It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
My mom is emotionally abusive to me. I have always thought that I am such a bad person just because of my mom. She has called me physco, not a nice person, a mess, mean person, clumsy, irresponsible, dumb, ect. I am still young, in highschool, and it has been just getting worst. Today I was moody (due to my period) and the word shut up slipped out and she slapped me on the back. So then later I apologized and she didn't answer. When we were in the car she exploded on me and was saying I am not a nice person and not to talk to her for the rest of the day! And that I should feel bad about myself. Now later today, all I did was ask her for something that she borrowed the other day and she freaks out and says I never took that! You probably lost it, wouldn't surprise me! Then called me physco since I asked her nicely, hey can I have my... back since you borrowed them the other day? Then when she denied it all I said was mom you literally went in my room and I was there! That is all I said and I guess that makes me physco and clumsy/irresponsible? I just stood there as she screamed at me for literally nothing. She does this a lot. She gets mad at me for the smallest things and ONLY me! Not any of my siblings...just me. Whenever I start crying she tells me to growup and stop being a baby. She calls me names and she has NEVER APOLOGIZED. I remember one time I told her how hurt I was when she was calling me irresponsible, because I had been working super hard and had gotten all A's on my report card! And she just heard me tell her she hurt me then never apolized. She goes off on me for every fricken thing and I don't even fight back anymore since its not worth it. She will always be right! Then she acts completely different one minute later. Its literally like shes bipolar or something. I don't get what I have done for her to hate me. I try to be the nicest I can everday to everyone.
Wow, I am so sorry your mom is so mean to you. That makes me sad. I am thankful you know that you are a really nice person and that your mom's name calling is really wrong and abusive. Keep on being the best "you" that you can be.
When i stopped fight i fell into a deep depression and i never told anyone about what happen even at church i would cry and i would hide it and have anxiety attack but it was better then being at home i got into cutting i was homeschooled so it happened everyday now i am in school i am behind in work cause i did learn anything cause we were always fighting i am only 14 and it sucks my entire family hates me and gangs up on cusses threaten to kill me tied up in a chair dropped me of at a foster house saying they would beat me up then picking me up because my sister little sister wanted me my dad came home because my said she want to burn me in a fire i was only like 10 i was mad and said i hate her over something stupid probably cause she was comparing me to my sister are called me stupid but i have full blow cried in the shower and i reached out and my church told child protective service after years of not tell anyone i then did and they told they came to my house and well it is a long story but my mom lied to everyone and my family sticked up for they didn't say anything and all i did was stick up for THEM I should of said everything wasn't fine when that man came to our house but i knew my mom was listen to my private conversation even though he said he had to talk to me privately. Now i am a freshman taking college course classes and way out of my league to prove my parents wrong but every time i let them in the stab me in the back they hate that i am in school and am not homeschool and now they try to contol everything else the possibly can and say i won't last everyone even my sister who wanted me in the house doesn't want me anymore because she lies to my family i can't stand going to school acting like everything is alright it is not i just wanna die but i don't. They won't let me even do community hours for JROTC they caneel at the night of it and another time they cancel something like my homecoming cheerleading right before a football game my mom says i suck then drops me of at the high school she has even driven when the car door was open when i was getting my cheer bag and said you better get out she...... I always go to school after get verbally abused then acting like everything is fine with my life but it isn't and i'm still a nice quiet kind person and i am never good enough. pls reply if you can
Is there any way if to check if I'm being emotionally abused or not? I'm scared that I'm just a teenager being a moody teenager to my parents, but I need to know for sure. Everything I've read are worse than what I've experienced (I think, there's some I believe I don't remember). I've once snapped at my mother and told her she was emotionally abusing me and immediately, I started feeling intensely guilty, like I'm just an angsty teen or something. I still do now. If anyone knows any good tests for abuse that's more subtle I guess, can you please give me a link? I'm not gonna share anything here, because I feel undeserving and I don't feel like sharing everything yet. Thank you
Please chat with a trained HopeCoach about your situation. The chat is completely confidential and it is free. Here is the link - https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp We are here for you and we care.
Its an on and off thing with my mother. I know for sure she emotionally abuses me. She constantly calls me lazy, stupid, and sometimes uses profanity towards me. She ignores me for long periods of times including right now. She takes out her anger on me yelling at me verbally and emotional abuse when she's angry. Sometimes it gets so bad, I feel like I should just disappear. She would denine how how she treats me. Sometimes she would be nice to me but now I dont think she'll ever interact with me anymore. I just feel like it's all my fault.
Hello, I have lived Years of abuse from My Husband He constantly Calls Me bad Names like Old Lady , Mental Case , Ugly , fat , Fool, tells Me to go f,,,,,,, Myself and that He hates Me , Im sick I have Heart Disease and Epilepsy and Many Illnesess but No Mental Ilness He takes Phyc Meds and not on a regular basis and He fights with Me over his Sisters Im always the bad one in His eyes but Im not He is , He deserves to go to Hell for what He has said and done to Me . It gets better then gets worse. He tries to keep Me from My Family and Cuts down My Sons from a Previous Marriage. He shows no sign of remorse for His actions . Please Help Me and My Sons
I am so sorry you have been going through this. It sounds like you are a victim of domestic violence and it is time to reach out for help. Please read this article about the signs and how to get help - https://www.thehopeline.com/3-steps-escape-abusive-relationship. And then please chat with one of our HopeCoaches at https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp to find resources in your area. All chats are free and confidential. Also, we have a partner called "Take Back The Night" and their phone number is 1(800)656-HOPE
Im a 17 year old girl still live with my mom and step dad biological father is temporarily in prison and my mothers verbally and emotionally abusive towards me my 4 siblings are grown but when they where my age mom wasn't around she continuesly talks down on me calling me fat ugly ect telling me Im worthless and I'll be just like my dad and why can't I be normal like my brother and sisters I confined secrets to her and next thing you know half our neighborhood knows every thing because when she gets mad of little things she goes to far She makes me feel like nothing like she says I am I allowed her verbal and emotional abuse to get to me mentally and I don't know what to do. I ranaway but I come back home every time cause I for some reason worry about my mother cause she has heart problems I wouldn't be able to live with my self knowing I left without even saying good bye I feel the cause of the abuse is cause I resemble my father but I don't understand I'm just a troubled teen trying to fit anywhere because I didn't fit in with my family. Can anyone give advice?