How to Handle Being Pressured for Sex
What to Say When Someone Is Pressuring You
When someone is pressuring you to move faster or further in a relationship than you want to, you do not have to give in to that pressure. Hopefully, having a clear, honest conversation with your partner will establish boundaries you are comfortable with. For example, you can say something like "I'm not ready to have sex yet. I'm only comfortable hugging, kissing goodnight, and holding hands." If you are waiting until marriage to have sex, let your partner know. A loving response is kind, respectful of your boundaries, and willing to do only what you feel comfortable with when it comes to physical intimacy.
The reason it's so important to be clear about physical boundaries is that not doing so can lead to sexual harassment or assault. Sexual assault happens when someone touches you sexually, or has sex with you, after you have said no. If you did not give consent when your partner had sex with you, or you were unable to consent to intimate touching when it happened, there is support available to understand sexual assault and how to heal from it. If you do feel safe talking about boundaries with your partner, but are unsure how to do it, a counselor or mentor can help you find the right words.
Feeling Pressured to Have Sex in a Dating Relationship Is Common, But Not Acceptable.
In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are being pressured to have sex with their boyfriends. Guys are also pressured to have sex with their girlfriends.
Listen to this call I had with Justin. Justin’s friend asked him for advice. His friend wants to stop having sex with his girlfriend, because it goes against his religious beliefs. But his girlfriend disagrees with him.
Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another.
Many of those who are pressured into having sex give in to it mostly because of the overwhelming fear of losing the person they care about, if they don't agree to have sex. I find that very often people who end up having a sexual relationship are simply doing whatever they think needs to be done to hold on to their bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. But in the process, they lose their self-respect and gain the very real possibility of unwanted pregnancy, diseases, rape, bad reputation, and of course, a broken heart.
Becca has learned this the hard way, "I was recently violated by a guy who I thought was a really great guy, but then he started pressuring me and now I hate him for it. We aren't even talking anymore. If you're a guy and you read this, can you please take this seriously and please respect the girl that you like and please don't violate her! It can really make a big difference in anyone's life."
What Is Consent?
If your boyfriend is pressuring you to have sex, it’s time to talk to him about consent. What is consent? Consent is a fundamental aspect of any healthy and respectful relationship. When you consent to something, you’re essentially agreeing to it, but it goes beyond a simple, one-time “yes.” Consent should be an ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary agreement to participate in any form of intimacy.
If you don’t want to have sex, but you say “yes” because your boyfriend has repeatedly pressured you, that’s not true consent because it wasn’t voluntary or enthusiastic. If you thought you wanted to have sex, but you changed your mind, your consent is no longer ongoing—that “yes” became a “no,” and your partner should respect that at all times.
It may be a terrifying concept to sit your partner down and discuss boundaries, but if you’re feeling pressured, it’s imperative that you communicate. Tell them how you’re feeling. Tell them what is and isn’t acceptable for you right now. For example, “We can kiss and hold hands, but I’m not ready for more than that,” or “We can make out, but I want your hands to stay on top of my clothes, never under them.”
Without a very clearly communicated boundary, it may be that the pressure you’re feeling from your partner is a misunderstanding about where your line is—they may be happy to respect what you ask for once they have more information! If your partner argues with you or pushes back on the boundaries you set, that’s a major red flag you can’t ignore. They don’t respect your right to have ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary consent when it comes to your own body. Are you sure you want to be in an intimate relationship with that person?
And remember, consent goes both ways. If you have the unequivocal right to issue and withdraw consent at any time, so does your partner. Even if you and your partner have had sex before, you have no right to assume that means they want to again, nor do you have a right to express frustration or push back in any way when they tell you “no.” For a healthy relationship to work, there has to be trust. Trust can’t exist when one or both partners feel like they’ll be manipulated into changing their minds or punished when they communicate a clear boundary.
Talk to your partner about consent today, and ask someone for help if you feel your boundaries are being violated.
What Can You Do if You're Feeling Pressured to Have Sex?
If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag. Below are four thoughtful responses to the pressure - both to realize for yourself and to explain to your boyfriend or girlfriend.
1. Know where you stand in your convictions.
Most people with strong values have a clear understanding of what they believe and are far less susceptible to giving in to things they don't want to do.
Do you want to be a person who waits until they are married to have sex? It's important to define for yourself why this is important to you.
Are you aware of the power sex has to arouse deep emotions? Are you willing and able to bear the responsibility of a child?
Without strong convictions, the person you date could push their value system (or lack of!) onto you. Before you start talking to a guy or girl, make sure you know what you believe and why. This will be extremely helpful when you're being pressured.
Juli wrote: "It is easy to give in and say 'yes' but we have to prepare ahead of time so we can say 'no.' If you just wait until the moment, you easily cave in. My boyfriend pressured me so much and I gave in. I wish I hadn't, and I won't again."
