What to Know About Cheating
Why Do People Cheat on People They Love?
It's really hard to understand why people cheat on people they love. Sometimes, people decide to cheat because they feel unloved, or like they have fallen out of love, with their partner. Sometimes, they feel the romance is gone from their relationship, and having an illicit romance gives them a sense of excitement. Sometimes they feel deep shame, pain, and regret, and they don't feel like their partner can know about it, so they turn to another person. Other times, there may not appear to be a logical reason your partner has hurt you in this way.
Regardless of what happened, or the reasons they give you, remember not to take on the responsibility or blame. If you've been cheated on by your spouse or partner, their choice to be unfaithful was not your fault. It is their responsibility to understand where they went wrong and accept the consequences of their behavior. Rather than running back to them at the first sign of regret or apology, it's important for you to take the time and space you need to heal. After all, re-entering into a relationship with someone whose dishonesty hurt you so deeply may not be emotionally safe. Talking with a mentor or counselor can help you understand and heal from the pain of cheating in a safe space with someone you can trust.
Cheating
This is not an "every-guy thing," you know. Lots of boyfriends are honest, they keep to their promises, and they do. not. cheat. When it is time for a dating relationship to end, they end it and move on. In other words, they don't start something with another girl while they are still in a dating relationship.
Some of you girls are already thinking On what planet do those guys live? I've never known a guy like that. If that is the case, maybe you need to start hanging around with a different group of guys.
If you have a history of dating cheaters or know way too many girls who have, then you might need to rethink how you pick your boyfriends. We'll get to that later.
And, yes, I know girlfriends can cheat too, but today we are going to talk about boyfriends.
Reasons Guys Cheat
There is lots of advice floating around in books, blogs, and everyday conversations about why guys cheat. But if you haven't figured this out yet, you will eventually discover that many reasons are really not that complex.
The male approach to dating lies somewhere between that of a caveman and a mechanical engineer, often more like the caveman. So, I have simplified the WHY of cheating by whittling it down to five things. This is not intended to be a complete list, mind you. But understanding these few simple things about guys could help you a lot.
1. Boyfriends Cheat Because They Want Out of the Relationship
Dustin wrote: I think the 2 main reasons why guys cheat goes like this: 1) Guys get stuck with a clingy girl. He figures maybe she'll change over the course of a few months. He really likes the girl for a lot of her character traits but notices that she's not going to let him go.
Miss Insecurity is dating Mr. Self-Confident, and with that relationship, she is trying desperately to plug some pretty big holes in her own self-esteem. She becomes obsessed with her boyfriend. You know how that usually turns out...clinginess, jealousy, anger, tears. But Miss Insecurity doesn't want to press Mr. Self-Confident too hard about his commitment. She would prefer to assume (or in some cases, dream) he is as committed to her as she is to him. But Mr. Self-Confident isn't committed at all and is in fact, trying to figure a way out.
One reason guys cheat is that they want out of the relationship, but aren't man enough to just break up, so they cheat in order to have an excuse to get out.
(BTW, guys have to deal with insecurity just as much as girls.)
Dustin continued: 2) Guys just want sex from a girl. The girl isn't willing to give them sex just yet, so they stick around. They wait for a while, giving promises of everlasting love until they finally get what they want. Then they stick around a little longer and say Hey!...so I've met this other girl (who I've had sex with without you knowing) and I just don't see things working out between us...so Yeah.
2. Boyfriends Cheat Because Their Relationship Goals are Different
Then there are guys who are very willing to talk about the relationship. They make lots of promises, using words like, "I love you," "you're so beautiful," and "spend our lives together."
The girlfriend might be saying the same words, but there is a difference. Some girls give a lot and put up with a lot in order to get what they want most...the relationship. And most often, in the end, they end up with a broken heart.
On the other hand, some guys (including the ones more likely to cheat) come at it from the other direction. They get excited about the relationship too, but only because the relationship is the way to get what they want...usually sex.
