How to Handle Being Pressured for Sex
What to Say When Someone Is Pressuring You
When someone is pressuring you to move faster or further in a relationship than you want to, you do not have to give in to that pressure. Hopefully, having a clear, honest conversation with your partner will establish boundaries you are comfortable with. For example, you can say something like "I'm not ready to have sex yet. I'm only comfortable hugging, kissing goodnight, and holding hands." If you are waiting until marriage to have sex, let your partner know. A loving response is kind, respectful of your boundaries, and willing to do only what you feel comfortable with when it comes to physical intimacy.
The reason it's so important to be clear about physical boundaries is that not doing so can lead to sexual harassment or assault. Sexual assault happens when someone touches you sexually, or has sex with you, after you have said no. If you did not give consent when your partner had sex with you, or you were unable to consent to intimate touching when it happened, there is support available to understand sexual assault and how to heal from it. If you do feel safe talking about boundaries with your partner, but are unsure how to do it, a counselor or mentor can help you find the right words.
Feeling Pressured to Have Sex in a Dating Relationship Is Common, But Not Acceptable.
In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are being pressured to have sex with their boyfriends. Guys are also pressured to have sex with their girlfriends.
Listen to this call I had with Justin. Justin’s friend asked him for advice. His friend wants to stop having sex with his girlfriend, because it goes against his religious beliefs. But his girlfriend disagrees with him.
Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another.
Many of those who are pressured into having sex give in to it mostly because of the overwhelming fear of losing the person they care about, if they don't agree to have sex. I find that very often people who end up having a sexual relationship are simply doing whatever they think needs to be done to hold on to their bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. But in the process, they lose their self-respect and gain the very real possibility of unwanted pregnancy, diseases, rape, bad reputation, and of course, a broken heart.
Becca has learned this the hard way, "I was recently violated by a guy who I thought was a really great guy, but then he started pressuring me and now I hate him for it. We aren't even talking anymore. If you're a guy and you read this, can you please take this seriously and please respect the girl that you like and please don't violate her! It can really make a big difference in anyone's life."
What Is Consent?
If your boyfriend is pressuring you to have sex, it’s time to talk to him about consent. What is consent? Consent is a fundamental aspect of any healthy and respectful relationship. When you consent to something, you’re essentially agreeing to it, but it goes beyond a simple, one-time “yes.” Consent should be an ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary agreement to participate in any form of intimacy.
If you don’t want to have sex, but you say “yes” because your boyfriend has repeatedly pressured you, that’s not true consent because it wasn’t voluntary or enthusiastic. If you thought you wanted to have sex, but you changed your mind, your consent is no longer ongoing—that “yes” became a “no,” and your partner should respect that at all times.
It may be a terrifying concept to sit your partner down and discuss boundaries, but if you’re feeling pressured, it’s imperative that you communicate. Tell them how you’re feeling. Tell them what is and isn’t acceptable for you right now. For example, “We can kiss and hold hands, but I’m not ready for more than that,” or “We can make out, but I want your hands to stay on top of my clothes, never under them.”
Without a very clearly communicated boundary, it may be that the pressure you’re feeling from your partner is a misunderstanding about where your line is—they may be happy to respect what you ask for once they have more information! If your partner argues with you or pushes back on the boundaries you set, that’s a major red flag you can’t ignore. They don’t respect your right to have ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary consent when it comes to your own body. Are you sure you want to be in an intimate relationship with that person?
And remember, consent goes both ways. If you have the unequivocal right to issue and withdraw consent at any time, so does your partner. Even if you and your partner have had sex before, you have no right to assume that means they want to again, nor do you have a right to express frustration or push back in any way when they tell you “no.” For a healthy relationship to work, there has to be trust. Trust can’t exist when one or both partners feel like they’ll be manipulated into changing their minds or punished when they communicate a clear boundary.
Talk to your partner about consent today, and ask someone for help if you feel your boundaries are being violated.
What Can You Do if You're Feeling Pressured to Have Sex?
If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag. Below are four thoughtful responses to the pressure - both to realize for yourself and to explain to your boyfriend or girlfriend.
1. Know where you stand in your convictions.
Most people with strong values have a clear understanding of what they believe and are far less susceptible to giving in to things they don't want to do.
Do you want to be a person who waits until they are married to have sex? It's important to define for yourself why this is important to you.
Are you aware of the power sex has to arouse deep emotions? Are you willing and able to bear the responsibility of a child?
Without strong convictions, the person you date could push their value system (or lack of!) onto you. Before you start talking to a guy or girl, make sure you know what you believe and why. This will be extremely helpful when you're being pressured.
