You Know They Are Cheating On You, but What Are You Going to Do?
If you have ever uncovered the painful truth that the person you feel you love is cheating on you, you probably asked yourself: What am I supposed to do now? What should my response be to this betrayal? There is no doubt a wide range of confusing emotions flooding through you. All these feelings make it very difficult to make any kind of wise decision on what to do next. So don't react too quickly.
Let's begin with looking at what cheating is and is NOT.
What Is Cheating?
It's important to understand that there are different kinds of behavior people call cheating, some of which is not cheating at all. For example, if someone asks you out just once, and then soon after asks someone else out, that's not cheating. That's simply dating. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with dating around.
On the other hand, if you have been dating that person for a while and you both commit to dating exclusively, and that person dates someone else behind your back, that's cheating. Obviously, if someone says, "Will you be my fiancé?" and you accept, and then they date behind your back, that's cheating. If the person you are dating for some time has sex, or inappropriate sexual behavior with another person, that's cheating.
Four Steps to Protect Yourself:
1. The first thing you need to do is wait. Don't do anything. Let your feelings calm down. Regardless of what you have discovered, there's no need to go around trashing the person who's cheated on you, or even the one he/she did it with. Stay above the betrayal. Don't let the lies and deceit of your bf/gf drag you down into the gutter with them. Keep your deep sense of personal dignity and healthy self-worth. You only make matters worse by acting out of anger and confusion. Don't tell the world you've been violated.
2. Surround yourself with good friends and wise counselors who can help you sort through your emotions and discover what has actually taken place. Get your friends and others you trust to quietly uncover what has been happening behind your back. Usually your friends are the first to know. These people are priceless to you because you can talk through your emotions with them. Left to yourself, you will only get caught in a circle of confusion, hurt, and resentment.
3. Confront your bf/gf in private. Confrontation is never easy, but you will never get to the bottom of what has happened or begin healing until you have talked with your cheating bf/gf. Sometimes you feel like causing a big scene to bring shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.
4. Remember your worth. Do not let yourself fall prey to all the lies that you may be tempted to believe such as, "There must be something wrong with me." "I'm not worthy of real love." "I'll never find a good partner." This is desperate thinking in the moment. While being cheated on hurts to the core...it does not define who YOU are. See yourself as God sees you. He sees you as....Chosen, Accepted, Loved, Beautiful and Significant. Write these messages down and surround yourself with them. Believe the truth.
Tips for Confronting the Cheater
1. It's very important to have a confrontation face-to-face if possible. Body language (facial expressions, etc.) will tell you a lot.
2. Make sure you have the facts before the confrontation. If you try to confront without evidence, you will most likely be lied to or stir up deep resentment in the person you are accusing. The person being confronted often blames you for the very thing he/she has done. This is the kind of experience Kristy had, "I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. It was a break-up/make-up relationship. He would do something wrong, like cheat, and somehow blame it on me; make me feel like it was my fault that he cheated, that somehow, I drove him to it. Then he'd break up with me, and a few days later, we'd get back together."
3. While confronting, deal with the source of the problem, your bf/gf, and don't focus on the person they've cheated with. Sometimes you feel like bringing shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.
4. Try to discover if your cheating bf/gf is truly repentant for what he/she has done. Some people are just sorry because they got caught. It will take time for you to know whether or not your bf/gf is truly sorry for their betrayal of you.
5. Some people when confronted become defensive, belligerent, and angry. That is a good sign they have no intention of ever getting back with you again. See their reaction for what it is. Sometimes it's just better to walk away and stay away.
Should You Save the Relationship?
Deciding whether or not you are going to try and salvage the relationship could be one of the most important decisions you will ever make.
Consider a time-out from your relationship. A time-out will give you a chance to get wise counsel from other people and decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving.
Don't make the mistake of KT, "My ex-boyfriend was a jerk and treated me so badly. He'd call me names and he'd cheat on me and give me the guilt trip saying, I will never find anyone like him or even as good as him cause he is that unique. All my friends told me to leave him. They said a good guy will come along when he comes along, but I didn't listen to my friends, even though they have given me very good advice for two years now. I just didn't listen cause my ex-boyfriend sort of brainwashed me in a way. Now that I understand and accept it, I am doing so much better."
Know it will take time for the relationship to heal, if it ever does. Trust has been shattered and recovering trust takes a long time. If you decide the relationship is salvageable, your cheating bf/gf will have to be patient for you to trust them again. But eventually you will need to forgive them and learn to trust.
The Relationship Can't be Saved. Now What?
If you decide the relationship cannot be healed or mended, take some off from dating to find yourself and allow yourself to become stronger. Some relationships cannot be saved no matter what you do. So don't bring unnecessary drama and needless hurt into your life by not letting go.
Steven said something incredible when he commented, "Everybody has free will and [my girlfriend] had the will to cheat as she pleases, and I can't change that. But I also have free will. The free will to not give her power over me and to move on to lead a productive life. The people who loved me and the ones I loved were counting on me. I dropped my pride and cried out for help."
Know your own self-worth and cry out for the help you need. You are worth it!
If you've just been cheated on and need more help, Check out: He Cheated On You: 6 Things Not To Do.
