It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
Kristy, thanks for your encouraging words for Oran and prayers. We have a partner website where you can request prayer and pray for others. https://www.theprayerzone.com/home
And if you need to talk to someone we are here for you. Chat online anytime 24/7 with a HopeCoach https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
I'm not even sure if this is my fault or if it really is my dad. For as long as I remember, may dad has always purposefully made me cry. Especially on vacation and my birthday, anytime I'm enjoying myself. One thing he always does is SMILE when I start crying, like he enjoys hurting me. And, if he gets really mad, he ignores me for days, even if I apologize. Lately, whenever I get upset, he starts to mock me and says "aww poor baby, it's all about you isn't it?" while he looks like he's enjoying himself the whole time.
Him and my mom always choose my sister's side too. She acts like the devil himself sometimes, and they still think she's perfect. They let her bother me, attack me, call me names and make me cry. Just today, I had been in the bonus room reading a book quietly for over an hour when she decides to come in and BLAST a movie. Noise doesn't tend to bother me while reading, but it was so loud I couldn't concentrate. I went into the living room and calmly asked my mom for some help, and she said "nope" very rude-like. My sister had other rooms to use, or she could've just turned it down! But they wouldn't ask her to do anything.
I usually get breaks from him because he travels for work, but he hasn't been traveling as much lately and has gotten increasingly worse to me, and nicer to my sister. He makes me upset to the point of considering suicide, and I feel so stuck lately. I don't know what to do. I can't go to my sister or my mom, they'd tell me to suck it up and quit being a drama queen.
In our school we always get our report card on Monday, but then I don't want to show it to my parents on a Monday because then my week would be ruined. So I usually show it on Friday, but I had to show it today because I had to get it signed. I was freaking out. I go to 2 tutors for Math because I am really bad at it. I go to one tutor for English. I have pretty much always put in tutors my whole entire life.
Well I told my mom I got my report card when she came to pick me up from my tutor. My marks were English=60% Math=66% Business=85% Drama=72%. When my mom saw it she was screaming at me.When we were in the car she said that I was useless, and she was calling me names in our language. Then she said how are you going to University. Then we stopped by Walmart. I didn't get out of the car, I wanted to get out of the car and run away, I did that and while I was walking I thought about the cons , so I went back to the car. While I was in the car she called my dad and that is when I am terrified. My dad goes to 3 jobs to pay for my tutor and my mom goes to one. I feel really bad for getting bad marks. I always try my best and this is what I got.My parent are always telling me I am going to be in the streets and I will not get a job and become homeless. Them my mom brings up the fact that I am over weight for my age. She starts making fun of me. She soon says that her friends kids dont got to a tutor and they are getting 90s and there gifted and look at what your getting. She than says why are my kids all stupid there all cows and there lazy and never study, why did she deserve this. There is currently 2 hours until my dad gets home and lets see whats gonna happen. My dad is probably gonna do the same. I feel like dying, because I am apparently worthless .
PLEASE REPLY TO THIS BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. Earlier today, about an hour ago, I turned on my TV after coming home from training, it was a bit loud so my ma comes in with an abusive tone and says "What are you doing, turn that down now" i turn it down but she comes in again and says again "u completely ignored my orders, then continues to scream at me even though we are barely a half a metre away, after a minute of this screaming that happens day in, day out, i begin to scream back because im not going to be bullied like that, then she screams louder, then begins to say that she doesnt want me, then begins to start saying that im not going to get any gcses and fail and end up on the street, because she isnt taking me in any more. The other day i wamted to show my friends proof of how my mother acts, they hear it and begin to tell me that this isnt right and that their mothers and fathers dont speak like that. So i lose my head after all the verbal abuse im getting and call her things like Freak and That she should be put in a asylum, she begins to cry and say that im bullying her, even though we both know that she came in and started the row, now she has called my dad to come home from work and now i am going to get probably beat up by him, then im going to probably get kicked out of the house, not knowing where to go. Now im writing thisz waiting for everything to go from and have another bad night. This is why i think im failing my gcse's, because my mother comes in every day and puts me down/screams at me putting me off, please respond because i dont know what to do anymore, and i dont think that i have any purpose of my stupid, pathetic life. I feel that if i dont leave then i will do something stupid. I feel anywhere is better than being in my own home, where im supposed to be safe
My mom also attacks me verbally, she calls me a little b**** constantly and she starts fights for tiny reasons that don't matter. She calls me names like worthless, rude, nasty, cruel, horrible, and all I can do is fight back with my words too. I totally understand what you mean by all you can do is scream back and try to defend yourself. The words hurt so much, I just want to hurt her how she hurts me inside. Which I know is bad, but I'm just so tired of being put down. Please don't end your life, you are not alone. This is just a bad time in your life. Focus as much as you can on your studies so that you have a chance at gaining some independence but please don't quit on life. That would give them the ultimate success, because you allowed their words to destroy you. I know it's hard but please hang in there.
Oran I understand I live with my mother and it's the totally same situation, same reason I came here was to see if others were feeling the same way. Let me give you some advice. I pray everytime I feel tired everytime I feel like I can't take it no more and I pray for strength to bear it all. I know thismay seem hard but if you leave it won't be easy out there. If you stay it might be tough but atleast you can stay till you make it out on ur own. PRAY Oran, PRay, I will to for you,