You Know They Are Cheating On You, but What Are You Going to Do?
If you have ever uncovered the painful truth that the person you feel you love is cheating on you, you probably asked yourself: What am I supposed to do now? What should my response be to this betrayal? There is no doubt a wide range of confusing emotions flooding through you. All these feelings make it very difficult to make any kind of wise decision on what to do next. So don't react too quickly.
Let's begin with looking at what cheating is and is NOT.
What Is Cheating?
It's important to understand that there are different kinds of behavior people call cheating, some of which is not cheating at all. For example, if someone asks you out just once, and then soon after asks someone else out, that's not cheating. That's simply dating. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with dating around.
On the other hand, if you have been dating that person for a while and you both commit to dating exclusively, and that person dates someone else behind your back, that's cheating. Obviously, if someone says, "Will you be my fiancé?" and you accept, and then they date behind your back, that's cheating. If the person you are dating for some time has sex, or inappropriate sexual behavior with another person, that's cheating.
Four Steps to Protect Yourself:
1. The first thing you need to do is wait. Don't do anything. Let your feelings calm down. Regardless of what you have discovered, there's no need to go around trashing the person who's cheated on you, or even the one he/she did it with. Stay above the betrayal. Don't let the lies and deceit of your bf/gf drag you down into the gutter with them. Keep your deep sense of personal dignity and healthy self-worth. You only make matters worse by acting out of anger and confusion. Don't tell the world you've been violated.
2. Surround yourself with good friends and wise counselors who can help you sort through your emotions and discover what has actually taken place. Get your friends and others you trust to quietly uncover what has been happening behind your back. Usually your friends are the first to know. These people are priceless to you because you can talk through your emotions with them. Left to yourself, you will only get caught in a circle of confusion, hurt, and resentment.
3. Confront your bf/gf in private. Confrontation is never easy, but you will never get to the bottom of what has happened or begin healing until you have talked with your cheating bf/gf. Sometimes you feel like causing a big scene to bring shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.
4. Remember your worth. Do not let yourself fall prey to all the lies that you may be tempted to believe such as, "There must be something wrong with me." "I'm not worthy of real love." "I'll never find a good partner." This is desperate thinking in the moment. While being cheated on hurts to the core...it does not define who YOU are. See yourself as God sees you. He sees you as....Chosen, Accepted, Loved, Beautiful and Significant. Write these messages down and surround yourself with them. Believe the truth.
Tips for Confronting the Cheater
1. It's very important to have a confrontation face-to-face if possible. Body language (facial expressions, etc.) will tell you a lot.
2. Make sure you have the facts before the confrontation. If you try to confront without evidence, you will most likely be lied to or stir up deep resentment in the person you are accusing. The person being confronted often blames you for the very thing he/she has done. This is the kind of experience Kristy had, "I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. It was a break-up/make-up relationship. He would do something wrong, like cheat, and somehow blame it on me; make me feel like it was my fault that he cheated, that somehow, I drove him to it. Then he'd break up with me, and a few days later, we'd get back together."
3. While confronting, deal with the source of the problem, your bf/gf, and don't focus on the person they've cheated with. Sometimes you feel like bringing shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.
4. Try to discover if your cheating bf/gf is truly repentant for what he/she has done. Some people are just sorry because they got caught. It will take time for you to know whether or not your bf/gf is truly sorry for their betrayal of you.
5. Some people when confronted become defensive, belligerent, and angry. That is a good sign they have no intention of ever getting back with you again. See their reaction for what it is. Sometimes it's just better to walk away and stay away.
Should You Save the Relationship?
Deciding whether or not you are going to try and salvage the relationship could be one of the most important decisions you will ever make.
Consider a time-out from your relationship. A time-out will give you a chance to get wise counsel from other people and decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving.
Don't make the mistake of KT, "My ex-boyfriend was a jerk and treated me so badly. He'd call me names and he'd cheat on me and give me the guilt trip saying, I will never find anyone like him or even as good as him cause he is that unique. All my friends told me to leave him. They said a good guy will come along when he comes along, but I didn't listen to my friends, even though they have given me very good advice for two years now. I just didn't listen cause my ex-boyfriend sort of brainwashed me in a way. Now that I understand and accept it, I am doing so much better."
Know it will take time for the relationship to heal, if it ever does. Trust has been shattered and recovering trust takes a long time. If you decide the relationship is salvageable, your cheating bf/gf will have to be patient for you to trust them again. But eventually you will need to forgive them and learn to trust.
The Relationship Can't be Saved. Now What?
If you decide the relationship cannot be healed or mended, take some off from dating to find yourself and allow yourself to become stronger. Some relationships cannot be saved no matter what you do. So don't bring unnecessary drama and needless hurt into your life by not letting go.
Steven said something incredible when he commented, "Everybody has free will and [my girlfriend] had the will to cheat as she pleases, and I can't change that. But I also have free will. The free will to not give her power over me and to move on to lead a productive life. The people who loved me and the ones I loved were counting on me. I dropped my pride and cried out for help."
Know your own self-worth and cry out for the help you need. You are worth it!
If you've just been cheated on and need more help, Check out: He Cheated On You: 6 Things Not To Do.
My girl cheat on me, few days ago she said she going back to her sister house but turns fthat she going to meet with the guy she cheat with, luckily Her phone left in my car and I drove away and there I saw her chat and i read everything, that how i know she cheating on me. Then I just play her game, but the pain is there, what should I do?
It was really hard for to be cheated on from girl i really loved. most hurting issue was when you face with a past now you know was a lie. Its really hard to trust someone, love her and start to be open with her, and she just love you that loose to break down with smallest daily problems every couple dealing with everyday. She told me i was always at work and she was just making friends!!! and one of these friends... 🙁
She knew my only motivation for work was her, to improve our life. god knows she knew.
