What to Do About Parent Approval of a Relationship
What if My Parents Don't Approve of My BF/GF?
Finding someone you love who loves you in return can be difficult. Then learning how to deal with conflicts within a relationship can be painful, as well. But there is an entire additional level of stress when, for some reason, you discover your parent(s) disapprove of the person you are dating.
This can make any dating relationship difficult and put a strain on your home life.
When you discover your parents strongly disapprove of your bf/gf, your first inclination will be to pull away from them and continue your dating relationship behind their back. This doesn't do anybody any good. Never secretly date someone your parents don't want you to date. Having secrets and lies between you and your parents ruins trust and causes needless stress and drama which will affect your self-esteem, grades, and even your other friends.
Just Because You Disagree Doesn't Make Your Parents Dumb
Just because they are your parents and you don't agree with them, that doesn't make them dumb. Although far from perfect, they have years of experience and wisdom that you don't have yet. This might enable them to see the character faults in your bf/gf a whole lot easier than you, especially if you're blinded by the deep emotions you feel for your bf/gf. It is worth pushing pause on your anger and emotions and considering whether your parents may be right. They have the advantage of perspective...they realize over 90% of high school dating ends up not working out. Parents remember their own good and bad choices while dating. They just want you to be protected from bad consequences that could affect the rest of your life.
The fact of the matter is, that most people spend very little time researching and getting to know the other person before they start dating them. They just jump into the relationship. Many parents' fears are well-founded. They have fears of unwanted pregnancy, date rape, drug use, physical abuse, or simply having their children get a needless and unnecessary broken heart.
What Are the Signs of a Toxic Relationship With Parents?
First of all, just because your parents don’t like who you’re dating doesn’t mean they’re toxic. It’s okay for them to have concerns–they love you, and they want your life to be easy and fulfilling. However, it’s pretty common for toxic parents to be hard to please, and if you’re working to address some conflict with them over your romantic partner, but they’re being unreasonable, there might be some toxicity in the family.
How do you know if your parents are toxic? Common signs of toxic parents are:
- They overreact or often have surprising, loud, large, or out-of-control emotional reactions.
- They think about everything in relation to themselves. For example, they might ask, “How could you do this to me?” about things that have nothing to do with them. They may also have a hard time with empathy for your feelings and experiences.
- They treat you as a main source of their emotional support, even if you’ve asked them not to, and even if they need support for things it’s inappropriate for them to talk to their child about.
- They don’t respect your boundaries. If you live with them, they go through your phone or diary, they don’t knock before they enter your room or the bathroom, or they tell your siblings things you said in confidence. If you don’t live with them, they call you constantly despite knowing your work schedule, or they show up at your home without asking first.
- They’re controlling. They use manipulation to get you to do what they want—guilt, money, the silent treatment, withholding love, etc.
- They’re extremely critical. They are never happy with what you do. If you get an A-, why wasn’t it an A+? If you get into college, why didn’t you get a full scholarship? If your team won a game, why weren’t you the top scorer? If you picked up your brother from school, why didn’t you feed him dinner? If you come home for Christmas, why aren’t you staying longer?
If you think you and your parents may have a toxic dynamic, the first thing you need to realize is that you cannot change them. They are who they are, and you can only change how you cope with and relate to them. A licensed therapist can help you figure out how to negotiate healthy boundaries with folks who aren’t necessarily going to respect those boundaries, so seek out counseling to address difficult family dynamics.
What Do Others Say?
Carolyn commented that her response to her parents' dislike of her boyfriend was to ask other people what they thought. They [my parents] said he lied, cheated, and I shouldn't be involved with him. They also said he pushed me around too much. So I thought about what they said and talked to more people. The more people I talked to, nobody wanted us together. It wasn't just my parents. Chances are, your parents have more wisdom than you do and it's a good idea to take their advice.
Solomon, the man God blessed with the greatest wisdom in the Bible, said something very similar. He said, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed." Proverbs 15:22 He also went on to say, "A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash." Proverbs 15:14
Be wise here. Search for knowledge about your bf/gf from many people, including your parents, and take their advice seriously.
Tips for Having a Successful Conversation With Your Parents
The best thing you can do is to sit down with your parents and calmly, with great respect, ask what it is they don't like about your bf/gf and what you can do to lessen their fears and objections. Another question you could ask them is, "What should my bf/gf do to win your trust?" Be willing to listen to what they have to say. Never argue with them about it. That never works. It only shows them you are too immature to be in the relationship they are so worried about.
They will appreciate your desire to learn from their wisdom and respect their point of view. Remember, most of the time they are right and who wants to gamble with the few times they might be wrong, just for the sake of having a bf/gf.
Ask your parents if they would be willing to meet with your bf/gf and have them explain their reservations to him/her. If your bf/gf refuses to meet with your parents, that's a sure sign he/she is not respectful to you or your parents.
What Do Parents Expect?
Sometimes parents' expectations for whom you should date can be too high, but often your expectations are too low. Are you willing to settle for someone who might be harmful to you in the long run, just because they appear to show interest in you in the short term? Your parents can help you answer that question without all the emotional fog you are experiencing.
Most parents will appreciate a bf/gf who treats you with respect and honesty. Someone who makes you a better person. If they observe that you are often sad or hurt, those are red flags for them. They will also appreciate someone who cares enough for you that they are willing to make an effort to get along with them.
