If you quickly open a soda, there is some chance the contents will foam up and spill over the top. Shake that bottle for thirty seconds before removing the top and you'll have a much more intense experience. Talking with people about relationships with loved ones in the military is like opening a bottle that has been violently shaken. The pressure inside is so great that the questions and experiences come out fast and strong, and they spew in every direction.
Here are some of the comments I have received about deployment and its impact on relationships.
Anonymous wrote: Guys usually don't communicate the way women do. I know my husband loves me and missed me on deployments. Did he ever write that in a letter? No. The best I would get was a "miss you Babe" on a phone call.
Fadeintoyou82 wrote: My boyfriend is deployed. We had been together for 7 months before he left. Everything was going great the first half of the deployment, then out of nowhere, he starts to become distant and disconnected. Then he tells me that he doesn't know if he has the same feelings for me anymore.
HappyLittleGirl wrote: I am experiencing my first deployment away from the most fantastic man I've ever met besides my father. We've been dating for 8 months and love each other. He's in the Navy and deployed somewhere in the Middle East... I love him dearly and I know he loves me... but I worry that he doesn't miss me.
nicolem28 wrote: I'm engaged to an AF guy and he's been gone 50% of our relationship. This trip he's on now has been awful since he has minimal communication opportunities, so I understand how the doubt can creep in.
Lyndsey wrote: Military relationships are special. if they make it through the training and first deployment, they can make it through anything.
Your Relationship Can Survive Military Deployment
I've asked one of our partners, Mike Jones, to talk about loved ones on deployment. Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. Mike shares openly about some of the struggles and how to overcome them when your loved one is deployed.
Coping with Lack of Communication
Dawson: It seems that with a lot of our callers the lack of communication with a deployed spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is what puts a lot of pressure on relationships.
Mike: Communication with those back home is difficult for several reasons. A lot of time soldiers are in isolated situations with limited or command-only communications. If you're front line like infantry soldiers, you are busy 24-7-365-360 (every hour, every day of the year, all around you). You're either on patrol, on guard duty, or crashing. There's very little downtime, but even then, the enemy may decide it's time to lob a few mortars or attack the compound. A lot of that downtime is focused on getting ready to go again.
Dawson: Perhaps it's more than just the number of emails or the amount of talk-time. If couples really don't understand or feel what the other is going through, they'll still have a disconnect whether they communicate a lot or a little.
Importance of Situational Awareness
Mike: It's really important for those at home to try to gain some situational awareness regarding their deployed soldier. Talking to other experienced military spouses helps. One of the things to understand is that a soldier needs to stay completely focused on the assignment at hand... not home, not family, not kids, not you... their assignment. If their heads are not intensely focused and in the game, someone can get hurt. Even when a unit is just walking down a road everyone is looking in a prescribed direction for particular things. If one soldier loses intense mental focus and is not looking the right way, you have a sector uncovered. Soldiers are trained to switch off everything else when the mission is on.
Struggles in Switching Modes
Mike: Also, there are times when soldiers don't seem to have much to say. Spouses need to understand that it's hard sometimes to switch back from being warrior to being relational. And sometimes they can't talk about what's going on because it's either too hard on them or they fear it will be too hard on you.
Dawson: Do deployed soldiers typically feel guilty about being away from home and family?
Mike: Mostly they are so engaged with what they're doing that they don't have time for that. But in some cases; yes. If you've got a deployed soldier feeling guilty about being away, the last thing they need to hear is complaining about problems at home.
Focusing on Home can be Difficult
Dawson: While it's difficult for loved ones to understand what their deployed soldier is going through, by comparison, is it much easier for soldiers to understand what it is like at home?
Mike: No, not true at all. Some soldiers have no clue about how difficult it is for those at home. Like I said before, some soldiers have a harder time flipping the mental switch from combat focus to home-life focus. Their life in a combat zone is so intense, fear mixed with exhilaration, a sense of mission accomplishment mixed with the pain of losing a comrade. Problems at home that are huge to their loved ones may seem trivial compared to the combat zone. Again, the more loved ones can gain some situation awareness about these things, the easier deployments will become, particularly combat deployments.
