How to Handle Being Pressured for Sex
What to Say When Someone Is Pressuring You
When someone is pressuring you to move faster or further in a relationship than you want to, you do not have to give in to that pressure. Hopefully, having a clear, honest conversation with your partner will establish boundaries you are comfortable with. For example, you can say something like "I'm not ready to have sex yet. I'm only comfortable hugging, kissing goodnight, and holding hands." If you are waiting until marriage to have sex, let your partner know. A loving response is kind, respectful of your boundaries, and willing to do only what you feel comfortable with when it comes to physical intimacy.
The reason it's so important to be clear about physical boundaries is that not doing so can lead to sexual harassment or assault. Sexual assault happens when someone touches you sexually, or has sex with you, after you have said no. If you did not give consent when your partner had sex with you, or you were unable to consent to intimate touching when it happened, there is support available to understand sexual assault and how to heal from it. If you do feel safe talking about boundaries with your partner, but are unsure how to do it, a counselor or mentor can help you find the right words.
Feeling Pressured to Have Sex in a Dating Relationship Is Common, But Not Acceptable.
In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are being pressured to have sex with their boyfriends. Guys are also pressured to have sex with their girlfriends.
Listen to this call I had with Justin. Justin’s friend asked him for advice. His friend wants to stop having sex with his girlfriend, because it goes against his religious beliefs. But his girlfriend disagrees with him.
Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another.
Many of those who are pressured into having sex give in to it mostly because of the overwhelming fear of losing the person they care about, if they don't agree to have sex. I find that very often people who end up having a sexual relationship are simply doing whatever they think needs to be done to hold on to their bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. But in the process, they lose their self-respect and gain the very real possibility of unwanted pregnancy, diseases, rape, bad reputation, and of course, a broken heart.
Becca has learned this the hard way, "I was recently violated by a guy who I thought was a really great guy, but then he started pressuring me and now I hate him for it. We aren't even talking anymore. If you're a guy and you read this, can you please take this seriously and please respect the girl that you like and please don't violate her! It can really make a big difference in anyone's life."
What Is Consent?
If your boyfriend is pressuring you to have sex, it’s time to talk to him about consent. What is consent? Consent is a fundamental aspect of any healthy and respectful relationship. When you consent to something, you’re essentially agreeing to it, but it goes beyond a simple, one-time “yes.” Consent should be an ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary agreement to participate in any form of intimacy.
If you don’t want to have sex, but you say “yes” because your boyfriend has repeatedly pressured you, that’s not true consent because it wasn’t voluntary or enthusiastic. If you thought you wanted to have sex, but you changed your mind, your consent is no longer ongoing—that “yes” became a “no,” and your partner should respect that at all times.
It may be a terrifying concept to sit your partner down and discuss boundaries, but if you’re feeling pressured, it’s imperative that you communicate. Tell them how you’re feeling. Tell them what is and isn’t acceptable for you right now. For example, “We can kiss and hold hands, but I’m not ready for more than that,” or “We can make out, but I want your hands to stay on top of my clothes, never under them.”
Without a very clearly communicated boundary, it may be that the pressure you’re feeling from your partner is a misunderstanding about where your line is—they may be happy to respect what you ask for once they have more information! If your partner argues with you or pushes back on the boundaries you set, that’s a major red flag you can’t ignore. They don’t respect your right to have ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary consent when it comes to your own body. Are you sure you want to be in an intimate relationship with that person?
And remember, consent goes both ways. If you have the unequivocal right to issue and withdraw consent at any time, so does your partner. Even if you and your partner have had sex before, you have no right to assume that means they want to again, nor do you have a right to express frustration or push back in any way when they tell you “no.” For a healthy relationship to work, there has to be trust. Trust can’t exist when one or both partners feel like they’ll be manipulated into changing their minds or punished when they communicate a clear boundary.
Talk to your partner about consent today, and ask someone for help if you feel your boundaries are being violated.
What Can You Do if You're Feeling Pressured to Have Sex?
If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag. Below are four thoughtful responses to the pressure - both to realize for yourself and to explain to your boyfriend or girlfriend.
1. Know where you stand in your convictions.
Most people with strong values have a clear understanding of what they believe and are far less susceptible to giving in to things they don't want to do.
Do you want to be a person who waits until they are married to have sex? It's important to define for yourself why this is important to you.
