About a year and a half ago, I would worry myself absolutely sick about my fiancé's faith. I was obsessive about praying for him and spent many long hours sobbing and pleading with God to give me a sign that everything was going to work out, only to be constantly dissatisfied with the proof I was shown. My heart would sink whenever my fiancé said something that deterred my ideals.

How I Navigate My Fiancé's Faith

Deep Resentment Towards Religion

One night, I just couldn't sleep. I had been crying for about two hours, and I needed someone to talk to. So after searching online, I came across TheHopeLine.com. A very kind and patient Hope Coach named Val talked with me for over an hour, listening to my plight as I explained my situation:

My fiancé was raised by a very hateful, cultist, alcoholic atheist and had been abused, in all definitions of the word, by various church members, while the church did nothing but cover it all up. This caused a deep resentment for religion to grow in his heart. Over time spent with my family, he gradually warmed up to the faith, calling himself a Christian, and reading the Bible. There was a noticeable change in his heart and convictions.

We Are All Flawed

But that wasn't enough for me. See, I, like many others, was raised with a very cut and dry picture of what a Christian man should be…a picture that somehow forgot to include the fact that the "man" portion of "Christian man" meant that he was still allowed to have struggles and flaws. A man is allowed to be angry and confused, to experience pain and suffering. My fiancé' was allowed to be human, even while he strove to be like God.

Val instructed me with both sympathy and strong adherence to the Bible to wait, and to listen to God instead of my fears. Of course…that wasn't an easy task. So often we are surrounded by towering waves of "What Ifs" that we fail to see Jesus standing above the chaos, holding his hand out to us.

Hope Coach Guided Me Through My Anger at God

Today my fiancé is a strong believer, and there's not a doubt in my mind that he's saved. He prayed for me and guided me in a time when I was angry at God and lashing out in extreme ways, he rebuked me in love when I cursed Him.  He's witnessed to his friends on multiple occasions. He has an actual relationship with the Lord that isn't beholden on me and what I think of him.

Is he a perfect man? No. But no one is. My advice to anyone who reads this is just to wait and see what God has planned for you, (If you're not in danger, of course) and never to be afraid to reach out to other believers in a time of need.  We are family, we are here to help. Be still and know that He is God and He is bigger than your fears.

Are you struggling with someone in your life who has lost faith in God? Read What To Do if a Friend Loses Faith in God.

We all make mistakes. If you’ve found yourself in the sticky situation of having cheated on your partner, you’re a card-carrying member of the mistake-making club. Just kidding… there is no such club, or if there is, it’s just called “humanity.” Unfortunately, though, just because we all make mistakes doesn’t mean that your mistakes don’t matter or that they won’t have devastating consequences. Cheating, in any form and at any stage in a relationship, can have some deeply hurtful repercussions for everyone involved.

This article isn’t about how to recover if you’ve been cheated on, and it’s not about how to save your relationship with the person you cheated on. We do have articles on those topics, but today we’re speaking directly to you, the cheater, about how you can stop the dishonest behaviors you see in yourself and learn to build healthy relationships based on respect. Keep reading if you’ve been wondering:

• “What’s wrong with me?”
• “How do I stop cheating?”
• “Why am I hurting people I care about?”
• “Am I broken?”

How to Prevent Cheating

8 Ways to Stop Cheating

1. First and foremost: stop cheating. Sure, there are more things to think about, and we’ll get to those next. But if you are wondering how to stop cheating while actively involved in a cheating situation, something’s out of alignment. Do you really want to learn how to stop cheating? If yes, then get in touch with the parties involved, and break things off. Inform the person (or people) you’ve been seeing or talking to in secret that it’s over. Inform your partner(s) that you need some time, and yes, that should include coming clean about your infidelity. You can’t stop cheating while you’re still cheating. Plain and simple.

2. Acknowledge that you’ve hurt people. You need to admit to yourself that what you’ve done has caused pain for the person you’ve cheated on, but it’s also caused pain to you and possibly close friends and family members as well. Cheating, even if it is a secret, is not a victimless crime. You underestimate the damage you’re doing to yourself with every lie if you think you’re getting away without hurting yourself.

3. Figure out why you started cheating in the first place. There are several reasons why people cheat, and determining the root cause of your behavior is key to learning where you need to grow. Consider talking to a counselor or therapist about what fears, insecurities, or motivations are behind the choices you’ve made.

4. Look at your personal relationship with the truth. It’s pretty much impossible to cheat without lying, and if you think you never lied while you were cheating, you’re probably lying to yourself. Furthermore, if you’ve been lying about something this big, chances are you learned to lie a long time ago, have gotten pretty good at it, and do it in a lot of areas of your life. Are you afraid of the truth? Do you simply prefer the narrative you’ve created with lies to the reality of your life? What would happen if you suddenly started being honest with yourself and those around you?

5. Process any shame or guilt you may be feeling. Once you’ve acknowledged that you’ve done something wrong, feelings of regret, guilt, and shame are likely to set in. It’s important to learn how to respond to those feelings without plummeting into despair and self-hate. This is another time it might be a good idea to seek counsel from a therapist.

6. Forgive yourself. Even if the people you’ve hurt can’t forgive you for what you’ve done, in order to move on, you will need to forgive yourself eventually. Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean that you are ignoring the pain you’ve caused, and it doesn’t mean you’re dismissing the wrong that has been done. It simply means that you believe you are more than your mistakes, and you’re willing to believe that you’re worthy of a better future.

7. Rebuild trust. This begins with yourself. If you’re used to lying to everyone, including yourself, you need to teach yourself that you are trustworthy by being trustworthy. Start practicing honesty with yourself, your friends, your family members, and eventually with romantic interests. Honesty requires vulnerability, which makes it scary, but it’s a cornerstone of building healthy relationships moving forward.

