My Struggle With Depression And Then Hope

On May 5th, 2014, I got into a relationship with a United States Airman. I had known him for over 6 years as a friend and we had dated a couple of times before that. The month before we got together, I was in a relationship with my best friend from high school. We were together for 2 and a half years. The relationship I and he were in was heading downhill. It got to where I took care of him, he wouldn't get a job, and wouldn't take care of himself hygienically. So, I started talking to my airman. We talked while he was stationed at an undisclosed air base. I was 700 miles away. We were talking and I realized he was grown into the shoes he wears, and he was everything I wanted. I didn't want to leave the relationship I was in, but my airman told me he would always love me, and that he wanted me in his life and that he believe he could truly make me happy. I never stopped loving him from the previous relationships and I knew he was who I wanted, but I was the one breaking up with him in the past relationships. So, I made the choice to get out of the 2-and-a-half-year relationship. However, my airman was afraid to tell me that he was given orders to deploy to Afghanistan for 6 months in September. He thought I wouldn't want to try a relationship again. I cried after knowing that, but not because he hid that from me. I was afraid for him. He wanted to know if I could come help my best friend Mel (who was living with him at the time) keep the apartment they were staying at. It is hard enough to keep an apartment with a full-time job paying minimum wage, but she was only part time and wouldn't have a change to keep the apartment after he shipped out overseas, so I agreed to move down there, get a job and help her keep the apartment. I finished up my 3rd year in college and didn't enroll for the next year.

So, May 1st rolls around, and they leave the airbase, driving 700 miles back home to visit family and friends. They surprised me by showing up at my house that night. They had birthday gifts for me that I didn't know about. My best friend got me a dragonfly necklace and the guy I was talking to at the time got me a pillow pet baby seal that glowed in the dark. I gave the pillow pet the nickname Jumbo, due to his large size. They told me they were still 3 hours away, then they pulled in my driveway twenty minutes later. My best friend snuck into the house to get me, and I ran outside and jumped in his arms, giving him a big hug where I missed him.  4 days later, he comes to see me at my house, and we talked and talked for hours just lying in my bed. And he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was ecstatic and said yes.

So, May 14th rolled around, and we got all my stuff packed and got me moved two states away. I was happy to have someone to fall asleep next to, and to cuddle at night and not be so alone anymore. As time started going by, we got intimate, which was the only thing we had in common. He liked staying on his computer, and building computers, and working on his personal server that he kept in the apartment. I enjoyed talking and companionship, but I enjoyed being near him more. As September seemed to get closer, I was getting worried about him leaving for 6 months. I was so in love with him and didn't think I could last a day without him.

Mid-August comes up, and he gave me some news about his deployment. His orders were canceled. He no longer had to go to Afghanistan. Needless to say, I was happy. I was happy because I wouldn't be alone like I thought I would. I cried again, but with happiness.  More months go by, and we started arguing more, because I wanted to have 'talks' with him, explaining that I felt emotionally neglected because he didn't want to spend any time with me. I was working two jobs by this point. I almost never got a day off from both jobs, and when I came home at 8-10pm after being gone since 7-9 that morning, I wanted just five minutes of alone time with him when I came home. He wouldn't hardly give me the time of day when I came home. He stayed on his computer and done things that made him happy.

Time continuing, he decides to buy a house after having two noise complaints at the apartment he was staying in, so we all started looking for houses. He found the perfect one and decided to buy it. November started becoming a stressful month, and it got to where we didn't do anything anymore. We never went on dates anymore. He wouldn't go with me to Walmart, because God knows I don't like being alone in big places. But at every opportunity, I was going with him wherever he went just to get those 5 minutes I wanted. When he wouldn't give me the 5 minutes I wanted with him, I would stay up until 2am just to be awake when he comes to bed so I could remember the cuddles he would give me that night. And I had to wake up early to go to work. It was worth it to me.
December rolls around, and I am constantly reminding him that I want more time with him. He felt that we had nothing to do together anymore except be intimate, which bored him after a while and which I yearned for because I got time with him. We finally get into a final argument, and he broke up with me.

I spent hours crying in the bedroom, begging him not to do it. I begged him to come to bed with me and hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay, but that night he slept on the couch. I cried until 4am. I texted my mom and told her I wanted to come home more than anything. I cried until I couldn't breathe and cried until exhaustion caused me to sleep.  I woke up that next morning as he was getting ready for work, and as he put on his uniform, I wiped my eyes again as they started tearing up. Many thoughts crossed my mind at the time. Why now? Why break my heart after I move 700 miles away for him? Why break my heart after convincing me to break up with someone and promise me that he could make me happy? He started to head for the door to leave, and I said to him "I love you," and with a distasteful sigh, he looked back at me, and said "And you know I love you," as if he were tired of saying it. He would always say "I love you" before going to work, but that morning was different. It was saying to me "I love you, but not 'in' love with you,"

That day, I decided to go back home. He told me I was more than welcome to stay, but my heart couldn't do it anymore after he said that if I stayed, there would be no more kisses, I love you's, or intimate moments. I asked him to do me one favor to keep my sanity at least until I could go back home to my family. I asked for 3 good days. I asked for 3 days of hugs, kisses, and I love you's. He said he would do it for me. I had hoped that during those 3 days of packing my stuff, hugging him, and kissing him would make him realize that he still loved me. It didn't work and only hurt me further. The night I left was 5 days until Christmas. He helped me get packed and loaded my stuff into my mother's car. My mother and aunt got into the car, and I hugged him and cried harder than I ever cried before. He told me everything would be okay. Maybe after I learned to base my happiness on my life rather than on him and made something of myself then maybe we could try again.

I finally get home after a 13-hour drive and unload my stuff into the house. Since that night, I've went to bed every night crying and contemplating on how my life is going to turn out. I can't imagine my life without him because I put all of myself into the relationship. If I was willing to move away from my friends and family to come help him and be with him, then I must have loved him. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him, and the happy times we shared. It's hard to go through my phone and see pictures of us. It's hard to go to town and see the same red truck he drives. It's hard to go to bed and sleep on the pillow he bought me and to smell him on all of my blankets.

I had been thinking on ending my life. Not saying that I was going to, but I was thinking about it for reasons beyond my control. It's been 3 weeks since the breakup and I'm falling further down into a depression and going on these downward spirals to where I can't think straight or think at all. I just want my humanity turned off. I don't want emotion ruling my life.

So, for a few nights, the thoughts of ending my life came on stronger and it was not what I wanted to do. I didn't want a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So, I started doing research online and found TheHopeLine®.

Here, I was able to chat with a Coach, who suggested that I take care of myself before this depression gets any worse. And the amazing thing was, he/she gave me advice that no one was giving me. They were telling me stuff I already knew and stuff I needed to know. Maybe getting help is the best solution for me because doing nothing will make this worse.

While I was waiting in line to talk to the HopeCoach, I was in one of my downward spirals, asking God "Why am I hurting so much? Why do I think about him all the time? I just want this pain to end, I just want to live life happy again." At the end of the chat, the Coach asked if I would like to pray, and it was there that I believed God wanted my suffering to end. He wanted to guide me out of this dark hole long enough to find one of his people who he calls on to help others. He wanted me to know that he was thinking of me during this whole thing. If it were not for my dark thoughts, I never would have searched for help, and I wouldn't have found it.

God led me to the Coach that I chatted with, and from there, both of them have helped me through this ordeal.

I can only hope and pray that it can get easier here on out. Thanks to anyone who is reading my story.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I may not see it yet, and you may not yet either, but God loves you, and he will guide you through anything. God bless you and have a safe year.

-Sarah

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