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, he's done various things in the past year (messaging girls/saving there numbers/social media names to add later on etc) in August he went on holiday with his dad his cousin and there 2 friends for 5 days, I thought everything was perfect before he left, During the holiday he added a girl from his cousins phone and they obviously began to talk (this was on an app he had swore he never had) and obviously just downloaded it while he was on holiday... I was completely oblivious of this until 1-2 weeks after his return, we was driving in his car and he's music was playing - he got a FaceTime call from a number saved under 'A' and I obviously questioned him he said he didn't know so I accepted the call and to my surprise was a young girl in her bra as soon as she saw me she disconnected the phone. I tried to ring but there was no answer so I text her from his phone saying who is this, she claimed it was the wrong person.. I was going crazy at my boyfriend trying to get the truth from him we finally got to his friends house I tried calling her again the female refused to speak to me and my boyfriend was on the phone to her screaming saying 'who the F are you how dare you lie about me' 'I don't know you, I have a girlfriend' I was crying so much I had to walk away for a breath - but when I walked away he begged her not to tell me I woke up to a message from her the next morning with her telling me everything he had said he told her he wanted 'a serious relationship' and asked for nude photos it honestly crushed me- he had told her she wasn't allowed to save any of his messages she had mentioned to me she found this suspicious- she literally told me all the things he was saying to her and while he was on holiday he was being so nice to me. Earlier in the day before I had found out he had never been more horrible to me, he made me get in his car was driving ridiculously fast telling me my mother and father think I'm a liability and they hate me and I also suffer with depression and had tried once before to commit suicide- he even said that they wouldn't have cared if I did and that no one would care apart from him, as we came to a set of ref lights I tried to get out the car and he grabbed me by my neck, the way he looked at me was not the person I fell in love with, he was so different this day and later in the day is when the female face timed him while we was in the car together, She told me the next day that that day he was begging to meet her but she was busy. This is obviously why he was so evil to me. I don't know what to do because I haven't loved anyone more than him - it's now November and last month I found him watching loads of porn online and texting one of those sex people things, We've argued so much since and I think it's the underlying issue that how much pain he caused me I just can't forgive him I would never be unloyal to who I have made a commitment too- I've tried to leave him quite a few times since and he blackmails me by saying degrading things about my body and that no one would want me, he also says so much that he will 'bait' me and post pictures of me online, he's told me to die after trying to commit suicide and told me no one would care if I did, he is always saying things about my body which I now completely hate, I'm so stuck and I don't know what to do he was everything I would've ever asked for in the first year of our relationship, I don't even know who he is anymore - he says if he can't have me no one can, He's stopped me from seeing all of my friends but 1 and even then I'm not allowed to go out she will have to come to my house, during arguments if I try to defend myself to hurt me he tells me he's cheated on me with 9 girls all are 'so much better' than me, he says I'm a 'bed warmer' and asks me 'how his other girls taste' he does whatever he likes when he likes and I feel he just sees me as his possession now. A number of times when I have tried to leave him he tells me he's going to kill himself he has even cut my name and lots of other things into his legs and sent pictures to me, he's text his mum saying 'you won't see me again and to thank my girlfriend' I honestly don't know what to do I haven't told anyone. I am so stuck and so lost
It sounds like you are in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. All of the manipulation and cheating is a reflection on his character. You may need help leaving him. Do you have someone you can trust and tell about what is happening? We are here for you 24/7 to help you work through a plan of escape and to provide resources. Click the "chat now" button to start the conversation with a HopeCoach.
ok here goes i never done this but any help would be appreciated. In Oct of 2014 my wife passed away at 42 suddenly devastated me, for about 6 months i was very alone so went on dating sites and found a girl i started dating. Way to soon i know now. well to make a long story short after a few months i moved her in with me and things i thought where going ok, by the way by me moving her in it helped her 100 times financially and i pay all the bills and ask her for no financial support at all. So i find out in August after we had a argument a red flag went off to check dating sites and wham there she was on the one we met on, Since February meeting guys behind my back at least 6 to 10. and oh yea she was married 3 times before and never ever talks about her past and gets mad when i ask her to. so i cleared my head and the next day confronted her about it and she said it was my fault i was pushing her away by not getting over my wife. well then i found her on at least 8 more sites and her texts messages where very detailed and she admitted to meeting guys for attention i wasn't giving her blah blah blah. So since then i put my life on hold and have done nothing but work on this relationship trying to move forward and yes i put 99 percent of my baggage down about my wife because i know how i was and it was very hard to let go. After being Married 24 years in a 100% trustful marriage. I linked out FB accounts and said no more hiding her phone and no secretes. Well I'm having a really hard time trusting her again even though she says she's not doing anything. I'm not sure but i think she may be a serial cheater from everything i read. She say she can just shut her mind off and not think of anything like she has no guilt and can act like everything is great. when we talk she always says I'm rehashing what happened. WONDER WHY!! I lost 25 Lbs in 3 weeks over this krap and I'm sick of being sick over it. its been over 2 months now and I'm still trying but i got this bad feeling its just a matter of time before she does it again. there is a lot more i could tell you but i wont bore you. any thoughts or advice would be great. Thanks.
i had a perfect relationship of 3 & half years and then she went to calcutta for her studies and i was all alone i felt like i was left out and after few months she started to ignore me she blocked me in instagram, whatsapp and even put my phone no in reject list then all of sudden a guy txted me saying stop calling his gf i was mad but the fact was that guy was from the same college where my gf was studying iam feeling so down right now and i dont know what to do???