8. Set yourself up for success. There are a number of ways you can protect yourself from falling into this trap again. Start with your answer to #3. Go to the core reason behind your cheating, and think of some ways you can find accountability and remove temptation from your daily life. This could look like talking with a therapist or relationship counselor regularly. It could also look like giving up alcohol, drugs, or social media…any of those things that open doors that you would prefer to keep closed. Some couples go so far as to have an “open phone policy,” where you know each other’s passcodes and are comfortable knowing that their partner may see what’s on their phone at any time. Only you know the things that may tempt you or make it easier to cheat again, so take time to decide what you need to do moving forward to make sustainable behavior change.

Building a Future Full of Healthy Relationships

Whether your relationship with the person you’ve cheated on recovers or not, the point of learning how to stop cheating is to be able to form healthy relationships in the future. All healthy relationships are based on a foundation of trust and respect. Until you address your mistakes, forgive yourself, and rebuild trust in yourself, you may struggle to build the kind of relationships that are both lasting and fulfilling. You may lose some people who have been important to you in the process of rebuilding how you act in relationships, and that is always difficult. Ultimately, though, building a future rooted in honesty will be worth it. Whatever you’ve done in the past, you can and will be loved for who you are because you are already loved, fully and completely.

If you’re not sure how to proceed from here, or if you want to find out more about the abiding, unconditional love of God, reach out to a Hope Coach today or check out our free ebook called Understanding Cheating. There is always hope, and you don’t have to do this alone.

Heartbreak hurts. Excruciatingly so. In fact, a broken heart hurts so badly that it makes you feel like you might die. But you aren’t really dying, right? Not exactly… Experts like Dr. Guy Winch have studied how the brain responds to a broken heart, however, and it may surprise you to find out that the way a brain reacts to a broken heart is similar to what happens when a brain goes into withdrawal from drug addiction. How is that possible? Dopamine and oxytocin.

How Heartbreak Impacts Your Health

Relationship Withdrawal

We were created to be in relationship with other people. Community and social bonds make life easier, more fun, and increase our chances of happiness and survival. That’s why, when we bond with someone, especially a best friend, family member, or romantic partner, the brain triggers the dopamine and oxytocin systems to signal that this is a rewarding activity. It makes us feel good! Or, in the case of substance abuse, it makes us dependent and unable to naturally produce our own dopamine and oxytocin without the external cue of our “drug.”

Just like when drug or alcohol abusers are detoxing or “coming down” from their addiction substance, a breakup–the sudden removal or loss of those dopamine and oxytocin booster signals–causes you to enter a literal state of withdrawal. While relationship withdrawal is not nearly as severe or life-threatening as substance abuse withdrawal can be, it does make you feel terrible. So if you’re wondering if it’s possible that your broken heart is causing you physical pain, it is! Your brain became accustomed to having that relationship as a source of dopamine and oxytocin, and now, that’s gone.

Broken Heart Syndrome

We’ve all heard stories of people dying of a broken heart, and while those may be an exaggeration, the physical symptoms of a broken heart have been so widely reported over the years that it’s hard to deny that they’re real. There’s a colloquial term for one such symptom: broken heart syndrome, also known as stress-induced cardiomyopathy. This phenomenon is known to mimic the feeling of having a heart attack, usually directly following extreme emotional stress. While it’s not life-threatening, it has brought folks to the emergency room in fear that they’re literally dying. 

You probably can’t get an official diagnosis for broken heart syndrome, but if you’re experiencing overwhelming physical symptoms after your breakup, you should talk to your doctor about whether you might be experiencing anxiety, panic attacks, or a depressive episode–when a specific circumstance causes or increases symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder. Depression and anxiety come with their own sets of debilitating physical symptoms, which could explain why you may feel like your broken heart is killing you.

Physical Signs of a Broken Heart

The very real impact of a broken heart on your body can look like the following:

• Disturbance in sleep patterns, whether that be insomnia or sleeping too much. Loss of sleep, the inability to wake up at a “normal” time, or suddenly needing several hours more sleep per day than usual are all signs that your body is in some form of distress. 
• Disturbance in appetite or digestion patterns, whether that presents as loss of appetite, an insatiable desire to numb feelings with binge eating, sudden weight gain/loss, irritable bowel syndrome, heartburn, or nausea and vomiting. 
• Tightness in chest, a racing heart, dizziness, or shaking.
• Constant head and/or body aches.
• Extreme fatigue or listlessness that inhibits your ability to focus.
• Weakened immune system. Your body is working hard to heal from recent stress and may not have the resources it normally does to battle common bacteria and viruses.

If you’re experiencing any of the above symptoms, it’s important that you seek help.

What Can You Do About Your Broken Heart?

In some cases, we may (literally) be chemically addicted to love or a specific relationship, which means that a broken heart is (literally) relationship withdrawal. If recovering from a broken heart, then, can look like recovering from an addiction, how can you walk yourself through “relationship rehab” and journey toward healing?

