It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
I feel like I'm about to lose my LIFE every time my dad abuses me!
I am 10 years old. I am abused emotionally and verbally by my dad. Like this: My mom got a sleep helper thing.... And I said I really needed it because I have trouble falling asleep. I told her I stay up till 9:30 or 10:00 trying to fall asleep. My dad told me that is because I read, and I said I didn't. In the background, he said, "Yeah, right." I go through this every day. I used to talk a TON, but I feel as if I talk less and less. I have become very depressed and cry in my room. I stay there all day unless I HAVE to go out. I often think about hurting or killing myself. Just knowing there are others who have to share my pain makes me want to do it even more. The only place that is really home to me is my school, and even there I do not feel good because I get made fun of by the boys, and I feel out of place. I have been driven to the brink of insanity and am slowly breaking, piece by piece. Please.... I can't take this anymore.
Hey I don't know if you're still around, but my names Christina and I'm 13 years old. I'm here if you want to talk
I lived with my mom as a child and she had a boyfriend. He had four other kids and we got along fine. But then he would go outside and make himself a cane and start caning me and my brother. I still have marks and its been five years. My mother normally just watched. Once or twice she told him to stop but he hit her. They had a baby together, a boy. I remember him locking this year old boy in the car and taking the keys. We were terrified and he woke up bawljng and we couldn't her to him. My father won the court case though andbwe moved in with him only over the road from where we used to live. On the sixteenth of August we got news that.. He had killed himself during the night...my mums boyfriend that is...I remember crying for hours...we continued seeing my mother until new years eve when she didn't come to collect us. That was four years ago. I'm now twelve and I haven't seen her or my little brother since then. My dad is great and I try to please him as much as only do.. But ....and I'm sure you've all heard this before...he prefers my older brother...I try to be good and help and he does nothing but give out yet dad loves him more. Always praising him and stuf making me feel worthless.. And he gets really mad. Like terrifying mad. So not onlybdo I not have a mom but my dad is terrifying. Recently I started going to a child therapy place because my dad realized thathat though my brother had been through about seven therapists I had only been to one social worker. I lied to them as well. I mean...after all that ..they expected me to tell all my feelings to a stranger? I know I was only eight but still..I laugh too much at school pretending I'm fine when halve the time I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't concentrate and recently I have considered cutting...
I need help but I can't trust anyone..
You don't know me but i'm a mommy of 4 and if you ever wanna talk i'll listen. God loves you.
Hey there i am a 18 yr old girl.....my dad always calles me names like a c**** and says he is going disown me i'm a lazy B**** he wishes i would have stayed with my mom and i wreaked his life ... Also there was one day when he asked me to do the dishes i was half asleep so i was just getting up to do then then all of a sudden i hear him yelling and cursing at me so i walk put to see whats going on he keeps yelling at me and cursing the next thing i know he is throwing the dishes at my feet and there staring.... He never give me money to get stuff i need ill ask e will something along the lines of i don't have any money mean while he has 600 in his wallet and says its for my younger brother and sister. Here is a more recent senario the other night christmas eve i was having. Problems breathing so i told him i needed to go to the hospital he says i don't have the gas i told him to drop me off at what come rd and i would take a bus but little did i know there were no buses. So i told him once we got there so he was yelling at me and screaming speeding the whole way he also has a heater for his truck to un fog the windhield. It clips onto the sun vises ... So what dose he do he punches it and breaks it and say to me look what you made me do are you happy now .... We never have proper food in the house ... Before last winter it was cold so i was using a plug in heater in my room he got pissed off because it uses to much power went in my room was yelling at cut the cord off took the heater outside and smashed it... I''m so done with all this i've slit my wrists the pain is daily i don't want it anymore the only one who is kinda calming it down and sticks up for me and protects me stays with us but my dad has kicked him as of the 1st ...i need out of this... i've been crying myself to sleep the past week.....someone i need to get out of this place and get my own .....
Im 17 coming 18 soon and my dad has been physically and emotionally abusing me my whole life. I always thought it was normal as it was to teach a child to behave but its continued on. He always hits me, tells me i should die and has chocked me out of rage twice. I never tell anyone fearing to be seen as weak (and when i did to 3 different adults they done nothing, which stopped me from asking for help). I have thought of suicide a few times but then i keep telling myself that i have to be strong and get through this. Some days he is so kind and others he is angry. Im always blamed of the household fights, stressing him and being a failure. I dont know what to do, its been going on for so long its the norm for me that sometimes i sit and wonder am i being silly thinking that i should ask someone about this cause no else cared, and after all its me so who would. After all i've survived this long so i can survive a few more years of this.
My dad is a bit like that too...but when you're eighteen you can legally leave...another six years for me...