Juli wrote: "It is easy to give in and say 'yes' but we have to prepare ahead of time so we can say 'no.' If you just wait until the moment, you easily cave in. My boyfriend pressured me so much and I gave in. I wish I hadn't, and I won't again."
2. Talk about your decision to save sex for marriage.
Explain your desire to wait to have sex with your bf/gf. Tell them that it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings or your level of commitment. You like your boyfriend or girlfriend so much that you don't want to ruin a great relationship by having sex. This conversation takes a lot of courage because your pressuring partner may refuse to understand what you are saying. They may take it personally or get mad and walk away. Nonetheless, the person who can talk things out is far happier than those who keep things deeply hidden.
Madison said, "My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him or have sex. I made a promise to God, my mom, and my family that I wouldn't do anything with a guy until I got married. My boyfriend always thinks that the reason I don't want to do things with him is because I don't like him, which is so far from the truth."
If your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision.
3. While waiting, learn what real love is.
The term "love" is one of the most misunderstood and abused words in the dictionary. Sometimes, when a guy says to a girl, "I love you," he is saying, "I don't love you; I love me and what sexual favors you do for me." Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another. Love does not trash someone else's deeply held values.
God is the creator of love and here is how he describes it:
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut,
doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” and doesn’t fly off the handle. (1 Corinthians 13:4-6)
In other words, love is patient and is willing to wait for the right time and the right person. Love always looks after the other person first. Love is never selfish. When a guy loves a girl, he will do everything he can to protect her.
God also created sex as an expression of love between a man and a woman. Sex is a beautiful gift from God when used in the right way.
Mandy wrote: "[When I have sex,] I feel loved and wanted, that's why I give in. Hoping that something will come out of it and it never does. If I can feel wanted, even if it's in a sexual way, I like it, but yet on the other hand, I don't." For the relatively few brief moments she is having sex, Mandy somehow feels loved. But after it's over and she is alone again, those empty words leave her unfulfilled and searching for more. Mandy is confused about what love is.
Someone once said, "Love can always wait to give. Lust can't wait to get."
A lot of guys will say they love their girlfriend and think that if she loved him, she would have sex with him. Either he doesn't know what love is, or he's lying about loving her. It's easy to believe a lie when you want to. It is not easy to face the consequences of believing that lie.
4. Know when to move on.
If the pressure for sex does not let up, get rid of him or her. If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag that something isn't right in your relationship. It is far better for you to lose your relationship than to do something you will later regret.
Alli wrote, "Three days into the "relationship" he started hinting that he wanted to make out with me. Then 6 days into the "relationship" we made out and then he started talking about sex. He tried to pressure me into it. He kept trying to do stuff, and I told him to stop. I didn't give in, but I ended up breaking up with him the next day." Allie is smart. She knows that if your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision. Remember, most pressured relationships are not love, but rather, they are just uncovered needs, fantasy, confusion, and selfishness.
Heather wrote, "[My boyfriend] knew I was insecure and vulnerable. I think that's why he pressured me so much. He made it sound as if it was my obligation."
Some people won't go into a relationship unless they know they will be able to have sex. Be prepared to be rejected. Just remember you won't die, and in the end, the respect you will have for yourself, and the pain avoided, will be well worth it.
The Bottom Line - It's Your Body
You don't ever have to do anything with your body you don't want to do. Sex is not an indicator of love, or even of your level of commitment in a relationship. Sex is not an obligation. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. May God give you a boyfriend or girlfriend who deeply respects you.
Is your relationship healthy? Many do not realize they are in an unhealthy relationship. Ask yourself these questions to find out.
My ex would pressure me. He would make me feel like there was something wrong with me for not wanting to have sex. I asked him if he would still date me even if I never let him touch me in any way; if just being with me would be enough for him to stay. He said no. I continued in the relationship. He pressured me into letting him finger me. Then one night, he came to me without asking. We were in bed, I was about to fall asleep and he tried to penetrate without even asking if he could. That was only the beginning of the horrible, emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. I feel so dirty because of him. I broke a promise to myself, to God, and to my parents. He eventually dumped me because he said he couldn't see himself marrying me, or at least that was one of three excuses. I think he was cheating. He then moved to another state (military) and now I will never be able to confront him. I emailed him and poured out my soul, telling him how badly he hurt me. He blocked me from all social media. Sending the email helped me get over him, but nothing will ever help me get over the pain and shame and filth that I feel every day. I'll never be able to stand face-to-face with him and confront him, and that will haunt me the rest of my life. Because of him, I am scared to ever love again.