It's pretty simple.. she wants a relationship, so much so, that she is willing to offer sex to get it. He wants sex, even if he has to give some relationship to get it. But cheating violates the relationship, not the sex. To put it bluntly...guys cheat because the relationship was never their goal...it was the sex.
3. Boyfriends Cheat Because They Aren't Strong Enough to Resist the Temptation
Boyfriends who cheat don't always do it with a plan in mind. Remember, guys are not that complex. You probably know about some girls who stalk guys like sexual predators- they try in every way they can to get them to cheat. Unfortunately, some guys just don't have what it takes to refuse.
4. Boyfriends Cheat Because of the Influences Around Them
Check this out...when it comes to being faithful to wives and girlfriends, one of the most important factors is a guy's parents. Generally speaking, guys who grow up in homes where their parents cheat, find it much easier to do the same thing.
Counselor Gary Neuman asked 200 cheating and non-cheating husbands about why they cheated. He found that 77% of cheating men have a good friend who also cheated. Some guys give in easily to the temptation to cheat because that is what their friends and family do. You should not judge a guy by what those around him do, but don't underestimate the power of influence.
5. Boyfriends Cheat Because They Got Away With It Before
Do you remember Tiger Woods? He was married to one of the hottest women on the planet, but he was a big-time cheater with lots of women. (BTW, only 12% of cheating husbands in the Neuman study said that the women they cheated with were more physically attractive than their wives.)
The guy cheated once, then twice, then three times. It became easier and easier to give in, harder and harder to say no. If you are dating a guy who cheated before, there is a good chance he will cheat on you too, even if from the beginning he never planned it that way. If he has cheated more than once, it is even more likely that it will happen again.
Bears Repeating - This is Not ALL Men
These five reasons don't paint a very favorable picture of guys...so let me reiterate, this is NOT all men. And while it might be hard for a cheater to change his ways, it's not impossible. I believe sometimes people are truly ashamed of a choice they made and would like to undo the past. In fact, if you are the Cheater here are 5 Life-Changing Steps for you! My point in this blog is to point out things to look for and consider if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who cheats.
What Does It Mean When a Guy Cheats on His Girlfriend With You?
First and foremost, it means you cheated too. If you didn’t know he had a girlfriend, it wasn’t intentional, but you do need to step back and respect the person he cheated on before you pursue or demand a relationship with this guy. If you knew he had a girlfriend, then you knowingly cheated, and it’s time to examine why. We all make mistakes, and it’s important to avoid falling into a toxic shame spiral. But it’s also important to be honest and accountable for your actions.
You can’t read his mind, or his heart, or predict his next steps. If you are in love with him and want to be with him, you can communicate that to him, but say it once, say it clearly, and then wait for his response. Continuing the relationship behind someone else’s back isn’t fair to anyone. Letting him continue to speak to you or see you while he’s still with someone else is up to you, but it is a continuation of the cheating behavior.
Once you’ve stepped away from him, whether you’re stepping away from him for good or until he breaks up with his girlfriend, you need to take some time to reflect on what you really want. You can spend time wondering what he wants, whether he’s choosing you, or what it means that he cheated to be with you, but in the end, the only person whose mind, heart, and actions you control is you.
Reflect on what the future would look like with this guy:
- If he cheated on her to be with you, would you be able to trust him to be faithful to you if he met someone else he was attracted to? Or would you be constantly worried about him cheating again?
- Do you believe you have a genuine connection with him? Was lust and the excitement of something forbidden part of what brought y’all together? Is what you have a solid foundation for a lasting, healthy relationship?
- Do you feel your personal values align with his? Is he a person you can imagine a future with? Is he someone you would want to see yourself within a year, two years, five years?
- Do you feel like you are your best self when you’re with him? Is he someone who encourages you to act within your integrity, pursue personal growth, and chase your dreams? Or is he someone who just makes you feel comfortable with the status quo and excuses behaviors you don’t like seeing in yourself?
When you find yourself in the position of being “the other woman,” you have an opportunity. Will you use this opportunity to get to know yourself better, hold yourself accountable to your values, and seek the support you need to grow?
Can a Man Cheat and Still Love His Girlfriend?
It’s important to remember that the choice to cheat rests on only one person’s shoulders: the cheater. There is nothing that the cheater’s betrayed partner did or didn’t say or do to force that choice. Sure, maybe the relationship wasn’t the healthiest, leading the cheater to desire connection outside of it, but there is no excuse for betraying someone who trusts you rather than choosing the brave path of communicating about your problems or breaking up if you’re not happy.
Now, can you cheat on someone you love? Sure, people betray those they love all the time. From borrowing your sister’s sweater without permission to asking the girl you know your best friend has a crush on to prom, you’re going to make a decision that leaves a loved one feeling betrayed at some point. The real question is, what’s going to happen with that relationship after the betrayal?
In this scenario, two decisions need to be made:
- The man who cheated has to decide if he’s willing to take responsibility for what he’s done and work like he’s never worked before to rebuild trust with his girlfriend. He has to be ready to make serious changes in his lifestyle, own up to his failures, and commit to personal growth that isn’t going to be comfortable or convenient. His other option is to let her go. If he can’t handle being faced with the consequences of his actions, like being there for her when she breaks down in tears over random triggers, being willing to cut off contact with unhealthy friendships, going to therapy, or allowing her to see his phone whenever she wants, etc. then he needs to decide to end the relationship. Otherwise, this cycle will most likely repeat itself.
- The girlfriend who got cheated on has to decide if she wants the kind of love this man can give her. Sure, he “loves” her, but he chose to be with someone else and betray that love. No matter what kind of trust is rebuilt from that point on, the past cannot be rewritten. She has to decide if she would rather do the hard work of breaking up with him, grieving that relationship, and moving on with her life or the hard work of grieving the betrayal, healing from the trauma, and learning to rebuild trust with this man she loves. Either path is difficult, and either path is an understandable choice. But the choice has to be made.
Giving it a Reason Doesn't Make it Hurt Any Less
Just because you may now be able to determine the reason your boyfriend cheated on you, it doesn't mean it hurts any less. In fact, it might hurt even more. So I want you to know, right now, that you can and will get through this. Many others have walked this path before. You might learn some tough lessons through the process, but you can come out on the other side of this stronger and ready for a healthy relationship.
In the meantime, God wants to help heal your broken heart. He promises this in the Bible:
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. Psalm 34:18 MSG
The only condition is that you need to look to God for help, pray to Him and share your feelings with Him
God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears. Look at him; give him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from him. When I was desperate, I called out, and God got me out of a tight spot. God’s angel sets up a circle of protection around us while we pray. Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—how good God is. Blessed are you who run to him. Psalm 34:4-8 MSG
God is waiting to comfort you in your pain. It's up to you whether or not to accept it.
You know they are cheating on you, but what are you going to do next? Read - Your BF/GF is Cheating on You...Now What?
Jeezuz lawd ,I am at an all point low..the internet makes sense than my reality,all the things mentioned here was spot on.Especially the parents aspect..its a lost cause .
My boyfriend cheated on me three times and I forgave him but my trust for him is ruined and I'm don't know what to do anymore I really like him and all but he always makes stupid decisions O
A cheater can change but honestly it's extremely hard to trust someone after they cheated,I took back my bf after cheating but I should of ended it then because it's been three years and I still don't trust him
I'm 49 yrs old and I'm a cheater.