• Cut off your supply. You don’t recover from drug addiction while you’re still taking the drug. You don’t want to try to recover from this breakup while still engaging with your ex. Even if it’s just for now, stop talking to, hanging out with, and otherwise engaging with your ex. Hide or discard anything that reminds you of them. If you need to block their phone number and social media accounts, do so. You can always unblock later.
• Reach out for support. Any effective treatment program is going to encourage you to lean on trusted friends and family while you recover. You don’t have to, and some would argue that you can’t, do this alone. Get yourself a “breakup sponsor” or two whether it’s your mom or your best friend. It’s so helpful to have someone you can call or text when you start feeling bad or craving that old relationship.
• Mark your calendar. Most treatment programs also last for a set amount of time. A few weeks to several months. That amount of time isn’t guaranteed to “fix” your problem, and every person heals at their own pace. It may help you visualize and prioritize your healing journey, however, if you open your calendar or planner and decide your breakup recovery is going to last at least 2 weeks/months/years or whatever feels right to you.
• Don’t make any major decisions. Now may not be the time to chop off your hair, move to a new city, quit your job, or start a new relationship. Run any big ideas by your support network just to make sure you’re staying true to yourself, not just reacting to your recent distress.
• Prioritize rest. Your brain is going through a lot. You’re going to be tired. Get your basic 8 hours of sleep and don’t overbook your schedule.
• Prioritize health. Eat nutritious foods. Stay hydrated. Move your body. If your body isn’t functioning properly, it’s not going to be able to cope with any physical symptoms you have.
• Reflect, process, and come to terms with reality. There’s usually a lot of talk therapy, support groups, and journaling in a recovery program. Give yourself that space too. Talk through important questions with friends or explore them in a journal: Do you have a love addiction? Were you unhealthily dependent upon the relationship that just ended? How did the relationship change you, for better and for worse? What did you appreciate about the relationship, and what would you do differently in your next one? What else is important to you in life besides romantic relationships?
• Look for fun and healthy ways to replace some of those dopamine and oxytocin triggers. Get into yoga. Go outside–there’s a reason so many addiction treatment programs incorporate nature and outdoor activities in their program. There are even studies that suggest getting your hands literally dirty while gardening or potting plants can increase your dopamine levels.

What’s the Spiritual Perspective on Heartbreak?

Listen to the opening lyrics of  “Come As You Are” by David Crowder:

Come out of sadness

From wherever you’ve been

Come broken hearted

Let rescue begin.

God Himself is no stranger to heartbreak, and even Jesus wept with sorrow. The Bible is filled with verses of hope, empathy, and strength for those who are hurting. All you have to do is reach out for help, and you’ll receive it. If you want help understanding how God can help you with your pain, talk to a Hope Coach today. You are not alone, and there is light in the darkness. We’ll leave you with a promise from the same song:

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal.

If you have been struggling silently with an eating disorder, it’s time to seek help. What does seeking help look like? For a lot of us it means talking to our parents, which may be an intimidating prospect. The truth is, however, that your parents have access to a lot more resources than you would if you tried to face your problems alone. If you’re not sure how to approach this conversation with Mom and Dad, we’ve come up with a few ways you can go about that conversation.

How to Be Open About an Eating Disorder

How to Bring Up Eating Disorders with Your Parents

Getting a hard conversation started is the hardest part, so set yourself up for success. Don’t try to bring this up in the middle of a busy moment, because your parents won’t be able to give you the attention this subject deserves. Choose a time when you know your parents won’t be distracted or ask them in advance if you can have a talk with them about something important. Here are a few things you could say:

• “We had Eating Disorder Awareness Week at school, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Do you think we could talk later? I need your support figuring some things out.”
• “Could we set aside some time to chat this week? I have an important thing to run by you, and I don’t want us to be distracted.”
• “Do you have a second? Would now be an okay time to talk about something important?”

Once you have your parents’ attention, it may be tough to figure out how to jump into the subject of eating disorders. First, take a deep breath. What you’re doing is brave, caring, and necessary. Try saying something like this:

• “So I’ve been learning a lot about symptoms of [the eating disorder you think you have], and I think I have it. I think I’ve had it for a while now, since [the first time you noticed your symptoms]. Can we talk about what to do next?”
• “I’ve been [list some of your symptoms]. I think that could mean I have [your particular eating disorder]. It’s gotten to the point that I feel like I need your help. Can we talk about it?”

Take another deep breath. The hardest part is over! Getting help for an eating disorder is a process, but telling someone is a great first step. 

How to Address Your Parents Questions

It’s a hard thing to hear that someone you love is struggling, so don’t be surprised if your parents have a million questions after you tell them you’re battling an eating disorder. It’s tough to answer a bunch of questions when you’re going through a hard time, so don’t be afraid to let your parents know that you’re overwhelmed. You can say something like this:

• “I know you have questions. I do too. Can you slow down and just give me a hug right now? I don’t have a lot of answers for you, and I’m scared.”
• “All the questions are a little overwhelming right now. I came to you for help because I’m not sure what to do next. Can we do the research together?”
• “I feel like I’m in trouble for struggling because of the interrogation. Can we go through your questions later? It took a lot for me to come to you today, and I’m feeling tired.”

When you’re ready to listen to your parents’ questions, you can be prepared for them to be curious about what your symptoms are, how long you’ve been experiencing this problem, and where you think the cause of the problem comes from. While it’s an extremely vulnerable thing to share these kinds of details, this is the kind of information that’s important when it comes to figuring out the next steps for treatment. Take some time to prepare for this part of the conversation. You can start with some of the following phrases:

• “The symptoms that make me feel like I have this eating disorder are ____, ____, and ____.”
• “The first time I remember having any of these symptoms was ____.”
• “I’m not sure exactly why this started, but it seems like ____ and ____ are factors.”

It’s also completely acceptable if your answer to some of their questions is “I don’t know.” You aren’t suddenly an expert in eating disorders just because you’re experiencing the symptoms, and part of recovery is learning everything you can about the disorder. When it comes to the questions you and your parents both have, let them know that there are plenty of resources available for eating disorder education. You can start with this list, but be sure to consult a professional to get recommendations specific to you:

• Eating Disorder Awareness Week: How to Find Help
• NationalEatingDisordersAwareness.org
• What Are Eating Disorders & How to Recover
• Disordered Eating: Do I Have an Eating Disorder?
• Eating Disorders: What is OSFED?

