It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
schools are mandated reporters. that means they have to report abuse to child protective services. or they can get in trouble. please if you mom gets physical call the police, and let that counselor know that you know they have to report to authorities. just because you are a kid don't think your voice doesn't matter. YOU MATTER!
Hi, my name is Madison. Both my parents are verbally abusive. They just constantly degrade me, call me names, and say that i'm always the problem. Every fight they have, the say its my fault they fought. Even my own sister has turned on me. She chimes in when they are picking on me. At first i thought they were just trying to be funny, then soon after, it continued. They pick on me every chance they get. Even when we're with the rest of my family. No one understands me. They just think this is a joke. I cry all the time, and i'm always so depressed when i come home from school. I just need some one to talk to. Someone who understands me and what my situation is.
My names is Natalia and im 15 . Ive been in physical but mostly verbal abuse . My mom left me and my brother with our dad when we were little but then came back . My dad lives in colombia . I live here in florida . My dad when i was little only hit me a lil but just because of discipline. He never verbaly abused me . Well when i moved with my mom . I used to cry myself to sleep at times. At age 7,8 i would be called stupid and puta . Something 7 and 8 year olds wouldnt want to hear. My mom didnt know english so i helped her out alot . But as soon as i made a mistake she would call me out pn it and lecture me and then talk bad about my dad . She was nice at times but there were always word said that would just burst me in tears . as i started growing i grew stronger and better . The physical abuse started . Around 11 i rember the time i cracked my brothers phone my mom pulled my hair to the bed and started hitting me .That day i cried and cried it was a horrible day . When i made a promise to not cry again infront of her . I feel as if she takes advantage of my weakness.im 15 now but she stays on my case. I joined sports so i dont have to be home . When i am home i try to do hw and just ignore my mom and go to sleep . I pay bills xfinity and the water and light bill online cuz my mom said to. I bearly have time for anything anymore . Chores hw sports bills and mom . Im in a early colledge program in which i leave highschool with my associates degree . My child hood hasnt been the best but theres ppl that have gone thru worse so i wont feel sprry for myself .i feel so alone . And it just tears me up writing this
keep doin what your doin with school and sports. God loves you, He has a plan for your life you will get through this. Please if your mother gets physically abusive call the police. praying for you.
this has been really hard to write, but everyone’s responses have been encouraging so here we go. I am a 19 year old female and I grew up with a narcissistic/verbally/emotionally abusive dad. My whole childhood was a slap in the face. My parents were never happily married though. My whole childhood they would constantly fight. Not like bicker or anything mild, but just evil terrible fighting. My dad would always get in a psychotic rage. I have seven sisters. Because of the way we were treated by our dad, we all have low self-esteems. My dad is the most selfish, mean, and self-absorbed person I know. My dad never loved any of my sisters. Everything is all about him. I grew up on a farm, and when we were kids, we were only good enough to help him with whatever he needed to be helped with WHENEVER it was convenient for him. If you couldn’t be there to help him right then and there at the minute, my dad would say to us that we were “no good for nothing”, or “you are nothing but a no good, worthless POS”. Even if you did help with stuff on the farm and such, nothing was ever appreciated. Never a thank you, nothing.
My sisters and I were never brats or unruly children. We were all good in school, went to church, played softball, and adults always had nice things to say about us kids. Teachers, would always say that they wished more students were like us etc. We didn’t do anything to deserve this. I always thought it was my fault for the way my dad treated me. I never had a relationship with him, nor will I ever. That’s just the reality of it for my sisters and me. I feel calmer when he is not in my presence.
He would like to build you up, just to bring you down. I was the best clarinet player in band, I would get good academic awards because of my hard work. I played softball, and I wasn’t as good as my other sisters, but I tried my best and had fun with it. I was in so many things such as girl scouts and teaching Sunday school at my church and being in the class council, NHS etc. but none of it could amount to anything. One minute he would say “you’re a scholar. You are so smart”. And the next minute he would be screaming at my face calling me names and no good for nothing brat. At a young age I learned to block him out. But, I also blocked out my self-esteem. I didn't think I was good enough or worthy of anyone being my friend. I thought people weren't supposed to like me because I wasn't good enough. I knew that I couldn’t count on him for anything. It was the end of the world if I needed to be picked up from band rehearsal or school etc. As long as my dad paid the house bill, and paid for stuff for HIS tractors, HIS snowmobiles, HIS fun, and whatever he wanted, that is all that mattered. Another thing he would like to do is threaten us. “If you don’t help me with this then I am not buying groceries or I am cutting you off of our health insurance plan.” I was only 9 years old.
I always wondered what it would be like to have a dad that loved me, said I was beautiful, and gave me hugs and kisses as a little child or took me on a daddy daughter date. When I would go to my friend’s house, I was always jealous of them because they had an involved Dad. I never got to tell anybody about this. Not my friends or anybody. I was ashamed of myself. Was I not a good enough daughter?
He thinks he is better than everybody else and acts like he doesn’t have any flaws and is such a hypocrite.
