It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
I live with my mom and I have never had one day since I was 5 go by that my mom didn't get angry or upset because I tried running away or I said the wrong thing. If I said sorry she would say i was a piece of crap and I would end up a hooked on the side of the road and I would never be loved. If I started to cry she would hit me to the point where there was a bruise. When she started to do that to my brother I stepped in and took all the hits. It was horrible.
Im not sure if this is considered abuse but since I can remember I've always been the one my entire family jokes about. I'm compared to my sisters because I don't do everything as perfectly as them. When I dong want to do something I get scolded for it. Also my entire family works except me and none of them have time to do anything with me unless it's something I don't like doing. My parents blow off things important to me because they're too busy with work to do what I ask like switching me to online school cause I have anxiety and I hate the school I go to. Then don't try to see the good the school will do for me like getting to learn at my own pace(all my classes are super slow and boring) and they only focus on the negative and what it will take away, which is just highschool reunion and I hate the kids at my school they're all stuck up and rude so it wouldn't make a difference, as I tried to tell them. They refuse to help me with even simple things. They ignore how I feel and correct me when I say my feelings. When I go to them with a problem they tell me I'm wrong and scold and correct me. They also never believe when I'm sick unless I have a fever. I threw up twice and had the choice to either go to school or stay home but if I stayed home I wouldn't have access to my phone or even my school iPad and would have to do chores and clean the whole house all day. I know these things are minor and probably mean nothing but I feel worthless and like my parents would do better without me and they haven't denied when I asked why they haven't gotten rid of me. They just said I'm a kid not a problem. Is any of this abuse or am I just overthinking everything?
I grew up thinking that my dad was a hero. When I was younger he would spend so much time with me. But he was drunk. He was always drunk when I was younger. Until I turned about 5 my mom ignored it. She told him to leave and don't come back unless he's sober. He was supposed to take me out one night but I overheard my mom and my grandmother talking saying he was probably still in the bar. Eventually, he came home sober. And has been. But life has been even harder. He became emotionally abusive. At 5-6 I started having these "outbursts" where I would throw things and yell and curse to get attention. Looking back now I thinks its because of the constant excuses about why he never wanted to spend time with me. My mom was always closer to me than my father. My mom said she loved my dad but all they did was fight. As she called it: a marriage of convenience. Then when I was 7-10 years old I was put on ADHD meds. It got to the point where I was taking double the max dose. I was walking like a zombie and needed help but my parents didn't notice. They thought I was saying just for attention. But finally I got off them. In the eyes of my father even more screwed up than I was. More of a chore. More time he has to waste instead of doing what he wants. More energy he has to waste. Then we moved to some of his family in new York. My great aunt and uncle. Everything was fine when we got their. I felt like I could finally make my hero proud of me. By the time we left there I had attempted to kill myself 4 times. And I would have succeeded the last time. I ran away sometimes knowing my dad was going to call the cops. I sometimes hoped they would take me away but most of the time I needed someone to talk to. When I was there my uncle, my aunt, and my dad would say horrible things to me. Claiming I couldn't do anything right. That I was a liar. At one point I refused to be home longer than I had to and hung out with the neighborhood kids. My uncle and father came out lying to them telling them i hadn't showered in days. Telling them that when I was home i said bad stuff about them. And to this day I have never seen people look at me with such disgust. While in new York I had been hospitalized 3 times I think. Each time my father by my side lying to me telling me he cares about me. Maybe it was true until my mom got there. She hugged me and told me she was sorry she didn't listen; that she could see the pain and suffering. But I knew that there was so much she claimed to understand and didn't. I went to a facility for 3 weeks I believe, my dad calling me everyday, telling me he misses me and he hopes I do better, and I allowed myself for that one moment in my life to think he was telling me the truth. But when I got to the house, he was already fighting with me. Telling me nothing changed and that nothing ever will. In reality it was a little girl who wanted her Daddy to love her and cherish her like dads were supposed too. A little girl who wanted her Mommy to believe she was truly in pain. A little girl who wanted to feel happy and wanted. Not like a freak. Not like she was mental. Not like she deserved this for the rest of her life. Before I left, it was utter hell. But the second place we went was worse. I thought I finally found someone to believe in and trust and who would finally protect me like my parents should have. It didn't work. At that point in my life i gave up. I hated everyone and everything. Doing simple tasks became a chore. And finally my family is here together. My father refuses to spend any time with his family. My mom works all day every day so I have no one to talk to. And all my siblings do what they want. At 15 years old I am told that I still steal food, told I out words in his mouth when I don't, told I am the reason my siblings act out, told that he is to tired to do anything, not told I love you. Not told I care about you. Not told ill protect you. When those three phrases are all the little girl wanted to hear from her father.
Amber, you have been through so much in your life already. The verbal abuse is so devastating. You can chat with a HopeCoach about how you are feeling. We are here for you and we care. Just click the "chat now" button.
Hi my dad has been verbally abuse to me and my mom and my mom is really sick it been happening ever since she started pushing my sister for her actions it's not right. He gets in front of my mom's face and screams curse words and when I ask him a question he yells and slams stuff down saying you can do whatever you F want I don't know what to do
Katie, that can be really scary. You definitely need to talk to a trusted adult about what is going on. You can chat with a HopeCoach here at THeHopeLine - Just click the "chat now" button or go to this link https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp
I'm so sorry for all the pain you must feel inside. I understand exactly what you're going through. I went through the same exact thing when I was a child.
Please know that there is hope. I am a college educated, professional with 15 years experience in my field, and a mother now at 36 years old. I put myself through school - no financial support from ANYONE.
There are days when things are still very hard for me. And there are lingering affects from the abuse that I see a therapist to help me with every week. BUT! I am well adjusted and in control of my life now. I can take care of myself and my son independently of others. I am in a long term, happy relationship and just recently moved in with my boyfriend. I'm telling you this so you know that just because life is very hard right now, that doesn't mean it will stay that way forever. You will become an adult and you will get free of that madness.
If you have an adult in your life that you can trust I suggest talking to them about what is happening at home. Your mom is physically abusing you and could go to jail for doing so. You need help from an adult to make sure you don't become a ward of the state if you decide to call the police. Talk to someone you trust who can help you make a plan to get yourself to safety. If you must stay with your mom, please remember that this will not last forever, you will grow up and become less dependent on her and when you do, you will be a lot stronger than many other people and that can help you be successful in life.
You can do it! You WILL do it! Everything is going to be ok. I know that because I had the same experiences as you and I am more than ok.