Answers to Tough Questions
I want to answer a couple of questions I've been asked recently about why girls sometimes dress provocatively and also about how guys sometimes brag about the girls they are with. Both are touchy subjects, but I hope that in the process of honestly answering these questions we will all learn what it means to relate to each other in a healthy way. I hope my answers will help give you more self-love and confidence.
Here was the first question from Michael:
"Why do girls dress so provocatively one minute, then complain that guys are superficial the next?"
This is a difficult question with many sides to it. One part of the answer is that some girls feel confident if they receive attention for the way they dress. It's nice to be noticed. Often girls even dress to impress other girls, maybe even more than guys. But for many girls it's even more important to fit in. Many young women feel it is social suicide to try to stick out in the crowd or wear something no one else is wearing. So, if all the girls are dressing in short skirts and low-cut shirts, they better do it as well, they think. Sometimes the styles may be more provocative than a girl feels comfortable wearing, but due to peer pressure, she will wear it anyway.
Some girls might not even realize that how they are dressing can affect guys. Don't get me wrong, some girls know exactly what they are doing, but some are just wearing what they think looks good. Since guys are sexually driven by what they see, it becomes easy for them to objectify women based on how they are dressed, but that doesn't make it right.
What Message Are You Sending?
So please know ladies that what you wear often sends a message...whether you intend it to or not. If you are flaunting your body, guys will be tempted to come after your body. However, if you advertise who you are on the inside, with such traits as kindness, gentleness, sensitivity, great personality, etc., they will be drawn to you for that.
Guys, it is important to realize most women want to be loved and respected for who they are on the inside. It's just the lies of the culture regarding how best to attract men confuses things. As a guy, when you compliment a girl, you have an opportunity to tell her she's beautiful, without expectations on what her response should be. Women often want to be thought of as beautiful, but they don't want to be disrespected. That's a fine line, but I believe it's possible for mature guys to walk that line.
The next question is also complicated, and it is from Tiana:
"Why do guys feel the need to brag about the girl they are with, and their sexual relationship with her?"
Unfortunately, some guys do like to talk to other guys about their sexual conquests. I think this often comes out of deep insecurity and a desire to impress other guys. It's a competition thing. If one guy has more success with women than others, his ranking in the group goes higher. That is why there is not only bragging, but exaggerating, and even downright lies about their experiences with women. When this happens, it shows a guy's immaturity and lack of respect for the opposite sex. These particular guys are working hard to develop a reputation as a macho guy. Watch out for these guys because they are more concerned about themselves than the girl they are with. Don't lose heart, there are good guys out there who don't behave in this way.
This kind of bragging is certainly not done to impress other women, as women are usually completely turned off by the idea of a guy talking about what he did with other women. Women respect a man more who can keep silent about what happens in private. Real manliness is when a guy fights to protect a women's reputation and feelings. Little boys like to exaggerate. Real men who are confident and secure don't have to brag to feel good about themselves.
It seems like the bad guys get all the good girls. Why does this happen? There are several different reasons for this to happen.
Thank you for writing this informative article. I can tell that the author has diligently showed both sides of the argument. However, as a person who was a sociology major, who’s had a lot of psychology related training on both men and women’s relationships issues, I’d like to challenge the author on a couple points. Yes, women do compete with other women when dressing provocatively. Yes they feel peer pressure to stay up on current fashion trends. Fashion is even male dominated and feeds a very unrealistic message that women are to be desired as beautiful trophies. However, men have the same expectations through advertising and societal norms. Locker room talk and conquest bragging are the exact same pressures men face to belong . It largely boils down to the consequence of advertising and consumerism more than a fault of either sex. We need to strive to be better on both sides. Women should be taught that there are consequences for dressing provocatively as it will attract predatory advances. It’s common sense to say that men shouldn’t harass or assault women based on the way that they dress, but let’s be realistic here. Men are naturally visually stimulated and lots of women take full advantage of their sex appeal to gain attention and power, just as men use social status, money, and fake grooming techniques towards women to gain sexual favors. But I contend that these are not representative of the vast majority on both sides. There will always be predatory men and women. You have to start taking personal responsibility for your actions, despite the status quo. People need to strive to be critical thinkers and really dive down into the issues they are challenging. Simply saying I should dress as i chose with no consequences is naive and entitled. Just as saying locker room talk or objectifying women is ok is the same hypocrisy. We can fix these issues when we, as a society, start valuing deep meaningful relationships over our own egocentric attitudes. We need to boycott trash tv like the bachelor and boycott fashion and magazines that promotes objectification of women. Mostly though we need to stop playing the victim and start taking personal responsibility for what we can control, our own actions.
