunting me. If I was to be fully whole and free, I had to face the secret that was hidden deep inside my heart. These friends included me in activities that I had never done before because I was rejected in high school. I had a hard time being the recipient of real friendship and love. My past was hindering my future.

Flashbacks About the Abuse

During this time, I started to have flashbacks and dreams about the abuse — which were just as painful as the experience itself. Sometimes, it almost seemed like it was another violation: I would wake up thinking someone had been in the room and that it had happened again. There was so much shame, and I still had not managed to tell anyone about it.

The fear of rejection was tormenting me again. But I took a chance and told a close friend about what I had gone through as a child. It was a major breakthrough. The best form of therapy is having close friends who treat you with dignity and respect, and who are willing to listen whenever you need to talk. I also learned to accept love and to believe that I was worthy of receiving such love.

Help for Men Who Are Being Sexually Abused

Oftentimes, as men we don't stress how important it is to actually dig deep and talk about the issues we face. As a male victim of abuse, I thought it would further reinforce the impression that I was weak.

But talking about it out loud, taking the step of confiding in someone, was just what I needed to let go of the pain. Dealing with my own pain has also enabled me to be available for others to confide in, without any fear of judgment or rejection. Talking about it, accepting others' genuine acceptance and love, and refusing to accept any responsibility for what happened: were the necessary steps that led me down the road of healing.

If you are a survivor of sexual abuse, the wounds are deep, the scars are severe, the emotions are complex. But you’re not alone. An understanding and compassionate Hope Coach is ready to listen and help you find hope. Chat Live with a Hope Coach now.

Used with permission of Power to Change. Originally published at Issues I Face.

June 27th marks PTSD Awareness Day, and though we talk about coping with trauma on a regular basis here at TheHopeLine, it’s important that we stop to acknowledge how important it is to shed light on this common and debilitating condition. The more we talk about it, the less power outdated stigmas become, which means people who are struggling may feel safe enough to come forward and ask for help. If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of PTSD, don’t hide. There’s no shame in admitting that your mental health could be better, and you deserve to live a life that isn’t plagued by memories of trauma.

How to Heal From PTSD

How Can You Tell You Have PTSD?

Always consult with a professional if you feel you are experiencing symptoms of PTSD. You can’t self-diagnose something as complicated as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and a doctor will need to help you figure out if your symptoms are from this or another disorder with similar traits. That said, you can still be informed about how PTSD manifests and mention it to your doctor when you’re explaining your experience.

The first common indicator of PTSD is, unsurprisingly, having experienced trauma in your past. While that could be one or more isolated incidents, such as a natural disaster, an assault, a loss, or other dramatic experience, you can also develop Complex PTSD from a series of ongoing, less apparent traumas like verbal abuse or being in a relationship with a narcissist. If you have gone through anything that you would classify as traumatic, ask yourself if you are noticing any of the following symptoms:

• Intrusive thoughts - Having nightmares about your trauma or not being able to stop thinking about it, even when you are busy or trying to focus on something else.
• Hypervigilance - Feeling like you always have your guard up or being easily startled.
• Detachment or dissociation - Feeling numb or disconnected from your friends, family, or important events in your life, even if they’re positive.
• Shame - You aren’t able to stop blaming yourself for what happened, even though it wasn’t your fault.
• Panic attacks - Experiencing episodes where you feel faint, shaky, nervous, frightened after being triggered, even if you aren’t able to figure out what triggered the episode.
• Changes in mood - Feeling hostile, irritable, agitated, scared, or anxious without being able to control it.

If any of this rings true to you, it may be time to seek help from a medical or psychological professional. While there is no cure for PTSD, there is hope! With a diagnosis and a treatment plan, you can learn to mitigate your symptoms and regain a sense of freedom in your life.

9 Ways to Cope With PTSD

Once you have a PTSD diagnosis, you can figure out how to identify and cope with your specific triggers, slowly building a life that isn’t dominated by your past traumas. Here are some steps you can take if you keep reliving the trauma:

1. Use the five senses to reconnect with the present moment. When you feel your symptoms begin to drown out the world around you, think about the basic sensations of taste, touch, smell, sight, and sound. Slowly do something with each sense, one at a time, until you start to feel less overwhelmed. For example, take a sip of tea or eat a handful of nuts, run your hand over the carpet or run cold water over them, smell a candle or a flower, look around and identify a couple of things you see, and listen for the sound of the air conditioning or your dog’s collar tags jingling. Do this until you feel connected with the here and now instead of feeling thrown back into a past experience.

2. Learn your triggers and warning signs. As you work with a counselor and a doctor, start to keep track of what experiences in your daily life are routinely triggering your PTSD episodes. You may not be able to predict every trigger, but if you can be prepared for some of them, you won’t be caught unawares by every episode. Also pay attention to how your mind and body feel in the moments before an episode. Once you recognize those warning signs, you can learn to remove yourself from situations that are triggering and potentially avoid more episodes.

3. Practice self-compassion. PTSD is not your fault, and your symptoms are not something to be ashamed of. Pay attention to the way you talk to yourself when you’re not doing well and make sure you’re being kind and patient. Judging yourself for how you feel will not make the PTSD go away, and in fact, being hard on yourself will make it worse.

