It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
I'm so tired of never doing anything right in my mother's eyes, I wonder all the time if I'm even her child because I can't believe a mother could really treat me like I'm the biggest mistake and that I will never fit in or do anything right. I'm so hurt because when I see and hear the way she treats my brothers and my one sister and then when it comes to me, it's just unbelievable and I can't say anything about how it makes me feel because if I do then she will get all frustrated with me and say to me, " oh, here we go again " or tells me to knock it off or oh let's have a pity party! I just want to scream and feel so alone and I wonder what did I ever do that I don't deserve to get any love or respect or for her just to be nice to me? Why? Why? Why? There has to be a reason that she does this and I wish and pray that she just tell me the truth. When I tell her that other family members know and see that she treats me like carp, she just denys it and acts like everything is perfectly normal. All her negative carp she constantly says to me and all the cruel and mean things just keep piling up and I don't know if I can ever get over this or even forgive her. I remember about 4 years ago, my mom, myself and my son were sitting outside and just out of the blue, my mom told me how she resented me and then something happened before I could ask her why she felt that way and now and when I ask her why she said that to me, she replies back to me and says, I never said that to you. I told her yes you did mom and that is something that I wouldn't make it up
She not only is so mean to me, she even looks mean and she sure knows how to put on her stupid fake face and pretends that she is such a caring mother and when she does that, it makes me sick and want to call her a fake liar. I know also that she will be held accountable as we all will but in the mean time, I am so confused and so sad and just want a loving and caring mother. I wish I could go backwards in my life and pray for a different mother, I just remember that I always adored my aunt Lily (she passed away last year) but I found out that my aunt Lily really loved me so much and was told that she always felt so bad for me, even growing up because she seen how mean mother was to me but when My sister and myself occasionally got to go spend the night at her house, I always told her how pretty she was and always wished that she could have been my mommy. I love her and miss her everyday and at least my aunt Lily always seen the truth and knew my mother was very cruel and mean to me.
Debbie, We are so sorry you are going through this and want you to know that we care. It's good that you are talking about your struggle with your mother. We don't have all of the answers, but we do have some resources we can give you that may help. We have email mentors that you can sign up for to talk about what is going on. It helps to continue to talk about it, plus your email mentor would be a woman that would listen, help you with advice on how to handle your situation and she would be there for you. You don't have to go through this alone. If you'd like to sign up for an email mentor go to https://www.thehopeline.com/emailmentors Also, if you ever want our prayer champions to pray for you we have a prayer site additional to this site. It is as theprayerzone.com
My mom used to be helpful, supportive, & kind. But she has always had problems with dealing with her emotions & taking care of herself. Lately she has been very stressed & has begun telling me every morning on the way to school that I am going to get her fired & that I am ruining my family’s lives. She tells me that her job is on my shoulders. Then she says I can’t tell anyone about this. I’ve tried talking to her about it but she just ends up saying well if you don’t feel safe go live somewhere else. I’m not quite sure what else I can do. I’ve tried to be supportive but her cycle of things she says just continues. She’ll say that I’m ruining her life & then 5 minutes later act like nothing is wrong & deny she ever said anything. Feeling a little lost on what to do.
My name is Connie.
I have been emotionally,verbally and physically abused.
I live with my mom,dad and older sister.
My mom is always nice for a minute but then..she just starts yelling at me.She also yells at my sister. She once also left me outside for a night in the winter and it was freezing cold. Everything she does to abuse me she calls them LESSONS. Whenever her friends came over she would act all nice but after her friends are gone she would just beat me up and call me a embarrassment. I try to go through everything calmly and it works but it is very hard. My older sister would always say she is better than me,physically abuse me as well and humiliate me and use me as if I were her puppet. In front of her friends she would act all "little miss perfect" like she never does anything wrong but she really does. My dad, he's my best friend. He is always here for me and I love him. He doesn't know about what my sister and my mom are doing to me because he is never there to see it.
I really don't know how to feel about my situation. I am constantly being yelled at by my parents, especially my dad, and my parents often ignore or don't respond to what I say. My mom has said horrible unthinkable things to my sisters but she is trying to get better but I don't think that ignoring your child is the way to go. My parents are very passive-aggressive and I keep feeling I'm getting put down by them. I will occasionally talk to them about how I would like to be a professional soccer player when I'm older but they often say things like 'you should be playing competitive by now' and 'you need to work harder' or 'You aren't good enough'. They criticize my constantly about how I'm doing in school. They start out by trying to be nice by end up yelling in my face. Every time I try to bring this up to them they always say 'Stop being so dramatic'. I try to stay strong when they yell at me but I'm always sent away to my room or downstairs to the basement in tears. They restrict me from seeing my friends as well. I am only allowed to see them at school and my dad sends them away when they try to come to my house. They took away my phone and banned me from checking out books from the library so that I have nothing to do except for homework or staring at the wall because that's all I can do without feeling I'm doing something wrong. I have never been quite sure if what they are doing to me is verbal or any kind of abuse. Is it?? Also, people always tell me to turn my situation into something great but how can I??
Anna, thank you for sharing! We love 3. Last but not least: YOU ARE what God says, not what your parents, your teachers or your friends say about you. The Lord says that He made no mistakes when He created you, He oversaw every detail (Psalm 139:15-16), He literally gave you talents that He expects you to use (Matthew 25:14-30).