What to Do About Parent Approval of a Relationship
What if My Parents Don't Approve of My BF/GF?
Finding someone you love who loves you in return can be difficult. Then learning how to deal with conflicts within a relationship can be painful, as well. But there is an entire additional level of stress when, for some reason, you discover your parent(s) disapprove of the person you are dating.
This can make any dating relationship difficult and put a strain on your home life.
When you discover your parents strongly disapprove of your bf/gf, your first inclination will be to pull away from them and continue your dating relationship behind their back. This doesn't do anybody any good. Never secretly date someone your parents don't want you to date. Having secrets and lies between you and your parents ruins trust and causes needless stress and drama which will affect your self-esteem, grades, and even your other friends.
Just Because You Disagree Doesn't Make Your Parents Dumb
Just because they are your parents and you don't agree with them, that doesn't make them dumb. Although far from perfect, they have years of experience and wisdom that you don't have yet. This might enable them to see the character faults in your bf/gf a whole lot easier than you, especially if you're blinded by the deep emotions you feel for your bf/gf. It is worth pushing pause on your anger and emotions and considering whether your parents may be right. They have the advantage of perspective...they realize over 90% of high school dating ends up not working out. Parents remember their own good and bad choices while dating. They just want you to be protected from bad consequences that could affect the rest of your life.
The fact of the matter is, that most people spend very little time researching and getting to know the other person before they start dating them. They just jump into the relationship. Many parents' fears are well-founded. They have fears of unwanted pregnancy, date rape, drug use, physical abuse, or simply having their children get a needless and unnecessary broken heart.
What Are the Signs of a Toxic Relationship With Parents?
First of all, just because your parents don’t like who you’re dating doesn’t mean they’re toxic. It’s okay for them to have concerns–they love you, and they want your life to be easy and fulfilling. However, it’s pretty common for toxic parents to be hard to please, and if you’re working to address some conflict with them over your romantic partner, but they’re being unreasonable, there might be some toxicity in the family.
How do you know if your parents are toxic? Common signs of toxic parents are:
- They overreact or often have surprising, loud, large, or out-of-control emotional reactions.
- They think about everything in relation to themselves. For example, they might ask, “How could you do this to me?” about things that have nothing to do with them. They may also have a hard time with empathy for your feelings and experiences.
- They treat you as a main source of their emotional support, even if you’ve asked them not to, and even if they need support for things it’s inappropriate for them to talk to their child about.
- They don’t respect your boundaries. If you live with them, they go through your phone or diary, they don’t knock before they enter your room or the bathroom, or they tell your siblings things you said in confidence. If you don’t live with them, they call you constantly despite knowing your work schedule, or they show up at your home without asking first.
- They’re controlling. They use manipulation to get you to do what they want—guilt, money, the silent treatment, withholding love, etc.
- They’re extremely critical. They are never happy with what you do. If you get an A-, why wasn’t it an A+? If you get into college, why didn’t you get a full scholarship? If your team won a game, why weren’t you the top scorer? If you picked up your brother from school, why didn’t you feed him dinner? If you come home for Christmas, why aren’t you staying longer?
If you think you and your parents may have a toxic dynamic, the first thing you need to realize is that you cannot change them. They are who they are, and you can only change how you cope with and relate to them. A licensed therapist can help you figure out how to negotiate healthy boundaries with folks who aren’t necessarily going to respect those boundaries, so seek out counseling to address difficult family dynamics.
What Do Others Say?
Carolyn commented that her response to her parents' dislike of her boyfriend was to ask other people what they thought. They [my parents] said he lied, cheated, and I shouldn't be involved with him. They also said he pushed me around too much. So I thought about what they said and talked to more people. The more people I talked to, nobody wanted us together. It wasn't just my parents. Chances are, your parents have more wisdom than you do and it's a good idea to take their advice.
Solomon, the man God blessed with the greatest wisdom in the Bible, said something very similar. He said, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed." Proverbs 15:22 He also went on to say, "A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash." Proverbs 15:14
Be wise here. Search for knowledge about your bf/gf from many people, including your parents, and take their advice seriously.
Tips for Having a Successful Conversation With Your Parents
The best thing you can do is to sit down with your parents and calmly, with great respect, ask what it is they don't like about your bf/gf and what you can do to lessen their fears and objections. Another question you could ask them is, "What should my bf/gf do to win your trust?" Be willing to listen to what they have to say. Never argue with them about it. That never works. It only shows them you are too immature to be in the relationship they are so worried about.
They will appreciate your desire to learn from their wisdom and respect their point of view. Remember, most of the time they are right and who wants to gamble with the few times they might be wrong, just for the sake of having a bf/gf.
Ask your parents if they would be willing to meet with your bf/gf and have them explain their reservations to him/her. If your bf/gf refuses to meet with your parents, that's a sure sign he/she is not respectful to you or your parents.
What Do Parents Expect?
Sometimes parents' expectations for whom you should date can be too high, but often your expectations are too low. Are you willing to settle for someone who might be harmful to you in the long run, just because they appear to show interest in you in the short term? Your parents can help you answer that question without all the emotional fog you are experiencing.