Ask Your Parents for What You Need

The whole point of going to your parents about your eating disorder is to get help! Once you and your family have had a conversation and explored some research about the topic, make sure you ask them for the specific kinds of help you’re hoping to get. Let your research guide you here if you aren’t sure what you need, and when in doubt, seeing both a mental health professional and your primary care physician is an excellent first step. Try expressing your needs to your parents in the following ways:

• “I came to you because I want to find help. I think the first step is to see my doctor and get evaluated for an official diagnosis. Can we make an appointment soon?”
• “I think something that would really help me would be to see a therapist or counselor. Can we look for somebody nearby who I could talk to about this?”
• “I know mornings/evenings are really busy for our family, but I could use some accountability when it comes to breakfast/dinner. Can I ask that someone share those meals with me so that I’m less tempted to skip or binge?”
• “My body image is something I am really sensitive about, so it would be great if we could make a family rule not to comment on each other’s bodies, clothes, or appearance.”
• “It would help me feel supported in this if you would commit to seeking counseling with me. Sometimes disordered eating runs in families, and I’m a little nervous about going to therapy by myself.”

Don’t feel the need to ask for the above things if they don’t sound right for you, but we encourage you to seek an official diagnosis with your doctor. Treatment for eating disorders varies based on which one you have and the severity of your symptoms, so the best way to ensure that you get the right kind of help is to discuss your struggle with a physician. Your parents should be able to help you get an appointment and accompany you if you want.

There is Hope

Nobody has a perfect relationship with their parents, but hopefully you feel that they can be there for you when something as important as your health is concerned. If, however, your parents respond to this conversation in a way that doesn’t make you feel supported, or if you don’t feel safe talking to them in the first place, you’re not alone. You can reach out to TheHopeLine to talk to someone who will offer you unconditional support and even help you get connected with resources that can assist you with your journey to recovery. We believe that you deserve to feel hope, love, and peace as you bravely pursue recovery from disordered eating, because you were created by a God who sees you and knows your struggle. 

Do you find yourself obsessing over what you see in the mirror? Here are 6 ways how to not obsess over appearance. 

Each year we take some time to call awareness to the ever-present problem of eating disorders. Eating Disorder Awareness Week is all about educating folks on how eating disorders work and providing support for those impacted by eating disorders and their families. This February, take some time to familiarize yourself with the signs and symptoms of common eating disorders and how you can get help if you’re struggling or provide help for a friend dealing with disordered eating. If you’re looking to maintain a higher awareness of eating disorders year-round, you can check out these influencers, folks who have dedicated their social media platforms to eating disorder recovery.

What Is an Eating Disorder?

An eating disorder is a mental health condition that impacts the way your brain processes emotions surrounding your eating behaviors. Often an eating disorder is accompanied by other mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and panic disorders. Eating disorders make it extremely difficult for you to have a healthy relationship with food, often causing you to obsess over every bite, every calorie, every pound, until you’re unable to think about anything other than what you’re eating or your body image or both.

There are 6 eating disorders in the DSM-V, and they each have their own set of symptoms, behaviors and treatments: anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge-eating disorder, pica, rumination disorder, and avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder. Battling an eating disorder can also cause cardiovascular problems, gastrointestinal issues, other health conditions related to malnutrition, and even death. It’s estimated that nearly 5% of adolescent females and 8% of all individuals suffer from an eating disorder. While 1 in 3 of every person with an eating disorder is male, men and boys are notoriously under-diagnosed with ED because of stigmas associated with male body image. Thankfully, with treatment and support, recovery is possible, and many people who’ve struggled with an eating disorder live full and healthy lives.

How Do You Know You Have an Eating Disorder?

If any of these signs and symptoms sound familiar to you, consider talking to a healthcare professional and your trusted support network about the possibility that you might have an eating disorder:

• You significantly restrict the amount of food you eat, usually in order to lose weight.
• You have an overwhelming fear of gaining weight.
• You obsess over the number on the scale when you weigh yourself.
• You obsess about how you look in the mirror, in pictures, or on social media.
• You restrict your food to the point of malnutrition or loss of energy.
• You obsessively count or measure your food.
• You have a rigid, specific routine surrounding food, such as only using specific utensils or eating at certain times.
• You spend an abnormal amount of time inspecting your food or reading product labels.
• You eat an abnormally large amount of food in a given time frame.
• You feel like you have no control over your eating or that you can’t stop.
• You often eat really quickly, in secret, or alone.
• You eat until you’re uncomfortably full or when you aren’t hungry.
• You experience feelings of embarrassment or disgust after eating.
• You take extreme measures to lose weight after overeating, such as food restriction, excessive exercise, vomiting, using laxatives, etc.
• You have the irresistible urge to eat or drink things that aren’t food, such as paper, paint, hair, soil, etc.
• You regurgitate your food into your mouth in order to chew, swallow, or spit it out.

6 Ways to Get Help for an Eating Disorder

If any of the above behaviors sound familiar to you, you’re currently struggling with a relapse of a diagnosed eating disorder, or if the symptoms remind you of a loved one, it’s time to get help! But where does that help come from? Luckily, there are a number of resources available for eating disorder recovery.

1. Share with your support network. Talk to your parents, trusted friends, and/or support staff at your school, church, or workplace. You do not have to handle this alone, and leaning on people who love you can be a crucial part of successful recovery.

2. Make an appointment with a healthcare professional. Eating disorders can lead to serious health problems, so you need to be evaluated in order to know how best to proceed. You might need medications to address either the eating disorder or an issue caused by the ED, and a doctor will be able to recommend a facility if inpatient care is needed.

3. Call, text, or chat online with The National Eating Disorders Association Hotline. This organization has been fighting for decades to prevent ED’s and support those who struggle with them. They’ll be able to work with you, no matter where you are in your recovery journey.

