You Know They Are Cheating On You, but What Are You Going to Do?
If you have ever uncovered the painful truth that the person you feel you love is cheating on you, you probably asked yourself: What am I supposed to do now? What should my response be to this betrayal? There is no doubt a wide range of confusing emotions flooding through you. All these feelings make it very difficult to make any kind of wise decision on what to do next. So don't react too quickly.
Let's begin with looking at what cheating is and is NOT.
What Is Cheating?
It's important to understand that there are different kinds of behavior people call cheating, some of which is not cheating at all. For example, if someone asks you out just once, and then soon after asks someone else out, that's not cheating. That's simply dating. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with dating around.
On the other hand, if you have been dating that person for a while and you both commit to dating exclusively, and that person dates someone else behind your back, that's cheating. Obviously, if someone says, "Will you be my fiancé?" and you accept, and then they date behind your back, that's cheating. If the person you are dating for some time has sex, or inappropriate sexual behavior with another person, that's cheating.
Four Steps to Protect Yourself:
1. The first thing you need to do is wait. Don't do anything. Let your feelings calm down. Regardless of what you have discovered, there's no need to go around trashing the person who's cheated on you, or even the one he/she did it with. Stay above the betrayal. Don't let the lies and deceit of your bf/gf drag you down into the gutter with them. Keep your deep sense of personal dignity and healthy self-worth. You only make matters worse by acting out of anger and confusion. Don't tell the world you've been violated.
2. Surround yourself with good friends and wise counselors who can help you sort through your emotions and discover what has actually taken place. Get your friends and others you trust to quietly uncover what has been happening behind your back. Usually your friends are the first to know. These people are priceless to you because you can talk through your emotions with them. Left to yourself, you will only get caught in a circle of confusion, hurt, and resentment.
3. Confront your bf/gf in private. Confrontation is never easy, but you will never get to the bottom of what has happened or begin healing until you have talked with your cheating bf/gf. Sometimes you feel like causing a big scene to bring shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.
4. Remember your worth. Do not let yourself fall prey to all the lies that you may be tempted to believe such as, "There must be something wrong with me." "I'm not worthy of real love." "I'll never find a good partner." This is desperate thinking in the moment. While being cheated on hurts to the core...it does not define who YOU are. See yourself as God sees you. He sees you as....Chosen, Accepted, Loved, Beautiful and Significant. Write these messages down and surround yourself with them. Believe the truth.
Tips for Confronting the Cheater
1. It's very important to have a confrontation face-to-face if possible. Body language (facial expressions, etc.) will tell you a lot.
2. Make sure you have the facts before the confrontation. If you try to confront without evidence, you will most likely be lied to or stir up deep resentment in the person you are accusing. The person being confronted often blames you for the very thing he/she has done. This is the kind of experience Kristy had, "I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. It was a break-up/make-up relationship. He would do something wrong, like cheat, and somehow blame it on me; make me feel like it was my fault that he cheated, that somehow, I drove him to it. Then he'd break up with me, and a few days later, we'd get back together."
3. While confronting, deal with the source of the problem, your bf/gf, and don't focus on the person they've cheated with. Sometimes you feel like bringing shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.
4. Try to discover if your cheating bf/gf is truly repentant for what he/she has done. Some people are just sorry because they got caught. It will take time for you to know whether or not your bf/gf is truly sorry for their betrayal of you.
5. Some people when confronted become defensive, belligerent, and angry. That is a good sign they have no intention of ever getting back with you again. See their reaction for what it is. Sometimes it's just better to walk away and stay away.
Should You Save the Relationship?
Deciding whether or not you are going to try and salvage the relationship could be one of the most important decisions you will ever make.
Consider a time-out from your relationship. A time-out will give you a chance to get wise counsel from other people and decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving.
Don't make the mistake of KT, "My ex-boyfriend was a jerk and treated me so badly. He'd call me names and he'd cheat on me and give me the guilt trip saying, I will never find anyone like him or even as good as him cause he is that unique. All my friends told me to leave him. They said a good guy will come along when he comes along, but I didn't listen to my friends, even though they have given me very good advice for two years now. I just didn't listen cause my ex-boyfriend sort of brainwashed me in a way. Now that I understand and accept it, I am doing so much better."
Know it will take time for the relationship to heal, if it ever does. Trust has been shattered and recovering trust takes a long time. If you decide the relationship is salvageable, your cheating bf/gf will have to be patient for you to trust them again. But eventually you will need to forgive them and learn to trust.
The Relationship Can't be Saved. Now What?
If you decide the relationship cannot be healed or mended, take some off from dating to find yourself and allow yourself to become stronger. Some relationships cannot be saved no matter what you do. So don't bring unnecessary drama and needless hurt into your life by not letting go.
Steven said something incredible when he commented, "Everybody has free will and [my girlfriend] had the will to cheat as she pleases, and I can't change that. But I also have free will. The free will to not give her power over me and to move on to lead a productive life. The people who loved me and the ones I loved were counting on me. I dropped my pride and cried out for help."
