I Feel Like I Am Not Good Enough for My Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Amelia asked, "I've been with my boyfriend for about three months now and he's great, but I just feel like I'm not good enough for him. I'm 19, he's 21, and he's perfect, but I always feel like I'm being compared to his ex-girlfriend from three years ago, or that I'm just not good for him. He says that's not true, but I can't get past the feeling that he's too good for me. It's starting to affect our relationship; how do I get over this?"
I think there are a couple of issues going on here.
How to Feel Like Enough in a Relationship
Too High of a Pedestal
First, you say your boyfriend is perfect. Even without knowing him, I can assure you he isn't. We always make a mistake when we make someone we care about our hero or even our god. It's great to respect your bf/gf but putting them too high on a pedestal puts way too much pressure on them and on the relationship.
Seeing each other in a more realistic light, with both strengths and weaknesses, will help your relationship to be more balanced and healthier.
What Would Make You Feel Good Enough?
But the bigger issue is you not feeling good enough for him. Likely, no matter what he tells you, you will continue to think that he brings so much more to the relationship than you do. So let me ask you, is there anything that would make you feel good enough for him? I desire that you will start seeing yourself as worthy. God has made each of us as incredibly unique individuals. If God, the creator of the universe sees you as worthy and desires a relationship with you, you should see yourself as at least equal to your boyfriend and worthy of his love. You have just as many wonderful qualities as your boyfriend, even if you're not aware of them right now.
I encourage you to read this important blog about How to Respect Yourself.
It's important for you to accept the love your boyfriend/girlfriend is giving you, and not just write it off because you don't feel you deserve it. If you continue to talk about not feeling good enough, there's a good chance your bf/gf is going to become discouraged because your relationship seems to be so negative, and move on to someone else. Stop focusing on your weaknesses and only his/her strengths. Start seeing both yourself and him or her in a more realistic light, with both strengths and weaknesses. This will help your relationship to be more balanced and healthy.
So stop worrying about your imperfections, and concentrate on loving your bf/gf. When we really love others, we end up feeling a whole lot better about ourselves.
Another question I was asked about dating along the same lines is this:
Braden asked, "Is it normal for a girl to break up for no reason? If so, why?"
The short answer to your question is no.
Most People Don't Do Things Like Breaking Up With Someone for No Reason at All
Girls don't usually say, "Oh, it's Tuesday, I think I'll break up with my boyfriend today." It's usually a series of either events, conversations with friends, or private feelings that lead to someone breaking up with you.
Often, when a break-up happens out of the blue, it's because there's someone else who has entered the picture. Or maybe her friends are putting pressure on her to end the relationship. Sometimes you will never know the real reason. She's probably not telling you her reasons, either to protect herself or protect you from getting mad or hurt.
We will never completely understand the opposite sex, and all the reasons they feel what they feel, and do what they do.
Still, sometimes the not knowing why is more difficult than the actual break-up. I'd encourage you to let her have her reasons, whatever they may be, and not let it haunt you. If you are willing to do that, you'll find yourself learning to be a better, stronger person.
There are always going to be unanswered questions in dating relationships. We will never completely understand the opposite sex, and all the reasons they feel what they feel, and do what they do. Don't let this girl's lack of communication prevent you from being a person who chooses to be truthful and honest with the girls you date.
Want more help with not feeling good enough? Read: This Hole in My Soul
It OK to feel that he don't like u no more but I think u should ask him if he has feeling for His ex. Tell him to be honest
I need help, I'm living with my boyfriends . We have been together almost a whole year . We were friends who had a sexual relationship and quickly jumped into dating . We're opposites . That is something we have thrived off of but it's starting to worry me that we are opposites in destiny as well. Were both 19 . And we'll - I've had like 20+ sexual partners because I used to just be a silly teen who let a lot of men take advantage of me and I never planned to get married or get serious anyway so I played the part. But I've fallen very much in love with him . It's just the old me is still there and she's insecure and afraid . So ultimately I feel awful he knows I've only admittedly to about half of the ppl I've slept with and I cannot see myself ever admitting that I lied about the number again and what not but also I'm just cruel I feel like a witch when we fight I'm very distant and a lot of that isn't just me being an Aquarius that's my native nature but it's hard for me to be the bigger person and I feel like I just make our little fights worse or our good days bad ? Idk . I have really bad emotional health and it's not on purpose to be so hurtful to him. He's calm and doesn't blow up on me for any and every inconvenience like I do him and believe me, I know how crappy men are I've messed with boys my age through high school and older men too ( like I said my past is really awful ) and he's taken care of me and based off our weakness and strengths, because wee opposites we actually do really great together . I just feel guilty for a number of things , 1- my unparented past that led me into sleeping around lifestyle, my really bad attitude about life, myself, our current situation(were both working I'm trying to finish Our high school he hopes to get a GED and we're renting a tiny room inside from a household that stresses us out for lack of better terms), and everything in general, I don't feel pretty enough or motherly and wifey enough I'm complex and he's simple he wants a simple happy life with wife and children and that's not hard but I just feel like I would suck at it it's so simple and I feel like I'm just going to make him miserable with all our fighting one day . I'm clearly his first love and it makes me feel like he has a lack of dealing with women , even though he's way more mature in relationships than I am. But he had a wild mother figure who constantly cheated on his 'loving father' and I think he's put me on this high ground because I'm the first woman who likes him then isn't "fat" and I don't do drugs and cheat on him every night also I'm mixed and he is white and that shouldn't matter at all but I don't love myself and I just see him with this beautiful long-straight haired woman that's always so sweet and just isn't me . I came from a broken family with fathers that just abuse. And left my mother so I know that is why I'd rather run out of this relationship but am I good enough for him???? I feel so worthless sometimes and like I'm unchangeable and unpleasable. I don't wanna be that angry nagging wife that just gets left or cheated on . We had a fairly loving relationship now we share a room and cuddle every night and talk about starting a family because I would love to mother his children . Maybe it just seems too good to be true ? Should I just pray that god hush these devils whispering. disparate in my ears? He's helped change a lot of me for the better, I don't smoke cigarettes anymore, I used to take about every drug put there on a weekly basis but I've traded that crazy party lifestyle for a normal one . Should I just give myself more time ? Or just I push him away more dominantly? I've tried to tell him before I'm no good and to leave but he says we just need to keep working on it and that I should try not to get as upset about little things . Because I really do he tries very hard to make me happy but I'm just so used to being on my own even now after a year . We move at different paces too and I feel a lot of it is my lack of patience for time. He's the slowest creature on the planet lol not literally but on the turtle and hair story he'd be the tortoise and if be the Hare . Slow and steady is my boyfriend and over estimating and rushed am I.....