2. Talk about your decision to save sex for marriage.
Explain your desire to wait to have sex with your bf/gf. Tell them that it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings or your level of commitment. You like your boyfriend or girlfriend so much that you don't want to ruin a great relationship by having sex. This conversation takes a lot of courage because your pressuring partner may refuse to understand what you are saying. They may take it personally or get mad and walk away. Nonetheless, the person who can talk things out is far happier than those who keep things deeply hidden.
Madison said, "My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him or have sex. I made a promise to God, my mom, and my family that I wouldn't do anything with a guy until I got married. My boyfriend always thinks that the reason I don't want to do things with him is because I don't like him, which is so far from the truth."
If your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision.
3. While waiting, learn what real love is.
The term "love" is one of the most misunderstood and abused words in the dictionary. Sometimes, when a guy says to a girl, "I love you," he is saying, "I don't love you; I love me and what sexual favors you do for me." Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another. Love does not trash someone else's deeply held values.
God is the creator of love and here is how he describes it:
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut,
doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” and doesn’t fly off the handle. (1 Corinthians 13:4-6)
In other words, love is patient and is willing to wait for the right time and the right person. Love always looks after the other person first. Love is never selfish. When a guy loves a girl, he will do everything he can to protect her.
God also created sex as an expression of love between a man and a woman. Sex is a beautiful gift from God when used in the right way.
Mandy wrote: "[When I have sex,] I feel loved and wanted, that's why I give in. Hoping that something will come out of it and it never does. If I can feel wanted, even if it's in a sexual way, I like it, but yet on the other hand, I don't." For the relatively few brief moments she is having sex, Mandy somehow feels loved. But after it's over and she is alone again, those empty words leave her unfulfilled and searching for more. Mandy is confused about what love is.
Someone once said, "Love can always wait to give. Lust can't wait to get."
A lot of guys will say they love their girlfriend and think that if she loved him, she would have sex with him. Either he doesn't know what love is, or he's lying about loving her. It's easy to believe a lie when you want to. It is not easy to face the consequences of believing that lie.
4. Know when to move on.
If the pressure for sex does not let up, get rid of him or her. If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag that something isn't right in your relationship. It is far better for you to lose your relationship than to do something you will later regret.
Alli wrote, "Three days into the "relationship" he started hinting that he wanted to make out with me. Then 6 days into the "relationship" we made out and then he started talking about sex. He tried to pressure me into it. He kept trying to do stuff, and I told him to stop. I didn't give in, but I ended up breaking up with him the next day." Allie is smart. She knows that if your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision. Remember, most pressured relationships are not love, but rather, they are just uncovered needs, fantasy, confusion, and selfishness.
Heather wrote, "[My boyfriend] knew I was insecure and vulnerable. I think that's why he pressured me so much. He made it sound as if it was my obligation."
Some people won't go into a relationship unless they know they will be able to have sex. Be prepared to be rejected. Just remember you won't die, and in the end, the respect you will have for yourself, and the pain avoided, will be well worth it.
The Bottom Line - It's Your Body
You don't ever have to do anything with your body you don't want to do. Sex is not an indicator of love, or even of your level of commitment in a relationship. Sex is not an obligation. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. May God give you a boyfriend or girlfriend who deeply respects you.
Is your relationship healthy? Many do not realize they are in an unhealthy relationship. Ask yourself these questions to find out.
Nice post. I learn something new and challenging
on blogs I stumbleupon every day. It will always be
exciting to read content from other writers and use something
from other websites.
I just dumped a woman who was pressuring me to have sex. It was only our 2nd date, and I made her dinner at my place prior to going out. Well, she didn't want to go out, just wanted to stay in and make out. I told her I would like to know her better before having sex. I only have sex in committed relationships. Well, she gets all upset, accuses me of not liking her and being gay! I asked her to leave and she did. She called me and apologized, and I did set another date because I do like her. Well, the same thing happened. She said real men ALWAYS have sex by the 3rd date and usually on the 1st! I told her I might be old fashioned, but I do not have sex until we know each better and have made a commitment to be exclusive with each other. Well, after insulting me again, I took her home early and left. I told her not to contact me again, and I would not be contacting her. It's been a week and she's blowing up my phone, but I've blocked her and will not go out with her again. Her loss. I would rather be single than betray my values.
