It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
My parents have verbally abused each other for as long as I can remember. Today, after my dad verbally abused my mother and told her to F*** off and leave, he asked me to go shopping and I told him I didn't feel like it. When he arrived home from shopping he turned on me and told me I was the cause of their marriage problems, the reason they were both so angry and stressed out, and the reason they've yell, swear and abused each other all these years is because I didn't do enough chores. (like any other kid, I do everything I'm asked but am sometimes forgetful and may every once and a while forget to brush the dog or unload the dishwasher). I don't know why I am sharing this anonymously, maybe just to get it off my chest so I can try and move on.
My mom has emotionally abused me for practically my entire life. She will have her good days were she is nice but when she's mean, she really knows how to make someone feel at their worst. This is 20+ years of emotional abuse. I still live at home because i am currently finishing radiology school but as soon as i am done, i will be moving out. She has called me pretty much every bad name i can think of. They don't speak English, so i help them out as much as i can. She screams at me for no apparent reasons sometimes, or for the most stupid reasons where i didn't even do anything wrong. Tells me to shut up if i start crying or she'll hit me. Tells me she doesn't love me, that i'm not her daughter, that i will never amount to anything in my life, that my boyfriend of 5 years will dump me, that no one will ever hire me. it just really hurts inside because i can't even leave and go anywhere because i quit my job to focus on school till i'm done. She always gives me the silent treatment when she's mad at me, will turn her head away from me when i walk into the room. I try to spend as much time at my boyfriend's house but she gets angry that i spend so much time over there. But it's because i hate being in a negative environment where i'm not happy and am basically stuck sitting in my room because she expects me to just sit at home, in my room, and not go anywhere at all. I just sucks because i feel like no one will ever understand what i go through. I dread/hate going home, i dread when she gets in her moods and i hate that i have to go through that. I stutter sometimes because of this, because she would force me to make myself stop balling my eyes out when i would cry when i was younger. i seriously hate my life sometimes.
What an incredible accomplishment to be going to radiology school! I am so sorry your mom is so abusive to you. You are an amazing young woman for continuing your education in spite of the constant negativity from your mom. You can be an encouragement to others who are struggling in difficult situations like this. Keep going and don't give up!
sorry you have to go through that. Same situation with me. I stay at my boyfriend's sometimes, so my mom calls me a slut, but luckily I'm moving out in a few months...woohoo, college!!!
Love ya Anna!!!! Cool AF! Inspiring.
My mother has been verbally abusive to me for most of my teen life but it has worsened in the past four years. She is constantly calling me dumb and that I will be stupid for the rest of my life. She blows up over small things and once said she wished she could break my spine. I can't wait to move out of my house and cut all ties with her.
feel the same way.
I know the feeling. You sometimes don't want to live anymore.
Deep down you know and you are a good person. Just hang in there a little longer and you will be free from your nightmare. Know that not only are you more educationally accomplished than your mom but one day you will be an exceptional parent despite not experiencing the basics of parental love from your mom. You will see better days and you're already stronger than you think you are. Ps you're mom is a narcissist
i’m going through pretty much the same thing sometimes she will be all lovely and nice and then five minutes she will be screaming at me ordering me to unnecessary things around the house and if i don’t them exactly the way she likes sometimes she will become violent or if i supposedly backtalk she will hit me (it has left bruises) and i dont know what to classify it as or what to do she does it to me dad as well and he just submits to it i wish they could just get a divorce so i could live with him and also she doesn’t do this stuff to my brother in her eyes he is perfect and i’m just a ugly brat that gets everything she wants
Sounds like your brother is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. You arent ugly at all, in fact, you are very attractive and i dont even know you...but you can pretty much count on them telling you the exact opposite of the truth. My mother would cut my hair short and tell me it was because my hair wouldnt look good long..its not the right type of hair she said. Well now i have hair almost to my butt and its sleek, shiny, straight and gorgeous. I get compliments all the time.
She would also shame me about my body until i was certain that i was just fundamentally repulsive. She would grab my fat roll and tell me.."you're fat! Nobody's gonna like you if you're fat.". Lol..i was maybe 20 lbs overweight but i believed her completely... now, i am a middle aged woman, and my nick name is "the body.".