Are you aware of the power sex has to arouse deep emotions? Are you willing and able to bear the responsibility of a child?
Without strong convictions, the person you date could push their value system (or lack of!) onto you. Before you start talking to a guy or girl, make sure you know what you believe and why. This will be extremely helpful when you're being pressured.
Juli wrote: "It is easy to give in and say 'yes' but we have to prepare ahead of time so we can say 'no.' If you just wait until the moment, you easily cave in. My boyfriend pressured me so much and I gave in. I wish I hadn't, and I won't again."
2. Talk about your decision to save sex for marriage.
Explain your desire to wait to have sex with your bf/gf. Tell them that it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings or your level of commitment. You like your boyfriend or girlfriend so much that you don't want to ruin a great relationship by having sex. This conversation takes a lot of courage because your pressuring partner may refuse to understand what you are saying. They may take it personally or get mad and walk away. Nonetheless, the person who can talk things out is far happier than those who keep things deeply hidden.
Madison said, "My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him or have sex. I made a promise to God, my mom, and my family that I wouldn't do anything with a guy until I got married. My boyfriend always thinks that the reason I don't want to do things with him is because I don't like him, which is so far from the truth."
If your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision.
3. While waiting, learn what real love is.
The term "love" is one of the most misunderstood and abused words in the dictionary. Sometimes, when a guy says to a girl, "I love you," he is saying, "I don't love you; I love me and what sexual favors you do for me." Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another. Love does not trash someone else's deeply held values.
God is the creator of love and here is how he describes it:
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut,
doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” and doesn’t fly off the handle. (1 Corinthians 13:4-6)
In other words, love is patient and is willing to wait for the right time and the right person. Love always looks after the other person first. Love is never selfish. When a guy loves a girl, he will do everything he can to protect her.
God also created sex as an expression of love between a man and a woman. Sex is a beautiful gift from God when used in the right way.
Mandy wrote: "[When I have sex,] I feel loved and wanted, that's why I give in. Hoping that something will come out of it and it never does. If I can feel wanted, even if it's in a sexual way, I like it, but yet on the other hand, I don't." For the relatively few brief moments she is having sex, Mandy somehow feels loved. But after it's over and she is alone again, those empty words leave her unfulfilled and searching for more. Mandy is confused about what love is.
Someone once said, "Love can always wait to give. Lust can't wait to get."
A lot of guys will say they love their girlfriend and think that if she loved him, she would have sex with him. Either he doesn't know what love is, or he's lying about loving her. It's easy to believe a lie when you want to. It is not easy to face the consequences of believing that lie.
4. Know when to move on.
If the pressure for sex does not let up, get rid of him or her. If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag that something isn't right in your relationship. It is far better for you to lose your relationship than to do something you will later regret.
Alli wrote, "Three days into the "relationship" he started hinting that he wanted to make out with me. Then 6 days into the "relationship" we made out and then he started talking about sex. He tried to pressure me into it. He kept trying to do stuff, and I told him to stop. I didn't give in, but I ended up breaking up with him the next day." Allie is smart. She knows that if your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision. Remember, most pressured relationships are not love, but rather, they are just uncovered needs, fantasy, confusion, and selfishness.
Heather wrote, "[My boyfriend] knew I was insecure and vulnerable. I think that's why he pressured me so much. He made it sound as if it was my obligation."
Some people won't go into a relationship unless they know they will be able to have sex. Be prepared to be rejected. Just remember you won't die, and in the end, the respect you will have for yourself, and the pain avoided, will be well worth it.
The Bottom Line - It's Your Body
You don't ever have to do anything with your body you don't want to do. Sex is not an indicator of love, or even of your level of commitment in a relationship. Sex is not an obligation. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. May God give you a boyfriend or girlfriend who deeply respects you.
Is your relationship healthy? Many do not realize they are in an unhealthy relationship. Ask yourself these questions to find out.