Emily, above all else you need to have love for yourself. And part of loving yourself is forgiving yourself. You are not any less of a person because you had sex with someone you loved. I know this guy hurt you badly, and he most definitely did not deserve your love and commitment, but this is not something you should blame yourself for. You said it yourself---you were manipulated and abused. You weren't in the right mindset to choose what was best for you. And that's ok. That happens. We're human. We're never going to make the best choices in life every time. It's impossible. We need to love ourselves enough in those times we don't choose the best option to forgive ourselves and move past it. You are still a beautiful person. You are not damaged. You are not any less valuable. Love and sex can still be wonderful for you. And it WILL be when you forgive yourself.
Once you do that, set strong boundaries for yourself so you don't have sex again before you're ready. If you're a person of faith, I would suggest making sure any man you date in the future is also a person of faith. And if you want to wait till marriage (which you can STILL do regardless of your sexual history), I would also suggest making sure any man you date in the future also wants to wait till marriage. Dating someone who has your same morals and values, especially in regards to intimacy/sex and faith, is going to make your relationship much more compatible and easy.
Right now I am going out with this guy for 4 dates and he just started French kissing me right after first date. I was so uncomfortable but I was like it's ok but then he took me to his apartment and started to hug me. I thought it's just hug and then started to fondle me. I said no I don't want to do this now and it's way to early for it. He was like but I love you, I told him it's easy to say love these days and sex doesn't define love. Then he was not very happy but let it go. After our 4th day, he invited me for dinner and I had this back of my head something is fishy. I went to eat dinner at his house and then right after dinner, he started again with sex stuff love. I wanted to get out this situation. So I blurted out I can't with safety and he nonchalantly took out condom. I was surprised. I said NO. Let's not do it today and made excuse to go home early because of busy work the next day.
I am going to break up with him. I hate the pressure. I will do it if I am ready for it. It not now.
So proud of you for standing strong! That took a lot of courage to stand up for your beliefs and defend your own wants. You are a great encouragement!
I miss him. I miss him so much. He left me because I told him I wasn't ready for sex yet (virgin) and he said he couldn't wait. barely a month into the relationship and he couldn't wait. It's not even like I told him to wait till marriage or anything. I begged him to give me just a little time to get my mind ready but nope sex is just too important to him and he he's already tired of waiting and can't wait any longer. I should hate him for doing this to me but i just can't. I still love him and i miss him dearly. He has probably already moved but that's okay i will move on eventually and i will find my peace soon. But he will never know that I'm dying inside because he broke my heart like this. I will never give him that satisfaction. Sometimes I regret not giving him the sex but then I remind myself that I wasn't ready and if he truly loved me, he would've waited, no matter how long.
What you said is so incredibly true, "if he truly loved me, he would've waited, no matter how long." When you meet your true companion one day you will be so thankful that you did not give in. Stay strong!
You should be so proud of not giving him what he wanted. I wasn't as strong as you and trust me, the guilt that comes with caving into the wishes of a sadistic monster like that is so, so hard to cope with. It's like you were his cattle and he branded you and it will never go away. Be proud that you were strong and do not have to carry around the scars of a toxic relationship <3
This was honestly really helpful and self assuring that I'm doing the right thing here. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for only around 6 days. In these six days we have gone fast but I don't feel he pressured me to. I know that my boyfriends grade is a but sexual. So I'm getting prepared for the question to come. This article helped me work out a good response and plan to how to handle this situation when it comes : ) I like my boyfriend a lot and don't want to loose him so I really want to make sure he understands where I'm coming from!! Thank you ; )
I am so glad you found us and that this helped you. Chat with a HopeCoach anytime you want extra advice on this - https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp
My dilemma is this- I really like this guy, but he is different faith and culture (Hispanic Catholic). He constantly asks for sex whether it be phone sex, nude photos or nude videos or sexual fantasies. On the one hand, I understand how difficult long distance relationship can be. It has been a while since we've been in the same country and gone to the same college. He is respectful of me just getting out of a seven year relationship with a Christian man. We broke up two years ago due to long distance relationship and incompatibility.
So, I'm hesitant to go anywhere with bad sexual experiences despite it being important to the Hispanic Catholic man.
What should I do? We are still in the early dating stage, though he did say ldr was difficult for him. So, he attempted a break and is now back and knows my feelings, experiences, and thoughts about this subject. I've made it very clear, but at the same time don't want to lose him. We are trying out being friends now, though it seems difficult for him to take sex out of the equation. I don't know him well enough to tell if he's a keeper or not and my track record with guys isn't the best.
Thanks for coming here and opening up about your situation. I am concerned for you that you are dating a sex addict. The constant need for the nude photos and videos are signs that he has a problem. Here is the definition, "Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results." Like a drug addict they increasingly need more and the only thing that matters is when they get their next fix. I am also concerned for you that if you have sent him video and photos what he potentially might do with them, share with friends or on social media. Please protect yourself.