It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
my dad told me if i was a boy he'd punch me in the face and he doesn't want to have to deal with this for the rest of his 20 years alive. all started because my parents blame me for everything so i was crying because everything is my fault and i started hyperventilating and that made them more mad so i tried to get comfort from the dog i stopped crying and i still got yelled at for that
My dad has been doing this stuff to me and my mom a lot. He is usually a happy person, but when he has troubles with work, or just doesn't feel good in general, he takes it out on us both. He will find stupid reasons to blame us for why he gets mad at us. Sometimes when he gets mad, he will ignore us both for up to 2 weeks or more. When the days of ignoring are over to him, he will act normal the next day. LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
When he's feeling down, he usually gets very depressed like and starts drink alcohol. If I ever start to cry, he doesn't seem to care.
Luckily, I have not hurt myself or tried to commit suicide.
Any advice??
Thanks for writing in. Sounds like your dad struggles with depression and doesn't know how to cope with it in a healthy way. I am so sorry he takes it out on you and your mom. The best thing you can do for yourself is to remember that his anger has nothing to do with you nor anything you have said or done and you can't fix him. What you can do is educate yourself about depression through our free eBook here http://info.thehopeline.com/depression-ebook And you can learn healthy ways of handling stress. Also, this interview with Mandisa about her struggle with depression is really good - https://www.thehopeline.com/mandisa-talks-about-her-struggle-with-depression
And you can chat with a HopeCoach when you feel hurt and alone - https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp
my grandma said " you probably have cancer in you rear end because how much you sit on it" and i said "if you want me to get up i guess i'll live outside for the day i'm here" and then i went out and like 20 min later she said "you better get in here" then we argued and the she said 'i'll just have to call the cops" then i went in. then we argued a little bit more and i yelled really loud and she came up to hit me then my dog max came and jumped at her and took a chunk out of her finger and she kicked him, yes kicked him and he has a disease in his hip where she kicked him so it may have broke his rib. so i threatened to call the police for domestic abuse and she said "i'll give you 50 dollars to because you'll get taken to child services" and the we argued more and then she tried to call my dad then i'll get yelled at by my step dad whose married to my mom and he throws things when he gets mad and yells at me in my face and one day he tried to whip me and i wrestled around and he was trowing me around and i got cuts all over me. so please help me.
I don't know if I was abused or if I was just a terrible daughter. I got an allows of $2.50 a week and for that I had to set the table, feed the dogs, take out the garbage and clean the bathroom on Sunday. My mother constantly complained that I wasn't doing a good job. I wasn't getting the bathroom clean enough. I was doing a sloppy job of setting the table. Finally she quit giving me the allowance. I kept up with the duties thinking she would eventually pay me. Apparently I had gotten fired but I didn't know that. Then one day I told her I wanted to buy an album and she said, "Well you better not, after all you got fired from your job." I didn't know I had been fired. Another time I spilled Kool-Aid on the kitchen table cloth and so I ran it under cold water to rinse it before the stain set in. I washed it and put in in the dryer and told her what had happened. For six hours she stood at my bedroom door and screamed at me. I had a glass of water on my night stand. She took it and threw it on the floor breaking it. I got down and cleaned up the glass and ended up with a pretty deep cut on my knee, but she didn't seem to notice. We got home from church and my faith teaches that unnecessary housework should not be done on Sunday. She told me to vacuum so I got out the vacuum cleaning and vacuumed. My faith also teacher obedience to our parents. After I vacuumed I put the vacuum away. My mother then took it out again and vacuumed and said, "Well if I want anything done right around here I just have to do it myself." She of course of huffing and puffing as she vacuumed. Anytime she did housework she would huff and puff while doing it. Once she threw garbage in my room. She told me since I liked living in a mess she would just dump all the garbage in my room. Then she took all the trash and tossed it into my bedroom. I pretty much lived on my own after I was 18. I went to college and stayed there during the summers because there was no room for me at home. I'd have to share a bed with her and I didn't want to do that. When I was 49 I moved to the state she lived in. She was getting old and I had just gotten divorced. So often I would stay the wrong thing or use the wrong tone of voice and she would hit the ceiling. She would say stuff like too bad abortion wasn't legal when her mother was pregnant because she had never done anything right in her life. She wold comment that she was losing weight and I wasn't. She asked me if I weighed 300 pounds. She told me that I weighed more than she did. I'm taller and lift weights. She commented that she was more successful at gardening than I was. When I was 53 she moved in with me. She was in an assisted living place that she hated. I don't blame her. I wasn't going to deny her living with me. She would remind me of my faults. When I was an infant there were two families who wanted to adopt me. She would not give me up. I know back then she had to fight tooth and nail to keep me and I disappointed her. She said that she wished she had given me up for adoption. I didn't always use the tone of voice I should have used. I felt so terrible that I didn't treat her well. I don't know if she abused me or if I were a terrible person.
I was bullied and teased and when I went to her and complained about it she said, "Well God knows you are an easy person to tempt so he made it so people wouldn't like you and so they wouldn't temp you." She was also bullied as a child and was emotionally abused by her mother who was emotionally abused by her mother. The worst thing is that I feel as though I'm such a terrible person because as I've said I sometimes snapped at her--even when I was 55 and she was 84.
My mom emotionally and verbally abused me on the daily. She has good days, but today wasn't one of them, she smacked me in the mouth, I started bleeding(not badly) and almost wrecked trying to hit me. My sister begged her to stop bc she didn't want to die (referring to wrecking)she yells at me constantly saying things like "you are an awful child" "go live with your dad" "all you do is lie" *to my dad* " you don't want her she'll be pregnant be 16" She constantly putting me down and I don't understand nor do I know what to do. I'm a good child that doesn't misbehave and
I do well in school. What should I do? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Do you have a trusted adult in your ife that you can talk to? Maybe a school counselor? Can you talk to your dad? We are also here for you to chat with us anytime - https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp