It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
I really don’t want to call it abuse but.. my mom and my dad never got married. They split after my mom cheated on my dad multiple times. My dad has primary custody, meaning I see my mom on the weekends and some holidays. I love my dad to bits but my mom... she puts down my self-esteem. She says things like “Why did you do this??” “You couldn’t have just done that?” “What was that for?”, she humiliates me, almost every time I go here I cry silently in my bed when she goes to bed. She has been pressuring me into doing things that I don’t want to. Example: her wanting me to go to a social group, pressuring me to think about going to college, trying to control my life, etc. she also gets annoyed at me very easily as if she doesn’t want me around, or like I’m a nuisance. But then she’ll say that she loves me, and that she misses me... she also shifts blames on me saying that I should appreciate her more and do more things for her and she’ll guilt trip me. I’m 14, what do I do?
Your mom is way too self absorbed & overwhelmed with her “stuff” to understand you right now. I’m sure that must make you feel lonely😦. If you can, try the “observe don’t absorb” technique where you watch her from the distance like a scientist in a lab coat. PLEASE DO NOT take her toxic words to mean anything that effects you on a personal level. Please try not to absorb her toxins! She is not you, her issues are hers & you can seperate yourself from her criticism - it’s hatd but you can do it!
My mother makes me feel horrible when I commit a mistake, she gets angry to the point where I tell her to stop and I try to ignore what she says but her words break through those things, she changes her moods depending on what day it is or what has happened throughout the day and she refers to my past mistakes and words and tries to use them on me while she's yelling or talking to me in a bad manner. I have told her once that I am a product of my environment, and she asked me if she and her partner/husband are the reason im irresponsible and I told her that she would have to be the judge of that. She has told me a long time ago that her parents were reserved, she had problems with her father and that she did not have the luxury of things growing up so she would call me ungrateful at times where she thinks I am being intentional with my actions. My step father has been in my life for a long time to the point where I will have a step sister soon along with my little brother who is 13 years old. She calls me names and curses at me when she's angry and will have a fit if I make the smallest mistake; like if I go to the store and bring back the wrong thing she would make a big fuss over it and say words to me. She has a trouble with moving on from the past and according to her my father was an alcoholic. My step father was an alcoholic for sometime where I got to see him physically abuse my mother 2 times and it still lingers around my mind; he was trying to hit me.
Hi. I would like to know if I’m being verbally abused. My mom constantly insults me and rips me of my self esteem. If I ask her to stop, I’m being “disrespectful and ungrateful” but if I don’t say anything in fear of her, “my lack of communication is irritating.” I’m not quite sure what to do. This is my life on a daily basis and she mostly does it when my dad and sister aren’t around. She’s told me that she insults me to get me to be a better person so she’ll stop calling me names. Is this verbally abuse or actually a form of parenting? I know they’re are just words but they burn little holes in my heart. I’m sorry to bother you.
Cora, Thank you for reaching out for help. We know it takes a lot of courage to talk about what is going on. You are important and we are here to listen. Please don't feel like you are a bother for reaching out for help. Being constantly subjected to verbal abuse can affect your self-worth. It's important that you talk to someone about this. Do you have a trusted adult you could talk to? Perhaps a guidance counselor at school or another family member? Please chat online with one of our HopeCoaches too. It helps to talk things through. A HopeCoach is available every evening at: https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
I'm going to be 22. I've pretty much tried leaving by keeping a job but I'm always laid off or let go because of my adhd and lack of attention (I took meds for it but stopped because I have no insurance to pay for it). My parents are no help either. They did the same treatment to my sister as they did to me who ended up in a manipulative marriage. I sometimes cannot speak to them because they interpret my speaking as "talking back" or "raising my voice" which I do end up raising my voice because I want my mom to hear me over her loud screaming. They never take me seriously. My mom sounds like she is roaring when she yells and curses at me, belittles me and tells me to leave the house. But when I try to leave she gets my dad to block the doors off. He's much stronger than me too. They respond with "you have nowhere to go" and keep extra tabs on me. I have lost many friends because my parents at a point never let me go out, but now that I can (even though I have a curfew) they call 911 if I'm not home at a certain time. When I was little my dad used to throw and drag me across the floor if my grades were low. I've never really thought of this as abuse but now that I think of it, its messing with my wellbeing and I'm sure I'm being manipulated
I'm 30 yrs old, have Autism, live with my mom. the other night, I played a harmless prank on my 25 yr old brother who lives with us while attending college. he got all mad & tattled on me. Mom said she's gonna lock me in my room next time I pull a prank on my brother. Isn't that grounds for calling the police on my mom????? (weird thing is, he pulls pranks on me all the time, she barely bats an eyelash. reverse the role & ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DID I MISS SOMETHING????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)