What to Do About Parent Approval of a Relationship
What if My Parents Don't Approve of My BF/GF?
Finding someone you love who loves you in return can be difficult. Then learning how to deal with conflicts within a relationship can be painful, as well. But there is an entire additional level of stress when, for some reason, you discover your parent(s) disapprove of the person you are dating.
This can make any dating relationship difficult and put a strain on your home life.
When you discover your parents strongly disapprove of your bf/gf, your first inclination will be to pull away from them and continue your dating relationship behind their back. This doesn't do anybody any good. Never secretly date someone your parents don't want you to date. Having secrets and lies between you and your parents ruins trust and causes needless stress and drama which will affect your self-esteem, grades, and even your other friends.
Just Because You Disagree Doesn't Make Your Parents Dumb
Just because they are your parents and you don't agree with them, that doesn't make them dumb. Although far from perfect, they have years of experience and wisdom that you don't have yet. This might enable them to see the character faults in your bf/gf a whole lot easier than you, especially if you're blinded by the deep emotions you feel for your bf/gf. It is worth pushing pause on your anger and emotions and considering whether your parents may be right. They have the advantage of perspective...they realize over 90% of high school dating ends up not working out. Parents remember their own good and bad choices while dating. They just want you to be protected from bad consequences that could affect the rest of your life.
The fact of the matter is, that most people spend very little time researching and getting to know the other person before they start dating them. They just jump into the relationship. Many parents' fears are well-founded. They have fears of unwanted pregnancy, date rape, drug use, physical abuse, or simply having their children get a needless and unnecessary broken heart.
What Are the Signs of a Toxic Relationship With Parents?
First of all, just because your parents don’t like who you’re dating doesn’t mean they’re toxic. It’s okay for them to have concerns–they love you, and they want your life to be easy and fulfilling. However, it’s pretty common for toxic parents to be hard to please, and if you’re working to address some conflict with them over your romantic partner, but they’re being unreasonable, there might be some toxicity in the family.
How do you know if your parents are toxic? Common signs of toxic parents are:
- They overreact or often have surprising, loud, large, or out-of-control emotional reactions.
- They think about everything in relation to themselves. For example, they might ask, “How could you do this to me?” about things that have nothing to do with them. They may also have a hard time with empathy for your feelings and experiences.
- They treat you as a main source of their emotional support, even if you’ve asked them not to, and even if they need support for things it’s inappropriate for them to talk to their child about.
- They don’t respect your boundaries. If you live with them, they go through your phone or diary, they don’t knock before they enter your room or the bathroom, or they tell your siblings things you said in confidence. If you don’t live with them, they call you constantly despite knowing your work schedule, or they show up at your home without asking first.
- They’re controlling. They use manipulation to get you to do what they want—guilt, money, the silent treatment, withholding love, etc.
- They’re extremely critical. They are never happy with what you do. If you get an A-, why wasn’t it an A+? If you get into college, why didn’t you get a full scholarship? If your team won a game, why weren’t you the top scorer? If you picked up your brother from school, why didn’t you feed him dinner? If you come home for Christmas, why aren’t you staying longer?
If you think you and your parents may have a toxic dynamic, the first thing you need to realize is that you cannot change them. They are who they are, and you can only change how you cope with and relate to them. A licensed therapist can help you figure out how to negotiate healthy boundaries with folks who aren’t necessarily going to respect those boundaries, so seek out counseling to address difficult family dynamics.
What Do Others Say?
Carolyn commented that her response to her parents' dislike of her boyfriend was to ask other people what they thought. They [my parents] said he lied, cheated, and I shouldn't be involved with him. They also said he pushed me around too much. So I thought about what they said and talked to more people. The more people I talked to, nobody wanted us together. It wasn't just my parents. Chances are, your parents have more wisdom than you do and it's a good idea to take their advice.
Solomon, the man God blessed with the greatest wisdom in the Bible, said something very similar. He said, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed." Proverbs 15:22 He also went on to say, "A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash." Proverbs 15:14
Be wise here. Search for knowledge about your bf/gf from many people, including your parents, and take their advice seriously.
Tips for Having a Successful Conversation With Your Parents
The best thing you can do is to sit down with your parents and calmly, with great respect, ask what it is they don't like about your bf/gf and what you can do to lessen their fears and objections. Another question you could ask them is, "What should my bf/gf do to win your trust?" Be willing to listen to what they have to say. Never argue with them about it. That never works. It only shows them you are too immature to be in the relationship they are so worried about.
They will appreciate your desire to learn from their wisdom and respect their point of view. Remember, most of the time they are right and who wants to gamble with the few times they might be wrong, just for the sake of having a bf/gf.
Ask your parents if they would be willing to meet with your bf/gf and have them explain their reservations to him/her. If your bf/gf refuses to meet with your parents, that's a sure sign he/she is not respectful to you or your parents.
What Do Parents Expect?
Sometimes parents' expectations for whom you should date can be too high, but often your expectations are too low. Are you willing to settle for someone who might be harmful to you in the long run, just because they appear to show interest in you in the short term? Your parents can help you answer that question without all the emotional fog you are experiencing.
Most parents will appreciate a bf/gf who treats you with respect and honesty. Someone who makes you a better person. If they observe that you are often sad or hurt, those are red flags for them. They will also appreciate someone who cares enough for you that they are willing to make an effort to get along with them.
As you identify the problems and come up with the plans to fix them, you will be well on your way to a more healthy and positive relationship between you, your bf/gf, and your parents. Don't forget, while boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, parents are forever.
