You Know They Are Cheating On You, but What Are You Going to Do?
If you have ever uncovered the painful truth that the person you feel you love is cheating on you, you probably asked yourself: What am I supposed to do now? What should my response be to this betrayal? There is no doubt a wide range of confusing emotions flooding through you. All these feelings make it very difficult to make any kind of wise decision on what to do next. So don't react too quickly.
Let's begin with looking at what cheating is and is NOT.
What Is Cheating?
It's important to understand that there are different kinds of behavior people call cheating, some of which is not cheating at all. For example, if someone asks you out just once, and then soon after asks someone else out, that's not cheating. That's simply dating. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with dating around.
On the other hand, if you have been dating that person for a while and you both commit to dating exclusively, and that person dates someone else behind your back, that's cheating. Obviously, if someone says, "Will you be my fiancé?" and you accept, and then they date behind your back, that's cheating. If the person you are dating for some time has sex, or inappropriate sexual behavior with another person, that's cheating.
Four Steps to Protect Yourself:
1. The first thing you need to do is wait. Don't do anything. Let your feelings calm down. Regardless of what you have discovered, there's no need to go around trashing the person who's cheated on you, or even the one he/she did it with. Stay above the betrayal. Don't let the lies and deceit of your bf/gf drag you down into the gutter with them. Keep your deep sense of personal dignity and healthy self-worth. You only make matters worse by acting out of anger and confusion. Don't tell the world you've been violated.
2. Surround yourself with good friends and wise counselors who can help you sort through your emotions and discover what has actually taken place. Get your friends and others you trust to quietly uncover what has been happening behind your back. Usually your friends are the first to know. These people are priceless to you because you can talk through your emotions with them. Left to yourself, you will only get caught in a circle of confusion, hurt, and resentment.
3. Confront your bf/gf in private. Confrontation is never easy, but you will never get to the bottom of what has happened or begin healing until you have talked with your cheating bf/gf. Sometimes you feel like causing a big scene to bring shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.
4. Remember your worth. Do not let yourself fall prey to all the lies that you may be tempted to believe such as, "There must be something wrong with me." "I'm not worthy of real love." "I'll never find a good partner." This is desperate thinking in the moment. While being cheated on hurts to the core...it does not define who YOU are. See yourself as God sees you. He sees you as....Chosen, Accepted, Loved, Beautiful and Significant. Write these messages down and surround yourself with them. Believe the truth.
Tips for Confronting the Cheater
1. It's very important to have a confrontation face-to-face if possible. Body language (facial expressions, etc.) will tell you a lot.
2. Make sure you have the facts before the confrontation. If you try to confront without evidence, you will most likely be lied to or stir up deep resentment in the person you are accusing. The person being confronted often blames you for the very thing he/she has done. This is the kind of experience Kristy had, "I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. It was a break-up/make-up relationship. He would do something wrong, like cheat, and somehow blame it on me; make me feel like it was my fault that he cheated, that somehow, I drove him to it. Then he'd break up with me, and a few days later, we'd get back together."
3. While confronting, deal with the source of the problem, your bf/gf, and don't focus on the person they've cheated with. Sometimes you feel like bringing shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.
4. Try to discover if your cheating bf/gf is truly repentant for what he/she has done. Some people are just sorry because they got caught. It will take time for you to know whether or not your bf/gf is truly sorry for their betrayal of you.
5. Some people when confronted become defensive, belligerent, and angry. That is a good sign they have no intention of ever getting back with you again. See their reaction for what it is. Sometimes it's just better to walk away and stay away.
Should You Save the Relationship?
Deciding whether or not you are going to try and salvage the relationship could be one of the most important decisions you will ever make.
Consider a time-out from your relationship. A time-out will give you a chance to get wise counsel from other people and decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving.
Don't make the mistake of KT, "My ex-boyfriend was a jerk and treated me so badly. He'd call me names and he'd cheat on me and give me the guilt trip saying, I will never find anyone like him or even as good as him cause he is that unique. All my friends told me to leave him. They said a good guy will come along when he comes along, but I didn't listen to my friends, even though they have given me very good advice for two years now. I just didn't listen cause my ex-boyfriend sort of brainwashed me in a way. Now that I understand and accept it, I am doing so much better."
Know it will take time for the relationship to heal, if it ever does. Trust has been shattered and recovering trust takes a long time. If you decide the relationship is salvageable, your cheating bf/gf will have to be patient for you to trust them again. But eventually you will need to forgive them and learn to trust.
The Relationship Can't be Saved. Now What?
If you decide the relationship cannot be healed or mended, take some off from dating to find yourself and allow yourself to become stronger. Some relationships cannot be saved no matter what you do. So don't bring unnecessary drama and needless hurt into your life by not letting go.
Steven said something incredible when he commented, "Everybody has free will and [my girlfriend] had the will to cheat as she pleases, and I can't change that. But I also have free will. The free will to not give her power over me and to move on to lead a productive life. The people who loved me and the ones I loved were counting on me. I dropped my pride and cried out for help."
Know your own self-worth and cry out for the help you need. You are worth it!