While pressuring someone to have sex may be morally wrong it is not legally wrong so long as they don’t pressure through violence. But just as one person can decide they don’t want to have sex in a relationship the other party has every right to express their desire to have sex be a condition in their relationship. It’s up to both parties to communicate their desires and see if a compromise can be made. If not then while it may seem painful sometimes then the only option is to end the relationship. Sometimes one side can persuade the other side but that doesn’t mean the person wishing to engage in sex should be criminalized for their attempts at seduction/persuasion. Sex is complicated and lots of people get very immature when they desire it, hoping to change another person’s mind. So the best thing to do is try and stay true to yourself but recognize your partner is being true to themselves too when they desire to engage in sex, and are capable to express their desires even though they do not align with yours. The make of maturity is finding away to constructively talk about what both your needs are and how you can best meet those needs without compromising autonomy and agency for the both of you. And sometimes it works out and sometimes that is when the relationship has to end.
I do not like the attitude, "identify why you don't want sex." I don't owe anyone an explanation as to why I don't want sex. Other help sites suggest "if you're not ready, go on double-dates." People do not have a right to refer to people who do not want sex as "not ready," attitude assuming that at some point they will which indicates they are not listening to you and are not taking the decision seriously. Angry Rhett Butler movie scenes, "Rhett, I don't want to have more children" and a tirade about some other man, her "precious Ashley" behaviors. Not letting me do anything because, if you have the energy to bathe, you have energy for sex. If you have energy to maintain your sanity, you have energy for sex. People "dying" and "can't wait" to "get you into bed." I will not tolerate people who gang up as if they are the males testicles, silent treatments, "nothing to do" in the community, being alone, people being obnoxious to deter making friends and people being stand-offish because you won't have sex in their community. Therapists who think, "we have to find out why and fix it," "can't wait to get you into group," "we'll loosen her up," "the right man and the right amount of coercion is all it takes." That view by professionals is sexual abuse.
Can someone please respond? Couple months back I met this guy while working as a bartender. On the second day he kissed me off guard, and sadly I gave into the kiss. Soon right after that he had his hand in my pants, but before he did I'd warned him that I don't want him to touch my body, still during our kiss he quickly carried his hand in my pants. I was not ready for it, but the feeling suddenly came into me, but before it went any further I told him to stop, which he did. I am a virgin, and I told him right there. He seemed to love the idea that I was a virgin, and I taught it was a good thing that he did. Fast forward to a couple weeks later, I was in his bed, making out with him, to which he started to want to advance to sex. I stopped it by telling him a lie, that I was on my period, and it end there that night. We met each day after that, but nothing sexual would happen between us, we'd just kiss and talk. Then one night he asked me to stay over at his house. I did, and we did make out, and during making out he started to finger me, that was when I realized I didn't Want to do this, that I didn't want to have sexual intercourse with him, quickly I told him to stop, to which he stopped. He made me gave him promises that night. Like for one, he asked me to stay in a relationship with him, to build a family with him, to live with him, to marry him. I promised on them, and when I did he seemed very happy, very pleased. And we went to bed from there, cuddling. Then for the next couple of days he would try to touch my private area, to which I'd fought him off, and he'd get angry. I would say no! That I do not want you to touch me on there again until you propose to me, he'd never propose by the way. I'd stopped giving him benefits, I did not make out with him again, neither did I allowed him to touch my private area ever again. I told him that I want to remain a virgin until I marry, buy he'll get upset, saying that I won't allow him to have his way with me. But from that time he'd finger me, I just didn't want him to touch me there again. Then came the time I had to leave where he was, because I'd gotten a work in another town. The only communication we have was over the phone. We'd talk almost everyday. But the problem was that he'd tell me how much he wants to make love to me....etc. And I'd change the topic. However it took being away from him for months to realize he was manipulating me! I'd stopped calling him, and whenever he'd call me I would ignored him. But it has not been easy for I am in love with him. I've been reflecting a lot, and what my gut feeling is telling me that this guy is only with me for my virginity, and the moment he gets the chance to have sexual intercourse with me, he'll go away! Still I'm scared that I've given away too much of myself already, I let him see me naked, I let him made out with me, kiss me, out his hands on me. So why don't I just give him my virginity then? But my senses came back to, I knew he'd gotten some of his way with me, but the one thing he has not gotten as yet is to have sexual intercourse with me, and when I remind myself of this I feel encouraged. I was so encouraged that I got the strength to send him a break up text. I told him everything in the text, of how much I found out who he really his, a manipulator, that his only intention was to bang me from day one. That he had no good intention concerning me, that how much I'm glad I met him, because he help me to realize my worth, my self respect, that I won't settle for his abusive behavior anymore! He called me many times from after receiving that text, to which I did not answer him. Until one day he called me on another number: I told him that it does not make sense for him to be calling me, that I'm done with him, that I forgive him, that I wish him the best. He however had gotten defensive, asking me why can't he call me anymore, he says that despite my text that he still cares about me, I told him to stop caring, to never call me again. He'd gotten angry then, saying that after he hangs up, he'll delete my number, and that I will never hear from him again..... I won't lie, apart of me wanted to tell him not to delete my number, not to stop calling me, but then I remembered who I was, that I was a virgin saving herself for the right man God design for me.....and so I took a breath, and told him again that I wish him the best, and he interrupted me then, saying that he'll be good, and happy without me, I think he wanted to disrespect me but didn't know how to, because I'd bested him to his own game, and so he hanged up, never to call me again. Did you think that I made the right decision? Did you think that I might have possible chase away the right guy for me? I can't stop thinking about him, sometimes I even have to stop myself from calling him, and to make sure that I'm not tempted to call him, I deleted his number......