How do you go about protecting and guarding your heart? Click here for the lies and truths on how to guard your heart in relationships.
I have been with this guy for 6 months now, Ive just turned 17 and he’s 20, and my parents still can’t fully accept him, due to the age difference, even though there is 9 years between my mum and dad.... My boyfriend become an important part of my life, however I still live the life I want to live as a 17yearold girl (just as my parents want). However after being with him for 6months, my parents still will not let him stay over, not even in seperate rooms at opposite ends of the house, and this is tearing me and my boyfriend apart as he has to constantly drive me around everywhere just to see me and we have to watch our friends (mine who are a similar age to me and his a similar age to him) be able to do this and more. I feel like I’m trapped in this horrible place behind a brick wall, as I partially understand my parents and cannot rebel against them as they do a lot for me, but by not rebelling I’m having to see how much upset and frustration it’s causing both me and my boyfriend and it’s tearing me apart that they can’t fully accept him into my life.
So I have been talking to this girl that is Turkish for the past two months and recently we found out that we both really like each other. The only problem is that her mother does not want her to be with someone who is non-Turkish. Me and this girl really care about each other and want to start a true relationship but we can't due to what her mother wants. She is afraid to talk to her mom about it because she fears that the answer will be an automatic no but she really wants her mom to see that I am truly a great person. Any advice? thanks.
My boyfriend and I, both are 17, we dated for 9 months . During that time, I was emotional, immature, insecure and had some self-destructive behavior problems. I was his first real gf, he was my third, but most serious bf. Both families liked us together, but my emotional state caused lots of problems. We are 1.5 hours apart, which was really hard on us. We wanted to see each other all the time, but only got to see each other on weekends. My insecurity got pretty bad, he asked my parents for help dealing with me. Once they got involved, they saw there were some issues and we decided I would start therapy. I went for 4 months, with some resistance to most of it. Then, we had a pretty big communication failure and he ended the relationship. We didn't speak for 3 months, but he kept in contact with my family. I finally reached out to him to make him "go away" and leave me & my family alone. I was so mad that he dropped me without another word. After I sent him an angry message, we talked for hours. He regretted so much and was scared to contact me. He thought I was better off without him; however, I was miserable while trying to get over him. I was filling all of my time with people & activities - he saw it as moving on. We started talking again, lots of apologies and many of the good feelings were still there. He knew through my family I had been making changes. Big obstacle, his dad really opposes a 2.0 us. He thinks I'm too emotional and not a good fit. My parents see the changes in me, he sees changes in me, but his dad has basically forbidden it. He respects (or fears) his dad too much to sneak around. His mom is ok with a 2.0 if we have talked about our original break up and have come to terms with making some changes. His mom can't change his dad's mind and he has the final say on it. He cares deeply about me & I about him, but he has chosen to put us on hold for a while. That hurts me too. He wants to keep texting & talking. I'm hurt and confused & he doesn't want to give up. I wish there was hope his dad will give us a second chance. He's a great guy, driven, kind and respectful, but knows he has a lot to learn about having a gf. I've made some positive changes in my behavior, my parents are cautiously complimentary of my changes. Amazingly, my parents have always trusted us to do whatever we've wanted, they say it's because we respect all the rules. Sex has never been a "goal" for either of us. It's always been that "something for the future". We both feel like we have more "relationship" to experience with each other. Sure it would be great if we are a forever couple, but the most we are hoping for now is just the chance to see where we could take a second chance. I don't want to date anyone else, nor does he, right now we are miserably stuck, it's been 6 weeks since we started talking again. We've seen each other 3 times now and he and his dad have been at each other over us so much recently he just can't take it anymore - so he's put us on hold. Advice???
Well my mom doesn't want me to date this one boy , because she believes he is a terrible influence. He really isn't though . He is like every regular teen . He just turned 18 in October but my mother doesn't approve of him , because she read our messages which were not bad at all , but the only thing was he talked about his mom ,and how they aren't on good terms. He is extremely sweet , and kind , and I just totally admire him so much! He is Black and Hawaiian , and also very respectful. I honestly don't know what to do ? And I really need some advice. Someone Help?
So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half now and my family has always been Christian and in the beginning of our relationship they loved him! But as soon as they found out we had sex (I told my mom out frustration of her always beating around the bush on whether we’ve had sex or not yet) they were furious at me because I had done the same thing with my ex and thought I had learned not to do it from my past boyfriend. I moved out 2 months ago but for as long as we’ve been together he was not allowed to come to my house and hang out with my family. But we still went on dates and still do obviously. He makes me the happiest girl in the world and i just want them to see that but it’s just been hard since they haven’t been able to have a relationship with him. The topic of us has came up several times and just did on Thanksgiving and they said I could do so much better. They think he doesn’t have a future just cause he’s been trying to get into the Navy for a long time. But I see that he has really tried and he was in the Navy and officially got sworn in and everything but then got medically discharged for his past medical issues with his thyroid. And now he is just waiting for the Navy doctor to say whether he is clear to go back into the navy. He has been working full time while he’s been waiting and makes good money and enough to pay his bills. I just don’t see how my parents can say he doesn’t have a future when he’s been trying so desperately to get back in and works full time. He lives with his grandparents and mom but still pay for himself. I’m just wondering if they will give him another chance one day. And what can I can do to somehow solve this problem because I do care about my family and him and I want them to accept who I’m dating. I just feel like the only reason they could not “like” him is because we had sex but I believe us having sex does in NO way value our character in terms of does it make us a bad person or not. I am just worried that they will never give him another chance.