A Suggested Conversation with a Deployed Loved One
Dawson: Do you have suggestions for how loved ones should approach those rare, unscheduled, middle-of-the-night phone calls?
Mike: Maybe something along these lines: Honey, we're okay here. We've had a problem with _____, but we've got it under control. Mom and dad are helping, and so is my brother. The FRG (Family Resource Group) is there when I need to talk about Army stuff. We're all good. I love you (i.e. don't be concerned about me being unfaithful). Be safe, stay focused, we're all going to get through this! (NOTE: TheHopeLine partners with Centerstone Military Services for additional resources for military personnel and their families.)
Strong Spouses and Loved Ones
Dawson: It sounds like the soldiers and their loved ones all have their individual battles to fight.
Mike: Very true. Spouses, parents, children, girlfriends or boyfriends all have different types of battles to fight, but you all go to war together as a team. If you can hang onto that kind of perspective, things are going to be a lot easier. The worst thing is fighting the battle of deployment and fighting one another at the same time.
Check out Nicole's 7 Great Ideas to help your relationship survive military deployment:
"I am in a relationship with a man who his spending the next six months deployed. This is our first deployment as a couple. It is also his last deployment, as he will be retiring following this trip. He has been very open with me about the fact that this will be hard, but we are a strong couple, and not getting through this was never even mentioned as an option. I am very sad, because I hate that we are separated, and I worry about his safety. However, I have been keeping myself busy with ways to cope and it is helping.
Some of the things I did are:"
- I wrote him thirty letters to take with him, made myself a copy of each, and I open one a day also so I remember what I wrote to him.
- I started a journal. It is a great place to vent and talk about/work through my fears.
- I made an awesome Deployment countdown poster and I am crossing off the days.
- I made a list of things I want to do while he is gone.
- I am planning/researching the trip we want to take when he gets home.
- I am keeping a mason jar and popsicle sticks, and every time I think of something I want us to do together, I write it on a popsicle stick and pop it into the jar.
- I plan out care packages with themes, and I will send them over the course of the upcoming months.
"Soooooo, I guess I am hoping this will help those of you who are struggling like me. This sucks, but six or seven months of sadness is a small price to pay for a lifetime of wonderful.
Strength to all!"
Thanks, Nicole, for sharing your ideas!
Military - TheHopeLine.com
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Hi guys I've known my boyfriend for 3 years were about to make 2 years together. Hes in the navy. He just went on his first deployment yesterday December 11, he never really told me when he'd be back he said he only knew it was from 7-9 months.. Are they allowed to communicate via email or something while on the ship? I'm trying so hard to think positive but I'm so scared that he never comes back to me if that makes any sense? I just miss him already. I feel like I really don't know anything. He always would reassure me that he loves me and that I don't ever have to worry about him not coming back to me.
Maybe he isn't allowed to use mail or anything at the moment, but always make sure to write him something for him to read. No matter if you send them all at once when you get to have communication with him. Make sure you remind him that you'll always be there and that everything will be over soon and he will come back soon to some delicious plate/dish you guys had when you went out or his favorite. There isn't really anything worse than a first deployment.