4. Spend time with loved ones. Even when it feels like you can’t leave your house without being triggered and having an episode, don’t isolate yourself. Social connection with trusted friends and family is crucial to your mental health, so find ways to build that into your life. Go on walks, meet for coffee, have movie nights, or talk on the phone, etc. Hanging out doesn’t have to require lots of energy or organization, just get some face time with your closest pals on a regular basis, and make sure they know what’s going on in your life.

5. Move your body, put down your phone, and get outside. Physical exercise, fresh air, and Vitamin D from the sun are all known to contribute to good mental health, whereas isolating yourself behind a screen is known to take a toll. Try to take a walk once a day or even sign up for an outdoor activity like volunteering at a community garden.

6. Get into therapy or counseling. At the root of your PTSD symptoms is the trauma from which it all stems, and you’re going through a lot just trying to live life with a mental health condition. Talk therapy can not only help you to better understand your illness but also to learn healthy coping mechanisms and help you feel supported during the process of healing.

7. Ask for what you need at work, school, and home. Often, the performance and attendance of people with PTSD suffers because when symptoms flare up, it’s difficult for them to keep up with regular schedules and workloads. Have a chat with the staff at your school and work and ask your family members to help you think of accommodations that could make it easier for you to succeed when you aren’t feeling well. That could look like getting deadline extensions on school assignments, being allowed to work from home occasionally, or asking your family to be aware of your triggers.

8. Prioritize rest. Go easy on yourself. Don’t pack your schedule. Make sure you have the flexibility to take breaks to do things you enjoy, have naps, and schedule enough time to get your 8 hours of sleep per day. Your mind and body are on overdrive when you have PTSD, so when you think about it, that means you actually need a lot more rest than other folks.

9. Treat your body with respect. A healthy, balanced diet is also key to giving your mind and body the fuel it needs to survive your symptoms and episodes. Though it’s tempting to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms when you’re feeling badly, relying heavily on drugs, alcohol, or even caffeine could trigger more episodes in the long run. Make sure you’re eating the occasional vegetable and slowing down on the coffee. Set your body up for success–you’re asking it to heal, and it needs some good nutrients to do that.

Don’t Lose Hope

It’s okay to be tired. PTSD is an exhausting condition. Even in the moments when you can’t imagine getting out of bed to tackle another day, don’t give up. Take a deep breath, remember that there are effective treatments you can rely on to make your life feel less overwhelming. You are meant for so much more than this, and even though it doesn’t seem fair that you should have to deal with trauma, know that there is a life of love and abundance available to you through Jesus’ love, because He understands what suffering feels like too. If you need someone to talk to or want to know more about how to feel God’s love, reach out to a Hope Coach today. We talk to people who are battling with their mental health every day, and we listen to them without judgment. You are not alone, and you are worthy of love and peace.

What is PTSD and do you have it? If you have faced a traumatic experience here is what we want you to know. Here are the symptoms and treatments available for PTSD.

“‘I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” – Mark Twain

Ain’t that the truth. How many times have you worried about something that never actually happened? If you’re anything like me, the answer is a lot. I worry about my family, my job, my spouse, my home, etc. There’s SO much to worry about. I even worry when I know that what I’m worrying about is out of my control.

In Matthew 6:25, Jesus commands us “do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” If that isn’t reason enough, He then goes on to say in verse 27, “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

How to Be Encouraged When Worried

Buying Into the Lie That Worrying Will Help

Most of us know we shouldn’t worry and that no matter how much we worry, we still can’t change some situations. So why then do we as humans so often struggle with this issue? For me, most of the time a worry starts small and then my thoughts take over and make it seem much bigger. I know the situation is in God’s hands, but I buy into the lie that my worrying will somehow help God achieve the outcome I desire. Silly, right? But so many of us fall into this trap.

We often think that worrying will help us control things that are out of our control, but in fact, worry does the exact opposite—it ends up controlling us. Worry steals our time, energy and attention that could be used on other things—positive things that will further our character, focus, and relationship with God.

So how do we combat this problem we all are susceptible to? Below are a few tips that help me and will hopefully encourage you the next time you start to worry. It is a battle you and I will face time and time again, but these 5 tips can help us conquer the spirit of worry once and for all.

1. Replace worry with prayer.

Make prayer a habit, not worry. What would happen if every time you started to worry, you shifted to praying about what you’re worried about instead? Your perspective will change when you focus on God and not the situation that is concerning you. Prayer is more powerful than worry.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4: 4-6

2. Acknowledge God is with you.

God is bigger than your challenge. He knows the solution. He knows what it is going to take to get there, and He has your best interest at heart. If we know this to be true, then we can start to put our trust in Him rather than ourselves and our circumstances.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

3. Find joy.

Seek happiness in God, not in events or things or people. If you’re worried about a certain situation, outcome, or person, rather than focusing on the negative thoughts, force yourself to focus on the positive. If you can’t find anything joyful around you, look up. God will always be our one true joy.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

4. Take comfort in God.

God knows the plan and outcome, even when you don’t. He gives us new mercies each morning, enough to cover whatever you may face today. The God who created the Heavens and the earth also created you for a plan and a purpose. Take heart in knowing that He has the all answers you seek.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

5. Surround yourself with good friends.

God created us to be relational beings. You don’t have to go through trouble or worry alone. Reach out to a godly, wise friend, someone you trust who may have gone through a similar situation as to what you’re worried about. They can shed light on your worry and pray with you.

“Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20

If you’re worrying about something in your life, it’s my prayer that these tips and verses might help you turn your focus from the situation to the God who holds everything in His hands. It’s okay to be concerned about things, but don’t let worry consume your life. Make a daily choice to remember the truth God has given you through His Word.