After the failure of my 2nd marriage I started dating days after we seperated. And kept it up for over a year. I dated for sex and a way of dealing with emotional pain. I could not be alone for very long else I would feel lonely. Eventually I met someone I fell for but she only wanted a casual relationship. If I was dating someone else and she called I would drop them like a hot potato and jump to her side. This went on for over a year. Yet she did not want a relationship. That's how I became a cheater. I longed for her dated others for emotional security and came running to her whenever I could either dumping or lying to whom ever I was with about my situation. I didnot see the pattern. One of my new male friends a total playboy encouraged me to serial date and have sex and try to keep up with him. My record was 3 women in one day.
One amazing woman I spent a lot of time with fell madly in love with me we acted like a couple but still my feelings were with my casual girl. So I really did not even see her the way she saw me. Eventually I developed feelings but by that time I had cheated on her several times. One day I realized I wanted this relationship and came clean on everything. Coming clean seemed a total mistake as I hurt this lady to the core. While I felt clean she felt she could no longer trust me yet we stayed together. Now I was on 24 hr lock down and became her doormat. I submitted myself to her retribution as my penalty for cheating and lying. It got so bad I eventually cheated again as I was looking to end the relationship and run away. This pattern went on for over a year. It became the most gut wrenching toxic love relationship you could imagine. Eventually she left me as I could not do it.
Now I am heart broken if you can believe it. What's my point? Don't cheat, don't cheat don't cheat. Don't use women as emotional security blankets. Wait suck it up get your head on straight before you start dating again. It does not work trust me. Think twice about coming clean about cheating with your partner. Best situation don't cheat in the first place. You could end up hurting that person and effect them forever. Fix what you have. Stop cheating love your girlfriend or wife. Else beak up and move on.
I messed up the perfect relationship with the love of my life because I did not have me feelings in check. Please learn from me. You will end up alone and emotionally broke.
My ex-boyfriend of 6.5 years is a serial cheater, liar, and sex addict. I did everything for him: car loan, nice vacations, got him out to the West Coast so he could be with his dad when his dad died. He admitted to cheating after I called him out on his behavior which had changed -- he emotionally withdrew. I threw him out of the house and changed the locks the next day. He was emotionally needy but so am I. I thought we would be together forever. He has come back begging and crying. I could not go back to that. I can never trust him again. He moved on to another relationship within weeks of our breakup and announced on facebook he is in a relationship with this girl that he's known as a "friend" for awhile. I am devastated. I feel betrayed, hurt, lost, and very lonely. Sad. I don't know if I can ever trust another human.
Don't feel so bad. You deserve better you have to know that. I say that to you from experience. I was with a guy for 8 years. In the beginning of our relationship I was the sole provider and I did everything. I was around 23 (straight out of college) when we first got together and he is 13 years older than me and he cheated on me continuosly throughout our entire relationship. I became so fed up with it but did not know how to get him out of my life since we lived together and he had nothing and no one (see he had relocated to the state we lived in because of Hurricane Katrina). I felt bad and sorry for him at the same time. Well time went on and my job relocated me to another state and I did not want him to come with me but he wasn't going to leave me so we packed up and we left. While headed to South Carolina he was really irritating did not want to drive and various other things so I pulled over at convienient store and ask him did he have to use the restroom, when he went in I drove off and left him in Alabama (yes I did and I do regret doing him like this) I couldn't take it anymore (so I thought) .. Well fast forward now I'm in SC working getting adapted to new area and I am still in touch with him he still would not let me go and would call and call and beg and beg to come be with me. He would say that he learned his lesson. I told him he could come visit he did but once gone he wanted to come back and stay and I didn't want him anymore but I was kinda lonely and didn't know anyone in SC so I let him come back and he started work for a moving company which is his passion but the cheating never stopped we were together another 2 1/2 years but around last April I got completely fed up and said no more. You see I was in this relationship all the wrong way I was being faithful and having dinner ready after work all the stuff that a good wife does to someone who was not my husband ( and yes he ask before but I couldn't say yes because I didn't even trust him). I would debate with myself as to how bad it was I would rationalize and say besides the cheating he works and we get along most of the time. The last time I left him was after my mom and aunt had moved to sc from Arkansas. One day I had saw his text from a girl talking about sex the night before so I ask my mom to follow me and I went and picked up my truck from his job and left. When he got off of course he called mad. I had went and gathered my things out my house and told him he had a certain amount of time to get his stuff out. He did not want to leave I let him stay until my lease was up but I didn't stay I moved in with my mom. Once the lease was up he moved with one of the multiple girls he had been communicating with (he is the type that cannot be without a girl) that relationship didn't work and so he moved in with one of the other girls he was cheating on me with and that didn't work either. When we broke it off I found myself still loving and having feelings for him do I had to stay off of his FB page because it would only make me so mad. So I would suggest the same for you avoid snooping on social media it does not help you heal. Well back to this dude, yea the second relationship did not work either so he went back to the first girl ( how do I know all this you ask? Well he does keep and touch with me and that's another issue within itself (I believe it's a ploy). Well this is how it had turned out the relationship didn't work again he said because he is not the type that gets home from work and eats grilled cheese sandwiches. He would tell these women that they could never be me ( I told him he will never get a relationship comparing them to me and actually telling them that on my worst day I'm better than them. My feeling is obviously I'm not cause I won't let your ass go. Well it's been over a year and now he is trying to come back but he still had the same ways he ask my mom could he stay with me for a while till he found a place. Which I know he is wanting me to get a place and I have a good job so I can live by myself but I refuse to move back in with him. I'm really just praying he find him somewhere to go because I am tired of him and his hoe-ish ways. I mean he is 43 years old and hasn't learned yet and all these women he plays feels like he is the one I am so over it I just want him to be gone. The only reason I even deal with him is because I sold him my truck and he is paying me monthly. Now since my mom has a heart she wants me to make an extended part of the house an apartment for us but I do not want to do this because for instance last night he went over someone house and didn't even make it back but I bet he be here for the good Sunday meal that I will cook today. So I know this was a long rant but be thankful that it is over and go find you someone that deserves you because I am trying and it is getting hard. Because I know that my mom wants grandkids so bad. I even considered with him but it is not even worth it. He is wasting my time I feel and I have no one to talk to because I am a private person so I can't talk to my mom or friends about it. I have to vent on the Internet. It's crazy how life goes but everything happens for a reason and every test is just there to make you stronger.
I'm sorry you had to go thru that,I've had two serious boyfriends cheat on me and both times it was devastating,I feel the same as you like I really don't trust any men,best thing to do is focus on you and learn to make yourself happy,I do believe loyal men exist and remind myself not all people are the same,there is loyal and unloyal,unfortunately we had unloyal but doesn't mean you can't find a good one some day,best of luck to you
Cheating just creates a huge mess and it ruins trust forever,my boyfriend cheated and I took him back but I will never trust him again,it's been 3 yrs but I still can't trust ready to leave and move on hopefully will one day meet a loyal man
Goodness what you said about " Best situation don't cheat in the first place. You could end up hurting that person and effect them forever. Fix what you have" rings so true.I've been on both sides of this fence. My relationship was crap and I cheated on my ex, who no matter what, did love me and I loved him and I will never, for the rest of my life, forget the look on his face as he was crying, asking me "Why" - never again will I do that to someone I love and vice versa. It was a huge learning lesson for me. Those few thrills I had were not worth the relationship/pain I caused and I know I probably changed my ex forever - because it does cause lifelong pain/suspicion in subsequent relationships. I did get my karma though and was later cheated on. It hurts horribly. I spent a lot of time in therapy dealing with my guilt over cheating and vowed never to do it again in a precious relationship.
myexboyfriend and I thought we would be together again for ever is he ever going to change his ways and we have a son together that 13.00 he has a new girl friend and doesn't want to talk to me anymore what should I do
my boyfriend never cheated before but now he is cheating on me and i wonder "hmm maybe he is not satified in our relationship " I NEED ANSWERS!!!