The End of a Dating Relationship
One of the most painful experiences in life is the ending of a meaningful relationship, especially where there has been a romance. People who call my radio show always tell me stories about really heart-breaking endings to their relationships. Wouldn't it be amazing if somebody were to say, "My bf/gf treated me so well when we were breaking up, I couldn't help but respect him/her!"
But unfortunately, the end of a dating relationship is often full of deception, dishonesty, and disrespect. But it doesn't have to be this way. When you are breaking up with someone, for whatever reason, the best approach is to treat the other person the same way you would want to be treated.
Still, one thing is for sure. No matter how hard you try to be kind, the fact that you want to break up is going to hurt the other person. This is not something to do over the phone, via text messaging, social media, or email. Consider the time and location. Be courageous and respectful and have your conversation in person and in private.
Before you do anything, make sure you really do want to break up. If you're just angry at your bf/gf, you may want to talk about why you're upset, rather than just ending the relationship. Sometimes it feels easier to run from the relationship, when in reality there may be a great lesson to learn from a challenging situation.
Be prepared for the other person to ask why you're breaking up with him/her. You might want to write down some of your thoughts beforehand. If you're breaking up because of difficulties you've had with the relationship in the past, it'll be easier if you've already talked through them, and given the other person an opportunity to respond.
15 Dos and Don'ts When Breaking Up
- Don't have a friend break up for you.
- Don't ignore your ex and expect that person to understand.
- Never text a good-bye.
- Don't announce it on social media.
- Don't make your reasons complicated.
- Be direct, but kind.
- Don't say something mean about the other person.
- Don't say, "Let's just be friends." (You may be friends again, but it takes time for the relationship to heal).
- Answer their questions as honestly and kindly as possible.
- Don't say, "It's not you, it's me."
- Understand that the other person is going to be very hurt, confused and possibly angry.
- Don't go blabbing to other people about the break-up. Save your experience for a few trusted friends.
- Don't break up unless you know for sure it's final. The breaking up and then getting back together again cycle breeds mistrust.
- Wait before you start dating someone else, especially if you see your former bf/gf often.
Consider Brittini's story: After the last relationship when I broke up with my boyfriend, the week later he was asking my friend if she would go out with him! That made me so mad that the next time I saw him I just wanted to hurt him and her.
- Don't try to talk your bf/gf out of their decision.
Grace's advice is valuable: My beau of just over 4 yrs. broke up with me last Valentine's Day in what he later called "a defensive, reactive" moment - completely unexpected by either of us. I tried to talk him out of it for over an hour to no avail. Ladies, please DON'T do this. If he's gonna break up with you, let him. If he's wrong, truly loves you, and is a real man, he will come back for you. Do not chase him. It only leads to a more shattered heart.
Breaking Up Is Hard...Be honest and sensitive.
Breaking up is hard. There's no getting around that. Just listen to Kate, who said: I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months last week. I know 6 months isn't that long, but I would drive 74 miles (one way) to see him, sometimes several times a week. He never came to see me. He also told me that he didn't love me, and he never would. Instead of breaking it off and trying to heal myself like a normal person, I would do just about anything to keep the relationship going. I can't live without him, and my heart is genuinely broken. I know God is the only one who can fill the hole in my heart.
If you use honesty, compassion, and sensitivity, you'll both be better off in the end. Treat him or her with the same respect you'd like someone to treat your future husband/wife.
The fact that you are reading this blog shows that you care enough to do this the right way and want to be as compassionate as possible. I commend you for that. When handling any sensitive situation, it is helpful to think about approaching the conversation with these words: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These words are called the Fruit of the Spirit in the Bible. They describe the essence of God, and that is always a good place to start.
If you're struggling to get through a difficult breakup, you might want to read my blog about Getting Over A Broken Heart for some additional thoughts.
I met this incredible guy online and at first I didn't want to meet him because I didn't think it could work out. He's in the military and leaving soon, but he talked me into it, telling me it could work out. So I finally fell for him. It didn't take long for him to not text me as often as he did, he started being more and more distant. I was getting angry and tried to break up with him because I just felt he didn't like me the way he told me he did, but he would always come back and say he wants to be with me. So last time I got upset that he didn't have time for me, he broke up with me. I contacted him and asked for him to see me because I couldn't understand how a person goes from I'm crazy about you to I'm stressed, you are amazing and you will make someone else happy. His excuse was that he was always upsetting me because he works too much. He agreed to talk to me in 3 weeks when he comes back from a work trip. In my heart I feel he lied to me , that he doesn't love me, but it's so hard to let it go, specially when he keeps telling me the only problem is that I get upset with him. He just changed. I need help! I'm dying inside. He's all I ever asked for.