This article was originally posted by Jordyn at Mercy Multiplied.

Read how Micah learned how to cling to God in the midst of her anxiety and worrying that started in elementary school.

If you’re in recovery from a battle with addiction, congratulations. Before we talk about anything else, let’s take a moment to celebrate your hard work, your strength, your perseverance, your friends or family, your support network… everything and everyone it took to get you to this point. Recovery, that elusive concept that gets thrown around whenever you read about addiction journeys, is finally yours. Do a little dance, or just take a deep breath. Use this moment to be proud of yourself.

You’ve fought for so long to get to this point, but what now? What’s so special about “recovery” that you got clean? Is life really going to be better from here on out? Read, watch, or listen to stories about the successful recovery of other addicts, and you’ll hear that recovery is hard, recovery is worth it, recovery saves lives, recovery is a journey, etc. But what exactly is it, really?

Technically, “recovery” is “the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.” In the case of addiction recovery, the word is used because you’re getting back control over your life. The idea is that you must have had things under control at some point, but then lost it due to drugs, alcohol, pornography, binge eating, love addiction, or whatever your specific vice has been. Who, however, can really say we ever had things under control in the first place? Isn’t that why we turned to our addiction? To soothe or to numb the stress and pain that life was causing us?

What if we changed the word to “uncovery,” just for now?

When you’ve run to your addiction in the past, you’ve hidden, or covered, your pain, your anxiety, your fear, your heart, your mind, and your very self with the high of addictive substances and behaviors. Every time you’ve used or relapsed, it’s like you took a heaping shovel full of dirt and poured it on top of yourself, trying to block all your worries from view. In the process, though, you’ve ended up blocking out light, air, and even hope. You’ve blocked yourself from view until you don’t even know yourself anymore. It’s time to uncover who you are, who you can be, what life can be like, and what kind of life you want.

It’s impossible to know everything you might uncover within yourself, but if nothing else, you can be certain that as you practice your sobriety, you will uncover a healthier person than you were in the throes of addiction.

Uncover Your  Physical Health

Whether your addiction has to do with substance abuse, disordered eating, or sex and porn, it’s undoubtedly taken its toll on your physical health. The list of problems various addictions can cause to your body is long: blood pressure problems, digestive issues, heart problems, liver failure, kidney failure, weakened immune system, impaired breathing, sleep apnea, insomnia, eye complications, risk of cancer, malnutrition, blackouts, seizures, headaches, excessive sweating, and more! When you’ve gotten through detox, rehab, and started to imagine life in recovery, there is so much you have to uncover about your body’s needs and abilities:

• Breathe. Stop and take a deep breath right now.  You may still feel tight in the chest or unable to comfortably climb a flight of stairs, depending on what your addiction is, but take note of how your breath changes as you continue to heal. Notice whether or not you uncover your body’s ability to breathe more deeply the longer you are in recovery.
• Move. Most addictions lead to us restricting our movements, whether that’s because we’re stuck behind a computer screen for hours or too high to function. Start with a short five-minute walk today. If you used to enjoy a sport or riding your bike, try building that back into your life. Uncover whether the desire and ability to move are still inside of you, and allow yourself to explore that as you get healthier.
• Taste. Whether substance abuse stopped you from choosing good foods or disordered eating led you to restricting/binging, you have probably been deprived of proper nutrition and the joys of cooking and tasting delicious meals. Make something you used to love. Try a recipe you’ve never had before. Uncover what feeding your body wisely makes you feel like over time.
• Rest. Many addictions decimate our sleep hygiene, meaning we lose the ability to prioritize the amount of sleep our body actually needs. Start by practicing an 8-hour window of rest, whether you’re able to sleep or not. Eventually you may uncover what you’re capable of when you get enough sleep.

Uncover Your  Mental  Health

Addictions are ultimately a mental health issue. From impaired decision making to poor grooming and hygiene, most people who struggle with addiction have a long road ahead of them when it comes to rebuilding their mental health:

• Reflect. Mental health is very personal, so you need to look within and ask yourself where you’d like to see your mental health improve. Start small–it may just be that you want to learn some coping skills for when you’re triggered for now. Eventually you may uncover that you feel you deserve to pursue bigger hopes and dreams.
• Determine. Upon reflection, decide what you want to happen next in your journey toward mental health. For now, that may be seeking medical treatment for anxiety or making another appointment with your addiction counselor. In time, you may uncover that you’d like to pursue more education, a career, or a passion that you never thought you’d be able to before.
• Share. Don’t hide! One of the most damaging symptoms of most addictions is the isolation we impose on ourselves. Talk to your friends, family, and counselor. Let them love you for who you are, and uncover whether their love and support can teach you to love yourself again.

Cycle through these steps over and over, weekly, daily, or even moment by moment. The more you reflect, determine what’s next, and share what you’re going through, the more opportunities you have to connect, grow, and build your self-esteem. Even for those who have never battled with addiction, mental health is a constant journey, but you now have the opportunity to reach higher than you ever could, experience life to the fullest, and allow yourself to be truly accepted.

There Will Still Be Hard Times

Uncovering who you are in the wake of your addiction will take time, and you may not always like what you find. You will still experience triggering events. You will still have hard moments. Your life will not magically be perfect because you beat addiction. So how is life “better” now? Well, now, you’re finally being honest. Now you’re finally experiencing life, connecting with your feelings, and allowing people who love you to see you instead of hiding, numbing, and abusing your mind and body. You’re finally free.

