What to Do About Parent Approval of a Relationship
What if My Parents Don't Approve of My BF/GF?
Finding someone you love who loves you in return can be difficult. Then learning how to deal with conflicts within a relationship can be painful, as well. But there is an entire additional level of stress when, for some reason, you discover your parent(s) disapprove of the person you are dating.
This can make any dating relationship difficult and put a strain on your home life.
When you discover your parents strongly disapprove of your bf/gf, your first inclination will be to pull away from them and continue your dating relationship behind their back. This doesn't do anybody any good. Never secretly date someone your parents don't want you to date. Having secrets and lies between you and your parents ruins trust and causes needless stress and drama which will affect your self-esteem, grades, and even your other friends.
Just Because You Disagree Doesn't Make Your Parents Dumb
Just because they are your parents and you don't agree with them, that doesn't make them dumb. Although far from perfect, they have years of experience and wisdom that you don't have yet. This might enable them to see the character faults in your bf/gf a whole lot easier than you, especially if you're blinded by the deep emotions you feel for your bf/gf. It is worth pushing pause on your anger and emotions and considering whether your parents may be right. They have the advantage of perspective...they realize over 90% of high school dating ends up not working out. Parents remember their own good and bad choices while dating. They just want you to be protected from bad consequences that could affect the rest of your life.
The fact of the matter is, that most people spend very little time researching and getting to know the other person before they start dating them. They just jump into the relationship. Many parents' fears are well-founded. They have fears of unwanted pregnancy, date rape, drug use, physical abuse, or simply having their children get a needless and unnecessary broken heart.
What Are the Signs of a Toxic Relationship With Parents?
First of all, just because your parents don’t like who you’re dating doesn’t mean they’re toxic. It’s okay for them to have concerns–they love you, and they want your life to be easy and fulfilling. However, it’s pretty common for toxic parents to be hard to please, and if you’re working to address some conflict with them over your romantic partner, but they’re being unreasonable, there might be some toxicity in the family.
How do you know if your parents are toxic? Common signs of toxic parents are:
- They overreact or often have surprising, loud, large, or out-of-control emotional reactions.
- They think about everything in relation to themselves. For example, they might ask, “How could you do this to me?” about things that have nothing to do with them. They may also have a hard time with empathy for your feelings and experiences.
- They treat you as a main source of their emotional support, even if you’ve asked them not to, and even if they need support for things it’s inappropriate for them to talk to their child about.
- They don’t respect your boundaries. If you live with them, they go through your phone or diary, they don’t knock before they enter your room or the bathroom, or they tell your siblings things you said in confidence. If you don’t live with them, they call you constantly despite knowing your work schedule, or they show up at your home without asking first.
- They’re controlling. They use manipulation to get you to do what they want—guilt, money, the silent treatment, withholding love, etc.
- They’re extremely critical. They are never happy with what you do. If you get an A-, why wasn’t it an A+? If you get into college, why didn’t you get a full scholarship? If your team won a game, why weren’t you the top scorer? If you picked up your brother from school, why didn’t you feed him dinner? If you come home for Christmas, why aren’t you staying longer?
If you think you and your parents may have a toxic dynamic, the first thing you need to realize is that you cannot change them. They are who they are, and you can only change how you cope with and relate to them. A licensed therapist can help you figure out how to negotiate healthy boundaries with folks who aren’t necessarily going to respect those boundaries, so seek out counseling to address difficult family dynamics.
What Do Others Say?
Carolyn commented that her response to her parents' dislike of her boyfriend was to ask other people what they thought. They [my parents] said he lied, cheated, and I shouldn't be involved with him. They also said he pushed me around too much. So I thought about what they said and talked to more people. The more people I talked to, nobody wanted us together. It wasn't just my parents. Chances are, your parents have more wisdom than you do and it's a good idea to take their advice.
Solomon, the man God blessed with the greatest wisdom in the Bible, said something very similar. He said, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed." Proverbs 15:22 He also went on to say, "A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash." Proverbs 15:14
Be wise here. Search for knowledge about your bf/gf from many people, including your parents, and take their advice seriously.
Tips for Having a Successful Conversation With Your Parents
The best thing you can do is to sit down with your parents and calmly, with great respect, ask what it is they don't like about your bf/gf and what you can do to lessen their fears and objections. Another question you could ask them is, "What should my bf/gf do to win your trust?" Be willing to listen to what they have to say. Never argue with them about it. That never works. It only shows them you are too immature to be in the relationship they are so worried about.
They will appreciate your desire to learn from their wisdom and respect their point of view. Remember, most of the time they are right and who wants to gamble with the few times they might be wrong, just for the sake of having a bf/gf.
Ask your parents if they would be willing to meet with your bf/gf and have them explain their reservations to him/her. If your bf/gf refuses to meet with your parents, that's a sure sign he/she is not respectful to you or your parents.
What Do Parents Expect?
Sometimes parents' expectations for whom you should date can be too high, but often your expectations are too low. Are you willing to settle for someone who might be harmful to you in the long run, just because they appear to show interest in you in the short term? Your parents can help you answer that question without all the emotional fog you are experiencing.
Most parents will appreciate a bf/gf who treats you with respect and honesty. Someone who makes you a better person. If they observe that you are often sad or hurt, those are red flags for them. They will also appreciate someone who cares enough for you that they are willing to make an effort to get along with them.
As you identify the problems and come up with the plans to fix them, you will be well on your way to a more healthy and positive relationship between you, your bf/gf, and your parents. Don't forget, while boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, parents are forever.
