It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
My mother isn't as horrible compared to others, heck i do love her, but to be truthful i feel pressured and depressed around her. Of course when i do something stupid or a mistake that sets her off, its my fault, but it never ends. She has called me names and bullied me to a corner many times. She'd say my future is going to be with drugs and stealing. That i won't amount to anything. It was a lot worse in the past (around when i was in elementary), where she'd literally tell me to go die, rot, i shouldn't have been born, i'm worthless, and would slap me and hit me with a slipper to where i threw up blood. Hah, i even remember that almost daily i'd hold a knife or sharp scissors whenever my mother would go away, i was too scared to cut myself or anything though... (Not to mention my school life was absolute crap in elementary...) I don't talk back to her anymore when she gets into these moments, because to be honest I'm scared i'm going to go back to those times where i'd cry myself to sleep because of her yelling and beating. She yells at me to answer her, but what do i say? If i say anything its not going to stop, and it might get worse. I've been overcoming these by telling myself it'll end after some time, and i mean, it does, but i still feel absolutely depressed and i want to disappear in my own world. God i know others have worse lives than me but i cant help but feel like throwing up and crying...
I have been physically and mentally abused all my life, even as a baby. When I was just born my mom moved away from my abusive father with me and we lived with my grandma. My mom would tell me how she and my grandma would beat me with thier hands when i was just 2. When we moved I was then 6 and i can remeber always getting beat with a belt with silver spikes for small incidents. When i was younger i didnt know any better, so i would always think it was my fault. All my life my mom has been threating to break my bones or give me away, she has also called me every name you can think of. Now I'm 13 and she constantly puts me down and yells at me for small stuff like not doing my laundry. One time i brought a lighter upstairs and my mom whipped me with a thick tv cord. Later that week, i snuck out and went to my boyfriends house and told his parents about my situation at home and they called the police. I went to the station with the bruises still bloodshot on my leg and showed the police (I live in Georgia Btw). They called my mom and she picked me up and told the officer I was smoking pot. A couple of months after that, I had a friend over and was disrespectful according to my mom. After my friend left later that day, I went to take a nap and my mom came into my room yelling because she lost her tape and she took my phone. I calmy asked her why she took my phone and she constantly ignored me until i annoyed her to the point of her getting up and puntching me and slapping me on the face. I dont trust anyone because if the legal system doesnt even help me, who will?
my boyfriend is a trans boy, and his mother doesnt accept him. she says to him "youll never be a boy, youre a girl!" and yells at him for correcting his pronouns. but its not just his identity. he struggles in school, a lot, and she does nothing to try to help him, besides mock him and punish him if you count that. his dad was also mean to him, but his parents are divorced now. they still see each other now and again, tho, and hes still mean to him. recently, my bf told his mom he wants to change his name, and she freaked out, saying that he is stupid and "not a real man" and that she wont let us talk. im terrified. hes terrified. im terrified for him. he called me while his mom was away and said he barely trusts himself with a pencil anymore, or any even remotely sharp object. i want to help him, but im scared of confronting his mom. he has an aunt that accepts him, but his mom and her dont get along or talk all that much... hes 14 now, and im 16. i dont know what i can do, but if theres anything i can do to help him through, at least until we can get him out of that hellhole he calls a home, i want to find it. i love him, and seeing him suffer like this is breaking my heart.
My mom is amazing. She’ll do stuff for me, buy all of us stuff, she’s funny. She has her good moments but other moments are horrible. She just called me a spoiled b... and a whole lot of other names because I wanted to do something for spring break. She said I couldn’t do anything because she can’t. And said I had to stay at home like her. She’s practically never home. She’s doing stuff and taking care of her father. 6 months already and we have two more toddlers in the house (from my druggie sister.) There’s so much yelling and I swear it doesn’t feel like home anymore. It’s a living hell. I have a phone, a computer, and five dogs to keep me entertained each day. My motivation and energy has turned into this laziness. It’s hard to talk to my parents about anything because they both crap talk me. I don’t know but I’m done and I’m under the age of eighteen so I can’t drive anywhere and I can’t actually do something. They won’t let me cross the street and my dad’s out of state currently and my moms never home so I can’t ask for permission. This is a jail. Literally. I want to live on my own already
my dad has recently within the past 2-3 years started calling me names and yelling at me when the circumstances are not at all true. he will call me things like f___ or ungrateful b____ and many other bad things. sometimes i get scares of him but usually i snap back and stand up for myself which will result in me getting screamed at even more
Lily, We're so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You should not be treated this way and called those names. Would you be open to chat with one of our HopeCoaches? They are available Monday through Saturday from 7 pm - 12 am Central at https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp.