It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
but he cant possibly be abusing me this way right? im sure its just the stress and thats why he yells at me and ignores me all the time
Hi there, my name is Lissa.
My father passed away about 3 years ago, and since that day, my moms whole demeanor has changed.
She is becoming more verbally, and sometimes physically abusive.
Often, she will outrage at small things I do, for example, not hanging up my choir dress.
She begins to yell at me, and tell me she wants me out of her life. After deep thinking, I came to the conclusion, of suicide. My mom said, if she ever found out I cut (which I didn't) or was having suicidal thoughts, that she would send me away to a mental institution .
I'm home-schooled, and have to deal with this everyday.
Its getting old, and I don't want to do it anymore. Everything is a fight with her. Only if she knew how I felt.
Throughout the day, it will be nice, we will be laughing at each other and playing funny game, and then.. she changes.
Here is another example, my mom loves to impress her boyfriend, so she blow dries her hair.
Her brush was sitting in the car, cause I couldn't find (my) the brush at the moment.
We were laughing just 20 minutes before.
Then, she begins to yell at me to fetch her brush for her.
She walks downstairs, grabs the brush and begins screaming in my face about how much she hates me, and cant wait till I'm out of the house.
She begins to hit me with the brush, and after hitting me, she hits the wall, scratching it.
I cry silently as she walks up stairs.
I go through this a lot, I don't want to anymore.
I'm sick of putting up with this, its stressful, it stressing me out. In school/ and out of school.
Its causing me to outrage at people I love. I feel more violent, and defensive.
This isn't a normal feeling.
Once, she was helping me work on homework. We got into a argument about which work sheet we were suppose to work on.
I got so feed up, I told her she wasn't thinking.
Bad mistake Lys.
She came over and began pulling my hair, and slapped me across the face, once she let go of my hair, I just laid there. She began to kick me.
She has kicked me so hard she gave me a bruise on the side of my ribs. I couldn't believe it...
No, not my mom..
She often calls me names, such as stupid, dumb, and finally, my lest favorite, a failure.
Please, if you have any advice get back to me when you can.
(Don't leave messages saying talk to her, I've tried to many times.)
Sincerely, Lys.
Please know that, while there seems to be no end to your situation, right now, it WILL stop.
just like the person who told u they were college educated, professional for 15 years in their field, a mother, and recently moved in w their bf? Well i can take you further into the future than that... My mother was very much like yours, and i too survived.
I am a retired professional, i am a mother of a beautiful daughter whom i am immensely proud of. I am a grand mother of 2 teenagers, (a boy 15 and a girl 13), my first husband died after more than 3 decades of getting on my nerves, (jk! Lol). I am in my 2nd marriage, to a man who is everything and more, than the first. This one is older, and so am I, and he understands the value in spoiling a girl a little, now and then. (of course, i like the 'now' part, best. but hey, ill take what i can get!! :).
my abusive mother, stayed abusive, every day of her life. but by the time i realized what was going on, and started realizing that "i" had done nothing wrong, she was elderly, so i was kind of held hostage my my good heart, (despite what she had treated ME, like. And i took care of her to the best of my ability, until the day she died. i even took care of her when she was an IN-patient, in the nursing home, toward the end. (yes. i lived there with her, to make sure she got proper care, even in the middle of the night!). and you might think, wow, that chicks mom really fu@ked her head up. But like i said, i was slow to realize what was really going on. i knew it just HAD to be ME. so i never told anyone, except my friends, but of course, they r agreeing because they are MY friends. right? and you are, to some degree. but i didnt fully realize it until i was in my second marriage. to a man who was not just like her, to some degree, and would not agree with her, or let her manipulate him, in any way. it blew me away. finally, i found my self worth through all of her abuse. but by then as i said, she was elderly, and if id of cut her off completely at that point, it might make a point to her, (it wouldnt have mattered. several times over the years i said to her, "momma, you better be nicer to me, because if you think your son is going to change your diapers when you cant do it yourself, you are wrong. it will be ME changing your diapers! ...or not. and if that didnt matter to her, nothing was going to.). but if i did that, who was going to look me in the mirror every day? i had JUST found my self worth, and i spent a lot of time sabotaging myself, before that. and i didnt want to become disappointed in myself, and my character, already!!
She is dead and gone, 4 years now. when she passed, i have only cried a couple of times, and never for her. i dont miss her, or the ugliness. when she opened her mouth, nastiness spewed forth!! i cried for my daughter, who my mother WAS good to.
oddest of all, i was even Adopted. yes. as in, hoped for, prayed for, and paid for! and it was all fun and roses until i started grade school, and began to grow a mind of my own, and she couldnt dress me in the same outfit every day, just a different color! once i objected to anything, i became the spawn of satan!! (...yes, she actually said that to me!). when my 2nd daughter died of sudden infant death syndrome, my mother shouted into my face, right after the funeral, "i know you killed that baby! they just couldnt prove it!!", and there is a battery of tests they exhaust, before making that diagnosis, because if u just "look" at a SIDS baby, they "look" like they could have been abused, due to the pooling of the blood after death. another time she pressed a shot gun into my chest, and threw the phone at me, and told me i had best call police! ...of course she had a million threats of what she'd tell them when they got there, none that the scenerio turned out in my favor. so i had to shock her to get out safely. i pulled the phone cord out of the wall, and screamed at her that i had already told 2 of my friends what was going on there that night, and shes going to threaten me, she better mean it or shes just a whole bunch of talk! she let me leave. she stole my 1st daughter, right out of my livingroom, and then they ran like the thieves they were! but the police gave her 15 minutes to get that baby back to my house or they were taking her to jail for kidnapping!
i guess where im going w my stories is, first and foremost, this is just temporary. dont pick a permanent solution to a temp problem.
but my moms own friend, her BFF, told me she had the same kind of relationship w her mother, and the best advice she could give me was, (when i was of age), get away from her. she disowned her mother, and said it was the best decision she ever made, toward self preservation. when you get out, dont stay around, or visit regularly, or live near by, if her behvior continues. ONLY be around her if she shows you the respect as a successful adult. if she disrespects you, do not stay around until you would feel bad about yourself, for abandoning her in a time of need. if u must stay away permanently, then do it before its too late, because by the time she is debilitated, and unable to do for herself, then you look bad to yourself, and others. dont subject yourself to years and years of abuse, and allow her to be ugly, literally every day of her life. i will probably struggle with my disappointment with myself, for allowing it to go on for so long, for the rest of my life.
good luck to you. i know that you are in a very difficult place right now, in life. but know that the 1 thing we can always count on to be same, is that every thing will constantly change. harness your own happiness.
if you ever want to talk, you can msg me at oldhipichk at gmail dot com.
God Bless You & Best of Luck!
my mom does My mom hasn't kicked me I'm sorry that happened to you but she has show me up against the wall and threatened to kill me and she has slapped me and she gets really violent in front of my face and I hate it I'm so scared when she did it at a public place the cabin in front of people she got physical because of something so stupid as I did not want to put my suitcase upstairs because Ivan's ID and I need my suitcase with me and it cuz all my stuff in it to relax me or tell me sleep and she gets so mad and she I don't remember she push me grab me threw me up against the wall if you just started being violent and shaking me and stuff and I was just screaming and I said please stop please stop and once when I was little she locked me in a room and put a chair on the door to keep me in there and then at the end she tied me up on a chair in front of my little sister and then she drove me to orphanage or Foster house and she kept talking on the way saying that they're going to beat me and you're going to make me clean and exedra and to drop me off and then she came back and said she hates me in so much more I don't want to talk about it and so the reason why she was crying her head off my little sister and she really wanted me my mom did and we came home she told my dad and my dad was stressed out and it broke my heart our relationship has never been the same because my mom hates me and wants my daddy hate me with my sister to hate me and what's my and the biggest thing that I'm homeschooled while I was homeschooled and it sucksBecause you're homeschooled every single day and she gets mad over my stupid reasons my dad hates me I miss my old dad and I found out I was adopted and I remember when he asked me to come by your income in the room I thought they were going to get rid of me but they just told me I was adopted I hate vacations because I have such bad memories of my mom screaming and yelling head off saying she wants me to go to hell I'm a devil I'm evil I wish I was never born but she's put me against the wall and got up in my face where it scared me so much so much to get in my face and scream at me and she grind your teeth and I would get big my dad it which worst part has separate us and it hurt they hurt like hell and then I went to school I thought my life would be better but it wasn't my mom hates