You Know They Are Cheating On You, but What Are You Going to Do?
If you have ever uncovered the painful truth that the person you feel you love is cheating on you, you probably asked yourself: What am I supposed to do now? What should my response be to this betrayal? There is no doubt a wide range of confusing emotions flooding through you. All these feelings make it very difficult to make any kind of wise decision on what to do next. So don't react too quickly.
Let's begin with looking at what cheating is and is NOT.
What Is Cheating?
It's important to understand that there are different kinds of behavior people call cheating, some of which is not cheating at all. For example, if someone asks you out just once, and then soon after asks someone else out, that's not cheating. That's simply dating. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with dating around.
On the other hand, if you have been dating that person for a while and you both commit to dating exclusively, and that person dates someone else behind your back, that's cheating. Obviously, if someone says, "Will you be my fiancé?" and you accept, and then they date behind your back, that's cheating. If the person you are dating for some time has sex, or inappropriate sexual behavior with another person, that's cheating.
Four Steps to Protect Yourself:
1. The first thing you need to do is wait. Don't do anything. Let your feelings calm down. Regardless of what you have discovered, there's no need to go around trashing the person who's cheated on you, or even the one he/she did it with. Stay above the betrayal. Don't let the lies and deceit of your bf/gf drag you down into the gutter with them. Keep your deep sense of personal dignity and healthy self-worth. You only make matters worse by acting out of anger and confusion. Don't tell the world you've been violated.
2. Surround yourself with good friends and wise counselors who can help you sort through your emotions and discover what has actually taken place. Get your friends and others you trust to quietly uncover what has been happening behind your back. Usually your friends are the first to know. These people are priceless to you because you can talk through your emotions with them. Left to yourself, you will only get caught in a circle of confusion, hurt, and resentment.
3. Confront your bf/gf in private. Confrontation is never easy, but you will never get to the bottom of what has happened or begin healing until you have talked with your cheating bf/gf. Sometimes you feel like causing a big scene to bring shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.
4. Remember your worth. Do not let yourself fall prey to all the lies that you may be tempted to believe such as, "There must be something wrong with me." "I'm not worthy of real love." "I'll never find a good partner." This is desperate thinking in the moment. While being cheated on hurts to the core...it does not define who YOU are. See yourself as God sees you. He sees you as....Chosen, Accepted, Loved, Beautiful and Significant. Write these messages down and surround yourself with them. Believe the truth.
Tips for Confronting the Cheater
1. It's very important to have a confrontation face-to-face if possible. Body language (facial expressions, etc.) will tell you a lot.
2. Make sure you have the facts before the confrontation. If you try to confront without evidence, you will most likely be lied to or stir up deep resentment in the person you are accusing. The person being confronted often blames you for the very thing he/she has done. This is the kind of experience Kristy had, "I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. It was a break-up/make-up relationship. He would do something wrong, like cheat, and somehow blame it on me; make me feel like it was my fault that he cheated, that somehow, I drove him to it. Then he'd break up with me, and a few days later, we'd get back together."
3. While confronting, deal with the source of the problem, your bf/gf, and don't focus on the person they've cheated with. Sometimes you feel like bringing shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.
4. Try to discover if your cheating bf/gf is truly repentant for what he/she has done. Some people are just sorry because they got caught. It will take time for you to know whether or not your bf/gf is truly sorry for their betrayal of you.
5. Some people when confronted become defensive, belligerent, and angry. That is a good sign they have no intention of ever getting back with you again. See their reaction for what it is. Sometimes it's just better to walk away and stay away.
Should You Save the Relationship?
Deciding whether or not you are going to try and salvage the relationship could be one of the most important decisions you will ever make.
Consider a time-out from your relationship. A time-out will give you a chance to get wise counsel from other people and decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving.
Don't make the mistake of KT, "My ex-boyfriend was a jerk and treated me so badly. He'd call me names and he'd cheat on me and give me the guilt trip saying, I will never find anyone like him or even as good as him cause he is that unique. All my friends told me to leave him. They said a good guy will come along when he comes along, but I didn't listen to my friends, even though they have given me very good advice for two years now. I just didn't listen cause my ex-boyfriend sort of brainwashed me in a way. Now that I understand and accept it, I am doing so much better."
Know it will take time for the relationship to heal, if it ever does. Trust has been shattered and recovering trust takes a long time. If you decide the relationship is salvageable, your cheating bf/gf will have to be patient for you to trust them again. But eventually you will need to forgive them and learn to trust.
The Relationship Can't be Saved. Now What?
If you decide the relationship cannot be healed or mended, take some off from dating to find yourself and allow yourself to become stronger. Some relationships cannot be saved no matter what you do. So don't bring unnecessary drama and needless hurt into your life by not letting go.
Steven said something incredible when he commented, "Everybody has free will and [my girlfriend] had the will to cheat as she pleases, and I can't change that. But I also have free will. The free will to not give her power over me and to move on to lead a productive life. The people who loved me and the ones I loved were counting on me. I dropped my pride and cried out for help."