As you identify the problems and come up with the plans to fix them, you will be well on your way to a more healthy and positive relationship between you, your bf/gf, and your parents. Don't forget, while boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, parents are forever.
How do you go about protecting and guarding your heart? Click here for the lies and truths on how to guard your heart in relationships.
i dated my boyfriend for 3 years ,, with my parents pretending to like him ,, we recently decided that we were going to have tie out for a short period , to give our selves time to miss each other... when y parents found out that i was back with him i was told if i was going to be with him i wasnt aloud to live at home , so in the moment of a huge fight i left,, they explained that they have never liked him saying that i was never aloud to come home while with him ,,, they started thretening him ... i made the decision that it was to hard having to watch our backs all the tie and left him.. my step dad then made a thret to y ex that if you cought us talking that he will be paying him a visit ......... i have been talking to him still and trying to see him but its so hard without getting cought ... how do they expect you to go from being with someone everyday for 3 years to not talking to them at all
I noticed this was a year ago so I was hoping you could give me some friendly advice. I've 17 and my boyfriend is 19 and we have been dating 2 1/2 years and my parents all of sudden forbid me to see him (never truly liking him in the first place). Luckily I don't think its come to the point of discussion that I have to move out, but it is very obvious that they will do anything in their power to make sure we don't see each other. What do you think I could do to change their minds on how they feel about him?
I'm in the same exact situation as u and also the same age but I got advice from a friend of mine and he told me to just go on with ur daily life and let whatever happens ride out bc in the long run you'll be of age to do what u want without ur parents and quite honestly our parents aren't gonna be around forever were gonna make our own decisions in life and Learn from our mistakes but What I said before just do u and ride out the storm and have a back up plan on ur contacts change his name to something else (a fake name) so if ur parents go threw ur phone they won't see him
I need help ...I'm 15 and my bf is 17 but my parents really don't like him anymore ...we dated for a year and 7 months ...his mom loves me but its just my parents think he's to old and yes but my mom did the same thing with my stepdad .he was 2 years older than her also ... We text and as we got further into our relationship he started talking about inappropriate things and I totally agree with them when it comes to that but the age thing , that's not fair
I'm literally dealing with the same thing except his mom passed away but his dad and stepmom love me and my mom dated older guys all the time, but they refuse to meet him for small things and are making threats to me to take stuff away if he shows up at any functions or places I'm at. Girl in the midst of this bs I can tell you that just love your bf and don't let this ruin things. Before you know it you guys will be older and it seems so far now, but if it is meant to be it will all work out how it should. Don't stress a thing.
Well i'm 14 years old and i understand that's a little young to be dating but i'm actually quite mature for my age . i started dating my current boyfriend about 2 months ago and we were together before(for 1 year) , we just decided that maybe it was time to split . so everything has been great until my mom found out that he does drugs (he is the same age as me) and ever since then she has said nothing except negative things about him. He respects me and i respect him and i feel as if no matter what he does she shouldn't judge him. we go to different schools and we haven't seen each other at all since we have been together . my mom and him talked on the phone and it didn't go to well . my mother says that since he doesn't "respect" her , he won't respect me . but this has been going on for a while now and i'm stressed and frustrated and i have noticed it has brought my whole mood down lately because i think i am torn between the two. i have no clue what to do , can you help me ?
You are 14. Choose your mom over a boy because I hate to break it to you but most 14 year olds don't usually stay with their one and only forever while family is forever
You should keep your mother, as boyfriends come and go, but parents are forever. If you can talk him into trying to show your mother that he respects her, then you might be able to keep them both.
recently I have been seeing this guy, he is 6 years older than me. I have been with a person older than me before and it didn't work so I understand that my mum will be anxious when I tell her but I am afraid that because he dresses a little more casual than most and because he has gone through a lot in his life my mum would be afraid I will become his counsellor. I just do not know what to do when I tell her because I am scared she will say I should not be with him but he hasn't hurt me or the people in my life, he is honest with me and people do not say bad things abut him. he just lacks a little self esteem, what should I do?
I love someone who's black and my parents don't approve. I've been hiding it from them talking to him. What should I do?
First you need to ask yourself if you really love him and if he really loves you. You need to know if its serious or your parents may not take you seriously. If they haven't heard about him before, try introducing him as a friend and let your parents see him in a perspective other then your boyfriend. If this method has been working and your parents think he's a nice guy then sit them down and break the news to them. Try doing this on a day when your parents are in a good mood. Try doing chores without them asking you for the day, and when you can see they are impressed with you, tell them.
If the reason they don't like him is because he is black, if they haven't met him or know that he's black, try talking about him, not mentioning that he's black, only talk about his good sides, but don't let it slip that you're dating. Then if they think he sounds nice, introduce him to your parents. They will be a little shocked, but if they heard all this good stuff about him, they might accept it.
If they have met him, and still disapprove, then try talking about this new guy, but make sure your bf doesn't know or it
I'm in the same sort of situation but mine is not colour mine is to do with country and I'm scared to let the person who likes me that I dnt feel the same even tho I do have a bit of feelings I only wanna tell him I'm not interested in a relationship so no war starts in my family because of a boy that I know my life will not last with and we are only 16. I just don't know how to put it to him that I dnt feel the same way. It's hard when ur parents are discriminative with which country someone is from.
my parents are the same way. my brother has the same issue. He doesn't really care what people think. if you really like this person i say go for it! even if its yor parents. but don't let that person get in between yall. your parents love you.