The End of a Dating Relationship
One of the most painful experiences in life is the ending of a meaningful relationship, especially where there has been a romance. People who call my radio show always tell me stories about really heart-breaking endings to their relationships. Wouldn't it be amazing if somebody were to say, "My bf/gf treated me so well when we were breaking up, I couldn't help but respect him/her!"
But unfortunately, the end of a dating relationship is often full of deception, dishonesty, and disrespect. But it doesn't have to be this way. When you are breaking up with someone, for whatever reason, the best approach is to treat the other person the same way you would want to be treated.
Still, one thing is for sure. No matter how hard you try to be kind, the fact that you want to break up is going to hurt the other person. This is not something to do over the phone, via text messaging, social media, or email. Consider the time and location. Be courageous and respectful and have your conversation in person and in private.
Before you do anything, make sure you really do want to break up. If you're just angry at your bf/gf, you may want to talk about why you're upset, rather than just ending the relationship. Sometimes it feels easier to run from the relationship, when in reality there may be a great lesson to learn from a challenging situation.
Be prepared for the other person to ask why you're breaking up with him/her. You might want to write down some of your thoughts beforehand. If you're breaking up because of difficulties you've had with the relationship in the past, it'll be easier if you've already talked through them, and given the other person an opportunity to respond.
15 Dos and Don'ts When Breaking Up
- Don't have a friend break up for you.
- Don't ignore your ex and expect that person to understand.
- Never text a good-bye.
- Don't announce it on social media.
- Don't make your reasons complicated.
- Be direct, but kind.
- Don't say something mean about the other person.
- Don't say, "Let's just be friends." (You may be friends again, but it takes time for the relationship to heal).
- Answer their questions as honestly and kindly as possible.
- Don't say, "It's not you, it's me."
- Understand that the other person is going to be very hurt, confused and possibly angry.
- Don't go blabbing to other people about the break-up. Save your experience for a few trusted friends.
- Don't break up unless you know for sure it's final. The breaking up and then getting back together again cycle breeds mistrust.
- Wait before you start dating someone else, especially if you see your former bf/gf often.
Consider Brittini's story: After the last relationship when I broke up with my boyfriend, the week later he was asking my friend if she would go out with him! That made me so mad that the next time I saw him I just wanted to hurt him and her.
- Don't try to talk your bf/gf out of their decision.
Grace's advice is valuable: My beau of just over 4 yrs. broke up with me last Valentine's Day in what he later called "a defensive, reactive" moment - completely unexpected by either of us. I tried to talk him out of it for over an hour to no avail. Ladies, please DON'T do this. If he's gonna break up with you, let him. If he's wrong, truly loves you, and is a real man, he will come back for you. Do not chase him. It only leads to a more shattered heart.
Breaking Up Is Hard...Be honest and sensitive.
Breaking up is hard. There's no getting around that. Just listen to Kate, who said: I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months last week. I know 6 months isn't that long, but I would drive 74 miles (one way) to see him, sometimes several times a week. He never came to see me. He also told me that he didn't love me, and he never would. Instead of breaking it off and trying to heal myself like a normal person, I would do just about anything to keep the relationship going. I can't live without him, and my heart is genuinely broken. I know God is the only one who can fill the hole in my heart.
If you use honesty, compassion, and sensitivity, you'll both be better off in the end. Treat him or her with the same respect you'd like someone to treat your future husband/wife.
The fact that you are reading this blog shows that you care enough to do this the right way and want to be as compassionate as possible. I commend you for that. When handling any sensitive situation, it is helpful to think about approaching the conversation with these words: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These words are called the Fruit of the Spirit in the Bible. They describe the essence of God, and that is always a good place to start.
If you're struggling to get through a difficult breakup, you might want to read my blog about Getting Over A Broken Heart for some additional thoughts.
Hi Dawson. I am in a 3 months relationship,I know it's a very short period of time, but we are already very close and we say that we love eachother very often. But the past month we have been fight everyday and our parents are now against our relationship. I don't even know if I really like him anymore or if I am just scared of being alone. I just know that both of us have been feeling very unhappy and that we have been having a love/hate relationship. And although i know he really loves me and that he has done things for me that anyone else has ever done, I tried to break up with him a couple of times now, but then he cries and does everything for me to get back to him, so I do... I just don't know what to do, i want to break up with him, but I don't have the strengh to do it. What should I do? Please help me. By the way, we have a long distance relationship, but everytime I break up with him he finds a way to meet me.