You were meant for more than the life addiction offers you. Your future is full of hope, full of abundance, and though He does not promise a life without pain, Christ’s love does offer rest for the weary, hope for the hopeless, and, perhaps best of all,  joy. The highs of addiction are nothing compared to the abiding love and peace of accepting who you are as a deeply cherished child of the divine. If you are struggling to see the point in staying clean and committed to your recovery, or if you want to know more about the hope we talk about, reach out to a Hope Coach today. We want you to know that you are never alone!

If you’re in addiction recovery, you’re probably haunted by one question over and over: will I relapse again? Experts suggest that these steps may help.

Why do people lie? We’ve all been there–that tricky moment when someone asks you a question you don’t think they’ll like the answer to, or the moment you know you can get away with a lie and nobody will ever know. Whether it’s a “white lie” or a complete fabrication, everyone has altered the truth at some point in their lives. There are a lot of reasons to lie, it can be a strategic move that gets you out of trouble or puts you in a position to gain, and sometimes it might even feel like the “right” thing to do if the truth will hurt someone you love–an “ends justify the means” approach. Ultimately, though, we’ve all grown up knowing things like “the truth will set you free” and “thou shalt not lie.” It’s wrong to lie, plain and simple… but why should you be honest?

If you stand to have an easier, more peaceful life by lying about where you were on Friday night, why you got a D on that test, or the reason you were late to class, it might not seem like there’s much incentive to tell the truth, especially if your lies aren’t actively hurting anyone. So what’s the point of telling the truth? Are there any real disadvantages to telling lies? If nobody is getting hurt, and if you’re not going to get caught, who cares about the tiny details? It’s a victimless crime, lying, right? Wrong.

Why You Shouldn't Lie

You Are the Victim of Your Own Lies

Even if your family, your teachers, your friends, or your coworkers have no idea that you’ve told them lies in the past, you know. In the moment, one lie might save you from getting grounded, getting written up, hurting a friend’s feelings, or having to explain something embarrassing. Over time, though, you’re chipping away at your sense of self. In the words of Sally Kempton, “Some part of you feels the effect of every lie you’ve ever told.” With each lie, you lose a little bit of trust in yourself, and that eventually takes a toll on your ability to regulate your emotions and maintain a healthy perspective on reality. If you’re lying on a regular basis, regardless of the reason, the victim of that deceit is, frankly, you.

That may sound dramatic, but there is actually a bit of psychological research out there on the “Science of Honesty,” which says that the more you lie, the more you stand to suffer in aspects of both your mental and physical health. The stress of juggling multiple versions of yourself leaves you feeling tired and wondering which one is the real you. Eventually, no matter how hard you try to portray a version of yourself that is acceptable to everyone, you’re going to end up feeling lonely. Even if you’re popular and surrounded by “friends” and people who think the world of you, inside you’ll know that nobody has actually had the chance to know the real you. You haven’t been sincere with the people in your life, or with yourself, so how can you be sure that anyone sincerely accepts you?

Practicing Sincerity

If you’re ready to live a more authentic life, it can feel like a pretty daunting task. Lying becomes a habit or a “default mode” when you just get used to making up what you think people want to hear rather than risking their rejection or disapproval. It’s hard to simply flip the switch and start being truthful all the time. One scholar said that being sincere is a process. After 5 weeks of practicing honesty, her study showed people experienced a decrease in poor physical health symptoms like headaches and fewer mental health complaints, such as depression. It doesn’t happen overnight, but if you commit to practicing authenticity, after a while, you’ll notice that your relationships feel stronger and more genuine, you’ll begin to feel more confident in who you are, and you may even experience few symptoms of mental health disorders.

How to Tell the Truth

What does being more honest actually look like? What happens when people start finding out that you’ve been living dishonestly? What if you find yourself in a situation where you don’t feel safe telling the truth, or when lying truly seems like the best option? Here are some thoughts on how you can practice more honesty on the future:

1. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Even if this seems small, practice saying how you really feel when, for example, someone invites you to hang out. Instead of saying, “Sure! I’d love to. I’ll get back to you,” and then bailing, try saying, “Thanks for the invite, but I have plans.” Even if those plans are to stay home and watch a movie by yourself, this is a small way you can cut a lie out of your day and begin to practice being true to yourself in conversations.

2. Don’t edit the details of your stories. When your parents ask you about your day, it might be easy to say, “I hung out with the girls after school.” But if you are only saying that because they’d be upset if they knew the guy they don’t approve of was also there, that’s dishonesty. Practice including the full scope of a story, or observe that you’re not being authentic when you make changes to the truth.

3. Own who you are, even if you anticipate rejection. It’s Monday morning, and everyone’s talking about the cool things they did over the weekend. You went on a road trip to watch your little sister’s dance recital and had a blast singing along to old songs with your mom, but when you retell the story to your friends you roll your eyes and make it sound like it was torture. Notice that you’re masking your real feelings, and ask yourself if your friends would really reject you for having fun with your family. If they would… why are you friends with them? Try practicing authenticity and see what happens.

4. Start small if you need to, and choose one or two trusted people with whom to begin your journey of authenticity. This can be a school counselor, a doctor, a best friend, a sibling, etc. If you’ve dug yourself into some pretty deep holes with your lies, it may take more than simply “practicing authenticity” to turn things around, and if you need help figuring that out, that’s okay! You don’t have to give everyone in the world a complete list of every past lie by tomorrow at 8am. Make one small step toward honesty today, and go from there.

