It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
I am 21 and have no job, because I don't have qualifications. I have been forced to live with my parents while I study, but they make it so difficult for me. They constantly shout at me and my father belittles me and mocks me about every little thing, even since when I was young. I also used to get bullied by all the kids at most of my schools, where people excluded me all the time. I am always blamed for every mistake or problem in the house and made to feel guilty because I can't bring in any money. I am constantly reminded that I don't own anything. My father even put me in hospital one time after I woke up after a night out. He backhanded me while I was in bed and I knocked my head hard against the sharp edge on the bed frame. I never have any time for studying because I have to drive the family around all the time. When I am at home I never get a moments peace. I have no money and am threatened that I will be kicked out if I say anything nasty to my father. I am also can't hang out with my brother without being interrupted rudely by my father who doesn't want me spreading my bad ways to him. Let it also be noted that I don't drink, take drugs, or smoke. I have a clean record. I also get no help from government either. I also clean the house and cook the food, and clean the dishes + transport my family to work and everywhere.
I also haven't been out to do anything fun for over 2 years.
So what do I do then?
I'm 16 years old, and for the past 6 years my mom have verbally/emotional abuse me. She will call out my name(b****,h**,stupid b****etc)any chance she get. One she came up to my school cussing and calling me out of my name because I was taking to long. What really hurted me the most is when I came out an told her I was molested. She told me I probably like that s***. Plenty of times she will tell me I will never be nothing or accomplish anything. I have always respect my mom, and not one I ever aruge back with her. She tells me why I look depress or something wrong with me, but she doesn't know she's the reason why. I can't deal with it anymore. Sometimes I want to run away, but I'm to afraid.
I am 13 years old, and my mother verbally and emotionally abuses me. She always yells at me for the littlest things, and doesn't understand me or my needs at all. She insults me, the clothes I wear, and says I can't hang out with my friend anymore because she is a lesbian. She always calls me stupid and lazy and says I wont get anywhere and she has unrealistic expectations of me which has led me to experience signs of depression. I am debating whether I should get help or not, because college is only 5 years away, and I can just leave then, but things are really bad at home and I just want to end it. For years I endured her insults, but I am learning that I do not deserve to be treated this way, but whenever I confront her about her actions she just turns it around and pins it all on me. Sometimes, my dad tries to help me but then my mom demonizes him and says he has mental issues and says I can't be around him. I just want him to divorce her but he won't and I don't know why.
Does she call you lazy because you don't do things she asks
My mom does that to
My mom does alot of the same things. I'm only eleven though. She threatens to take away t he things I lovemost too. She calls me alot of tje same names. I get how you feel. Tell somebody though somebody who you can run to if it's get to bad.
My mom yells at us saying "None of my children were born with balls. I have balls. I don't know who's children you are but definitely not mine!" "You wanna go to a foster home go ahead but as soon as you complain I'm whooping your A**!" "Ask your stupid sister about her stupid a** mistake." "All of you guys are pu**ys!" "Nobody can ever love you like I do. You wanna know why? Because I gave birth to you!" My older brother, younger sister and I usually take it all. My sister tried to tell our school consueling officials but it just backfired in more yelling. Our unofficial rules for the kids is to do as she says, don't talk back and keep your mouth shut about home. We are scared that if we tell someone child services will come and separate us. I'm just counting down the years until college.
Being the middle child i didnt get much attention. My mum would refuse to kiss me or hug me, didn't take me to first day of high school for my younger siblings. I got compared with my sister for everything which led me to hate her. My mum would say lots of things that mad me feel sad and i though "it's because im the middle child" until i heard her tell me dad " i dont like her that shameless girl with no future " i prayed my dad will say something will something back. He didn't. He agreed. Tomorrow I'll go catch a train to school and never come back.
How are you Asami, I just read your comment and wanted to know how you are doing. I hope you are still well and have found another way. I have thought about doing that many times as my parents are more than dysfunctional. However I feelt that you should not take things like that to heart even if what she said does not do you justice. You are NOT worthless, noone is. What really matters is what you think of yourself, and how you respond to what others, even if they are what your birth parents say. I dont have to know you, yet I believe you can do great things. But, please do not run away, and if you did allready, think about your younger sibling, you must be there to protect her from what you have experienced.