My point is, she will try to minimize your strong suits so when she says you are ugly what she means is..."you are prettier than i am and i cant handle it.". I would bet money you are not a brat, you are probably very kind...and you most certainly dont get everything you want...your narcmom is the spoiled one. You are a threat to the reality she wants to force on you. She doesnt see what you are...she sees what she wants and thats all.
I agree. My mother is like that too, one day she's all nice and kind to me and the next she's screaming at me about my grades and how lazy I am. Once I forgot to turn in a Latin online quiz and it dropped my grade down to an 89 and she got so made that she pinched me and beat me with a tennis racket. I kinda wish my parents would divorce too so I could live with my dad since he actually understands me and doesn't hit, only firmly scolds me instead. My mom constantly compares me to my sister who quickly left the house to get away from her and doesn't enjoy visiting.
Yes a lot of it is jealousy and people are full of the devil. Several women don't like me and idk they have to be rude just cause I'm taller, prettier and skinnier then them, have a nice home and vehicle. Why can't we drop all the comparisons and be normal nice humans. It's uncalled for
hi im just like u it feels good to know that im not alone
me too.
Awe I'm so sorry 🙁 I totally understand what you're going thru. You literally feel like trash when you walk in the same room. And for not doing anything. Name calling in front of my kids and all. It's very draining and makes you feel as big as an ant and like trash
I've been dealing with it for 4 years now. Ever since he married my step-mom. She's a terrible person. My dad used to be a fun and loving person but that all changed when he married her. He started verbally and emotionally abusing me. Throughout middle school i was being bullied at school and home. Anytime i did anything that my dad dint think was "perfect" he would yell at me for it. He would yell at me until i cried and continued until i physically couldn't cry anymore. The end of 8th grade was terrible for me. My step-mom really started controlling my dad. She would tell him what to do and how to do it. Especially when it came to punishments. That semester, i started self-harming. At first it wasn't that bad and i would just sharpen my nails and dig them into my arm. It later evolved into me cutting. I did get over it thought (no help from my dad). He still doesn't even know i did it and its been about a year. I can't stand living with him. Anytime he gets angry with me he has to first go talk to his stupid wife before he does anything. He doesn't know how to think for himself anymore. Everything he says and does comes from her mouth. I can't stand it anymore. He has become one of the most strict parents ever. He forces me to give him every password to everything i own. And if i don't he takes away my phone (not that i really care anymore. I've gotten used to it). When i was in 6th grade i was talking on the phone with my friend when he came into my room and told me to "stop being a b* and clean your room". He has other names as well. He also has physically grabbed me when he was angry. In my 8th grade year my dad got angry at me (i don't remember why) and i ran into the bathroom to hide. Before i could close the door he runs in and grabs my wrists. Because i was sitting on the counter i couldn't do much. He squeezed my wrists until i cried. My wrists hurt and were red for 2 days. I'm 14 and want to just live with my mom but I feel like i need evidence of him abusing me. What can I do?
Hidden cameras if you must, or hide your phone somewhere with voice recording on. Get pictures if he leaves a single mark on you and store them somewhere he can't access, maybe an online secure storage site?
You can get out, call the police if he's being really horrible and tell them you're being abused and hide the phone, I think they record the conversations and check them.
I am sick and really tired at the end of my tether feeling worthless because my abusive daughter wont stop her emotional abuse towards me.
She claims to have mental illness, and infront of me, tells a doctor that she is better on the medication, but its total lies! She is the same abusive person she has never stopped being, and I just want it to stop, or we have to part. My daughter is 20 years old, has always blamed me for whatever she can blame me for, manipulates me etc etc. The worst thing is when she attacks me verbally by screaming at me, which hurts my ears, especially since I am partially deaf, this is making my deafness worse. I am not sure how long I can take more of this for. She does nothing, I pay for everything, struggling financially to do that and all I get is more abuse, especially when I have done something for her, or payed for something for her. Why is that?
Well, my father is both physically and emotionally abusive... but he makes it to where he hardly leaves a mark... He nearly broke my hand once and my hand hurt for weeks... I had bone bruises and tendon bruises... now my hand hurts in colder weather...