You Are Worthy of Being Fully Known

If you’ve developed this habit of dishonesty to protect your reputation, your self-esteem, or even some of your relationships, you might be deeply afraid that you’d be rejected if the people in your life knew the truth. But there is someone who already knows the whole truth, the full truth, the deep truth of who you are, even if you’ve never shared that with anyone before. Christ loves you and accepts you completely–there is nothing you can do to make Him love you more and nothing you can do to make Him love you less.

When you feel like you can’t admit the truth to anyone else, you can talk to Him, because He already knows and loves you anyway. If you need a neutral third-party to talk to about your lying habit, or if you want to hear more about Christ’s love for you, please reach out to one of our Hope Coaches today. You are not alone, and we are here to listen without judgment!

Understanding how lying hurts us and others is key to greater honesty. Click here to get help and support to stop lying and start telling the truth.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month! While we talk about mental health every day at TheHopeLine, that’s not the case for everyone, so it’s important to call extra attention to it each year in May. Over the past few years, the United States has seen a big increase in folks reporting problems related to their mental health, and in a world where there’s still stigma attached to seeking help, we’re here to listen to your needs without judgment. Since you may not be hearing about the ways in which you can seek help at home or at school, today we’re focusing on how you can go about finding the right kind of mental health professional to help you with whatever poor mental health symptoms you’re experiencing.

How to Choose a Mental Health Professional

Four Types of Mental Health Professionals You Can Talk To

First things first, if you’re under 18, you’re most likely going to need the permission and/or support of your parents or guardian in order to work with a mental health doctor due to health insurance reasons. Talking to your parents about depression, anxiety, or self-harm can be a little scary, so check out some of our articles about how you can go about that. Even if you and your family don’t have health insurance, most doctors, therapists, and counselors will work with you on a sliding scale for payment–don’t let money be the barrier that stops you from seeking the care you need!

Once you have those logistics worked out, here’s what you need to know. There are a few types of professionals you should consider seeing, depending on your specific needs:

1. General or Family Medicine Doctor

This might be your current primary care physician, and to a certain extent this kind of doctor can evaluate you for some mental health conditions and even prescribe some medications for anxiety or depression. If, however, your symptoms are more than mild, you should consider asking your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist who has more in-depth, specific knowledge of mental health disorders.

2. Psychiatrist

This is a doctor that can evaluate and diagnose the full range of mental health disorders, having gone to school solely for the purpose of studying emotional and mental health. They also have the ability to prescribe a wider range of medications for mental health disorders than your general practitioner might have.

3. Psychotherapist

While some psychotherapists may be able to prescribe medications, their main function is “talk therapy.” They are highly skilled in evaluating how your mind works and how your specific mental health disorder works. They are a great person to talk to if you’re dealing with past trauma, debilitating mental health conditions that are impacting your quality of life, or issues that keep circling back around even after you thought you’d “fixed” them.

4. Counselor

A counselor, sometimes called a therapist as well, probably has fewer “medical” qualifications than the above professionals, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be a life-saving source of treatment and support. If you have an interest in learning coping skills to deal with a specific source of stress and feel that your struggles are temporary or situational, this can be an excellent place to start. Most counselors will also be able to help you decide if you need to see another kind of professional as well.

Once you have your options narrowed down to 1-3 people, know that the right fit is going to be an important element of your healing. It’s not uncommon for patients to go “therapist shopping,” and a good therapist will encourage you to find the right person for you. Consider factors like gender, age, and religion when selecting who you’d like to work with. Those things can make a huge impact on how comfortable you are being honest and vulnerable with your doctor. If you want, you can even schedule an introductory appointment with more than one professional to make sure that you have good chemistry with someone before committing your mental health to their hands. When you meet anyone for the first time, you’re considering whether they treat you kindly and professionally. If you don’t establish a bond of trust with your doctor, the treatment is ultimately going to be less effective in the long run. Listen to your gut, and choose the professional who makes you feel the most safe and cared for.

Lastly, there are a lot of ways you can search for a mental health professional, from Focus on the Family’s therapist search to ZocDoc’s database of healthcare providers. We also partner with The Agape Center to provide FREE online counseling, which has become an increasingly popular way to receive mental healthcare at your convenience, from wherever you are. Check out those resources, or simply ask your current primary care physician for a referral. If all else fails, simply try googling “mental health doctors near me,” and you should find a number of results to get you started in your search.

What to Say to Your Doctor Once You Meet Them

1. Tell them about your symptoms and concerns:

• If you have received a diagnosis in the past or if you have a suspicion of what your diagnosis might be, share that with them. If you’ve seen other doctors or tried other treatments, let them know. Giving them a full and clear picture of your story will help them provide you with the best care possible.
• Be very specific about what you’re experiencing. Generalizing or minimizing your symptoms can throw off your diagnosis and limit the effectiveness of the treatment they recommend. If you’ve been struggling with sleeping, tell them, “I can’t seem to fall asleep until ___ pm, and then I’m wide awake by __am no matter what I do.” If you’re struggling with self-harm, say “I can’t go a day without cutting or I go crazy with anxiety. I cut myself here and here, and I always use ___ instrument.” Merely saying “I’m tired all the time” or “I’ve been really stressed” won’t help them to understand what your life is truly like.

2. Answer their questions. After you’ve had a chance to explain why you’ve come in for evaluation, your doctor will likely have follow-up questions. Answer them as honestly and in as much detail as you can.

3. Ask them questions. You’re allowed to ask them about their education, their experience, their methods, and their specialties. Anything you want to know about them (as a professional) or your symptoms, you have the right to ask! Healthcare is expensive, so get your money’s worth! Don’t feel pressured to take up less of the doctor’s time, and give yourself the chance to talk about everything that’s on your mind. Your concerns are valid, and you should feel like a top priority anytime you’re fact-to-face with a mental health professional.

Your Mental Health Is Not Your Identity

Be patient. It can take some time to find the right doctor, the right diagnosis, and the right treatment, but working consistently with a mental health professional and following their recommendations is the best way to make progress in your healing journey. There may be days that you’re tired of doctors and sick of thinking about your symptoms, but try to remember that your disorder isn’t who you are. You are a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable rock star. Only you can do what you do. You are worth all the trouble you’re going through to get healthy, because you’re a creation of the greatest Healer there ever was. Don’t give up hope that you can find joy and peace in the midst of managing your mental health! If you are overwhelmed by the search for a mental health professional, or if you just need someone to talk to, chat with one of our Hope Coaches today. We are always here to listen without judgment, and we want to connect you with resources that can help you along on this journey.

Do you feel you may really benefit from therapy, but are afraid to see a professional counselor? Here are 9 common misconceptions about seeking help.

How to Deal with Depression in College

College students and depression go together like peanut butter and jelly, mosquitos and nets, peas and pods… you get the idea. So if you’re struggling with depression and worried about going off to college in the fall, the first thing you should know is you are NOT alone. Now more than ever, anxiety and depression plague American adults. In fact, in the past year alone CDC reports show that we’ve jumped from 36.4% of adults experiencing symptoms to a staggering 41.5%, with the most significant increase occurring in young adults between the ages of 18 and 29. That means anxiety and depression in college students is so prevalent that many colleges and universities have resources prepared to support their student body with health and counseling centers, which is something you could prioritize in your school search and selection process.

Still, even with support, embarking on a journey as “big” as college while battling depression (or any mental illness) can feel daunting, even impossible. Many students with depression have successfully graduated from traditional 4-year degree programs, while others have opted for 2-year programs, or stretched their studies to 6-8 years in order to work with a lighter class load. Beyond that, there are a number of training programs, certifications, and profitable careers that require no formal education. You have so many options for building a future! And if, as many do, you feel that going away to college is the path you want to pursue, there are plenty of ways for you to do so successfully, whilst managing your depression and taking care of yourself.

Manage Your Expectations

The college experience can be a lot more flexible than you might think. Sure, most people go for 4 years or 8 semesters, but tons of people create their own pace and timeline. Don’t hold yourself to a standard that may not make sense for you, or place judgmental pressure on yourself to conform to the “normal way” you’ve been taught people get through college. Your education is for YOU! And if YOU need to go through your degree program faster than, slower than, or with more breaks than the “typical” student, find yourself a school and an academic advisor willing to help you set up a curriculum and class schedule unique to your goals and needs. If you give yourself permission to make the college experience work for you, you’re far less likely to be disappointed down the line if you need to drop a class or take off a semester for your mental health. It happens! And your education will be no less valuable for your commitment to yourself.

Make the Experience Work For You

Why are you interested in going to college? To learn? To graduate with a specific degree? To experience a new place and make new friends? Whatever the answer to that “why” is, make sure that your choice of school, major, and schedule (etc.) line up with how you want your college experience to feel. If you’re not sure what the answer to that “why” is, don’t load up on intense classes and responsibilities in that first semester. Give yourself the time and space to explore what sparks your interest and feels most healthy to you.

If you do know what you want to pursue, make sure you’re keeping your depression in mind when you sign up for classes and activities. Does your depression impede your ability to sleep and wake up in the morning? Do your best to schedule classes later in the day. Does your depression get triggered when you don’t have time to properly eat and exercise? Make sure you sign up for a course schedule that leaves you plenty of time for breaks. Do you typically get overwhelmed when you’re too busy? Some colleges even make it possible for you to sign up for classes in such a way that you could have one or two whole days off per week. Or, on a larger scale, if you’re intimidated by the 8-semester plan that most schools will present to you, talk to your advisor about condensing or stretching that amount of time in a way that feels more manageable for your mental health.

Set Yourself Up for Success

Commit to a few habits that can help you manage your symptoms so that you are equipped to roll with the punches when depression inevitably rears its ugly head. And remember… there’s no shame in having a mental illness. On the contrary, you should take great pride in having the desire to balance your education with your health.

1. First things first! Ask for help. Before you do anything else, contact your campus or your program to find out what kinds of mental health resources they offer students. If a school doesn’t offer ANY mental health resources… you may not want to go there because they seem more than a little behind on their mental health priorities. But since you’ll be choosing a SUPER supportive institution for your education, ask lots of questions. Does the school provide mental health counseling? Is it free? Are there peer mentors? Support groups? Tutoring centers? Special housing? Some schools even allow the occasional emotional support animal, if that’s something your doctor recommends, so ask as many questions as you can think of about the accommodations your school and your professors offer to students with depression.

