My Experience With Depression and Suicide

I Thought My Brain Was Broken

I hope I haven't always been, but ever since I was little, I used to think there was always something telling me I was worthless and ugly; I thought my brain was broken. When I grew up my brother was going through a hard time, and he took it out on me by hitting me very hard. He would call me fat, ugly, worthless, terrible; it shaped how I still think of myself to this day. Since he was seven years older than me, and I was very young it affected me badly.

My mother and father would ignore me when I was angry or upset. I became older and it seemed like the world was crashing down on me. I hated my life so badly, but I also hated that I was ungrateful; I knew others were in worst positions than me, so I shoved my feelings down. Occasionally I would just lie on my floor, barely able to breathe, so angry and miserable that I would cry for long periods of time, staring in the mirror and hating myself.

Releasing Pain from My Body

I remember when I started to self-harm; the way it stung right before it bled made me feel better. It was like I was releasing pain from my body. When my mother found out about it, she hit me and screamed. I started to cut myself around my ribs and on my side to hide the marks, I couldn't stop.

During this time, I made a lot of friends who made me behave badly. I started to become very sexual, thinking that if boys wanted me, it meant I was beautiful. I was too young to think like this, but my best friend was doing it, so I decided to. I did things I regret so much that I still stay up thinking about them. I worry that more people will find out, and I actually fear that I will be in a lot of trouble, not just with my family.

I Wrote Suicide Notes

Somehow, I felt like someone was taking over my body and making me hate myself and helping me make bad decisions. I started therapy and I hated it, at first. I felt too vulnerable, like I wasn't strong, and I was so mentally unstable that I deserved to be in an institution. I realize I was wrong now; I was very strong. I cried a lot and got very angry at myself when I did, I learned later that this was because my parents have shamed me for crying growing up. My therapist seemed threatening to me, and I never fully got comfortable.  The lowest point was when I wrote suicide notes.

"I thought that I was meant to be the girl who killed herself, I didn't think I had a future." 
I started to take medicine for my depression, and it helped. Fighting with my parents became worse, and I was still making horrible decisions with boys at such a young age. My mother made me feel worthless, my father ignored me when she would strike me.

I'm Learning How to Cope

Eventually, the sadness ebbed away, my irritability started to lessen, I ignored my bad temptations. I was still depressed but I could handle it. After many different medicines and large upward and downward spikes in my mental health, I became stable. I got closer with friends, I stayed away from relationships until I loved myself, I stopped wanting to cut. My story is not very well written because I am still ashamed and will not write out the details. I want the readers to know that I am still struggling, that every day is a battle, but I learned how to cope. This is not exactly a happy ending, since I am lonely and still being bullied and harassed for my old behavior. Life doesn't give you happy endings, but you can make the best of it.  Having a mental illness is not a bad thing, and if you have one, you're allowed to feel and exist, you are not a burden.

There is hope!

-Elanor

A Message from TheHopeLine: 

Life is hard and you don't have to go through it alone. You are not a burden, and you deserve to be heard and understood. TheHopeLine is here to help you by offering sound advice and a safe place to connect. Take the next step and chat with a Hope Coach today.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.