Most parents will appreciate a bf/gf who treats you with respect and honesty. Someone who makes you a better person. If they observe that you are often sad or hurt, those are red flags for them. They will also appreciate someone who cares enough for you that they are willing to make an effort to get along with them.
As you identify the problems and come up with the plans to fix them, you will be well on your way to a more healthy and positive relationship between you, your bf/gf, and your parents. Don't forget, while boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, parents are forever.
How do you go about protecting and guarding your heart? Click here for the lies and truths on how to guard your heart in relationships.
Hi I'm a 19 year old female and I am in college. I recently started seeing a guy that I went to highschool with, and by recently I mean since January. He is in the army and was gone for training until the middle of February, but he was allowed to have his phone so we talked everyday. Since he's been back I have tried to tell my parents about him but unfortunately they only see what they want to see. His parents were arrested 10 years ago for drugs and child neglect, on his mothers part, but they have gotten sober since then and haven't had any issues since then. My parents have also had a rough past; they've tried every drug you can think of, they've dealt with lots and lots of underage drinking and sex, prostitution, unreported abuse, unreported neglect, etc. etc I also have a birth mom who is a drug addict and an alcoholic to this day and when I lived with her I too was subjected to neglect. However, my stepmom and my dad got better and have had no issues since. Well, my parents refused to give the guy I like a chance. They say that because they heard from some random girl my mom works with that he has been sleeping with her cousin lately. But what they refuse to listen to is that the girl he is accused of sleeping with is his cousin too! They have said that if I want to see him then I can get out of their house. But the problem is that my car is still in their name, I have $1000 worth of debt that they charged in my name so my credit is a 400, and I have been paying them $700 a month to live in the house. I don't know what to do. I really truly like him and they haven't even met him yet before they have decided against it. Please help me. I don't know what to do.
I am sorry this is such a long one but I really need help!!
I fell in love with someone 12 years older than me and he really fell for me too. I am 19 and he is 31. When we are together we don't feel the age differences. To be honest it feels like our ages are a lie. On top of that I am considered quite mature for my age. People always think I am older than I am until I tell them. However as much as that is the case my mom still says there are things that I do that are still my age. In regards to the guy: he, my mom and I all work in the same industry which is very large. There are pieces all over the city and lots of people know each other and work together off and on. It is not that my mom doesn't like him, but she does think he is too old for me and doesn't like that even though she said to him that I am to young for him, a few months later he found me on fb and we started talking. I met him briefly in December 2014 and our connection was immediate!! We got along so well!! I thought he was maybe 25ish but later found out he was 30. It didn't phase me because we didn't exchange numbers or have each other's Facebook or whatever so I walked away and pretty much forgot about him. Then in March 2015 he fumbled onto my Facebook page and we became friends. Then we started talking for about two weeks and then he asked me to go for dinner with him. My mom and really nobody knew we were talking until I told my mom I was going out that night with him for dinner. My mom was shocked, but I went and after thinking about it for a day she "put a stop to it". She said "if you guys are meant to be then you will meet up again when you are older when you have had more life experience, in maybe 5 years. If you guys run into each other then and your connection is still strong then go for it." She said that to me and to him because after I told him I wasn't able to talk to him anymore he asked to meet up with her.
I tried to get over him, but I couldn't. I tried to move on so I never wrote him but, he would write me randomly and out of the blue saying how hard it was for him and how amazing I was and how lucky anybody who spends time with me is, etc. and I think that is part of the reason why I had such a hard time moving on. He even remembered my birthday 5 months later after I had only told him once. I had a terrible year to do with this guy! The only time I was ok was when I was distracted by work or something, but driving or being home where things are calm... that is when it was hard. I have dealt with depression for years and in the past couple of years it has really grown. It has even come to points where I feel helpless and I don't know what to do. I have had a very bad time finding guys that I am into, who are into me back, or if they are into me but I don't feel incredibly uncomfortable around them... But I tried! I honestly tried! I would put myself out there and talk to other guys and go on dinner dates, but as I would drive to the restaurant the only guy I would be thinking about was not the person I was meeting for dinner. Since I only met him 2 times (the first time we met in December 2014 and then when we meet for dinner in March 2015) and only talked to him, texting, for two weeks I was considered obsessed. I even started going to a counsellor because it was so hard for me. I would talk to my mom about it but she wanted me to just move on. She always says she is there for me with anything that I need to talk to her about but I feel like this topic eventually was a hard one to talk about with her.