I just found out via nanny cam that my live in GF of 5 years is sleeping with someone in my house while I am out of state taking care of my mom in the hospital. I called several times earlier but it went to VM and I thought that was weird given the circumstance with my mom. I eventually checked the nanny cam (she doesn't know about it) and am in a state shock and outrage. I clearly saw them making out, clothing on the floor and them having sex on the living room sofa. Just a bit ago she called me and left a VM that said she had fallen asleep. I don't really know what to do and I'm not returning home for another 6 days. I pay for everything.. her phone, her car, her health insurance, all our meals and trips. I feel so used and angry. I'm sitting here in the middle of the night in my mom's hospital room full of flip flopping emotions and I just don't know what to do.
I am out of town now for three weeks and going back this weekend. I found my girlfriends phone in the bag that I packed (the bag was hers that she let me borrow). It had her phone in it with messenger logged in. Then it beeped and her ex's face popped up in chat heads. We have been dating for five years and I knew that she was still at least in contact with her ex.
I open the message and see that they are in the middle of a sexting chat. I spent hours reading all of their previous messages and they have been doing this for two years now.
I am devastated, what should I do?
Dude that is horrible. Drop her you're s good boyfriend from what I've ready you put 110% into your relationship and by her cheating after you do all that is disrespect in the worst way. Leave her. She'll realise what she had when you're gone you deserve better bro.
Howdy, my story.
Ive been with my significant other for almost five years. We were engaged for a year now and the wedding planned for June 2016. Wet just moved, I had back to back family reunions, I have a hay field, and I manage an electrical contracting business. I had multiple jobs open and a lot of stress. Between the rush to move, work, visit family, cut/bale/pick up hay /get water back on these field, our relationship took a back seat for a about a month.
She cheated on her previous ex bit that was high school, she also was going through very hard circumstances with her family and never knew a good side to a relationship until she met me. when we got together she asked if I believed "one a cheater always a cheater" which I told her no as I'm a very old fashioned guy, and I highly value loyalty and commitment, and I knew if she was the one,I would show her the good side.
Two days ago, she admits to cheating. One night stand, she just found a new friend(female) and went to her house to hang out and have drinks. Which ive always not minded my fiance going out and drinking before, because I've always trusted her.
But The one time of my life that I'm stressed out to the max, and stuff gets piled up faster than I can tackle it, she cheats. Goes and sleeps with a guy. Now i can't get the image of another guy touching her out of my head. As if it's a video I've seen 100 times.
If what to do. I've spent the last 3.5 years building up a household so we wouldn't have to once we're married and have kids, preparing for a long future with this woman, and I'm so crushed, confused, angry, embarrassed, and lost I've been a zombie ever since.
She is my best friend, my lover, and they woman I planned spending the rest of my life with. But I'm so hurt,I don't even want to try and pick up the pieces and try again, but it took so much of my ability to not want to sleep in the same bed with her and hold her.
Every relationships has its ups and downs, but when it seems as if she's not strong enough to push through the hard times, is it worth saving? I can tell she feels terrible, and wants to start over, but by just staying over, she doesn't really learn a lesson.
I just need some kind of encouragement of direction. As I'm the person everyone I know comes to for advice and direction. I don't know where to turn to, or what advice to give myself as I'm emotionally compromised.
If you really do want to go back to her and work things out just know things aren't going to be the exact same, and trust is a hard thing to gain back and its going to take time. Honestly, she cheated on you, and you weren't good enough for her to not do it. she might say i didn't mean to, but she knew what she was doing. She just didn't care.
Raj,
Our chat system can translate many languages. Please chat with a HopeCoach about what is going on with you ex. We are here to listen and help. http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp.
My English is not very good...
Hi my name is Raj. I was with her 2 and half years. I cheated on her and lie to her many time. She helped me in the business. When i was getting success in my business i was start contacting my another passed ex girlfriend to show her i have money now when i was with u i had nothing. Sometimes i go and see her.
After that i met someone else i was seen her behind my girlfriend back almost one year.
8 week before my girlfriend find out lot of stuff. She found out the pictures of girl and my passed ex She told me leave my house.
I was beginning her take me back. I wrote her name with knife on my hand to prove her i love only u. She took me back i was with her 6 weeks.
I want to tell her everything but scared to tell her may be lose her for ever.
But After that she found her self out bigger picture of my lies and on face book my ex find the girl i was with her one year. Both told each other he is my boyfriend another say is my boyfriend. I was spending money on the girl, take her out for shopping, restaurants, paying for her flat rent lots of stuff...
One week before she kicked me out again try to calls, texts, nothing is working. Try to help her financial she took the money but she says pay her rent the girl i was cheated with.
After that one of my friend advise don't contact her. Yesterday i saw ur add i contact u and l following ur advise.
Please help me i really love her she is my life i done lots of mistakes i hurt her a lot.
Now more than 50 days i contacted her... she said i have a new boyfriend and she block my phone number.
Please give me ur contact telephone number.
Please please please help me out.
Raj
Me n my bf almost 3 yrs in love .but now he saying that he don't need me anymore.i think he have another lover..wht should I do.i don't know..I love him alot .now adays i crying n mad .should I make new bf to make him jealous?plz help me.😢
Hi im so sorry to hear that.Some guys have no idea how to treat a lady &i believe you are most probably too good for him anyway,even though it makes you feel worthless you definatley are not.Who does the cheating usually has a very large ego & loves himself more than others so my question to you is can you love yourself more than him & give your love only to the men that truly deserve it,because everyones heart & love is precious& is not to be stepped on. Xx