I have always had weight issues growing up, and a Dad’s job is to build a girls self-esteem, not to tear it down. He would criticize my weight. I remember one Saturday morning when I was maybe 11 or 12 years old, I got up early to make myself breakfast. I remember it was like an English muffin with an egg and ham lunch meat, and cheese. He got up and was like, “What’s for breakfast?” and I simply responded “I don’t know what everyone else is having but I made this for myself”. Once again it was the end of the world. He started aggravating me because I didn’t do something for him to bow down to his feet. I remember exactly what he said to me. He told me that this summer I was going to actually do stuff (because you know, I don’t do anything to help him…), and he told me that I wasn’t going to “sit around reading books and eating food”. And he told me that all I did was eat and that is what I just loved to do. I just remember leaving my food that I made in the kitchen and running up to my room and crying. Things like this is why I am such a sensitive person. And the reason why I work so hard is the result of growing up being told that I was worthless and not being good enough. This is why I have a little OCD, and am hard on myself.
More with the criticizing of my weight. A few years ago he was told by his doctor that he was pre-diabetic. Because of this he was forced to change his eating habits, which he did. But of course, when this happened, everything had to be about him. On a side note ( nobody else in the family could ever have a sick day, God forbid, but if he knew you had a case of the sniffles, he had to be magically 10 times sicker than everybody else). Anyways, when he started losing weight he wanted to be praised like he wants to be praised for everything else he does. He was better than all of the other people in the world that were now heavier than him, and he just felt “so good”, and “the healthiest person ever”…and once again, he was better than all of us and we were no good for nothing. After he was losing weight, behind my back he laughed and told my other sister that he was getting so “healthy and losing weight”, but he just laughed and said that I kept getting bigger and bigger. That is just uncalled for. I wasn’t supposed to know about this, but through the sister grape vine it got back to me, and I just cried. No daughter deserves that. My sisters yelled at him for saying what he said, but of course he denied it because that’s what he does. That day, after all of those years, I stood up for myself. I called him out on what he did. Here me out, I know you are not supposed to swear to your parents, but this needed to be done for myself. That was the day I decided I didn’t need his support or validation for anything.
I am an adult now, and I go to a University about 7 hours away from home. I am happy with where I am going. I am improving my self-esteem, I have become a better communicator and less socially awkward. I am very hard on myself with my studies, but I am giving myself more credit for what I actually do. I know that sounds silly, but I didn’t believe I was good enough. I pay for my own college. I learned as a kid that I could never rely on my dad for anything. I am working towards going to chiropractic school, and it is going to be super expensive, but I know I can do it. I don’t let his opinions dictate what I do with my life. If this makes me sound like a bad daughter, so be it, but if I said I loved my dad I would be lying. It’s normal to want to stay in contact with your dad, but I honestly feel like I need to distance myself away from him for my own good. Can anybody else relate?
What you wrote is my daughters dad he is the same way. I have never known a person like him and I am not worried about my daughters growing up around him I've been reading a lot online.. Can I ask how your mother was through this? And how is your relationship now?
I'm sorry I don't know how to edit what I wrote! I was trying to say I AM very worried about them growing up around him because to him it's natural and he sees no problem -brit
i am 16 years old, i am still living at home but i am thinking of moving out. i remember days when i was maybe 8 years old id go to school balling because my yelled at me for not eating fast enough or for silly things like that. i was bullied in school up until middle school, and i only truly had my family. but my mom since i could remember would make me and my sibling hate ourselves at the age of 10, no little kid should be feeling that way that young. we despised other kids because my mom always treated them better and we were jealous just wanting our mothers love. it wasn't until i few years ago i started to feel depressed, when my grandmother got diagnosed with cancer i lost it, shes the person i love the most. i started to cut my wrists and when my parents found out they grounded me for over a month telling me i'm stupid and pathetic for cutting myself. i was blocked off from any communication with friends except for school so i felt really lonely. and my dislike for my parents started to develop, my mom started to tell me more how im a b*** or a wh*** and other hurtful words. i remember this one day my parents where fighting and my mom tired to get me downstairs but i was afraid to so my mom tried to push me, if it wasn't for the railing i would've fell, my dad had to hold her away from me so i could run upstairs and out of the house. another incident was a few Christmas's ago, we couldn't afford a supper or anything so my friend brought me a present which was a hamburger and a bag of my favorite chips the flipped and threatened to kick me out and my dad physically threw all my stuff out into the hallway, it isn't the only time he did something like that. the most recent time was when we were arguing because i told my sibling the choices their making is wrong things escalated and he kicked my makeup stand and broke majority of my nail polish and got it everywhere, he even once threw a candle at me because he miss heard me and they didn't give me a chance to tell them what i said i just got yelled at the rest of the night. sometimes im happy but sometimes i feel numb and emotionless. sometimes i cant eat because i feel to sick, and they get mad at me about that too. i get blamed for everything but i am the one who does the chores, doesn't get in trouble in school. i admit i have smokes pot before but that is only because of where i was in life. i am trying to better myself, ive been focusing in school im trying to get a job but it still isn't good enough for them, nothing i do is. i feel like im always sinking and when i'm almost at the surface of the water there's something pulling me back down again.i don't feel free the only time i do is when im at school or away from this all.
Thank you for your comment. We proud of you for reaching out and telling your story. We know this is not always an easy thing to do. It sounds like you have had an incredibly hard time at home and it's understandable that you would want to move out. We want you to know that you are worthy and we care about you. It's important that you continue to reach out and talk to someone one on one about your situation. Would you be willing to chat online with one of our HopeCoaches? They would listen, give you some resources and help you. Go to http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp to chat with one as soon as possible.