2. Get a planner. When it comes to your studies, be mindful of your stressors and triggers. Make sure you’re leaving yourself the time to take care of your body, take breaks, and enjoy yourself. Of course, write down your classes and major deadlines, but more importantly, write down when you’re going to have naps, meals, go to the student gym, take a walk around campus, and go to bed, etc.

3. Be as consistent as you can with attendance. Depression will make it very tempting to skip classes on a regular basis, and sometimes you absolutely may need to take a day off. But, consistent attendance is often a crucial way to reduce your stress outside of class… attendance and participation may even count for a large percentage of your course grade, which might help you offset the one or two assignments you might miss because of a flare-up. Attendance also provides you with the opportunity to develop a relationship with your professors and other students, which may come in handy if you need to ask for an extension on an assignment or want a study buddy from your class.

4. Don’t isolate. Depression often manifests as feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, or mental paralysis, meaning you have little motivation to socialize. Studies show, however, that isolation only worsens your mental health. If you’re able to go to a school where you already have some friends, great! Ask them to hang out regularly. There will also be many opportunities to make new friends, get involved in campus activities, join clubs, and volunteer for local communities.

Cast Off Burdens

There are SO many verses in the Bible that invite you to “cast off your burdens” and let the Lord sustain you. Maybe the burden you need to cast off is the idea that there’s a right or wrong way to do college. If you need to live at home while you get your degree, do it. If you need to take it one class at a time, do it. If you need to ask your teachers for extensions every semester, do it. If you need to schedule all of your classes afternoon, do it. If you need to drop a class and take it again later, do it. Allow yourself to tackle college in any way you can, and release the socially constructed ideal of the “traditional” college experience. This is YOUR education, and as long as you end up learning what you set out to learn, that’s a success.

Again, depression in college students is COMMON. There’s no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for what you need. If it’ll help you get the most out of your education, it’s worth pursuing. So work with your doctor, your counselor, your family, and your friends to create a college experience unique to you that leaves room for the days when depression makes it tough to function. If you’re unsure how to move forward, you can always reach out to a Hope Coach, who can help you figure out what to do next, who to ask for help, and how to cope with college depression.

Check out our "Depression Self-Care Checklist" which includes signs, symptoms and tips to help you understand and deal with depression. 

Partnering with insecurity in our dating journey can drive us to make choices we wouldn't normally make. Especially when we're stuck in the tension of wanting to be married, but we're currently very single. We can even find ourselves settling into an unhealthy relationship believing that's all we're worth... We're here to help you uncover how insecurity has affected your dating style and give you keys on how to hope for God's best!

How to Handle Insecurity

Insecurity Doesn't Speak Truth

When we're stuck in a pattern of "unsuccessful" relationships or we're just not being asked out period, we can find all our insecurities bubbling to the surface.

"What's wrong with me?"

"Am I not good enough?"

“Am I even worth fighting for?”

"Will I ever be loved???"

All this negative self-talk begins to cloud our judgment and skew the way we see ourselves- even the way we see God. The longer we “make friends” or partner with those lingering questions and lies without bringing them to the Lord, the more insecurity can take root.

Insecurity Distorts Our Perception of Reality

If we've allowed thoughts of inadequacy to drive our dating life, we can become desperate for anyone to fill that void. Maybe someone comes along and says everything we've been dying to hear. Red flags may have been blaring, but they seem so smitten with us that it’s almost impossible not to get swept off our feet. It’s flattering, exciting, and validating. We can feel so reassured that someone is interested in us that it causes us to gloss over their flaws... But flattery is no substitute for character, and no matter how good it feels to be wanted- you need to ask yourself the hard questions.

Are there red flags?

Do they share my values?

How does my community feel about them?

Am I actually interested in them, or am I scared of being alone?

We may want to rush the pace of a relationship in hopes that our fears of being alone will be met or that we finally feel "good enough", but no human can fully heal those fears. We've got to come honest and bring them to God knowing that He knows how to meet them.

If You're Stuck in Cycles of Insecurity, Pause on Dating

If we’re really struggling with insecurity, it probably isn't the right time to start a relationship. This doesn't come from a shame-based place, but from a place of understanding that God cares more about our heart than who we date. When we take intentional time to face our deep-seated fears, we give space for Holy Spirit to heal those places within us. If we use insecurity to lead our dating journey, we may find ourselves in relationships not because we love someone, but because we need their affirmation, too. (Which isn’t fair to them, or you.) So don’t be afraid to let go of something that you know deep down isn’t right, even if it’s something that looks like what you thought you wanted. Step back, find healing for your heart, and trust that real love is worth the journey.

Listen to my call with Shelby who feels like she's not worth anything. She's at the point where she doesn't trust guys, but still thinks she needs to find the right guy.

Take Time for Some Soul Work

Want to know some great news? Healing is 100% possible and you don't have to live in a place of insecurity forever! It may take some time, but the more you invest your heart into the journey of wholeness- the more you prepare yourself to date wholeheartedly in the future.

Here are some soul work steps to help jumpstart your process!

• What lies or self-deprecating questions have I been entertaining when it comes to my identity and love life?
• When did those lies come into the picture? Is there a memory attached to them?
• What does God believe about me? What does God say about my love life?
• What would it take for me to give those insecurities to the Lord?
• Pause and invite Holy Spirit to meet you where you are. Ask Him what your first step to healing should be. This could look like counseling, journaling daily, reading a new book, joining a small group, whatever it may be- God sees your heart and knows how to get you where you need to be!

Do you feel like you're not good enough for someone? Here's more on why we struggle with these thoughts and feelings in a relationship?

Originally published on Moral Revolution.

If you’ve been grieving, you’re probably familiar with the ”Five Stages of Grief,” and hopefully they’ve been very helpful to you! You can experience them one at a time, all at once, backwards, forwards, or in whatever order they come to you, and that’s okay! The five stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But what if you get to that fifth stage of acceptance, and you still don’t feel closure? What if you feel like you need something more to help you move forward after a loss? Well…

How to Find Meaning in Grief

A New Stage of Grief

In March of 2020, grief expert David Kessler spoke with Brené Brown on her podcast Unlocking Us about his important work with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who famously coined the “Five Stages of Grief.” Kessler worked closely with Kübler-Ross for many years, and after the sudden loss of his own 21-year-old son, he experienced years of intensely painful grief of his own. His reflections on the loss ultimately led him to approach Dr. Kübler-Ross’s family about adding a 6th Stage of grief to her widely respected work. They approved, and in 2019 he published his book Finding Meaning.

Though the original five stages of grief aren’t the only way that experts have tried to explain the phenomenon that we experience after a loss, they are famous for a reason. When you’re going through the pain of losing a loved one, whether that be through a death, breakup, or moving far away, it can be helpful to research your grief as a way to make sense of it. Dr. Kübler-Ross’s original five stages have now officially added a sixth stage, finding meaning.

What “Finding Meaning” Actually Means

At first glance, the words “finding meaning” could make you feel angry. How could there be a meaning behind this painful event? What good could possibly come from having something you loved ripped out of your life. These are totally valid feelings! Take a deep breath, because Kessler makes it very clear that he does not believe that “finding meaning” in his son’s death means he will reach a place where he thinks his son’s death was a good thing. Loss is, frankly, terrible. The death of his son was tragic and sudden, and despite all the hard work he’s done to process his grief, he will always want his son back.

But in a world where the sad reality is that his son is gone, he must continue to live life, and the truth is that there are things in his life to be grateful for that never would have happened without the loss of his son. It has given him a renewed passion for learning and teaching about grief so that others can heal! It’s resulted in a new book, new psychological research, and new ways for others to find hope in their own losses. Though tragic, and though he’ll never get his son back, Kessler’s loss has brought a new source of meaning into his personal and professional life.

How You Can Find Meaning in Your Grief

Once you’ve reached a place where you can sometimes feel that “acceptance” stage kicking in, consider how the “finding meaning” stage could play a role in your healing. Where do you see that possibility in your loss?

Maybe you lost a parent. That is heartbreaking, and you may always wish you could have them back. But as you move forward, how can that loss inform your decisions, your goals, your dreams, and your direction? Perhaps your parent was an incredible cook, and you could find a connection to their memory in practicing your own cooking. That’s meaning.

Perhaps you lost a friend. Perhaps their death was caused by drunk driving. Though you can’t go back and change the event itself, and though your friend will always be gone, what can you take away from the experience? Certainly, you’d rather have your friend back than “learn a lesson” from their death, and that’s completely valid. However, time and your life will move forward regardless. How will the experience of this loss inform the way you choose to live from here on out? Maybe you become a crusader for the campaign to end drunk driving, or maybe you become the designated driver who makes sure your friends always get home safely. That’s meaning.

Whatever or whomever you’ve lost, ask yourself, “How can I meet my pain with love today? How can I honor ___ even though they’re absent?” You can start small! At first it may be that you take your grief on a 5-minute walk outside, even if you know you’re going to return to the couch and curl up with a blanket immediately afterward. Eventually, you may find the desire to think bigger. Maybe you can honor the lost person by turning their old bedroom into a craft room so that you can feel close to their memory as you make art. Maybe you start a club at school that centers on doing something you used to enjoy with that person. Maybe you apply to a college they attended, consider majoring in something they studied, or pursue a career they were passionate about (as long as these things are also honoring to you at the same time as they honor your loved one). Day by day, finding meaning is about looking for ways you can start to feel joy again, honoring those you’ve lost, and loving yourself through the grieving process.

Hope in the Darkness

Just as David Kessler would probably give up his new book, even his entire career, if he could have his son back, you may always have that longing, deep down for the return of what you lost. Finding meaning in the midst of grief does not negate that feeling. Instead, finding meaning is how we can feel connected to the person we loved, how we can live our lives in honor of that love, and how we can find joy in our lives again, even as our grief remains a part of us.

The most important thing to take away from anything you read about grief is that, though there are big similarities like the six stages, we all handle it differently. Loss is devastating. You’ll feel so many feelings that it will be hard to keep track of or identify them, especially in the early days after the loss. As time goes on, you may notice that one or two strong feelings linger while others get quieter. You may have days and weeks where you feel okay, then suddenly get hit with a wave of heartache out of nowhere. Be patient with yourself–grief is hard.

Christ Himself dealt with intense grief when He experienced loss… you are not alone in this feeling, and He has an intimate understanding of your pain. Don’t suffer in silence! We encourage you to talk to someone as you grieve. It can be really helpful to have someone from an outside perspective empathize with and encourage you! If you don’t know who to turn to or how to find meaning in your situation, please reach out to a Hope Coach today. We are always here to listen without judgment and share the hope you can know even in the darkest times.

We also have a partner, GriefShare, who is a caring support group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life's most difficult experiences.