It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
Thanks for reaching out for help. We are here to listen to you and to keep you safe. Please chat with a HopeCoach http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/ at TheHopeLine. All chats are free and private. We care about you.
Thanks for sharing your story. That is a lot of emotional abuse and crazy thinking you have had to deal with. I am glad you have friends who understand. If you log in to chat on TheHopeLine, http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/, we can help you find some resources that might help. Keep surrounding yourself with a good support system. You are a survivor and can encourage others who may be facing the same struggles.
Hi I am 14 and I live in America. My mom is always trying to bring me down and whenever I try to open up to her she says something negative about it. Like if I talk about one of my friends and I fighting she says they are going to leave me. I now sit alone and have very few friends. She gets mad whenever I don't show her any affection. I know I shouldn't be complaining because she gives me things I want like a phone and laptop but I feel like I'm stupid and worthless because of her words. She says I'm too attached to my friends and that I have "unhealthy relationships" with them because I like to care for them. I'm a gate student like she was and she gets mad when I don't get good grades because I'm a gate student and I shouldn't be making stupid decisions because I'm a gate student. My dad follows her lead. I've never been hurt but I have been afraid. I self-harm sometimes because it just gets so hard to deal with it. And I feel like I should look physically how I feel mentally. What should I do? Can you give me any advice? Anything extra that wasn't in this?
Hi, I'm 10 and my mom is always hitting and trying to hurt me.. She is always saying how much she hates me and wants me to die. One time she even tried to choke me
.. Idk what to do about this bc every time I try to tell someone about it they say it's my fault..
Having a mother that has been emotionally abusive for majority of my life has definitely left me with emotional scars. She is a master at manipulating and wants to have control; it took a long time for me to see it for what it was. There were many opportunities that I missed growing up and into my young adult life. Some of these opportunities would have helped me to be independent of her. It is only now that I am really seeing how much I have let her continue to cripple me and keep me dependent on her.
The thing about emotional abuse when it is from a mother to a child is that it is often written off by others, including other family members. To outsiders, my mother has written off out "fights" as me acting out when I was a teenager or casting herself to be the victim. Her closest friend thinks I am a terrible human being and there is absolutely nothing I can say or do to ever change that. Because no matter what, I am the ungrateful child, the one who hates her mother. The reality is that I don't hate my mother. In fact, it took until this year, at age 26, to finally admit to myself how much it hurts me that I can't have a real relationship with my mother.
When I was younger, she would always accuse me of being up to no good. For example, I was spending the night at my friend's house once in high school and she called my friends house phone. When her grandfather handed me the phone, she started in on me asking where I was and if I was at a club. First of all, I was 15 and could not drive not could my friend. Secondly, she called the house phone and spoke to my friend's grandfather first. However, when I pointed out that she had called the land line, she flipped out accused me of having an attitude and came to pick me up... Yes, from my friend's house, which by the way, was less than 10 minutes from my home. And still, the whole way home she was accusing me of having been to a club. Conveniently, she doesn't remember this taking places, but my friend and her family never forgot it.
As a child, my mother and biological father were split up. He was physically abusive to my mother and my step-mom and emotionally abusive to me. Most of my childhood was a series of court battles between them. However, even as bad as he was, and yes, he was worse than her to me, when she would get angry with me, she would always threaten to give me up to him. I was terrified of him. When I confronted her about it when I was older, she denies it ever taking place, which it did multiple times. Instead, she calls me a liar.
That is her favorite thing to do. When she is confronted about something she has said or done, she calls me a liar. She'll play the victim, but claims that it is me playing the victim. It is honestly mentally exhausting.
The worst part about the emotional abuse is getting yelled at for things I haven't said or done. Sometimes we will be talking and I'll be mid-sentence, but she will cut me off mid-thought and go off about what I just said. When I try and explain that I wasn't finished with what I was saying it becomes "Oh yeah, go back and change it now. I know what you were gonna say." But really, she didn't know what I was gonna say at all. We have had huge fights about things that I've supposedly said, when really if she had just let me finish my sentence, she'd have known what I was saying.
For example, one day she was very obviously upset and agitated about something. When I asked if everything is okay, she tells me she has had a bad day, partly because my brother and his friend had an audition with a guy who is supposed to be some talent agent. The audition went great, so great that the guy wants my brother and his friend to send the agency some of their original work and to spend the summer in California. My initial reaction is "That's great!" Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. However, any additional comment or question I may have had was made irrelevant by the fact that my first words triggered her.
You see, my mother is the kind of person who obsesses over all the things that could possibly go wrong. To her, this is all negative and zero possible good. In her mind, firstly it is California which is a death trap because of the earthquakes (which she is terrified of) and because it is infested with gangs (yes in her mind the whole state is like a Vice City game come to life); but it goes further, instead of doing a background check on the guy to see if he is who he says he is, because yes people can be crooks, she just obsesses over the possibility that he could be.
The fact is that the situation has its issues but instead of having a conversation and talking about her worries like a sane person, she goes on the attack. Any time she is stressed or upset, she goes on the attack. In this case, instead of giving me time to fully react and respond to the news she told me, she cuts me off after my first few words get out and then snowballs from there. It becomes "you don't care about what happens to your brother", "I really thought you'd be more worried about him going to California alone" (that's the first I heard of him going alone), "you've always been jealous of him. You probably want him gone", "any time I bring him up you don't act like you care" (a statement that stems from me not reacting how she thinks I should to what she says, not because I have ever actually done or said anything to suggest that, and then finally "you probably wouldn't even care if he died."
That's right. All of that from the short statement that I managed to get out in reaction to the news that someone liked my brothers music.
This is just one example. This is the kind of arguements that end up taking place any time I am near or talk to my mother.
I know that I am not crazy. My friends have seen her doing things like his where her logic is shoddy at best and how she jumps to crazy conclusions. In the end it is always the same, she can't see how what she is doing is wrong. I know that she is not just being stubborn and not wanting to admit she is wrong, it actually is that she doesn't see how what she says or does is wrong. In her mind, it all makes sense. I am not really sure what I can do about it. I know she needs help, but she is also very good at putting on a fake show when she needs to. In high school, someone called CPS on her for emotional abide and she convinced the social worker that I was just a "bad" teen who didn't like authority. For a long time, my extended family thought the same thing. It is only within the past two years of living with my aunt that someone in my family has seen what really has been going on. The rest just say "yes but she is your mother. You'll get along when you are on your own", or "you know she loves you. She is your mother. Give her a break." It is hard to get anyone to see it because she is so good at making me look like a "bad" child or putting on a fake show around others to where when they hear something they think that surely she couldn't be bad.
Because of how paranoid she is and how her logic is so off, along with her mood swings and other traits, I think that she might have borderline personality disorder, but I have no idea what to do about it. I don't even know if there is anything I can do about it.
I know I should just try to distance myself from her, but a part of me dies wish we could have a relationship, I just know she needs help before that will be possible. What can I do?