I broke up with my girlfriend just 5 days ago. I decided to do this over the phone, because my mother suggested i do it that way because I've been waiting out for the best time to do it in person and just here lately shes just been sick and just really not in a good place right now. I really wanted to continue this and stick with her through the hard times that she was having, but eventually it just got to the point on Monday where i just had to do it or else i would've drove myself insane. These last few days have been the hardest. She called me back after i called her and raised her voice at me, so i (immaturely) raised mine back. And i haven't heard from her since. I've tried sending several txts explaining myself and apologizing for how i handled it. I just want her to understand why I had to do it this way, but i'm afraid that she's gonna continue to be upset with me and continue to just shut me off completely without even being able to talk with her in person about everything. I feel so bad for having to do this at such a hard time in her life, but the relationship had been making me more depressed and more stressed as time went by. And it just progressively got worse. I just flat out couldn't do it anymore. I tried my best to stay with her, I really did. Anyway, I just want someone to reach out to me. Someone that's been in a similar situation and can help me and give me some advice on what to do.
hello. im 18 and i just dumped my boyfriend over text. now i have a strong belief that u should never do this unless being cheated on, abused, or in an online relationship, which mine was not. this is my story. my bf has no phone so he uses his brothers. i wanted to break up with him in person so i texted his brother to pass the phone to my bf. brother told me bf got kicked out house. although i felt extremely bad and at first thought of waiting for his call, i realise i have no way of getting in contact with him now that he is out of the house and not with brother. i wanted to break up face to face or AT LEAST over phone but i did not kbow when i could get in contact with him. one of the problem in our relationship was his lack of effort to get in contact. ik he does not have a phone and when his brothers phone got shut off because of unpaid bills, i did not blame him, but soon realized that he has a computer. if he REALLY wanted to let me know why he wasnt answering my call he could have gone on facebook and told me about the problem. instead he waited 3 days and used thr phone being shut off as an excuse. if he wasnt willing to put in effort to contact me and it took him 3 days to call when he was in a comfortable situation at home with access to a computer, i thought, "then theres no way he would call in less then 3 days when he just got kicked out and is at a friends house thats kinda far. by the way, he lives LITERALLY A STREET AWAY FROM ME SO IF HE WAS IN TROUBLE HE COULD HAVE CALLED ME FROM HIS BROTHERS PHONE WHEN GETTING KICKED OUT. I felt that i could not wait for HIM to contact ME when i wanted so much to break up. so..... unfortunately...... i went against my belief and i sent my bfs brother a text saying "im sorry i couldnt do it face to face but when ur able to get in contact with him please tell ur brother that its over".(this is the short version, it was a little longer). now i know its disrespectful to break up over text especially when someone is in trouble, but i felt that i could not sit around and wait for my bf when i want out of a relationship. i felt that i deserved better. i really really wanted to end it respectfully but unfortunately in my opinion i had a right to get out of an unhappy relationship and to not wait for DAYS in order to do so. i needed to move on. Please tell me is it still wrong of me to do this. my logical side is saying i have a right to not wait but my humane side is saying i should have waited. one of my friends told me i should dump him immediately and then aftet i did it she told ne "thats not the way to dump someone u should have waited". this confused and hurt me cause i went through with it. please help me
Hi Aaron, I'm so sorry she chose to break up with you in public like this. No one deserves to be treated like this. Thank you for posting this for others to see and think about the implications of breaking up with someone like this in public. Hang in there! We care about you and we're here if you ever need to talk to us.
Hey Dawson, I just wanted to stress how important it is, that if you are going to break up with someone, how detrimental it is to do it privatley, because my Ex Girlfriend broke up with me in a walmart parking lot in front of all her friends, and the guy she was cheating on me with was there and it completely wrecked me, and I can remember feeling so bad and hurt, and it would just have been so much better if she had just told me in private.
Holy mother that's the worst ever! No one, NO ONE deserves that. Your ex is absolutely a cruel person. My heart goes out to you. At least you know how hurtful people can be and I hope you will always be extra considerate when you initiate future breakups. <3 You are a better person.