Hey man, ok I’m not entirely against your comment, but come on…you’re being contradicting. Say it like it is since you can’t have it both ways. Reason and logic WILL NOT prevail here, why? Because women are generally emotional thinkers and look for consensus. This is the opposite of critical thinking. It will NEVER happen. Unless you want women to be men, then yeah sure, but I for one don’t want to be with anyone long term that doesn’t have female traits that are attractive. I have male friends for that. Women and Men compliment each other, they aren’t on the same page or on the same planet metaphorically speaking. That’s a good thing. Do you have any women as your best friend? I’m going to venture it’s a no. Why is that? (Rhetorical) women and men are attracted to different things for a reason. Men objectify and women also objectify… both for different things when it comes to pair bonding, however, initial attraction starts in the primitive brain. Have you ever looked at a woman and said, hmmm I wonder if she believes in the Red Cross? I have to have her if so. Haha, so dude oh don’t. I know all guys ALL in their mind have the bells and whistles going off for a good looking woman. Before any other thing or reaction. Is unconscious bias and unconscious objectification!! You cannot stop it or change it. Otherwise, we are doomed. I personally could give a crap… I’ll be dead by the time this screws our race. However, I also can’t stand lies and hypocrisy, fake deceiving popularity contests. It’s a joke. The joke is on us all, woman and men alike.
Insecurity masquerading as confidence.
i always dress for me i do wear a little outfit .very smart, write poems and was married at 25 but those who chose to think you dress that way you outa to be treated that way. you are sex.i carry mace and tell guys off all the time i chose respect that's why i got a ring . i resect myself. i grew up having two good parnets who taught thier dauther to have self resect and i do.
Dear Dawson,
Awesome article. I see that you nailed it with the deep insecurities about young women dressing provocatively due to the false culture of attracting men. It is clear that your stance is to be empathetic and understanding with these young women and to support and strengthen them during these confused times.
I guess as some feedback regarding guys bragging about sex, empathy and support must be shown for them too but you don't seem to talk about that. They too do this for validation, facing huge pressure and insecurities hence acting this way. Your stance seems more to simply say they are immature, disrespectful where young women need to stay away from them. How is that a positive approach. They need to be supported, taught and understood that bragging does not provide respect from the opposite sex, that it isnt healthy and wont provide them with the deep connection they deserve or happiness.
Just my thoughts
Totally agree. Where's the sympathy for the males???
This kind of medieval attitude is sexualising women's and girl's bodies, women's and girl's arms, legs, shoulders, faces, hair, are not inherently sexual and men's feelings about it are not our problem. Centuries of patriarchal oppression and recently, highly-sexualised images of female bodies in advertising have caused the harm, not a PERSON wearing shorts on a hot day (women are people, unless you missed that memo in the last century or two). If you can't handle seeing a woman or girl's knees or shoulders you need psychiatric help and probably should be locked away for public safety. Women are not responsible for creepers and rapists whatever we are wearing, the only person responsible for rape is the rapist. Also anyone who tries to touch me is getting their a** kicked, I have no time for misogynist bull****.
Hermione, my guess is that your attack against positions held by no one will successfully change their positions. In the meanwhile your toughness and virtue in standing up against these nonexistent people and their nonexistent opinions is duly noted.
Kerry, the way you replied to Hermione wasn't really nice, but more of a way to undermine her. Instead of trying to put her experience down, why not try to understand where she's coming from? She's a female, you are not, so she will obviously know more about the experience of girls than you. It is very well true that sexualizing women has lead to people assuming that dressing in shorts and such is "provocative". In reality, girls dress the way they dress to express themselves and to dress comfortably. When guys wear shorts, it is seen as normal, but when girls wear shorts, whether low cut or longer, they are seen as sexual. You really don't see a problem with that? Girls should be able to wear what they want without people telling them that they are too sexualized or provocative. In the end, your opinions are your opinion, but the fact is that you cannot preach that these opinions are "nonexistent" because that is blatant ignorant. If you really expect people to believe that girls have not been sexualized, then are you speaking subjectively or objectively? Keep your personal opinions out of these debates, and take all facts into consideration before tearing another person down.
WELL SAID.
If you are a fence post!😂