It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
My mum has been emotionally abusive since I was around 9. She has her good days- she's nice and sweet and seems to actually care about me. But her bad days are awful. She knows how to tear someone down. When I was TEN she cussed me out over not fitting into a pair of jeans. She then pushed me into her car and hit me twice the second I was inside. When I was in third grade, she almost forced me to walk to school because I overslept.
I'm 13 now. She's called me quite a lot of things, yells all the time for the stupidest reasons, and when she's angry, she's angry. She has given me the silent treatment before. It hurts so badly because my dad- I know he loves me, but he's never stood up for me and taken my side on things I know I'm right on. I tried talking to her(over three times) but she blames me and never lets herself take the blame. Because of her I'm suicidal, depressed,self-harming and anorexic. I have no place to go right now- my neighbor's don't really like me all that much, she took my phone, and I try to spend as much time as I can in my room. Recently, she forced me to keep my door open- EVEN when I'm changing- all the time. I attempted suicide back in May by an overdose but I'm still here.
I hate being at home. I don't know what to do- I'm not legal, I don't have a car, and I can't skip grades(I'm not smart enough). I've tried to stay with a friend, but she got very angry and forced me to stay home.
If anyone has any advice, get back to me please.
xx Mer
My mother has been verbally and emotionally abusive. She calls me a "b%$@h" or an "entitled _____" and says that i am useless and slow. One time I confessed my depression and that i was suicidal, and she yelled at me for saying so, and all i wanted was help. Today, at dinner, I was being the annoying teenager I am, nagging about this longboard i wanted. She lashed out and said that i have no idea how hard she has worked and proceeded to call me ungrateful and a _____ and it really makes me feel as if it's my own fault. Is it really my own fault? I might be seeking help
from a counselor soon.
I just joined joined this site and can relate to a lot of the same situations with verbal abuse from my own mother...I'm currently living with my mom it's going on 1 yr in January and I can not wait to find a place for me and my 2 daughters....I know my moms been through a lot lost my dad of cancer 2 yrs ago..my mom had a little stroke not nothing so major I see from only change is a mood swings one minute we get along great next her mood switches up and she yell constantly about anything and of course she feel she has the upper had cuz I'm living in her house its to the point she is opening up my mail...She calls me names and b words...I could be cooking or cleaning and um getting yeld at in the process of doing something helpful around the house...so I can relate to a lot of things said here...I know she wants to see me breakdown in front of her " that's not going to happen" I'm stronger than that...sometimes I dnt understand her ways but I notice all these years she shows more favoritism towards my brothers..."boy" and less toward me.
The reason I'm on this website is because I want to know if my mum is verbaly abusive towards me because I honestly don't know. Can someone please help and tell me if what she's doing is wrong because I can't live with her anymore
-she yells at me about everything. If I don't do a chore she will scream and yell in my face how I do nothing around the house to help her
-about 3 months ago she asked me to make the dinner so I decided to make pumpkin soup, something I'd never made before and my nana had just taught me the day before so I made it but when she walked into the kitchen she started screaming at me saying how I was doing it wrong. I said to her that she needed to teach me how to do it properly and not yell everything I make a mistake causing her to contribute yelling at me about how I shouldn't speak back
-she constantly compares my brother to me
-she always says how we (me and my 3 siblings) don't alreaiate anything she does and that she is our slave (we all do our fair share around the house)
- she turns everything on me when we are fighting and she insists she is always right
-most nights I go to sleep crying because of how much swearing and yelling she throws at me everyday
Someone please help to let me know if this is abuse or just an angry lady. I've read a few of the comments on here and I'm so sorry that anyone has to go through with anything this bad and I understand what I'm going through I definitely not as bad but if you could please just tell me if she's a bad person than I would deeply apresiate it. I'm a 13 year old girl, child of 4 and my mum and dad are divorced so sometimes it's quite hard for a parent I understand but she always throws all of her problems on me Because out of my siblings I'm the most mature (my oldest brother is 15, my little brother is 12 and my little sister is 9) I don't think it's healthy for my siblings to be growing up in an invierment where yelling, swearing , blaming and crying is a normal every day activity. My dad won't listen to me when I tell him she's controlling and hurts me a lot mentally so I'm starting to worry about my wellbeing. I'm sorry this was so long but I really need answers
-kind regards a young girl who wants to know if she needs to give her mum and intervention on how to not mess up her children
My moms like that I am 14 my parents aren't divorced but it hurts when your family doesn't help my dad and me weren't as close as with my other sister but now my mom makes my entire family hate. My she cusses controls everything yells at me for make the smallest mistakes like messing up on dinner I have an alarm on my door and there is alot more but to much you aren't alone just research it so you see it is common try to express yourself just doing this helps. My parent give my anxiety i wanna die but for some reason i fight and i do goo despite them i wish i knew you it is so lonely how can you have a sleepover with an alarm on your door. i am using my school computer and a fake email but it still can do
what pees me off the most is - 4 questions in a 2hr session and they are trying to say i have imagined it - i can see why ppl die over this crap
I am a nanny to a family with 7 home schooled, Catholic children. The mother is emotionally and verbally abusive to the 4 older kids. She calls them stupid and idiot when they make a mistake. She punishes by telling them they waste her time and they are out of the family until they comply. She will set them outside and lock the door in the middle of winter.
She taunts the 8 year old boy for crying when she is in his face yelling at him. He seems to have some OCD issues and she teases him about it and allows his siblings to do the same.
She has thrown fits of rage and threw their school books all over the room.
She expects the two teens to have complete care of one baby each, even to sleep with them. If her husband does not cook, she expects her 13 year old daughter to cook for the family of 9 all by herself.
She complains daily of her stress, being overwhelmed, being sick, having daily pain and will lock herself in the bedroom during dinner, away from all the kids and her husband. She blames the children for her woes and tells them they will go to hell if they do not change.
I don't know what to do. I have tried to talk to her and give advice but she gets mad and takes everything I say wrong.
They are such sweet and loving children but I see signs of psychological stress daily. The husband seems to be under her control as well and appears to function in his own world.
Advice?
I would encourage you to make an anonymous (or not) report to your local department of children services immediately. It will protect the children and you. If someone were to learn of this abuse and report, and an investigation led to asking you as their caregiver if you were aware of the abuse, you could be held responsible for not reporting.