Wow! Glad I came across this. I need help. My now fiance of 4 years is having financial issues. He is hoping to get married with me but not able to support to help us or for a wedding. For 4 years I put up with him not making holidays special and delays on going to see a movie because he's got financial issues with court cases. I find myself in a cycle like with my ex husband. Tired breaking it off several times. He cries and i feel like I hurt him even more.
Yeah, when the jerk won't answer his phone, all you can do is text a good-bye. Not that he deserves even that much attention. Just move on and leave him to his sad, lonely life.
I did exactly the opposite of what you said we should do in this situation. I'm in trouble.
My girlfriend of just under 8 months and I broke up yesterday. Our relationship was extremely unorthodox, and we probably both knew it was going to fail before long.
We were in a long distance relationship, across several states. Yeah, I know what everyone is thinking. "Why?" Well, that's a story in and of itself. Suffice to say I fell for her after knowing her for a long time and helping her through a lot of tough stuff. And she fell the same for me.
We thought we could make it work. And for... 6 months, it was great. But then she started distancing herself, claiming time with her mother, who she didn't see much for several reasons, mostly child services.
Anyways, she started becoming distant. Very distant. She ignored me for the longest times. She'd always apologize, so I accepted it and didn't think much more of it. Unfortunately, that was supposed to be my wake up call.
When we did break up yesterday, she told me, partially, why. In the course of 8 months, I'd changed. Not for the better. I became spiteful, controlling, mean. I can partially blame it on our discussions about an item in particular, but it encompassed the whole. I became something I abhorred without even knowing it. I didn't see myself being spiteful. But I was. I have gone back, taken a long look at things. I'm everything I didn't want to be with her. And we both suffered for it.
She and I both admit we had our faults. I won't discuss her's as that is not my place. But I already miss her terribly. There's a nice sized hole where she was.
Which is another part of what was wrong. I did things incorrectly. I made her essentially the center of my universe, or as near to it as I could. The most important person in my life. I loved her dearly. Still do. But my problem is one thing above all else. I didn't seek the Lord first, and everything came crashing down around me. And she got hurt too. It's my belief that the man is supposed to be the spiritual leader. I wasn't. Things in my past got in my way as well. I didn't do a lot that I knew I needed to do.
So just some advice to everyone out there who might be along the same lines. Always seek God first. Always always always. Because if you don't, your priorities are going to get turned way around, and you and your partner both will likely suffer for it.
I have a huge, gaping, laser edged, empty, "glowing cold" (if that makes any sense, but that's how it feels) hole in my heart. That was what she filled. But that wasn't her place. I didn't realize it, and still am having trouble because I continue thinking about her. But that's a God sized hole, something only He can fill. If you try to fill it with anything or anyone else, it's going to eventually fail. Save yourself some terrible, terrible trouble. Save yourself some pain. Save yourself from poisonous words, either to your partner or from them.
There's going to be a piece of me with her for the rest of my life. I don't know if we're going to be friends, even. I hope so. She was very dear to me. I've known her quite a while. Hopefully one day, again.
This was very helpful, it is very true that we should always seek God first. I have hurt my bf, in a bad way because I put him on the center of my attention, instead of God. It was my fault, but I have learned from it, hopefully one day he can truly forgive me for it.
Your story is very similar to mine. Its only been a few months since we began dating, I generally dont let someone in I don't let anyone get that close to me-but when I do I fall hard. He traveled to see me as much as I did him. There is no complaints there. My only complaint was that I knew down deep that he wasn't invested in the relationship like I was and during the breakup he said as much. The reason I got clingy was because I didn't get what I needed from him-which would have been a text every now and again-a phone call. We did text but being long distance there were long periods of silence. I think also it kept in the "honeymoon" stage where we couldn't wait to see each other. And I ignored faults that I should've recognized better. I'm far from perfect-I am not saying it was all him it was mostly me.
This is still so raw and new this happened Sunday. I am hurting so bad I think I need to see a professional. I have never hurt this bad. I know it would never work out because he refuses to change any behavior and I cannot accept being second fiddle. I have never gone through this -every other relationship was stifling to me. Maybe its to teach me a lesson I dont know. But I need this pain to stop.
My Girlfriend of 17 months broke up with on Sunday too in a parking lot in my car. She made it seem like we were gonna spend time as we usually do then ripped my heart like a bandaid i felt shocked cause i didnt know what i did to deserve this i asked "was it something i did" or "is there anything we can do to fix this" it was a dead on NO. She said she stopped feeling for me. i could see she was hurting crying intensly saying please dont hate me. I told her " you know i cant" she just rushed out the car sobbing. The week after when i picked up my things from ger place i saw and felt all the resentment and anger she had towards me. I always talked to her she always lied and said everythings great. My heart is broken i can hardly focus i havnt slept more than 10 hrs all week and eaten more than one meal. What hurts the most is she never even gave me a chance. She didnt want to fight for the relationship she was cold and hard towards me.