4. Find a professional therapist or counselor who specializes in eating disorder recovery. An eating disorder is a mental health disorder, so while it is important to see a physician to advise you on appropriate medical treatments, you also need someone who can help you work on your mental health.

5. Check out these free ebooks called Starved and Understanding Eating Disorders. Education is key! The more you know, the more aware you can be of how your eating disorder works. It can also help you figure out how to talk about your experience.

6. Chat with a HopeCoach who can help you process your thoughts and connect you with resources that can support you in recovery.

Address the Root of the Problem: Accept Yourself

Research supports the idea that eating disorders often spring from an unhealthy body image or low self-worth. To truly recover from an eating disorder, you need to work on accepting yourself for who you are and recognizing your innate value. Work on learning how the lies you have believed about your body or about food are not the truth.

You have been fearfully and wonderfully made (yes, that includes your body) by a Creator God who wants peace and joy for you. Your body is a gift from someone who cares more about the condition of your heart than about your outward appearance and wants you to treat yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. On top of all that, He understands pain and struggle, so you will never be alone in your recovery journey with God by your side.

Are you facing eating issues? Check out our blog on Finding a Healthy Balance for eating and body image issues. 

What to Know About Relationship Counseling

Relationships are Messy

We post a lot of content that mentions how detrimental isolation can be for your mental health, and one of the reasons for that is: we are built to be in relationships. We are relational beings, created to give and receive love. If only it were as simple as giving and receiving. Instead, relationships are often messy, complicated, draining, and even hurtful. What do we do then? If you’re feeling less than happy in one of your relationships, especially a romantic one, it’s a great idea to seek relationship counseling.

Though you’ll likely learn a lot of helpful things in relationship counseling, one of those things is likely to be that in order to give your best to any relationship, you need to be prioritizing yourself rather than the other person. At first glance, that advice does not make sense! If you’re trying to make a relationship work, your first impulse is probably to try harder to give your partner everything they need, making sure they feel loved and appreciated at all times. From the time we’re in preschool, we’re taught sharing, generosity, kindness, and we’re given messages from a number of sources about how good it is to be selfless. That’s not exactly conducive to learning to prioritize yourself, is it?

The Problem with Our Understanding of The Golden Rule

Potentially the most famous saying when it comes to how we should treat each other is known as The Golden Rule, which says, “Do unto others as you have done unto you.” Another Bible verse echoes the same sentiment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Most of us use these phrases as a fancy way to say that we should be nice to people, and that is a lovely thought, But there’s a HUGE piece of that puzzle missing when you just take these messages as a mission to love others well. Both verses presuppose that you already give yourself the love and respect that you think other people deserve. Do you?

Why You Need to Love Yourself First

You can’t treat others as well as you would like to be treated if you aren’t already treating yourself well. Without self-love, it’s as if every time you give love, you’re pouring from a cup that’s never being refilled. Eventually that cup will run dry, and you can’t pour from an empty cup. Without self-love, your self-confidence and self-esteem will falter. Without self-love, you may wonder whether you’re enough for the people you love. Without self-love, you may even struggle to believe that you matter at all. Without self-love, you’ll struggle to have self-compassion when you make mistakes or don’t perform the way you think you should. Without self-love, you may not even be able to acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments or accept compliments. Because that cup is empty, you’re left exhausted and dissatisfied, which means you’re not able to show up the way you want to for the relationships that are important to you. 

How to Love Yourself More

How do you go about filling that cup so that there’s plenty of love for you to pour into the lives of the people you love? The term “self-care” gets thrown around a lot these days, and it’s easy to dismiss it as an occasional evening where you light an aromatherapy candle, do a facemask, and take a bubble bath. Self-care really is the answer here, however, because ultimately prioritizing yourself means that you are taking good care of yourself in several key categories. Check out this TikTok from TED Talks on the 7 different types of rest you need, and look at these categories of self-care you can’t ignore:

1. Physical health. If your body doesn’t have the fuel it needs, your brain can’t function properly. In order to love yourself, then, you’ve got to tend to your physical health. That entails sleep, rest, exercise, hydration, nutrition, and so much more. Have you paid attention to your physical health lately? Make a plan to do one big thing for your physical health in the next few days.

2. Social health. How long has it been since you hung out with your friends? Your family? Are the people you spend the most time with treating you the way you deserve to be treated, or do they leave you feeling bad about yourself, small, and exhausted? Consider taking some time away from the people who don’t fit in with your self-love goals. Take a moment to shoot a text to someone you love but haven’t spoken to lately, and maybe even make a plan to hang out soon.

3. Mental health. What even is mental health? It’s a combination of the way that you think and how your brain is functioning. Your brain falls into patterns based on how you use it. What are your brain’s thought patterns and habits? What are you doing to keep your brain in shape, and what kinds of things are you feeding your mind? Challenging yourself with games or puzzles that make you think can be an incredibly healthy habit, so keep playing Wordle! Maybe add some offscreen activities like an old-school sudoku booklet and reading to keep your brain working. Identify any negative thought patterns that you’d like to change.

4. Spiritual health. Whether you subscribe to a particular religion or not, we all have spiritual needs that need tending.  You can take the time to nurture your spiritual self by attending a service at your church, spending some time in prayer, journaling about recent experiences or future goals, and meditating on what makes you feel connected to the world.

5. Emotional health. Processing feelings is hard! How are you making sure you’re not constantly overwhelmed by them? Do you have trustworthy friends you can talk to about big feelings? Do you have healthy activities that help you feel calm when your emotions are running wild? When your emotions start running your life, you can easily get stuck in a cycle of shame or poor self-esteem. This is where therapy or counseling can be helpful as well, especially if you’re feeling drained and aren’t sure how to go about getting your emotional energy back. 

If it helps you conceptualize how to care for yourself, imagine you have a child whose care is completely your responsibility. What needs would you make sure are met? You would make sure they have a good night’s sleep and a healthy breakfast. You’d take them to the park and teach them to ride a bike. You’d help them with their homework and make sure they’re always safe. You would also comfort them if they felt sad or scared, and you’d celebrate with them if they were happy. What else would you do to make sure this child has everything they need to be emotionally and physically healthy? Now imagine that child is you.

The New Golden Rule: Love Yourself as You Would Love Others

Once you’ve realized that self-love is a key element of any functional relationship, you can start implementing it in your own life and reap the benefits. When you’re rested and well cared for, you’ll have more to give to the relationships that are important to you! As much as those people matter to you, you also matter. And just as you’d hate to let your loved ones go without essential care, your care is also essential.

If you’re looking for other ways to explore how to love yourself, check out other THL resources on self-worth and self-esteem:

• Bible Verses for Self-Acceptance When You Hate Yourself
• Understanding Self-Worth and Self-Hate
• A Prayer When You Feel Unloved

If you’re not sure how to get started on a journey toward self-love, or if you don’t feel like you’re worthy of it, please reach out to TheHopeLine today. We’re here for you when your cup is empty because Christ called “all who are weary and burdened” to come and find rest, and that includes you. 

For a free consultation and help with relationship counseling, visit our partners at Focus On The Family. 

I thought I’d never be free.

During the darkest decade of my life, I thought I’d never win my battle against bulimia. It seemed impossible to escape the powerful binge-purge cycle of addiction. Impossible to imagine a life of normalcy ever becoming reality for me again—especially after several failed attempts.

And yet, this year in April, I will celebrate five years of freedom from that darkness. Five years of saying NO to bulimia and YES to God and life.

This post is not meant to be a how-to guide for overcoming bulimia or any other eating disorder. I am well aware that no two recovery stories are exactly the same, and what worked for me won’t work for everyone. Plus, I’m not a professional.

My true desire in sharing is that something in my story—one word, one thought, one idea—might help even one person by offering hope.

It was hope in God’s truth, strength, faithfulness, and grace that eventually led me to let go of bulimia and trust Him with my life.

And now, I am proof that hope prevails. That freedom is possible. That life is worth LIVING.

Bulimia Addiction: My Story of Recovery 

Whether or not you consider bulimia an addiction, it felt like one for me—starting off slow and seemingly harmless, but eventually becoming a craving I felt powerless to stop. At the peak of my battle with bulimia, I binged and purged multiple times per day, nearly every day. It was a fix and I could not get enough. Some days, my next binge was all I could think about. It consumed me.

Somehow, I hid the bingeing and purging from everyone I knew. Friends and family sometimes questioned whether I had an eating disorder, but I adamantly shut them down with lies. I’d built up such a facade of perfection that I couldn’t let anyone see the real mess inside.

In order to binge and purge that excessively, I also spent an excessive amount of money on binge foods. Some months, up to $900. This required more lying, as I blamed my high credit card bills on increased prices for regular groceries and a lack of self-control for new clothes.

Basically, I bought a LOT of food. To stretch my money, I stuck to store brands, sale items, bulk quantities, and fast food dollar menus, but occasionally splurged to satisfy specific cravings. In one binge-purge episode, I could eat an entire pizza, a bag of frozen chicken nuggets, plus chips. Or, an entire 2-layer chocolate cake, carton of cookies, and quart of ice cream. If that seems inconceivable, let me tell you. I looked like I was nine months pregnant and felt like I could barely move.

Throwing up was just as awful. But, in my mind it was non-negotiable. I had to get that food out of my body.

I also went through a brief period of abusing laxatives. Something like six at a time. If you’ve ever used even one or two laxatives, you’ll understand why I say it was brief. I couldn’t handle it and soon went back to puking exclusively.

Bulimia Recovery Attempts

I won’t get into all the times I attempted and quit recovery, but I will say that I now view those attempts as progress toward the recovery process—not failures. While they certainly felt like failures at the time, they also proved that I wanted to change. I wanted to recover.

Suffice it to say, I tried eliminating food temptations and occasionally went a few days or one to two weeks without bingeing and purging. Once I told my family, we talked and cried and argued through accountability, and I even met with a counselor. The entire time, I also prayed to God—begging forgiveness for making food and weight my idols, and asking for strength to overcome them. But, the addictive urge to binge would ultimately win and I’d fall back into the all-consuming cycle.

It wasn’t that people couldn’t help or that God didn’t listen. Honestly, I saw countless opportunities to stop. Reasons to say NO. God was there. Family cared. It was ultimately me who chose to give into the urge and continue my relationship with bulimia.

Bulimia Recovery Breakthrough 

I can’t recall exactly how I came across it, but in early 2016, I stumbled upon The Bulimia Help Method by Richard and Ali Kerr. They wrote the book after Ali personally recovered from bulimia, to share the method that worked for her, along with research they gathered throughout the process.

What first intrigued me was that Ali had been through what I was experiencing. The research data also made me feel like I wasn’t alone and, more importantly, wasn’t mentally ill. To quickly summarize, the research showed that my binge urges stemmed from the fact that I was otherwise severely restricting (aka. starving) my body of the calories (aka. the nutrients and energy) it needed to survive and thrive. The basic urge to binge was my body simply reacting to my poor treatment of it. It was telling me to stock up on food because it didn’t know when I’d properly feed it again.

Seems logical, right? Well, I sure thought so when I read it. So, I read on.

The next point that hit home for me was this: cravings won’t kill you.

