It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
My dad is an alcoholic and every night he gets really drunk, and I am a female who is pan-sexual and he knows this and I have explained it and when he isn't drunk he is accepting of it, but he is drunk right now and he calls me bad names and I hate him and he constantly belittles me and makes me feel everything is my fault anytime I mess up I apologize until it is to the point where it annoys whoever i'm talking to because I'm afraid of getting hurt. And I have the habit of kind of shrinking when someone starts to yell and I just kinda hunch down and make myself as small as possible. Sometimes I'm scared he will hurt me if he is to the point where he is slurring words. I haven't always had to deal with this it has only been a couple of years since it got bad and if I think about it that's not much considering i'm only thirteen and he threatens to kick my brother (who is 14) and me out because we aren't "appreciative" of his generosity to let us stay with him. I hate him because anytime he yells at my mom or brother it feels like he is yelling and belittling me and while my brother and mom tell me to just ignore it, it's so hard because that's the same man that once played little pony games with me because he didn't care how much work he had or who he had to get things to I was more important to him. The worst part is when he isn't drunk and mad or yelling because that's a reminder of how he knows he is doing us wrong and he doesn't care enough about us to stop. I started cutting and my parents found out and he decided even after I told them it was his fault that the best way to make me stop was to "scare" me with the consequences, so he slapped me so hard I almost passed out and I fell down, destroyed my room, threw a t.v. at me, and proceeded to continuously justify his actions.
I've had 20 years of this, and even still after moving out I get abusive voicemails and calls. She says many times she wish she never had me, I'm fat, I'm just like my father (who ran out on us when I was a baby) She met my step father when I was 14, they got married and one minute he would be living with us, arguing everyday, to then out the house and mother saying 'this is it, he's not coming back' ... 2 months later he moves back in and they argue everyday again. I'm an only child so I was all alone, still my mother mentally abuses me. She has a way of making me feel guilty for saying no to her and doing what I want want to do as a 22 yr old woman. She threatens to kill my dog if I don't do as she asks, she throws plates and her phone at the walls, come to think of it.. she's the route to all my problems. Good luck everyone x
Hi, my name is Lealani and Im 20 years old.
I have been going through physical and verbal/emotional abuse practically since I was in the 3rd grade. My dad has always treated me like I was nothing ever since my little brother came into the picture. He has always said I would never be as good as my brother and that he "is the good child" and that I am the bad one. My dad would blame me for things that I dont do and when I would tell him I wasn't the one or I didn't do anything he would get more mad at me thinking I was lying and he would portray physical abuse upon me. Hitting me with the belt, the hanger and even throwing things at me. When I got into my teen years while In high school everything just got much worse... He started to control my life. When I wanted to join a club or a sport, I was limited with what I could do. I only could go to practice certain days because my dad said "I had to be home". I missed so many games and ended up having to quit the teams I played on because of him. I never got to do anything that I was passionate about. When I would disobey him when I wanted to actually have a "Life" he would break my belongings. He would cut my shoes with the scissors, he would my clothes. If he didn't lay a hand on me, he would turn to breaking my belongings. Everything that went missing in the house or got damaged or broken, I was the one to blame ALWAYS. No matter how many times I would tell him I dont do anything, he doesn't believe me and he just gets more mad and results into the physical abuse or verbal abuse. When I got to my senior year of high school, that was the worst year for me. He puttee down so much during that time, telling me that college won't be for me and that I will probably not get a job and that im a worthless nobody. My mom would try to help but al they ever do is argue so she stop defending me and just kept her nose out of it. When I graduated high school, my dad thought that just because I was 18 already, that he could just kick me out, and he did not care if I didn't have a place to go and if I was sleeping in the streets. I was lucky during that time when I got kicked out that my boyfriend at the time, took me in and gave me a place to stay. Me and that guy broke up and now I am back home. Im 20 years old now and Im still dealing with the same things. Except that he doesn't physically abuse me anymore. he verbally/emotionally abuses me now. He blames me for everything that goes on in the house and its taking a toll on me. He tells me there is no sense that I go to college because I am a nobody and that I will never make it far in my life. He calls me a bad child, that im evil and that im satan. he likes to call me ugly and fat and bring down my self esteem. I want to move out but I can't because I have no money and because I am just 20 years old. He likes to threaten me that he will call the police to remove me out of the house if I dont follow his rules or if I supposedly keep misplacing things in the house or supposedly breaking things in the house. This is just bringing me down. I dont know what to do because I have been dealing with this since I was in the third grade and honestly maybe my situation through writing may not seem all bad but I put it as, if you were in my position you probably would have committed suicide. My mom likes to put it as "God gave you hard life and putting you through all these obstacles to make you a stronger person in life". I like to just use that as a reference to my life and everything that I do but sometimes it doesn't help. im trying to be a strong person...
I created an account because I've never found a situation that I've related to so much. I'm an only child and I always wondered how my situation might feel south a sibling as support, though I'd never wish for another person to be in this situation, and now I realize that having a sibling getting treated very well while this was all going on would feel even worse. Does your brother feel sympathy for you or ever try to help you out when things escalate? Everything else you said is almost exactly the same as my what happened with me.
Sometimes I try to tell myself that it will make me a better person, learning to cope and being resourceful to block things out that I have no control over and can't change. I've found that I'm intelligent and a survivor. I'm stronger and more capable of living a full and emotionally healthy life than both of my parents. It seems like the same is true of you.
I highly recommend seeing a therapist if there's a way that you can do that. After trying so many things for depression and medications never working I found out that it's actually PTSD that I suffer from. My first serious relationships were disastrous because I didn't understand what trust and love were actually like and therapists have helped me realize and deal with it so I can have a healthy relationship and it really helps when you explain everything to someone and they reaffirm that this is not normal and it's not your fault and it's great that you were able to recognize the abnormal, abusive behavior. It can and will get better and you'll be able to get out of you figure out a plan and implement it, like trying to get a job to rent a room or going for higher education. When your father says you're not smart enough for that, just remember all you've survived.
My father abandoned my family when I was 7, my sister and I took it harsh. My mom took it worse, she refuses to meet with people and takes her anger and frustration out on me because he had loved me most. She uses him against me saying things like if he loved you he wouldn’t have left, she calls me a pig and when I walk around the house she’ll mutter bad words under her breathe or oink oink. She uses my words against me and when I try to tell her how I feel she says she doesn’t want my drama. My little brother is perfect to her, I’m somebody she doesn’t even see as her daughter and it pains to the point I hurt myself just to be sure I’m still here.
Hi! I'm in a home where me and my siblings are being verbally abused by my father. My mom has died of cancer, but she fought hard. We thought after my mom's death that he would be different, but it only got worse. Me and my twin sister are 16 and planning to move in with my aunt and uncle. My Dad as belittled me as a person, manipulated me, and made me feel like I can't do anything right. I've looked up his behavior and I don't know if it's true, but he might a have multiple personalities. He's nice one minute and next minute he's asking "WHY?? WHY DID YOU DO THAT? GOOFBALL!" This hurts so much and makes me feel like an idiot, which makes me and my twin sister small. He told my mom that she has no right to leave him because she's going to hell if she does, but now she's out of this and in peace. Please help, can I have the choice to live with my aunt and uncle?
Breanna, We are so sorry for the loss of your mother and for the way things are at home now. We suggest that you have a meeting with your school guidance counselor and tell them what you told us here. They can advise you of the laws in your state and the rights you have to request living elsewhere with your aunt and uncle. Please know that we care about you and we are praying for you!