If you've just been cheated on and need more help, Check out: He Cheated On You: 6 Things Not To Do.
my bf cheating on me by going out with girls kissing but not sex lol he say he actually trying to know what woman is like and he will never cheat on me meaning sex with someone else cause once you love someone ts hard for another wman to turn him on wit out love 3 times he cheated on me move to another location just hanging out with girls and trying to tell me he did not. what the man take me for i wounder need answer ??? treu? false?
Been with her for 5 years now, 2,5 living together. Help raise her daughter from age 7 now she's 12. I treated her like my own. We did had a rough patch before, but on February she told me she was seeing someone else for quite some time. We had some discussion, she told me that she loves me. After that it was better than ever. Everyday was perfect. Last sunday after nice day on a beach,while in bed she told me that she still thinking about him. I just stood up and left. I crashed at my friend house. We have a lease till March next year, so I was looking for new apartment yesterday, until I found out that she's moving with daughter to his place on this Sunday. And she want to forfeit the apartment. So I guess I'm staying in the apartment 1200sqft included heat gas and water -$750. For Connecticut prices you can't do better. My question is how to deal with all that. I know when I move back in while she be gone how to deal with memories, sadness, and worst part is that I blame myself for it. I still love her and hope that she be back. How to deal with hopeless??
I have been in a relationship with my gf for almost 6 years now. We started online and has been like that for the majority of the time we have been together (5 years) now that we are finally are able to get together for real sometimes she found some conversations (sex talk, flirting and cybersex) that I had with another girl for a whole year in my facebook archives. This all happened on the last day before she had to go back so we are now talking mostly through whatsapp and skype.
Now obviously she felt betrayed and hurt and it hurt me deeply too, to see her like that. I have felt guilty for years but never told her to prevent her from getting hurt. I would rather carry around this burden/weight on my concious with me for the rest of my life instead of seeing her get hurt by it is what I was thinking but I even failed miserably at that.
We are still together and some days are good and some are just hell, at first I thought I deserved it because I hurt her and thought she was saying all of those hurtfull things because she was really emotional and the wound was still fresh.
But it has been a couple of weeks now and it is still the same, one moment she is nice to me and then an hour later she brings it all up again, and says that I am the worst thing to happen to her and that she want to really kill that other girl and that she hates me. Now like I said at first I thought I deserved it but is it really normal for this to go on this long? And am I wrong for taking a stand and say ''enough is enough, I am not gonna bend over and take this abuse anymore''?
Every single time we are at a breaking point she says she loves me, and I still love her so much too and how I can't imagine a future without her. I tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am but she says those are just words.
And even if we seem to be getting better at the end of a whole day of arguing, she just starts it all over again the next day.
I am at a loss, nothing I say or do seems good enough anymore but when I ask her if she wants to break up with me after she says those horrible things then the answer is still no. I just want to move on together with her and I don't want to stop fighting for her.
But when you feel like as if she doesn't even want you to fight for her anymore, I feel it just loses all meaning. And even though I am the one who started this whole mess, I am also the one who has thoughts creeping in of breaking up with her after almost a month of stress and arguing and mental abuse.
I just needed to tell my story somewhere, any advice is welcome and sorry for the long post.
Im in a similar situation. I dated a guy for three years and he's cheated on me multiple times so we took a year break and got back together. Teo days ago I called it off because he did it again. But we constantly argue because yes I bring up the past because it still hurts but I do care and love him. He cries and apologizes but it is a very iffy situation on whether staying or leaving. Right now I am clearing my mind. If you truly believe that you two can somehow get past the past then you should stay with her BUT also remind her that she is not forced to be with you. Although yes it is difficult to walk away. I myself I'm thinking of what I should do. Help him and stay or just continue ignoring him
My husband was always suspicious of me when I was on the phone. He would accuse me of cheating a lot. Told me trust is very important to him. His behavior was extreme so I became more and more convinced he must be doing something to be so paranoid. He told me I could look at his phone because he had nothing to hide. Lo and behold he is liking tons of girl "friends" slutty pictures on instagram. I told him previously it was a problem for me and he assured me it was nothing. Then he accuses me of something because I was on my phone alone in our room. This time I find something from a "friend" who sent bikini pictures and very flirtatious messages. She has a boyfriend. She knew we were engaged. He joked about her being his second woman. Made me feel sick. (He is Brazilian. Is it common for them to be so possessive but prone to cheating themselves?)
He tells me that nothing is going on and I am constantly searching for problems to mess things up. I think I married a narcissist and I feel stuck. I want to give him commitment because that is what I think marriage is about. I have no trust in him. He denies everything. Sees nothing wrong with what he did. I am really hurting. Probably acted out in a way that was not mature but the situation was extreme and I did not know how to handle it. Be wary of people that are so paranoid of you cheating. I knew he had to be up to something. Perhaps nothing physical happened. Emotional cheating is hard as well.
I was moving my girlfriend's phone off the bed the other night when I noticed a reply to a Craigslist ad she posted for Feb and I'm pretty tore up I don't know what I should do next monthwould be four years and we live together how do I confront her