How do you go about protecting and guarding your heart? Click here for the lies and truths on how to guard your heart in relationships.
Hello, So I am a recent Doctoral Grad in Music Performance. It is hard to get a big music job right out of school so I have a cust service job in the health field for the time being that pays the bills. My needs are met all the time and I have 2 parents that will do anything for me to ensure that my needs are met. I am dating a guy that I met at church. He grew up with an alcoholic mother who was verbally abusive. No one encouraged him to go to school but he went to bible college and 2 other schools but never finished because of life and his grandmother getting ill. He took care of her until she died and started to manage his own business in graphic design. He loves God and wants to please Him but is lacking financial stability right now because of how hard it is to get contracts year round. He also struggles with needing basic life advice because of the lack of parental figures in his life. He tries to get this from our Pastor as well as others but always feels like they come up short because of him not being a top priority.
Another huge issue that is arising is my parents requesting that he go back to school to get his degree. Because of his financial situation and his exhausting of student loans, him going to finish his degree is not a possibility right now. So he is working hard to get other certifications in order to get a higher paying full time job outside of his business. The end goal is financial stability. Regardless of how he gets there, as long as he works hard and he honors God that's all that matters.
We both are afraid that my parents will get hung up on his lack of degree esp because they feel like he will eventually get jealous of me and my 3 degrees which will lead to fights and divorce as other family members have experienced.
I told my bf to focus on the vertical relationship to please God with His life, to pursue those things which bring Him peace, and to not worry about pleasing men or getting fulfillment through the outpouring of men into his life because men will always let him Down. The only person who won't let us down is God. We know God's standard. If we are meeting God's standard my dad will notice and be comfortable with him being in my life. How can a parent who is spirit led not acknowledge another man pleasing God? Also, won't God honor us by us honoring God?
With this being said, we both still struggle with meeting this (my dad's) standard of success financially or academically in order to get my Father's approval. I'm afraid to share things about my bf with my parents because I feel like they already showed that he wasn't good enough even though they didn't say that. I didn't even tell them that I threw him a surprise bday party because I felt like they were going to say that I was being financially irresponsible. He was offended that I didn't share that with them. I told him that I just have to pick and choose my battles and things are only on a need to know basis with them. How can we live live free in Christ without feeling bogged down with the expectations that they have which are very subjective but somewhat understandable given the fact that 1) they love me 2) I'm their child 3) they want the best for me 4) they want to please god 5) they don't want me to end up with someone who is not the best for me.
I want to honor my parents and honor God without disrespecting them. At this point, what should my bf and I be focused on? How can we honor my parents while also honoring God. Should we even be worried that my parents will forever be controlling my life with their opinions of success?
We just need a lot of counsel and we can't seem to find people to give us advice. We do have GOd but it's easy to feel alone; What should we do?
It does sound like you are both under a lot of pressure, but you are also focused on the right things and depending upon God first and foremost. Pastors can be really really busy. Is there an older couple that you respect and admire? Titus chapter 2 talks about the importance of women mentoring women and there is also the example of Paul mentoring Timothy. Maybe the Pastor can help you find a Godly couple who will give wise counsel and support.
Me and my boyfriend are 16 we've been dating for 2 years now. We go to different high schools so seeing each other is really hard. He comes over a lot to my house on the weekends. His family invites me to a lot of events they have or just to go over to their house. Yet my parents told me they will never allow me to go over to his house...His family is so nive his step dad is a cop and his mom is a nurse. They are nice and they are concern why I'm not allowed to go over since me and their son have been dating for so long and I've never gone to one of their family events. yet he comes to all of mine... i don't understand why my parents won't allow me to...
Hi .im 25yrs of age and my bf is of muslim fate . However i grew up in both a christian and hindu home . Irs been 7yrs we are together and want to get married . I love my parents alot and i dont wana hurt then what can i do ..
I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 21. We've been together for over a year and my parents literally hate him. He is a hairdresser and he has a lot of tattoos and stretched ears and they call him freak. At first, they weren't so negative about him and that's why I was telling them everything since the day I met him, I told them I was with him and I even asked my mum if I could stay at his place at night after our date but one day we had a fight (like every normal couple) and that's when my parents started HATING him for good. After that they didn't even want to hear his name, they didn't want me to be with him so I told them that we broke up. After some months my mum found out that I was lying to them and she was really mad at me and she told me that she wouldn't tell anything to my father and she forbid me to go at his house or let him do my hair ever again. The situation between me and my mum wasn't as good as before so I told her that we broke up (again). She had kinda lost her confidence in me so she knew deep inside that I was lying to her again. A few days ago I was at his house and she found out and when I came home she was furious, she was swearing and she was calling me and him names and after that she pulled my hair and slapped me. She said that she would tell my father, that she would kick me out of the house if I continue my relationship with him and that she would hire someone to beat him up. Now she doesn't talk to me and she treats me like crap and I don't know what to do. I can't just leave the house and go to his place because she will find him. I can't go to his house or sleep over at a friend's house because she won't believe me. I'm really sad.
She sounds extremely abusive and you need to have a conversation with her or get a place with him/a friend and move out.
i just broke up with my boyfriend. we've been together for like 1 year and 10 months. he gor hurt by his ex and that's his reason as to why he controls what i wear, who i talk to, what i do and i lost my friends because of him and my parents trust. not to mention my parents hate him as well. its been a few days since our breakup and im having mixed feelings. did i do the right thing breaking up with him? he keeps texting me saying he loves me but i just dont know anymore.