It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
Are words like "nothing" "worthless "useless" abuse if it is used a lot , a "lot a lot"
Yes, they are. You should not be told that you are nothing or worthless. It's important that you grow up feeling loved, valued and supported. it's important that you tell another family member, teacher or an adult that you trust how you feel about this and what is going on with being emotionally abused. If you do not feel comfortable doing this, please reach out to our partners at: https://www.thehopeline.com/partners/focus-on-the-family/
Yes totally. It is brainwashing and demeaning, negating you as a created worthy soul! You are uniquely you, rich in talents and gifts.
I live with my dad and stepmom and three siblings. For years now, my dad and stepmom have been emotionally ad verbally abusing us. Its mostly directed at me and my real sister, the other two are half brother and sister. I think this is because my dad and stepmom have alot of anger and hatred towards our mom so they take it out on us. They threaten to not let us see our mom on her visitation weekends and that they are gonna send us to bootcamp. He calls me names like hooker, stupid, idiot.He has thrown stuff and broke stuff when he yells at us. Im scared becuase I dont know what he will do next. He constantly cusses at me the worst names in the book. I feel depressed there and I cant be myself around him. He likes to be in control over everyone and everything. And since im nearing 16 he knows its only a mater of time before I leave. But he tells me I cant leave until im 18. And that I have no where to go. But i have family on my moms side and friends who have offered to let me stay with them. Can I leave when i turn 16 as long as I have a job and am safe?
Kay, It's important that you reach out and talk to someone about this. You are in a situation that is dangerous and bad for your mental health as well. Feeling depressed and mistreated is not a good thing for someone your age and it could have lasting effects in to your adulthood. You mentioned you have a family on your mom’s side that has offered a place for you to stay. Do not wait. Go now. You need to be in a place you feel safe now.
My father tells me to ask for help. But when I do, he says I should know how to do this. Or that everyone knows how to do this.
My father talks about me behind my back he's called me stupid under his breathe as well.
One time, when my parents found my room to be a mess, he and mom argued downstairs and she told me that he said horrible things about me and insults. She slapped him for his words but she never tells me what he said. But her looks tell me it wasn't something I would forgive him of I guess.
The one time that I really remember, is when I was ten years old. He and I were putting up an electric fence, and he was giving me instructions. I was trying so hard to follow them but ended up twisting the wires up in the reel and causing an hour of work get ruined. He screamed at me, red faced and his fists waving dangerously close to my face. He ripped the wires out of my hands, scratching them in the process and told me that " It's not that d@mn hard! Anyone can do this $h!t!"
I was shocked, it all happened in a flash and I didn't know what to say. I started to leave to go to the house where mom was, but he shouted at me to get my "@** back here" and that I'm "still helping him". I just cried, I stayed at my post and cried. My father was a good man at one point of his life, and loves baby animals and stuff. He's a hard worker too. But I never seem to please him. My older sister is the one he really loves. He even said it to my face one time. " Why can't you be like your sister? Your sister never did this"
I love my dad. He can be a good man, but I hate Myself. I want to be a better person to fit his needs and do what he wants. But is there Really any way to please someone like that?
I want to think that I'm loved. Am I? Is there some thing wrong with me? Is it selfish to feel unloved?
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Of course it is NOT selfish to feel not loved. Many people experience this and it’s very hard to overcome. But you should know that you are loved by SO SO SO many people even if it doesn’t seem like it. If your dad treats you like that then you need to tell someone such as a teacher, guidance counselor, therapist, friend, parent, other guardian, etc. You can’t let this go on- it’s very serious and it needs to be dealt with. I know it may seem hard to talk about but you need to feel loved and you can’t have people saying bad things about you that aren’t true. You need to be able to have a high self esteem and with people like that in your life it’s not going to happen. Love yourself and know that you are loved. You did nothing wrong. People like that can’t be pleased. Don’t believe what he says about you because it’s NOT TRUE AT ALL!
So my mother always calls me a brat, or stupid, and keep in mind I was once like any other kid, but her words changed me into a person who doesn’t let people in, and barley talks. On most nights when I feel okay, I just cry myself to sleep, but on nights I’m not, while, let’s just say I keep bandages in my room for a reason. If it was anyone else verbally bullying me, I’d respond with telling them off, I think it’s because It’s my mother, and just about everyone cares what their parents think.
Natalie,
It is good you are reaching out to talk about this. It's important that you get the help you need. Please reach out at school and let a teacher or an adult know what is going on at home. When you say you keep bandages in your room, are you alluding that you may be self-harming? Would you chat with one of our HopeCoaches at https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/?
I’m on the opposite of a parent abusing a child. My daughter has bullied, and controlled me for most of the last several years. She calls me irresponsible, that I should be the scarecrow for Halloween, that I’ll never learn and that she doesn’t care if I’m homeless and keeps my grandchildren who I have been with since they have been born away from me. I’m in my room where I stay so she can’t hurt me anymore. I’m 56 and legally blind, I still help with the house, the kids and pay her $500 a month to live here.
She repeatedly says in 8 months you’ll be gone, in 8 months your out of here. I don’t even know what to do, I hate this so badly and I wish to god the pain would stop.
Patricia, You are going through a really hard time and in a tough situation. You may want to explore this site to get an understanding of what you should do in the situation you are in: https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/domestic-violence-disabilities/. Also, we think you would benefit from having an email mentor. It would be a female that you can email back and forth with for as long as you like about anything that is going on in your life. Talking about your struggles is a big help in dealing with them. To sign up to get and email mentor go to https://www.thehopeline.com/emailmentors/.
My teen has punched me for years in the breast wherever she can do it when she's in a mood i've dealt with it within our family she watched her father do it for years up until i left him finally got the strength to do it at 10 years . i've always accepted it's my fault because she was allowed to see her dad do it to me for so so long. she is 14 i have 2 babies with autism one 3 and one 5 they are blessings. my daughters grandparents on my ex's side filed a false cps report was deemed to be an unfounded allegation ... my daughter a few months later shook my 3 year old until she was inconsolable i found her doing it I screamed a few obscene words at my teen and went to protect my baby it just so happened that she had her ipod with her just to record my reaction i never lay a finger on her but her grandparents filed a report for verbal abuse. I really don't know what to do or how we as parents can protect ourselves in our own home