Know your own self-worth and cry out for the help you need. You are worth it!
If you've just been cheated on and need more help, Check out: He Cheated On You: 6 Things Not To Do.
So my lady for over a year now had sex with another man twice, without protection. She confessed two days after saying she felt awful that she was seduced and that she can't bare what she did she loves me and wants to be with me. She got a rash and burning pee sent to the dr. I noticed she seemed angry with me I thought she was losing respect for me for staying with her she said no she is just so angry with her self and lashes out. I've made up my mind and stayed with her then she missed a period.... She took test and they were negative ultra sound negative and then she started bleeding for like a week but said it didn't feel like a period now she has a little belly Monday we're going to the dr and get another ultrasound the stress is really eating at me and she is scared of pid and honest I don't want her to hurt or wish anything bad on her womb but is it right for me to stay with her ?
Look, if she's gonna cheat she threw so many signs your way. Chances are you will and have missed them completely.
I've had a girl cheat on me once, it was absolutely humiliating but I knew it was coming eventually. just glad we weren't that serious at the time... anyway took it as a priority and started taking responsibility for my life.
I have been dating this girl and I went to see family for a week and she texts me that she was unfaithful in our relationship and that she kissed another guy. I was enraged but I didn't let her she it. I love her so much and I would do anything to make it work between us. She says she is really sorry and that she needs time to gather herself, I am worried so bad. She said that wile she gathers herself we aren't dating and that she wants me to be there for her when she is ready, but I might just be assuming the worst but I think this whole "gathering myself" thing is her trying to get with the other guy, because we aren't dating and it won't be cheating and she wants to come back to me when it doesn't work out. I love her so much and I would do anything for her. I need her in my life and I need help. What should I do?
I used to live in US with my Bf till I came back to my country and I find out I couldn't go back, we are having a long distance relationship now. Our relationship has deteriorated and although that we decided to work things out to stay together. I love him and I know he loves me and this whole situation is very difficult for both us. But I just found out he invited someone to spend new years at his party at home, the girl knows he has a gf and she even asked If I wouldn't mind, where he replied, no, she wouldn't. He even invited her to stayed at his house! (she lives outside town) Is obviously if she goes, something will happen between them, they were already flirting to each other before he met me. I don't know what to do, I just know I would forgive if he cheats on me, I will just break up. But I don't know if I can consider this as a cheat or know, I dont know if I should confront him or wait till happen. I just feel heart broken and that this might be the end. Help pls.
My boyfriend that I've been with not even a full year yet,cheated on me and I'm not sure if I should even define it as true cheating or if I'm just mad jealous or crazy or something and making drama out of nothing...I am very sensitive and a huge drama queen...But my boyfriend 'cheated' on me by trying to sext a girl he cheated on his ex with about 2 years ago.my boyfriend and I kinda went into a bad path before he cheated because my boyfriend introduced the idea of me sexting other guys as a sexual link for us I guess.One night I had offended my boyfriend and hurt him really bad and sexted another guy (with my boyfriends approval!!! I never sexted in secret! Ever!) He let me do what I wanted without putting his foot down and telling me it hurt him what I was doing.So feelings got hurt and I learned he was really upset after all that.I Tried to apologize to him and then I have him space(thinking he'd come around and tell me how he felt later) and then 2 days after I found out that he cheated.Him and his mistress has known each other for 4 years.He tells me that he hasn't been talking to her at all in our relationship but I recently found out that before the sexting incident (which didn't even go anywhere because I found out 2 days after and plus for some reason she didn't want to budge with sexting him back) he had talked to her to 'catch up' with her on kik.Knowing him,I know he must've flirted with her I just know it no matter how many times he Denys it.How are you not gonna flirt with the girl you sexted and got off to for 4 years? She lives in another country but my boyfriend and I live in America.We are long distance and I only live a state down so he claims that he doesn't care about her and doesn't even want to be in a relationship with her because of the distance.But for some reason I don't believe that he doesn't care about her because he purposely hid her from me and never even bothered to kick her out of his life when he had so many perfect opportunities to do so.I asked him countless times if he had any girls from his past that he had 'online relations' with and was still in contact with them.He lied and told me no.Im extremely angry and I feel so betrayed and I told him countless times before all this happened that if he cheats I'm gone.And here I am.Staying with a cheater and I can tell you now that I feel destroyed.Completely destroyed.I sob about this bs almost every night.But point of this is that I don't know if I should stay with him.Ive tried to break up with him countless times throughout the month but he keeps begging for me to stay.He even quit his job and started working at a job that I always wanted him to work at because it was more stable.He's changing for me and when I cry and have my episodes about his cheating,randomly,he's always there to comfort me.Every time I left him he begged and begged and begged for me to
Come back..Like he cried for me countless times...he says he's changing for me and he wants to be 'better' for me.He was always there for me when I needed him most.So I don't know if I should stay or just leave..I don't know what to do!!!!!! Please help! This situation has really gotten to me and I've been extremely depressed and confused about this!!!!