It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
My mother will go from nice to humiliating in a second flat and she thinks its normal and OK. Last time we had a big fight she was hitting me with a wooden spoon and I got upset and took it away from her and threw it across the room, After she held me down telling me that I should just get out of her house. Today my mother brought it up for no reason (its been two weeks) and my mother said I had hit her, which I didn't cause I was already tired from trying to push her back. My father believed her and also started to yell at me while my mother sat there and smiled. I've tried to explain to them that I have anxiety and depression but they didn't believe me they just called me a spoiled brat. They make me wanna cut and i'm afraid to even come home or talk to them. They don't think abuse is a thing and sometimes I think they aren't abusing me.
I've gone thru this verbal abuse for a lot of years but pretty much constant for 4 years. It's my husband, I've told my parents and siblings and a couple close friends. My family just thinks it's me I guess Thinking I want everything perfect. I have no one to help me thru this and have to cry it out sometimes. Not much anymore cause I'm so exhausted and burnt out and numb from it all. Some days I feel i can't go on. I've prayed and prayed about it. I know God can help but it seems he's not. I have kids and idk what to do for them. They get so tired of the nasty words and name calling. I don't believe in divorce cause it's for life. We do believe in separating if need be but I don't want to leave my home. Hoping if it comes to that, that he will leave and have friends help me out
God does care, he sees Everyone hurting in their own ways. Everyone in the whole earth, for years and years of human existence. Remember Jesus words found in Luke 12:6,7
"Five sparrows sell for two coins of small value, do they not? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.7 But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Have no fear; you are worth more than many sparrows."
We know who tempts and tries good people. And God promises that one day all bad things will cease to be. Read some scriptures, and pray for to find comfort in them. Here's some that's helped me. Philippians 4:6, 7
James 4:8
Revelation 21:4
I hope that things get better for you. You do deserve it. Keep praying, it will be answered. And keep searching for the answer. Don't give up.
i don't know if i'm just a brat or not, but recently my mother tried to choke me because i was getting into an argument with her boyfriend. the argument started because he constantly was telling her to do something she would have never though of doing in the first place (not going to go into disclosure...). anyways, i was yelling at him and i was telling him to get out while he was just sitting there watching t.v.,on my moms t.v., smirking; thinking that he owned the place, that what i said doesn't matter. eventually, i went into the kitchen and my mom followed me in and started yelling at me. she got into my face and gave me these eyes that looked like she wanted to kill me. she dragged me to the wall and started to choke me. she told me that i can't disrespect anyone, especially people who she "cares" about (her boyfriend). when she slammed me to the wall and was choking me, i started to cry and i was genuinely afraid of her at that moment of time. i literally pissed my pants. (fact: i live with my grandparents in a small apartment) my grandmother walked in (my grandfather didn't cause he was out drinking-- as always) and she inserted herself into the whole thing. i mean, who can blame her? oh and my mom's boyfriend was still on the couch watching t.v. at this time. eventually my mom and grandmother told me to go to bed but i couldn't move. i was so afraid that i was as still and frozen as a sculpture. the thing that i do when things like this happen (it happens often) are that i try to act touch, even though i'm weak and try to fight through it when i know that i shouldn't. that i shouldn't have a say in anything and that i should just sit still and be quiet, but i just can't! i'm stupid. i am ashamed. looking back on this, and every other time that i've been hit or been called names, i shiver and feel so hollow and empty. cold. my mother calls me a spoiled brat, says that i'm ungrateful and that i'm selfish. i don't know if i really am. when i tell my dad all of the things that happen here (they are divorced), he says that she is using these tac-tics to make myself feel like i'm the one who should be blamed, but i don't really know if i shouldn't be anymore? i just don't know what to do.
I am 41 years old I had a traumatic brain injury in 1992. I suffer from short term memory loss it's just an ongoing problem. I went jail for 15 days for a crime I didn't commit but was tricked into admitting something I didn't do. Now my mother is mentally unstable just last night she called the police and tried to have me arrested for moving into the empty apartment upstairs. In may I offer to pay her rent for the apartment wrote a contract and her response was "no." I brought it up several times even asking her why not? That some money is better than no money, but she refuses to hear what I tell her. She is self diagnosed with fibromyalgia, she has diabetes type 1 , and that she refuses to get refuses to get help with or for. Where can I find help?
I had just got a boyfriend and things started getting better I was able to start moving ahead to get out of my mom's house we got a car he got me a phone he how to phone and and and then he went to jail I I I don I was living in my mom's house I have been for 4 years I have a key to my room which they probably already broken my stuff they're selling on let-go I don't know what to do cuz they started a fight with me outside our home at the gas station and I have bruises all over my arms from my little sister and her boyfriend and my mom I walked away from the problem and and now here say that I'm not allowed back there. I am the one who has a no trespassing order and they stole my stole my my phone thank God I have my boyfriend's phone they stole my car key I was working on getting my license I had tickets I had to get paid and now I can't even go and look at them because I don't want to go back home because they're all going to be tag-teaming me I don't know what to do they always do this kind of stuff to me I am alone I I have no more friends my mom always calling me retarded and laughing at me if I don't get something right I can barely hitch a ride it's like when I start to get up I always get kicked back down I have nothing ever and I never will I'm in Problem Child She says and if she can't have her happiness and I can't have mine someone please tell me if I can even go home are they going to do it to me again or what are they doing to me is it me because I have no job I have food stamps even when the food stamps are for me and my son they still eat it until there's nothing left and then I can get out that I don't do nothing to help I clean I make sure the house looks nice she sleeps in her bed all the time my grandma died last year she helped take care of me my whole life except the past few years my mom has gave me place to stay but when I try to get on my feet she gets mad and then I start losing my clothes are my keys or my phone and then I don't have anything and I have to ask her for help and then she doesn't want to help me because she's already helping me with a place to go what to do