It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
I'm not sure what to call it but my mom and her dad always yell at me for the smallest things. Like just a few minutes I did not hear her calling me cause she was in another room two doors down with the door closed. Her dad has threatened more then once so has she. I never really told anyone and so I got into cutting at age 15 I kept at it till she found out a year later. After she did I was carefully. I worse bracelets and what not. I know others have it worse then me but...it still hurts...I feel like I'm weak when they begin to yell at me. Sometimes I wished I had stayed dead when I died when I was being born...maybe life would have been better for everyone... I always feel like this but never tell anyone cause I don't wanna be a burden. Anytime I would be coming home from school...I was scared. I'm scared of my own family and I shouldn't be but I am. Like I said I know others have it way worse but it still hurts and it still scares me. Anyways I must go.
My mother physically, emotionally and verbally abuses me. I know from the outside it looks like I'm perfectly normal and fine. I hide it well don't I? I grew up relying solely on other people's normalities and standards. Sometimes I don't even think I'm a real person. Hiding your problems don't get you anywhere. You end up digging a hole until you've dug so deep you can't get out. You feel so trapped, so useless, so scared that you end up hurting yourself in more ways then one. You begin to believe everything people say or you don't even listen in the first place. Don't do what I did. You end up so lonely. So very lonely. You can't trust people, embarrassment turns into anxiety and you end up wasting your life. I could've done so many things that right now aren't options to me. The truth hurts. The bruises on my body, to the bleeding in my soul, go get some help before you become me.
Alysha, you are me. Im 12 and i started self harming 1 year ago.
Yesterday my mum really pushed me over the edge. I've been clean of self harm for 3 years but yesterday I wanted to end it all I've not felt so low in such a long time. I relapsed and now I feel like I'm back to square one, but I'm sick of being called selfish when I do so much for her. I didn't see my dad for a full year after they split up because I didn't want to hurt her. I sold all my stuff for rent and set up her webpage for a business she wanted to start and did all that google stuff behind it promoting and growing her audience. But I'm selfish? The amount of times I've put her first before my education- I can't put a number on it. She goes out and gets wasted but throws a massive stink up when I ask for money for a new book/ a new folder for school. She gambled over £2500 we didn't even have and now I'm getting the backlash of it like it's my fault. When she was going through that bad time of gambling I literally was there trying to guide her I could see what she was spending but she didn't listen when I told her to stop she screamed at me and told me I didn't understand because I was only 16? But it doesn't take a genius to know that gambling is stupid especially if you've got no money to do it with. Because of the stress I've been skipping lessons at school I don't even think I've attended half of my lessons this week. She doesn't even care she actually said to me 'your teacher rang me earlier- I ignored it'. I've had so many mental break downs at school and it doesn't look good being in sixth form and being unstable. I feel embarrassed ive been avoiding the teacher i opened up to because now I feel pathetic and weak. Especially now I've cut, and it's bad. No one seems to care and I feel as if life would be better without me because, I feel like I make no difference in anyone's lifeZ I'm just an annoyance and I'm very close to being just completely done. If she founds out I've harmed myself she will feel more annoyed that I've made her look bad she won't care about my well being because it doesn't matter
My mum has been so weird over the past 2 years. She always has something negative to say to me like one day out of the blue she said 'you think you're so much better than everyone' and so obviously I was like 'what on earth?' She then went on to say that I'm selfish and disrespectful all because I said to her I dont like it when she smokes in the house because I don't think it's right we've all got to inhale those toxic chemicals without choice. Yesterday she went for a nap after an argument we had and she came downstairs and said to me 'I just had a dream about you being in a car crash' that's all she said then she left the room. But she's like a broken record stuck on repeat she always says I'm selfish and always says I'm disrespectful even though, when my parents broke up I sold all my stuff just to pay rent (tablet/computer/PlayStation/bike) when my other siblings left to live with my dad and abandoned her. Or she always says 'I'm sick of you you're pathetic' I don't even have to do anything most of the time. In the past actually not that long ago she's hit my older sister and physically threw her out of the house. She gets in my face, but because I'm calm and collected it annoys her more and I literally say 'don't you dare hit me or else I'll make sure Dad finds out' he would go obsolutely ape if he knew. To people reading this it probably doesn't sound bad but on a daily basis it grind on me so much I relapsed after 3 years clean from self harm because of all the stress or she has been making fun out of my anxiety she says things like 'you have problems just going to the shop that's pathetic' what mother says that?
I suffer from severe Asperger's Syndrome, and my parents separated on November 13th, 1993. My Dad had visitation rights to me every other weekend or every weekend depending. I was subject to the definition of all abuse, including his sister (my aunt) touching me inappropriately in the bathroom of his home on two occasions on June 13th and 14th, 2002. Recently about a week ago I had a repressed memory that made me question if he actually abused me, that it was just because I was misbehaving child. Examples include not wanting to eat, listen to him belittle my Mom when she was back at home, refusing to take a shower because I was afraid since he waterboarded me by sticking my head in the shower head, and refusing to go with him on weekends when he had me because of the way he treated me. I even told him that according to the Catholic Church he was still married to my Mom after the divorce. Was I abused, or was I just simply a defiant, misbehaving child that got what he deserved, that the abuse wasn't abuse? I know the what my aunt did was sexual abuse, and by the way he is an alcoholic.