It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
My parents have been abusing me for quite some time...
I'm 15 right now, ever since I was 6 years old I have been abused. My father abused me ALOT, he seemed to hate me, sometimes he seemed to be happy with me, other times he seemed to hate me, he used to shout at me alot and tell me I couldn't do this or that, he made me feel worthless, even when he was in a happier mood he'd tell me stories of how what great things he did as a child, making me feel even more worthless, my mom wasn't that much better, while she didn't do any thing like that back then, she had a psychological disease which caused her to, for example, pull me up to a wall, almost choking me. I got that, plus everyone in school bullying me. It made me feel worthless, I remember not-caring if a car hit me when I walked home/to school for a while. I'm not even telling you the details btw, they did so much more than this. When I was 12 I moved from my dad to my mom, whom I live with now. She's better than my father, but she still abuses me a little...
My parents made it seem like foster parents were a bad thing, and I did believe it was so for quite a while, right now I wish I was put into a foster home when I was 6, I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate my parents. I have a few siblings that are ALOT older than me, (the oldest one is 30 years old, 30!) and I'm surprised that they didn't put me in a foster home back then, I'm slightly mad at them because of that (we don't have the same father, so I guess they're half siblings). Because I was emotionally abused, I am now very introverted, I kinda feel as if I would be more extroverted if I wasn't abused. Because I was abused, video games were my last resort, because at the very least, I had some freedom in video games. I kinda feel as if I would do some sort of sport that involves alot of running (I enjoy running), like baseball or something, if I wasn't abused, that's just a theory of mine though.
Hello my name is Hayden and I think I'm being emotionally abused. I have a mother and a step-father. I have a good life with a comfortable home. But the only problem is on my emotional side. I feel like my parents are always yelling at me and insulting me with words such as stupid or idiot. It hurts a lot more than I think they realize. My mother is constantly making me feel like a terrible son whenever I want to go hang out with friends or my girlfriend. Lately I have felt angry and sad more and more frequently. I'm only 16 so I can't just escape them whenever things get too intense. I just feel like whenever I do chores I can't do anything right, it's so hard. I just need help on this because at this point I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to commit suicide because I know my friends would be devastated. I've tried talking about it to my parents but it always ends up as a fight on who is the person causing problems.
Hayden, it sounds like you could really use someone to talk to about what is going on at home and how you are feeling. HopeCoaches are available to chat 24/7. It is safe, private, and free. Simply click the "chat now" button or go to this link - https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp
So my mom keeps me in the house all day she feeds me and everything else but she won't let me outside at all but let's my siblings out is that right
I hate life my mother is bipolar so of course she has problems but why does it have to be me my sister Bebe well she's the perfect one
Nice hair
Very pretty never doing anything wrong
Than my mom calls me the mistake child.i am repeatlu told you are a mistake you are a every curse word you Cambridge think of. But their is one person that I can always count
Mrs Sarah . She's has the token me in places and museums and all sorts of things . She's is the best thug that has ever happened to me. My mom says she is buying my friend ship by she thinks of me as a child because she never had kids so I am her chance. I hate my mother and wanna live with Mrs Sarah but my mom said that that will never happen and I am just hopeless. And I believe that. So this is my 11 year old story that is ongoing. Also my father left me so no going to him. He even changed his name
Hi. I have a question. Is it abusive if you let it happen? I am a young adult (but currently impoverished because some health problems caused me to have to stop work for a while. I am better now but I don't have any income. I also don't even know if what I am experiencing is abuse:
- My Dad is an amazing father most of the time. (I need to stress this. I am from a pretty loving family.
- When I told my Dad I wanted to visit my mom (they divorced more than ten years ago and I haven't spoken to her in five years) again he said "if she made me mentally ill she would "just disappear." (He said it in a very threatening way implying that he would kill my mom if I ended up depressed again.) (I have depression - it runs in the family but he blames my mom for it.)
- My Dad threatened to hurt me before. (To be fair I was having a really bad mental illness episode so he thought threatening to hurt me would stop it.) He implied that I would either be killed or injured and that "no one would ever find you." Later my step mom made him apologize for threatening to kill me. He said he was sorry but I am still worried about it.
- My Dad is nice most of the time. Sometimes he yells at me for making bad career choices and said I am "wasting my life" (because I was temporarily disabled by my mental illnesses but I'm getting back to work and better now.)
- He compared me to my mom because I was self-harming and he called me "attention-seeking and stupid." (I stopped self-harming because I got help for that.)
But I don't know if this is an issue because:
- I'm an adult. I am over 18 so it's not like I'm really vulnerable.
- I let it happen. (If he yells or threatens me I just cry and sit quietly until it's over.) I'm the unassertive idiot who won't stand up for myself.
- I have pretty severe mental illness so I could just be over-thinking things.
- I could just leave. (But I am afraid he wouldn't let me see my siblings if I did.)
- He only does this to me. (My other siblings seem happy and are safe.) I'm not sure if that's just because I'm a loser and haven't accomplished much or if I'm just imagining all of this and if my mental illness is blowing this out of proportion. BECAUSE 99% OF THE TIME OUR RELATIONSHIP IS GREAT!
Can I have someone's input on this please? Also, if I don't respond please don't be offended. My parents used to go into my email and social media accounts. (They don't know about this account and I changed all my passwords but just in case I don't want to piss anyone in my family off.)
Thank you.
Im glad I'm not alone. My mom is always yelling at me and I'm 23! She never apologizes and I just can't win. Yesterday I was saying how it hurt me that nobody came to my daughters baptism but they are going to my sisters child's baptism. She accused me of being jealous, cursed me, cursed at me, and said a lot of hurtful things. All I said was it hurt me that nobody came when the church is literally two minutes from the house. I'm tired of being yelled at and feeling like the black sheep. Looking from the outside you would think everything is okay but it is not. I'm going to make sure my daughter has the love I never got from my mom and the baby on the way. I've had a lot of issues in life and I think it is to do with the emotional and verbal abuse from my mom. I love my mom and you will always love your parents but, I'm upset that I can't talk to her about anything peacefully as it always turns into a shouting match and I'm always the punching bag. She smiles and goes on like everything is fine not caring what hurtful things she said but, when the shoe is on the other foot it's a different story. I feel motherless and I feel beat down all the time. I'm at wits end and am ready to give up on our relationship. I'm not sure I want to even have one with her yesterday. Oh if you cry your a cry baby and you hear that crying don't mean a d..n thing to me. That's nice right? No matter what you do for some people I've realized it's not enough. I'm glad I found this Hope line and I praise God for not being like my mother.
I am so sorry you have had such an abusive mom. You sound like such a wonderful mom. Thankfully you have learned what kind of mom you don't want to be and it sounds like you are working hard to be the loving nurturing mom your children need. Keep up the great work!!! 🙂