When I read that, I stopped. Dumbfounded. Of course, I never thought a binge craving would kill me. But, I realized then that subliminally, I did believe that lie whenever the urge felt so strong I just had to give in.

Cravings won’t kill you. It was a simple truth that set me on the path to full freedom.

Bulimia Recovery Stages

First, as any addict may understand, cold turkey is tough. It may work for some, but I’d already been there, done that, and it didn’t work for me. Being one of those all-or-nothing types, that made it all the more frustrating. Mentally, I felt like the only acceptable way to recovery was to cease all bingeing and purging immediately. Once and for all. But that, my friends, was an extremely unrealistic expectation.

I had to retrain my brain to believe that recovery is a process. That all progress counts. That one setback doesn’t equal total failure. And, that I could trust God and His truth and faithfulness above all the false feelings that lingered.

And so, I started by committing to one day. Just one day a week of no bingeing and purging—and, more importantly, no restricting on that day. This was the point when my bulimia had gotten so out of hand that I was bingeing and purging multiple times every single day. So yes, that ONE DAY was progress for me.

Gradually, I increased to two days. Three. Four. Five. Six. And then. You know, it’s funny that the seventh day was the hardest to let go of. I hovered at six for a bit longer than I would’ve liked. Partly out of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what my life would truly look like without bulimia because it had consumed my identity for ten-plus years. But, a part of me also thought I would miss it, as crazy as that sounds. While ruining my life, bulimia also gave me a false sense of security. Acknowledging this and trusting God to be my complete source of comfort and truth was the next step in finally letting go of that seventh day.

After giving up one full week, I knew I wasn’t in the clear. It was still a daily process. So I challenged myself to go one-month bulimia-free. I even incentivized it with a reward: skydiving. It was on my bucket list, but I hadn’t been able to afford it due to spending all that money on binge food. So, I booked a nonrefundable skydiving session for one month out—knowing that it would discourage me from buying more food and motivate me to live that day feeling like I earned it.

Bulimia Recovery Symptoms

For a while during my recovery, I still felt like an addict desperate for my next fix. The cravings were no joke, and there were days when I prayed almost continuously, telling God that I trusted His truth above the lie that the urge to binge was too strong. Even when I didn’t know if I believed it, I prayed it. I knew I had to change my mindset and reestablish God’s truth as supreme over my life.

Moment by moment. Day by day. Week by week. It worked. The cravings lessened. My body started healing. I started re-learning how to live again. I started learning who I was—without bulimia and with God.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.

Weight gain—mostly temporary water weight, but still mentally challenging.
Grocery shopping without filling my cart with all the “bad” foods.
Ending the mindset that foods are “good” or “bad” and allowing myself to eat anything.
Slowly adding the former “bad” foods into my life (hello peanut butter and egg yolks!) without feeling the need to purge after eating them—even in normal quantities.
I could go on, but I’m sure you get the idea. It was uncomfortable. Scary. Frustrating.

God's Grace in My Bulimia Recovery

But, going through it made me stronger. It led me to understand God’s grace in a way that my previous 30-ish years as a Christian never did. Now, five years recovered, I feel the power of that grace as if I were the Prodigal Son (Luke 15) and joyfully proclaim that “[God’s] grace is sufficient for [me], for [His] power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Hope in Bulimia Recovery

And so, I share all of this, again, not in an effort to coach anyone through recovery or boast in my strength for beating bulimia.

No. I share it because, above all, I want to spread hope. I want to share my story of grace for any one of you facing the challenge of overcoming something hard. Something that has you feeling trapped or unsure that you’ll ever be free.

The truth is:

You’re not alone. Freedom is possible. Life is worth fighting for. And grace is enough.

This blog was originally published here.

About the author...

Jayme Muller - After recovering from a decade-long battle with bulimia, I decided to stop wasting my life and truly live again. If you need a dose of hope, travel inspiration, or encouragement in your walk with God, this blog is for you! You can find Jayme's blog at Adventure and the girl.

What to Know About Grief

We All Deal with Grief Differently

Dealing with the loss of a loved one can be extremely hard and you may feel like no one understands what you're going through because everyone deals with it differently, and each relationship is different as well. Grieving isn't one size fits all. You may have lost your grandmother; but your dad and two aunts lost their mom, your grandfather lost his wife, and that woman that has no relation to you, but you call aunt anyway just lost her best friend. Each and every one of you are grieving in different ways but hurting just the same.

I come from a big family and have lost many relatives over my life, but I'll never forget that morning 5 years ago when my mom called to tell me one of my uncles passed from a massive heart attack. Though it was hard to deal with, things did get better and that heart-wrenching pain of feeling like you can't breathe does pass. You will laugh again and it's ok when you do. At my uncle's funeral there were even some giggles and heartfelt laughs and dancing (country music was playing because that's the way he was).

He would have wanted more smiles than tears.

Myths and Facts about Grief

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH: It's important to "be strong" in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn't mean you are weak. You don't need to "protect" your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feeling can help them and you.

MYTH: If you don't cry, it means you aren't sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it's not the only one. Those who don't cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Five years later, I still think of him often and happily; but every year, on that one day, I can't help but reminisce on the good times, as well as how hard that day was. It's important to move forward and keep your head up and know that it is possible. I will always love him and carry him in my heart (as I do with all my family members that have passed). I know how much he loved me, and I take comfort in the fact that he knew how much I adored him as well. Believe me, they know. They always know. Even if the last thing you said to them wasn't "I love you", they still know. This pain you're feeling won't last forever, but I would be lying if I said it would never hurt again. It will, and that's ok.