i feel the same way
Ok.... so my boyfriend is amazing and all but sometimes he makes me feel like a queen but then the next he makes me feel like crap. He's amazing and I don't think that he does this on purpose, but he is doing it and it hurts me. I don't really cry but for some reason in class I just started crying. It wasn't because he is doing that, its because he's always with his ex. For example, today in science class I was trying to help him because he doesn't do any of his classwork and I'm trying to help him so he doesn't get held back because he is really smart, but he kept talking to his ex and laughing and talking a storm. And I know no one is that close to their ex and they weren't close before they started to date because I was his only girl bsf besides the other girl he used to like.... but that's a different story. Anyways after he came back from lunch detentions he went right to her and not even to me.... he didn't even say one word to me. I don't know, but do you think he's losing feeling? Or he doesn't love me as much as he says he does? I need advise desperately because I really love him and he's my bsf above all those things and I don't want to lose him because all 3 of his ex's are back to get with him again.
Dear girl,
I am a fellow girl who has been through the same age you are at right now (clearly you must be in high school or college), and experience is a good teacher.
You are worth FAR more than your boyfriend obviously thinks you are worth, and HE is the idiot/ abusive jerk in this situation. You are too good for him. YOU should be breaking up with HIM instead of worrying about losing him. You deserve way better.
Emotional abuse is a form of abuse, and what you are describing sounds just like it. It is a pervasive pattern of making others feel “like crap”, as you said. It requires no physical violence, but rather of demeaning words. The way abusers keep their victims is to have some times when they treat you “like a queen”, immediately followed by verbally demeaning and degrading the victim. Emotional abusers emotionally abuse for the same reason that bullies bully - it makes them feel like they have power and are superior if they beat someone else around.
You deserve someone who loves, values, and respects you all the time, unconditionally. Ditch this warty toad and find your prince. You are a princess who is very valuable.
Furthermore, it is very clear from your post that he is 99% probably cheating on you and 100% unfaithful douchebag. There is nothing anyone can do to stop a cheater from cheating- jerks will be jerks, and just like he is being unfaithful to you, he will go on to be unfaithful to every singe one of his ex-girlfriends, and every single one of his future girlfriends too, no matter how hot or nice or good they are.
And finally,he KNOWS that what he does hurts you, and he intentionally chooses to do those things. Don’t make excuses for him about “ I don’t think he does it intentionally”, because he does. He knows what he is doing.
So the solution? Kick him to the curb!! He’s a toxic, sadistic, abusive, sociopathic, lying cheating worthless piece of human garbage (morally). He will continue bringing you down until you cut him out of your life. Let him fail his classes and cheat on his ex and future girlfriends. You’ll be the one holding your head high, knowing your precious and irreplaceable worth, and having a much happier life without the suffering that he inevitably brings. And since you’ll be single, you’ll be free to find yourself a REAL Prince Charming who values you and loves you like you deserve.
Your boyfriend sounds very immature. You appear to love him openly. The destructive nature of young relationships is this: women dont know yet how to efficiently communicate how they feel to their man. And despite trying, men don't validate these conversations because they are too immature to understand what they have in their hands. This is why young couples do not last. Young boys hold the heart of a more mature girl. And they are unaware that their actions are detrimental. They're young and dumb. I know you have young love for this individual. But believe me when I tell you he is not the man you'll marry in 10 years. Why subject yourself to a naive boy who entertains old flings? If theres drama in the environment of other women trying to penetrate your relationship and he does not instill confidence into you, then you must choose to value yourself and have confidence in yourself more than how this boy gives you an increased heart beat.
I think you should talk to him. Tell him about how you feel when he talks to her. Dont try to control what he does and who he talks to but make him aware of your feelings because maybe he doesnt know that it hurts you. One of the most important things needed to keep a healthy relationship going is to be honest and open to eachother so go and talk to him, making sure its just you two so you have all his attention.
Break. Up. With. Him. It may be hard but it’s clear he’s a jerk, and he has feelings for his ex still. I wish best of luck.