The End of a Dating Relationship
One of the most painful experiences in life is the ending of a meaningful relationship, especially where there has been a romance. People who call my radio show always tell me stories about really heart-breaking endings to their relationships. Wouldn't it be amazing if somebody were to say, "My bf/gf treated me so well when we were breaking up, I couldn't help but respect him/her!"
But unfortunately, the end of a dating relationship is often full of deception, dishonesty, and disrespect. But it doesn't have to be this way. When you are breaking up with someone, for whatever reason, the best approach is to treat the other person the same way you would want to be treated.
Still, one thing is for sure. No matter how hard you try to be kind, the fact that you want to break up is going to hurt the other person. This is not something to do over the phone, via text messaging, social media, or email. Consider the time and location. Be courageous and respectful and have your conversation in person and in private.
Before you do anything, make sure you really do want to break up. If you're just angry at your bf/gf, you may want to talk about why you're upset, rather than just ending the relationship. Sometimes it feels easier to run from the relationship, when in reality there may be a great lesson to learn from a challenging situation.
Be prepared for the other person to ask why you're breaking up with him/her. You might want to write down some of your thoughts beforehand. If you're breaking up because of difficulties you've had with the relationship in the past, it'll be easier if you've already talked through them, and given the other person an opportunity to respond.
15 Dos and Don'ts When Breaking Up
- Don't have a friend break up for you.
- Don't ignore your ex and expect that person to understand.
- Never text a good-bye.
- Don't announce it on social media.
- Don't make your reasons complicated.
- Be direct, but kind.
- Don't say something mean about the other person.
- Don't say, "Let's just be friends." (You may be friends again, but it takes time for the relationship to heal).
- Answer their questions as honestly and kindly as possible.
- Don't say, "It's not you, it's me."
- Understand that the other person is going to be very hurt, confused and possibly angry.
- Don't go blabbing to other people about the break-up. Save your experience for a few trusted friends.
- Don't break up unless you know for sure it's final. The breaking up and then getting back together again cycle breeds mistrust.
- Wait before you start dating someone else, especially if you see your former bf/gf often.
Consider Brittini's story: After the last relationship when I broke up with my boyfriend, the week later he was asking my friend if she would go out with him! That made me so mad that the next time I saw him I just wanted to hurt him and her.
- Don't try to talk your bf/gf out of their decision.
Grace's advice is valuable: My beau of just over 4 yrs. broke up with me last Valentine's Day in what he later called "a defensive, reactive" moment - completely unexpected by either of us. I tried to talk him out of it for over an hour to no avail. Ladies, please DON'T do this. If he's gonna break up with you, let him. If he's wrong, truly loves you, and is a real man, he will come back for you. Do not chase him. It only leads to a more shattered heart.
Breaking Up Is Hard...Be honest and sensitive.
Breaking up is hard. There's no getting around that. Just listen to Kate, who said: I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months last week. I know 6 months isn't that long, but I would drive 74 miles (one way) to see him, sometimes several times a week. He never came to see me. He also told me that he didn't love me, and he never would. Instead of breaking it off and trying to heal myself like a normal person, I would do just about anything to keep the relationship going. I can't live without him, and my heart is genuinely broken. I know God is the only one who can fill the hole in my heart.
If you use honesty, compassion, and sensitivity, you'll both be better off in the end. Treat him or her with the same respect you'd like someone to treat your future husband/wife.
The fact that you are reading this blog shows that you care enough to do this the right way and want to be as compassionate as possible. I commend you for that. When handling any sensitive situation, it is helpful to think about approaching the conversation with these words: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These words are called the Fruit of the Spirit in the Bible. They describe the essence of God, and that is always a good place to start.
If you're struggling to get through a difficult breakup, you might want to read my blog about Getting Over A Broken Heart for some additional thoughts.