There's nothing wrong with shedding a tear every now and then, as long as you remember to fill your heart with love and not anger for them not being here anymore. Do not dwell in the pain. Feel it, acknowledge it, then move on. And remember that just because they can't talk back, doesn't mean they're not listening when you talk to them.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, and be sure to share it with your friends who may be struggling with the loss of a loved one.

We also have a partner, GriefShare, who is a caring support group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life's most difficult experiences.

How to Cope With Emotional Abuse

Family Emotional Abuse

Your family is supposed to be the safest and most supportive group of people in your life, teaching you how to navigate the world in a healthy, confident way. Sadly, for many of us that’s not true. Many of us have family members who don’t treat us with love and respect, and that can wreak havoc on your mental health, starting in childhood and throughout your adult years. If you’re noticing signs of emotional abuse at home, you’re probably desperate to figure out how to cope, how to make it stop, or how to get away from it.

First, make sure you can identify what type of abuse is going on in your family. If you’re experiencing emotional abuse, this article is for you! If, however, there’s extreme verbal abuse, sexual abuse or physical abuse in your home, this article can offer some coping advice, but we have other resources that can help you figure out what to do. Check these out:

• 3 Steps to Escape an Abusive Relationship
• Coping with Sexual Abuse
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline (24/7)
• A Prayer When Struggling with Fear

Safety First

In the process of figuring out how to deal with emotionally abusive family members, it’s possible that you may determine that you need to leave the home. Consider your safety when you’re making a plan to leave an abusive relationship. You simply never know whether an emotionally or verbally abusive person may resort to physical abuse when challenged. If you’re afraid for your safety, need help figuring out an escape plan or reporting what you’ve experienced, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

8 Ways to Cope with and Heal from Emotional Abuse in the Family

Growing up with emotionally abusive parents (or other family members) takes a huge toll on everything from normal child development to PTSD or C-PTSD later in life. If you’re in an emotionally abusive family now, it’s possible to start learning how to cope and heal! While nobody can deny that you’ve experienced painful trauma, there IS hope for your future. Check out these steps forward to begin a journey toward a healthier life.

1. Therapy or counseling. Research qualified trauma therapists in your area or talk to a counselor at your church or school. Working with a professional is a great way to address the problem of abuse in your family. With them you can start identifying the specific patterns of your abusive family members, how that trauma is showing up in your own mental health problems, and specific actions you can take to make your life better.

2. Learn the lingo. Emotional abuse is a well-researched topic. Check out our site for more on the topic or look for medically reviewed articles on sites like VeryWellFamily and Psychology today, and get familiar with concepts like “gaslighting,” “witholding,” and “love bombing.” If you can identify their tactics, you’ll be equipped to respond to your abuser at the moment and even begin to call them out. 

3. Know your truth and defend it. Through therapy, research, and practice, you can start to re-learn who you are, what you want, and how you want to be treated. Stand confidently in that truth and defend yourself using techniques such as boundary setting and “gray rocking.” 

4. Set strict boundaries. If you’re staying in a relationship with your abusers, which is often the case when you still live with or depend on them financially, it’s important to start communicating how you expect to be treated and the consequences if those expectations aren’t met. For instance, you say to your parent, “I’d love to eat dinner with the family, but if you start to make unkind remarks about me, I’ll have to take my plate to my room.” You can also develop boundaries surrounding the abusers that you don’t communicate to them. For example, you may decide to stop sharing stories from work or school with your parent, or you might decide to ride the bus to school instead of getting a ride from them. Remember that abusive people rarely respond graciously when you try to set boundaries, so be prepared to carry your plate to your room. Stand your ground, and do what makes you feel safe.

5. Don’t isolate. Isolation is one of the more cunning tactics of an abusive family. By creating a “closed system” in which outsiders are unwelcome, or where you’re judged or punished for seeking relationships outside the family, abusers make sure that they maintain control over you and continue the abuse. Don’t self-perpetuate that isolation. Reach out to trusted friends and family. Share what you’re going through with them so that you’re not alone in acknowledging the abuser’s actions. Ask for support–you’ll likely get it! 

6. Reconstruct your sense of self. One of the impacts of emotional abuse is that you’ve spent so much of your life worrying about how to keep your abuser appeased that you have very little concept of your identity apart from that or the lies they fed you about who you are. It can be extremely healing to discover that you are your own, free to think, feel, and do what makes you feel happy and healthy. This is the time to try new things, meet new people, read, explore, and nurture interests both old and new. You may discover things about yourself you never would’ve known if you’d stayed hidden under your abuser’s wing. 

7. Build a lifestyle you love. Healing is a process. There isn’t one isolated thing you can do to flip the ON/OFF switch of trauma. You have to commit to making room in your life for little healing moments to happen every day. Over the long term, that looks like building a healthy lifestyle that supports your mental and emotional health. Choosing foods that are delicious and nutritious, moving your body, going to counseling or therapy, pursuing your interests and passions, and engaging with your community organizations can all be a part of the full life you make for yourself.

8. Commit to ending the cycle. Another common impact of emotionally abusive relationships is that they’re often part of a pattern. The emotional trauma it leaves with its victims can lead them to be blind to potential abuse in future relationships or to repeat their abusers' tactics on others. Don’t let that be you. Learn everything you can about emotional abuse and make sure your family’s cycle of abuse ends with you. Your future children or partners don’t have to endure what you have, and you don’t have to put up with abuse from anyone else. You have the power to be the last in your family’s legacy of emotional abuse.

Nobody Deserves to Be Abused

If you’ve looked over all this and still don’t know where to start or who to reach out to, get help from a Hope Coach today. You don’t deserve to be stuck in an abusive situation, and we will do whatever we can to help you determine the next steps in your journey toward freedom because you are worthy of great love.

For more on how to recognize the types of abuse and what to do read Parent Relationships: Am I Being Abused?