me and since I'm at school I have no confidence I can't do my work I'm always stressed I always have headaches I'm always second down myself I count my math just kind of simple equations like 2 + 35 times until I can do it I am so unconfident myself I have anxiety and anxious all the time but I feel like I can't breathe I wanted to do JROTC and I did not charity work and she won't let me go she didn't let me go to homecoming she's ruined everything for me at school everything. I feels hopeless i have no one to talk to no outlet no support system i am only 14 and i wanna die but i am so nice to people i forgive i am generous at school i am a goody i never do stuff bad i suck at school but am doing collage course classes but i come home and i am a failure. I don't know why i try live breathe care. just a couple a secs she made me take medicine a show me my tongue for no reason i have A FREAKIN ALARM ON MY BEDROOM DOOR MY MOM I THROWN MY STUFF AWAY SO MANY TIMES I CAME TO MY ROOM AND IT WAS ALMOST COMPLETELY EMPTY SHE LOOKS THROUGH MY STUFF ALWAYS I CAN:T COOK CAN""T STAY HOME ALONE NOTHING BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I DID THREE YEARS AGO >>> I WANTED TO DIE AND IT WAS THEIR FAULT MY MOM WAS MY TEACHER AND SHE TOLD ME I WAS STUPID SHE MOCKED ME MADE FUN OF ME COMPARED ME TO MY SISTER TOLD MY FAMILY HATES MY SISTER IS 13 and she reads at a 2nd grade level and she said i was stupid everyday. God i wrote so much and don't even care to look if i did the wrong grammar or whatever. But i am a little happy i can tell only a part of my life that is my parents. If I told you anything else like the worst i would would be here forever.My only friend that knows about that scares the living day out of me i am so afraid to loose him and i did because i know it won't last and i am happy that my mom won't let me see him. if i couldn't tell someone i would break this is the closest i will get. i am using my school computer my only access to the world i might use fake email
Hi there, my name is Lissa.
My father passed away about 3 years ago, and since that day, my moms whole demeanor has changed.
She is becoming more verbally, and sometimes physically abusive.
Often, she will outrage at small things I do, for example, not hanging up my choir dress.
She begins to yell at me, and tell me she wants me out of her life. After deep thinking, I came to the conclusion, of suicide. My mom said, if she ever found out I cut (which I didn't) or was having suicidal thoughts, that she would send me away to a mental institution .
I'm home-schooled, and have to deal with this everyday.
Its getting old, and I don't want to do it anymore. Everything is a fight with her. Only if she knew how I felt.
Throughout the day, it will be nice, we will be laughing at each other and playing funny game, and then.. she changes.
Here is another example, my mom loves to impress her boyfriend, so she blow dries her hair.
Her brush was sitting in the car, cause I couldn't find (my) the brush at the moment.
We were laughing just 20 minutes before.
Then, she begins to yell at me to fetch her brush for her.
She walks downstairs, grabs the brush and begins screaming in my face about how much she hates me, and cant wait till I'm out of the house.
She begins to hit me with the brush, and after hitting me, she hits the wall, scratching it.
I cry silently as she walks up stairs.
I go through this a lot, I don't want to anymore.
I'm sick of putting up with this, its stressful, it stressing me out. In school/ and out of school.
Its causing me to outrage at people I love. I feel more violent, and defensive.
This isn't a normal feeling.
Once, she was helping me work on homework. We got into a argument about which work sheet we were suppose to work on.
I got so feed up, I told her she wasn't thinking.
Bad mistake Lys.
She came over and began pulling my hair, and slapped me across the face, once she let go of my hair, I just laid there. She began to kick me.
She has kicked me so hard she gave me a bruise on the side of my ribs. I couldn't believe it...
No, not my mom..
She often calls me names, such as stupid, worthless, dumb, and finally, my least favorite, a failure.
Please, if you have any advice on how to help me. please let me know.
Also, please do not mention talking to her, that's a lost case.
Thank you
Sincerely, Lys.
My mom has always been abusive to me. Once she tried to strangle me. I had to scream to stop her. When I told her that I didn't want to do piano anymore she yelled at me and slapped me across the face. I'm honestly scared of her in a way. I'm 12 years old and this started when my family and I moved to Georgia, coming from Florida when I was just about to turn 5. She's called me stupid and idiotic just because I had a few B's on a report card. A few months ago she called me a bitch. She's the cause of my depression. She and my dad have called me fat when I was 10. I wasn't, I was under weight. So I started to eat less and skip some meals to live up to their standards. a few months after that they said I didn't eat enough but I was too scared to tell them that they had said I ate too much. As of right now, I'm about 14 pounds under weight. I have no clue what to do to stop this all and I just want some help.
Please don't give up. You have a whole life ahead of you. Can you talk to a teacher or guidance counselor at school? You can chat with a HopeCoach anytime 24/7 https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/ We are here for you.