I've been exactly where you were when you wrote this. It's unfortunate, but we all fall for it, myself included. Things are so hot and heavy early on, the connection is there, the chemistry. He can't wait to be with you and you feel the same. Then it cools off over time. And you spend much of the relationship trying to get it back. But it never ends up working. Some men are simply like this, plain and simple. They live for the thrill and when it's no longer new, or becomes "routine" (which ironically is what is so comforting about a solid relationship) they lose interest. There is NOTHING you can do to fix the situation, or him. It's taken me a long time to learn that. This is TYPE of man. Not all men are like this. Many are, but not all. The thing we women have to learn is to be able to enjoy that thrilling early part, but not get so caught up in it that we mistake it for love. We have to wait until the cooling off period. Because THAT is when you find out exactly what kind of man he truly is.
You are not a bad person. You are not responsible for someone else's reaction. He's reacting like a child. Of course he's hurt, but it's not very respectful to say mean things about you if he truly loved you. That is the reaction of a person who is emotionally immature. They act like a 5 year old who had their favorite toy removed. Ultimately, is this the kind of person you want to, or even can build a future with? I say this because I have been with such men. He probably used emotional manipulation within the relationship - i.e. I can't say this to him because he will blow up, or get mean, etc.
I'm sorry, no. Sometimes you are responsible and things you do affect other people negatively. You should apologize to him and make it clear its something you no longer want, but accept the fact that what you did probably did hurt him.
I juse broke up with my boyfriend today. As soon as I said I wanted to break up, he grabbed his stuff and walked out. He was my best friend before we started to date, and i feel so depressed because I don't know if I should even call him. My close friend, who's also his close friend said that he told her, 'I wasted my time loving her, trying to get her to love me back, just for her to tell me she doesn't want a relationship anymore,' before punching a wall. Am I a bad person? I feel like I am. I've been thinking about it ever since it happened and I don't know where we'll go from here.
This is confusing no one very understands but this guy and I have been talking for 2 years but I don't want to even use the term talking because I'm not sure one second he wants me the next he doesn't and it's never clear we used to be so one about how we felt but not much anymore and when I ask it's not like I get straight answers but I've put bits and pieces together of these years and I remember specific moments like him saying I pretend as if I don't like you because it makes you like me more and that's what I want ot he'll ask me if I love him and say if you love me tell me you love me but that's it. Or when he gets drunk he'll tell me he feels for me and such it's like it's hidden now that we aren't open with it for example last night he said I wish this could work I wish I could date you and we can't date for reasons I'd rather not say it's not that he's ina. Relationship or anything it's just complicated and he's so harsh when I try to act like any kind of girlfriend to him but he gets mad if I like another picture it's more like we're friends mor than anything but we really aren't we've talked everyday 24/7 I just don't understand and this is nothing I can't talk about with anyone I jnow
Dear Jason Porter,
Your story is very similar to mine. I had an unorthodox and long distance relationship too. It only lasted for 7 months. I knew that it would not work from the beginning, but I could not help myself. I felt that I had met the person who I would be with for the rest of my life.
The more I got closer with him, the more I moved farther from my family and God. They were very disappointed in me and I knew that I was headed for a painful and terrible end. I knew that before we got any more serious, I had to break up with him.
My mentors advised that I could not hold on to him and at the same time maintain my relationship with God; that like you, I have made him the center of my life, instead of keeping God there. I could only choose one or the either. I chose my Savior and I broke up with my boyfriend.
It was very painful and difficult to explain my reasons to him. He became very angry and hurt at me and at God because I was honest with him. He did not want to let me go right away. I treated him the way I wanted to be treated after a break up. Although it was very hard, I stayed as a friend until his habit to talking to me gradually lessened. I understood that he needed to heal.
After some time, he started dating another lady. He told me about it months after he was already in a new relationship. He said he still wanted to be friends but I decided to stay away because I too needed healing and I wanted to honor the new woman in his life. It's not true that you move on faster if you're the one who broke up the relationship. 🙂
It has been 7 years already since we broke up. We have not spoken to each other since. I do not regret breaking up with him though. Although, I still walk through life with a scar of that hole in my heart. Reading your post and being reminded of what happened to me, made me sad for the suffering I've experienced for being far away from God for a time; grateful that God gave me a second chance to develop a stronger relationship with my Savior; and thankful that God continues to heal me underneath the scars.
Jason, you talk about her with such respect and honor. Thank you for treating her that way and for writing your advise and post.
God has planned many good things for you. He will...always.