Iam in relationship from about 2 1/2 years... I was pressurized to have sex with him for the first time in the name of trust and also said that without getting physically attached i might not take you seriously. In the fear of losing him I've accepted and lost my virginity. After that whenever he asked me i couldn't refuse since i hav already done it. When tried to make excuse he gets mad at me and talks to me in different way like sarcastic way. He takes care of me gives me surprises everything was fine. But he used to control me like whenever he asks me to sleep i should sleep. If i hangout with my own family he starts behaving in different way. At first i thought to change myself to make him happy. But even after making such efforts he always gets mad at me for every thing. When i started questioning him about it he used to fight with me. He scolded me using many bad words n also pointed my character and later tells me that i was in anger and didnt mean any of that. When i question him about that he talks to me in such a way that in the end i feel guilt about it. I always feel that iam cheating my parents. I couldnt take the guilt anymore that i told him about it and asked him to wait till marriage. He got upset and later kept calm. I thought he respected my decision. Then after few days he started asking me again for that and one day indirectly he said that you are being selfish thinking about your parents what about my parents and my feelings. I am not able to control it. I want a girl who can be mine totally i cant live like this.. These are the words he said to me. According to my view getting physical is not everything. It is just an expression. Emotional bonding is much important. He is blaming me now for staying physical for 2 1/2 years and denying it now. Yes I've made a mistake i should have waited till marriage but it took me this ling time to get courage and tell him. He felt cheap for getting rejected and broke up with me now. And also said that he was raised in such a way that he cant change himself now. He left me even after begging him I know that iam being controlled from how to talk to what to talk. Yet i am unable to decide whether to leave him or try to get him back because iam that attached to him. Iam just struck here crying with flashes of our good memories running in my mind. What to do??
Oh no
Hope you’re in a better place now sis ❤️
I was "friends" with this one guy who I felt violated by. One of the first nights I had any alone time with him he continued to touch me and mess with me. I told him over and over again that I wasn't interested and then eventually told him that we should just be friends.
As our "friendship" progressed he would continuously make moves and I feel like I repeated myself so many times. I told him I didn't want him. I stopped talking to him multiple times but then he would kinda stalk me by showing up at where I would be unannounced and then get really upset or curse at me if I told him I was busy or uninterested. I didn't realize it then but I see now that I had fear of him and that really affected the way that I acted.
Whenever I complained about him doing something he'd just get so angry and I eventually got to the point where I wouldn't say certain things because I didn't want to hear his mouth or anything.
He talked about sex way too much and I told him he needed to get it out of his mind because I decided to not have sex ever again until I got married due to being a follower of Christ Jesus. And I constantly told him that we needed to be friends and then I even said that a friendship wouldn't work because he couldn't even respect those boundaries. I feel like I was manipulated and I told him no soooooo many times and I shouldn't have had to repeat myself that much.
There would be days that if we fell sleep in the same room I'd wake up and he would be on me. If he was ever in my room I would open the door and then he'd yell at me and accuse me of thinking he was a bad person who only wanted sex.
I only put up with his BS for two months but I had a lot of regret and even months after this situation, I still see hatred in my heart heart towards him. I used to want to forgive him, but now it's like every memory I recollect brings out the hate inside of me.
I remember asking him once why "guys didn't take girls seriously when they say no or stop," and he was like "well she can say no, but that" I didn't even finish listening because I was so upset. And I told him that he had the mentality of a rapist and he shut me off but didn't get angry as usual.
He ended up apologizing to me later on for "putting me in uncomfortable situations," but I told him he needed to be more specific, because I hated when he touched me and was disgusted by him so often, but sometimes I'd go along with it simply because I was scared to speak up.
I was so angry with myself because guys I'd dealt with like that in the past I shut down quickly, but I should have with him after the first time he was inappropriate but I didn't. I was so mad at myself because I was weak and believed him when he said he'd stop making advances. I know now that I hate him, and I wanted to see a counselor about it because I just feel disrespected and I'm hurt because I know that if he'd even listened the first 5 times I spoke up I wouldn't have experienced such trauma.
I was just in a relationship and without realizing I was pressuring the girl I was with. At the time I had no idea. She didnt even tell me that it was bothering her and kept it to herself. She told me that she did those things only because I wanted too do it when we broke up. I feel horrible for hurting her. I do feel she should of communicated with me better about it but I also feel I should of known. Its eating me alive. Am I bad person.
When that happened to me, I remember the guy at the end of our "relationship" 😒 ask that if he had "moved slower" it could have worked out, and he asked me when I "knew" that it wasn't going to. I told him like within the first month I could tell because I saw we didn't have the same motivation or standards.
He was like "man I'm so stupid... Wow I'm stupid."
And even though I hated him so often for some of the things he did and I felt super disrespected, I remember thinking and truly believing that he wasn't stupid. Yes, I said he was a jerk and entitled and disrespectful and didn't listen. But everyone has reasons behind why they act the way they do, and though it'd be hard for me to believe that he was unaware of how he made me feel even though I told him so many times, I can't say that he's or that you are a worse person than the next, because we all fall short of the glory of God and of perfect holiness. It's just that I feel my pain foremost.
It's good you feel sorry, so you just ought to reconcile yourself with her and then learn to forgive yourself. You can recognize that how you acted offended her and really forsake that way of behaviour and then forgive yourself. Don't allow those thoughts to hover over you and define you.
No it’s alright, happens all the time. Hopefully you guys are on good terms.