My husband is on a deployment right now, and I have just found out about another "possible" one that could occur a couple months after he returns from this one.. I would have to say that my second has been much worse (so far, almost 1/3 completed now) than the first deployment.. Before the first, I was completely naive, and the military had created an optimistic picture in our minds of how things would be. No amount of "Deployment Preparation" sessions could prepare me for what would happen, it was horrendous. That was two years ago, and I am still suffering with the effects of being alone (no kids, no family near) for 9 months while he was away. The goodbye for this current deployment had a bonus fear of "not this again", plus the anxiety of him leaving. Sorry if I sound miserable, but this is harder than I thought it would be when I said I didn't mind being a military wife. Now I feel so trapped, and I feel like he is too busy to even have time to miss me (though he says he does). I try to keep busy but besides working, there isn't a whole lot to do where I live. Any advice or words of encouragement would be appreciated.. 🙁
Amanda, I understand how you feel. My boyfriend is also deployed and working long days where as I have lots of down time at my job. If course that leaves me with idle time where all I can do is think about him. I've cried just about every day now. Our communication has become different. I know he's busy but I still find it hard to not hear from him. This is definitely not easy. There are good days and there are bad days. The best advice I can give is try to go outside, get some fresh air and do something active. Being outside helps me. I'm always open for chatting if you would like. Smile,
well, this is my first deployment with my boyfriend & the last. he deploys on dec.12th. he is a marine & stationed in camp Lejeune nc. I've known him for 3yrs & have been with him for almost 2yrs. this is his 2nd deployment. the thing thats killing me the most is we don't know where hes going, & we can only write each other. there is so much going on in this world today. his MOS is artillery, & he is amazing at what he does! the marines don't want him to leave. I'm on here to get support & to give it as well. it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through something like this.
I have a feeling my fiancé and your boyfriend are on the same deployment...this is our second one together and it's much harder than the first because he's on a boat this time w. basically no communication & I feel like I resent him / tend to want to tell him all that he is doing wrong when we do get to talk! it's frustrating for me as a person because im not like that. I know I should cherish the times we do get to speak but I feel like the negativity is like word vomit.
This was very insightful, thank you. I've known my boyfriend for 15 years however we've only been committed to each other for the past 4 months. I know he's been on a few deployments before but we weren't together at the time. Now that we've been together and he's getting ready to be deployed the day after Christmas I'm lost with what to do or say. I love this man with all my heart and don't want to lose him but I can't be selfish and need to support him, I just don't know how. What do I say to support him? What do I get him as a Christmas gift? I want to get him something he can take with him that will remind him of me but will help him to get through this and fight to come home to me. Any help would be appreciated.
Hello,
My name is Sarahi, My BF is in the Army and Deployed in July to the Middle East. I just bought him a Christmas present which I'm still trying to figure it out how to send lol. This is his first deployment so We are still knew to the whole thing. I wanted to get him something that will remind him of me and he could keep as well. So I bought him a bracelet from "Things to Remember" with our initials and the date we became BF and GF. It also came with a tag, which I also engraved, with a phrase that was meaningful for both of us. I feel like it doesn't get easier but We try to make the best of it and I try to be as supporter as I can. Also, if you have any idea how to mail something to them that would be awesome. I have his address I just need no know weather I need to write his unit even if He's not in it at the time or not on the custom form. Thank you and I hope that helps!
Make sure you try to have some contact with the base he was last deployed at or go ask a recruiting center they should give you more info. Great gift btw
Hi everyone,
I have been with my boyfriend for just under a year.. He has very recently deployed for Hes 6 months in afghan, although he has previously been so knows what to expect we wasn't in a relationship at the time. He is infantry front line so communication is extremely difficult for us whilst he's gone... I am just so scared that he will forget about me whilst hes there, that the distance between us will make it easier for him too not want me after he's back,
My boyfriend (in the Navy and stationed in Bahrain) got deployed about a month ago, and when he told me that he was getting deployed he said he couldn't tell me for how long, and then when he finally moved on the boat he said he wasn't sure if we were gonna be able to talk. So the first day he got deployed we talked briefly and then the next day he text me telling me he loves me but he wasn't getting any service. And that's the last time I talked to him. Well my ex who is also in the Navy is telling me that he is lying to me and telling me that he is able to talk to me but just doesn't want to and that is why he also didn't tell me how long he was getting deployed for. I'm starting believe him because I haven't talked to my boyfriend in so long, it feels like. I miss him and i just want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation as me, because I'm some days are okay, and then some days are unbearable without him. Please help. Thank you.
You should try to contact the FRG (Family Resource Group) for his boat if you can. The wives there can answer your questions. The bad thing though is that usually the soldier must give your info to them before you can communicate with them, but I would try anyway. I'm afraid that I would have to agree with your ex...my bf didn't tell me exactly when he would return, but he told me the month of his return. Your boyfriend was wrong to withhold all information from you. Good luck.