It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
I am so sorry you are going through this.You sound very brave. You can chat with us anytime 24/7. We are here for you. Here is the link https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
Ok so pls respond on this quickly,anyone!So my mom is always screaming at me on small things,for example,if i dont clean my room or if i am not doing my home work.These are summer holidays but still i am working all the time.I am 13,btw. First my dad use to favour me and save me when she hits me,but now she has also taken him on her side,although she fights with him too.She is basically a frustrated woman!Sometimes,they both fight so much,i feel like jumping off the balcony!i dont know what the problem is ! I dont even hv much friends i can share with. I told my parents that i wanted a phone,and after one year, my parents listened and maybe they will get me a phone in July!But i said i wanted to listen to music,and my mom shouted at me that no music listening to music on ur phone,look at ur percentage.So the thing is i use to be a very bright student,but i dont know what hppened to me,now i got 78% in finals and she shouts a me that now u r going in O1 what will u do??I feel like sayying something but when i do,she kicks me out of the house and i dont know where to go!This has happened several times though!Pls help!
Hun you need to inform the authorities
I am 12 years old, and I have anxiety. My mom is always saying that I have attitude and that I'm arguing with her and being obnoxious (she's saying that to my sisters as I write this). Like today (the day I wrote this) Me, my 2 sisters, and my mom went to our town pool. We were bout to leave, when she told me to put her phone back in her purse, (I played on it after the life guard kicked me out of the deep end). We had a beach/towel bag with us and I had already put it in there since it was easier and that's where I had found it anyways. So I said that since it was already there that it was fine where it was. Then she started arguing that the condensation from the water bottles was gonna get it wet, but I pointed out that they were warm and therefore didn't have any condensation. One thing about my mom that I hate is that she wont lose an argument. I mean, if the other person is winning the argument she'll literally just say "I'm done with this conversation." But I kept it going because she's always doing that kind of crap. Anyways, we were about to go back into the building where you pay and check in and stuff, then she turns and says to me: "I am the parent, and you are the child. As soon as you get that through your thick skull, the better." She always finds some way to insult me. Even though I read at a college level, and I know much more than I probably should, the mean things she says to me are usually her trying to make me sound dumb. But, then again, there's always the 3 times she's threatened to slap me too. My dad and stepmom are good to me though. When I turn 18, I don't think I want to see my mom ever again.
I deal with the exact same situation, i am thirteen, and already make college level test scores, but my stepmom constantly makes me feel like i dont matter. Depending on where you live, you can apply for emancipation, the early release from your parents custody, but they wont be required to support you. I am currently fighting my abusive situation. I live in kentucky, and am currently drafting my emancipation petition, to be settled in court. If that fails, i am going to a child abuse case that will hopefully turn in my favor. Just research the laws in your state, I use findlaw, and take it from there. YOUR PARENTS ARE REQUIRED TO LET YOU PETITION FOR EMANCIPATION, OTHERWISE IT IS CONSIDERED EMOTIONAL ABUSE, with-holding of important info, and delayment / tampering with official court cases/documents.
I'm 15 years old and deal with depression/anxiety a lot. My parents know that, yet they still do things that hurt me. I'm not sure if this is considered emotional abuse, but I'd like to know what you think. Sometimes my little brothers will do something bad but I'll be the one to get in a lot of trouble for it even if I had nothing to do with it. For example, I was passing a box of food to my brother when my other brother grabbed my wrist which dumped it on the floor. Then my dad continuously yelled at me saying that it was my fault and I did it on purpose. My mom saw that I was crying then and she didn't really do anything about it. My parents also fight a lot which makes me feel upset because most of the fights revolve around things that I said like when I try to stand up for myself, I get put down by them saying stuff like "your have no clue what your even saying" and just stuff like that that really hurts my feelings. I'm not sure if they even notice it, but i've spent nights crying because of what they've said. Is this considered abuse or am I just emotionally weak.
You're not weak. Because you've been able to stand up for yourself and put up with that, you're clearly very strong. I also have anxiety, so I know how it feels. Stay strong. 🙂
I use to think it was normal the way my mom treated me. But reading all the stories of other people, I would be happy to have a parent like them. Everyday my mom calls me every bad word imaginable. She has high blood pressure and anger issues. She always takes it all out on me. Just yesterday she slapped me but with an anger after telling her to calm down. See I shook my hands in the air after washing my hands and she got mad because I wet her so she hit me with the broom. And I wet her again and she hit me back because we were playing around. She started hitting me harder and by that time I stopped wetting her, but started to tell her to stop. She didn't and grabbed the broom so she would stop hitting me and she hit me on my head with the broom I wanted to cry on how much it hurt. She thought I was still playing but I yelled at her to stop and I tried to pull the broom away from her and she got mad and slapped me. It was so numb I couldn't even feel it.
This is another story, about a year ago my cousins came over and I spent the whole day with my mom cleaning the house. We finished around seven so I decided to go see my cousin because it was a long time since I last saw her and we were best friends when we were younger. Time passes and after watching a movie and playing a game on her phone it turns nine. I would usually go to bed around eleven and fall asleep at twelve because it was spring break so there was no reason why my mom would get mad. All I see next is my mom walking out of the house furiously with her belt in her hand. My cousin, her little brother, and I were in a car. She was in the driver's seat, I was in shotgun, and her little brother between us. My mom opens the driver's seat and pushes my cousin violently and hits me with the buckle in the face repeatedly, also hitting my baby cousin. Until my sister pulls her off of me. After that I get out of the car, my sister was crying asking me if I was okay. I went to my room and just looked at the ceiling I didn't even cried because it was a usual thing now. My sister comes in a little more calmed down and tells me to go to her room. She locked the door and starts to cry and tells me,"She's just crazy, she has high blood pressure, she didn't mean it, she doesn't mean it.". My mom starts banging on the door and starts yelling my sister opens just enough for her head and starts screaming at my mom telling her to leave. My sister shuts the door in my moms face and tells me i'm sleeping with her that night. The next morning I don't even want to look at my mom and I just go to the backyard. My aunts all come up to me and hug me and ask me if i'm okay.Then one of them grabs my face and tells me that she gave me a scar on the face. I ran back home and I went into the restroom to look at my face. There was a scar on my cheek and on my forehead.
Every day she calls me babosa,pinche cabrona,estupida,pendeja,pinche babosa,and idiota. She tells me things like i'm gonna kill you, i'm gonna hit you so hard your teeth fall out, I never wanted you, i'm gonna leave you here and never come back, i hate you,and your gonna pay bitch, i'm gonna beat your ass. And this was today because she found one of her shirts on the floor messed up.
call 911. Shes legit child abusing. It might be hard, but call the police or something.