At the beginning of this year (March 2016) we ran into each other again... I was having a hard enough time about it around that time, but after I ran into him it was unbearable! I have one friend that I am open with about everything and all through the year I would tell her about what was going on. At one point in a couple weeks after running into him I was so lost and helpless and didn't know what to do so I called her and was crying and said maybe I could start talk to him and see how it goes, not tell anybody and then if it is as good as it seems then I can tell my family. She was against that, but after our conversations she said I needed to make my own decision and eventually I made the decision that I was going to talk to him because I can make decisions in my own life.... Right? So I did. And we talked and it WAS as good as it seemed. We talked, and I was comfortable, and he was very sweet, kind and was very excited when we started talking again. My friend who didn't approve at first saw how much he was into me and ended up being for us talking again (btw she is older than me too, 29). I think I fell in love. I have never fallen in love before so I don't want to be like those movies where the girl is like "but mom I love him!", but I actually think I do. Sadly though I lied to my family (which I never do!!) I was just so helpless and I gave up on trying to please them... But three weeks later my mother and grandmother found out.... (The only two people who know) I was going to be strong and stand up to my mom and tell her that we are still going to see each other, but I just can't ever do that! I always do what she wants but the thing is she does everything because she loves me, not because she is being abusive. So it is hard because I don't want hurt her or be stupid, young and irresponsible. However I also need to make my own decisions. Right? She suggested that I go away out of the country for a few months so both her and I left to Europe. I left everything. I told him I was going away and that we could talk when I got back. I said that this didn't necessarily mean we were over I just have a lot of things that I need to figure out about life, my life, and myself and I before anything I needed to go and do that. So now I am here in another country. While I am here I decided to go 100% off social media. I am not in contact with anybody from home, no friends friends and only my grandma for family because I want to give what my mom wants a full shot as well I do not want my opinions to be persuaded by any thing but myself.
As much as I try I still can't get over him!!!! I think about him all the time and I just want to cry! Not just sniff sniff type of cry, but I want to bawl in hopes it will make me feel better and take away the terrible feeling inside me. I don't have anyone to talk to and that kills as well. I don't want anyone here knowing about my problems in Canada so I have no one here to talk to, and my best friend and I aren't talking right now because first of all I am away and second I think she is a little frustrated that I didn't stick to what I thought was right for me. So I don't have her, and I don't feel I can talk to my mom about I because I already know she doesn't want me to talk to him, see him, date him or whatever right now. It kills me!! I feel so alone!
I feel like she is being very controlling, but she does everything because she loves me so I don't want to hurt her. She annoys me so much though! I hate living at home and have for a few years now. I want to leave and do what I want, but I want to be responsible. Am I just being an irresponsible typical teenager? I want to tell her what I want to do and the decisions I want to make but I always end up going with what she wants. I don't know if that is what I should do because she knows lots or if I need to start making my own decisions and doing what makes me happy. However if jumping off a bridge with no protection made me happy and I did it despite what people said then I would surely die..... Obviously I am not going to die with this decision, but I don't want to make a mistake like that. You know what I mean? My mother became pregnant with me when she was 21 and her any my biological father (who was never in my life) never stayed together and I am her only child. So she is very protective of me, she doesn't want me to end up in the same position as her, and she wants me to be the best that I can be. I totally get that! So I am not sure if I need to learn to stand up to my mother and tell her what I want and do it and take whatever comes to me or if I should take her advice.
I am here in this country and while I am here, so that I can go home and say I made a full effort, I am putting myself out there to meet guys, and friends, and I am trying to do all things more the way she wants. I don't want to fight too much and make myself seem crazier than I already feel because I want to be able to go back and have the option to say "hey, I did what you want. Now it is my turn to do what I want". I have made friends, and I have even met some guys. One who is really into me. I got excited and liked him, but now I am back to the only person I think about is my guy from home. And that is why I am writing this, because I am helpless. All the people who know the story think my guy is super into me and think that I should stand up to my mom. But then my mom doesn't think so. I don't know who is right. If my friends, support and myself don't know what is best for me and my mom does, or if my friends, support and what I want are right and my mom needs to just get used to it. I don't want to be one of those girls running solely on her feelings and not thinking about what is best for her or for her future because I have a very bright future ahead of me if I don't mess my life up. However I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside. Am I just being dramatic and short sighted and should I just go to a psychiatrist and pick up the pieces in my life and get over this guy like a bad break up. Or when I go back home should I stand up to my mom and see him again. I want to hear opinions from people who aren't on either side. People completely removed who can give honest opinions. People who have experienced this before, or know someone who has.
Please help me!!! I am so lost!!! I just want to talk to someone and hear what I really honestly should do.
It says to sit down with your parents and talk with them calmly but what if they're the ones who won't stay calm and avoid talking about him. What could I do then?
I love someone who is deeply caring, loving, but has a bad past with her family life, and is living with a suicidal roomate in a trashy apartment... But I love her for her, willing to accept her past, truly care for he, but my parents dont want me into drama... or trashy part of town... help...
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years in November. He has been through depression and therefore hasn't worked because he was signed off on sick. My parents think that he is using that as an excuse to not work and is lazy and are so rude about him and his family. I have had arguments with my mum all week since coming back from seeing my boyfriend and my dad is completely blanking me and will not even acknowledge me. I feel like I am going to go insane and I am so angry because I am 18 and it is my life and choice who I go out with and if I have faith in him that he will get a job once he's ready, then that's my decision? I always understand and see from my parent's point of view but when it is constantly being brought up it makes you go mad. What they do not realise is that the more they go on about it, the stronger me and my boyfriend get. So, more fool them. Don't let parents stop you from making your decisions. It is difficult when you're under 18 and legally you have to do what your parents tell you to do, but it will get easier. If it carries on I am just going to move out and live with my boyfriend.