It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
I never understood or really knew about emotional abuse till a few years ago when i was in therapy for depression. Ultimately i was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) and told she believes that it devolped when i was young as a direct result of how emotionally abusive my dad was/is towards me. Things got a lot better then, was getting the right help and wasnt living with my parents which was the main help. Fast forward, im now 27 and a single mom to a beautiful 2 year old girl. I had to move back in with my parents for finacial help cause i couldnt afford rent. Since then ive became increasingly depressed, i recently lost my job when i couldnt come in cause daugter had the flu so at the moment moving out is impossible. Since that happened my dad has been starting to treat my daughter how he did me growing up. Ive had flashbacks of things i didnt even remember and how horrible they made me feel. Im beyond angry at him and feel helpless at protecting my daughter from it because of having to live here. My mom is great and never acts this way but also refuses to do or say anything to my dad about it. Ive told my mom that if i catch him treating my daughter this way again that ill pack us up and leave without and second thought regardless of having no where to go. My mom doesnt see anything wrong, says its just how he is and i need to just stay out of his way and keep quiet. Hes acts like this towards her to and i cant immagine how she thinks nothings wrong with it when her side of the family are all very family involved/loving/supportive people. Been getting really depressed again and know none of this is good for my daughter. Hoping i find a way to get us both out of here and soon.
I have been emotionally abused by my father since as far back as I can remember. I have five other siblings who have also been abused but they all moved out pretty recently so I've had to go through it alone in these past few years. It makes it really hard for me cause they don't come visit too often. My dad has problems, anyone who talks to him can tell. He gets mad at really small things and will get so angry that it scares me sometimes. He has a past with physical abuse where he almost broke my sisters arm and smashed my other sisters head into a wall. He has thrown tables at me and various other objects, he just broke my door and threatened to kill me the other day because I accidentally ate his slice of pizza. It only gets worse by the day, and I'm scared that he might really hurt me. He constantly screams and hardly ever gets food for me to eat. It's really hard to live here and I often try to escape to a friends house but it only makes him angrier. What should I do, what can I do? I'm 16 right now.
Thanks for opening up about your situation. Verbal/emotional abuse are very real. We are for you. Chat with us anytime 24/7. It's free and confidential. http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
I don't think I've ever truly been a victim of verbal/emotional abuse from my mom until three years ago. My mom and dad divorced when I was 9. I have lived with my mom ever since but my dad had joint custody, although he barely ever got us on the days he was supposed to and would always make up excuses as to why he couldn't get us (my younger sister and I). Well...flash forward to now, and my dad still doesn't really have much to do with us. But my mom has been verbally and emotionally abusing me, although she denies it entirely. I've been put on numerous medications and forced to take them because of her. She constantly belittles me and I'm always the one to get yelled at or cussed out. I'm almost 16 and she treats me like I'm 5. And it gets on my nerves because I want to start trying to live my own life but she won't allow me at all. And it's getting to the point where I wish someone would have me taken out of this home. My stepdad has joined in on the verbal abuse, as well. I don't feel safe in my house because I know sooner or later, I may end up hurting someone, considering my anger will get out of hand. I don't know what else to do.
I guess I didn't understand it at first. My dad seemed to enjoy only having me around to work around the house, and at first I didn't mind. Then I noticed that my friends didn't do there dad's laundry and dishes, or clean the whole house. Then my dad sold our house and my mom, brother and I were homeless, and he left us. When he came back he would have great pride in breaking my things and selling others. And for many years he would make fun of me and say I was fat or ugly. But as I got older I tried to tune him out. We just moved into a new house this year. My mom took over the household Bulls and I help pay them. My dad hasn't been helping with any of the bills unless he can't play his games or watch tv. This past week I confronted him on the issue of him not putting gas in my mom's car, because he took it to 'work' and came back with it empty. He does this a lot, and we can alway tell because he says he's too tired to go to where ever we need to go.
I asked him to leave and he told me he would gut my dog. He uses my dogs against me whenever he has no money or just to "mess with me". My mom sat there throughout this argument. When it was over, and I asked him to leave our house, he just got up took a shower and played games all day.
My mom did nothing and he seemed happy that I'd cried and told him my feelings about him.
I don't understand why he treats me this way. I try to make sure he always has food, I use to do his laundry until this past year or so, I respect that he is my dad. But my kid brother is the only one that gets his attention. He buys him anything and everything he wants. He let's him go to his friends houses, he pays his phone bill, he bought him a phone, he even let's him stay after school to play sports.
But when I go to my friends house he calls me back to do the dishes, when I ask for toys or movies he tells me he doesn't have the money, he didnt even go to my graduation.
He curses me out and then apologizes only to do it again when my mom isn't around. I hide my money now so he won't steal it out of my room.
But what really gets me is he acts like he cares in public, as soon as we get home he treats me like a slave. He always gets on me about how much I make and that I need to give him money.
I really want to run away. He keeps saying he'll change but every year it gets worse.
He is scapegoating you, and move out as soon as possible. I am not in the exact same situation, but I understand what its like to be belittled everyday and most of these things happen to me too. Im going to cut off connection and start being independent when I get to college. Get out as soon as possible, also cut off connection as soon as possible. That is the only way you can heal, also when you get older show him that you don't need him and that you can be self-sufficient. Good luck, you can do it 🙂