Know your own self-worth and cry out for the help you need. You are worth it!
If you've just been cheated on and need more help, Check out: He Cheated On You: 6 Things Not To Do.
My girlfriend of 6 months, cheated on me with another girl. At first she lied about it then i finally sat her down and told her i knew and her face went blank. She told this girl she was in love with her and that our relationship wasnt gonna last much longer anyways. I read messages between her and this girl and heard them talking about it. We almost broke up, and everyone says that i should break up with her, but i love her so much. What should i do? Help!!
I am in the same situation right now. I think my gf is pregnant and has ran away from me and all family and is staying with her toxic friends.. that being said she is being controlled and doing hard drugs..... and of course cheating on me... now I know this is clearly over but I'm worried about my future child.... please help me someone......
My girlfriend and I been together for 3years we have 2kids together, I deeply feel like she is cheating on me, she have this one guy on every one her social media, she always liking every single one of his pictures, I asked her if there is anything going on between them she denied it. I know for a fact that they always snapchating each other. I asked my girlfriend to delete him of her social medias she refused. I really don't know what to do. I love her so much. I just wish she can really prove it to me that she doesn't have anything going on with that guy, but every time I bring it up she get mad.
I'm fear of losing her.
The guy also in a relationship with someone else.
Was going with my girlfriend for about 6 months and we were very close, spent christmas with her family etc. Then on New Years Eve, she went out with her friends and i went out with my friends, to the same nightclub. I hardly seen her the whole night but knew she was very drunk, i saw her in the corner of the club kissing her ex boyfriend. I was upset, not annoyed. She said she was really sorry and that she can hardly remember doing it, so i forgave her and we were fine a week later.
Then, for my birthday, I went on holiday to New York with my parents for a week, which meant that i was also away on valentines night. She was going out to a nightclub again that weekend, and some of my friends were also out that night. As i was lying in my room in New York, there were snapchats appearing in her story of her and a different ex boyfriend (whom i happen to be friends with), and it was clear that they were both drunk as the photos were blurred. My friends then texted me saying that my gf and her ex spent the whole night together and they were outside the nightclub holding hands and getting on, and they suggested that i 'get rid of her'. The next morning, i asked the ex bf if he kissed her and he said that he can't remember. Knowing the guy as much as i do, i knew that he had kissed her, so i said about it all to my gf, in a non accusatory tone, and she gave me the whole 'can i not talk to my friends?' speech, and then said how if there is no trust there is no relationship and we broke up. She maintains that she didn't do anything wrong and has fallen out with me.
She has texted me a few times saying 'Just believe what you want' and 'you just make me out to be a big liar' etc, to which i haven't replied.
I just want to know the best way to react to the whole situation? I know that i will see her out and about in town or whatever, and i don't want to be bitter about the whole situation. So what i am asking is how should i react if i see her? Should i say hi to her or ignore her? Should i make the conversation as brief as possible or should i ask how she is going etc?
On a side note: My friends (both boys and girls) extremely dislike her because of new years eve and valentines and because she often didn't act like she was in a relationship. I am here because i need an unbiased opinion.
I guess you should act in an intelligent way where if you happen to see her around you can maybe greet her but not with the expectations or feeling that she will realize her mistakes or whatever it is, but for the feeling that you know to yourself that you are a mature person and you know to yourself that you didn't do anything wrong with her while you were in relationship. She wioo feel ashamed for herself if she felt that you're mature enough to understand that of what she did was kind of an immature, irresponsible act towards you're relationship. Some people really aren't mature enough to handle a relationship.
Not sure why I'm posting here maybe because I don't know what to do or how to deal with it. I've been dating this girl crazy about her down everything and anything I can for her. Recent I've had concerns about her relationship with this guy she says they are just friends. But she got me to reset her old phone and in doing so I seen their conversation, I moved to the area I live to be with her well it turns out the messages on her phone went back to 3 weeks before I moved all the way untill recent, I don't think they have had sex since I been here but they have been texting and picture exchanging, and she had told him some lie about me that I'm an old friend who was her college roommate. She proceeds to talk to him I've confronted her she just tells me there's nothing going on etc. She then started erasing all her texts. I knew having evidence was something I shoulddo if I wanted to get the truth and possibly work it out with her I truly want to be with this girl. I'm not sure how to confront her about this all anymore I want her to be honest and own up to what she did I have picture of every text theu sent from before I came untill She started erasing texts. What should I do... I'm killing myself wanting to be with her and wanting her to be honest wanting to be worth it to her.
I love how the author's first advice is not to tell anyone. Keeping your partner's infidelity secret only helps them maintain a veneer of normality and hurts you instead. What garbage.
I am sorry you misunderstood Dawson's advice. Part one is about protecting your own self-worth and Dawson suggests finding people you can trust to talk to about what happened, "Surround yourself with good friends and wise counselors who can help you sort through your emotions and discover what has actually taken place." HopeCoaches are available on chat 24/7.