You did the right thing!!!!! Hang in there
My boyfriend and o had sex today and I thought it was right after we did it I know it was wrong and now I done know what to do do I stay with him or leave he was the first guy I had sex with since I was raped and now I hate myself and I'm thinking to myself why didn't I say no and I did in a way I told him I was scared and I think he knew I didn't want to do it but he never stop then half way through I know I had to stop it so I stopped and started getting dress and told him I had flashback of being raped and I want to end it but I feel like it's wrong to end it can someone help me I don't know what to do
So before about 2 years ago, my partner had (still has) a drinking problem. We would argue in the evening as he was argumentative, adament he is always right. Complete nightmare. I'd go to bed. He would come through a bit later, creeping. He would be like I'm sorry I love you etc etc. Trying to kiss me, hands wandering all over. I'd say no, not in the mood. He kept promising he would get help and stop drinking. He would end up on top of me really really trying to get what he wanted. Not by force especially but by attempting to be really nice and make me feel special. I didn't. Only being nice after previous arguments to get what he wanted. Anyway I'd try facing my legs to stay shut so no access. How ever he was stronger a bit of force used at this point. I was also tired and pissed off. In the end I gave in so it would end quicker and I could go to sleep. He was always a lot rougher when he was drunk and it would hurt too. Anyway this happened a few times. Then we got our own first home together. Everything was supposed to change then. Bits did bits didn't. We we're happy for a good year in the new house. Into our third year together, second year in the house it started to get bad again. I currently live in a 1 bedroom house with my partner 2 dogs and my 4 year old son 4 nights of the week. Last night I was tired, half way through having my son (he was in bed) it's right next to my bed. The other half was drunk and got into a ramble kept repeating him self. Saying I didn't get him (it's like he has a split personality) I do get it as I live with it daily. I went to bed as I knew I would be up early with my son. He came up stairs eventually and kept kissing me. Not like a good night kiss, kept snogging in a way where he was trying to make me want it. I made it very clear I wasn't in the mood at all. Was tired my son was right there. He was like just kiss me. This type of full on kissing that was very one sided went on for twenty mins. I may as well of had sex cos I would of got to sleep quicker. He got on top of me the usual wandering hands. I said he was winding himself up no means no, respect that. He hasn't bin interested in ages. Even though I had got all dressed up ready a week before, hair, make up, leather black dress... Not even one compliment. Anyway he ended up saying I like it your a challenge. I said no I'm not I'm telling you as it is, you won't win. I have give in to many times. I was so tired, cross with him and my son was asleep right next to me. I managed to push him off of me and he still kept trying from beside. Eventually I got more firm and he quit trying. But he turned nasty. Your not right for me (cos I'm a nag about his drinking even though he begs me to help him) anyway he carried on getting louder didn't wake my son luckily, but he was very cross with me like huh you just wait till you want it next time, never again... Etc etc. This morning I'm still very bothered about trying to help and be their support the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. It would be so much easier and life would be easier if I left, but I didn't want to give up, he wanted to get sober sort him self out, and when he does we would be perfect. But it seems like all words. I have bad depression as it is. Should I start focusing on me and my son and leave the door open for him if he wants to know if he ever sorts him self out. Last night effected me a lot more than the previous times that I gave In. I just don't know if I am moaning over nothing? Please some one comment. Thanks