What to Know About Mind Games

Is Playing Mind Games Emotional Abuse?

What is a mind game? Generally, a “mind game” is a manipulation tactic, when someone intentionally chooses words and actions in hopes of controlling a situation or person. While “mind games” are intentional, they may also be subconscious, especially if the manipulator is young or has mental health issues. They may not be aware of the game they’re playing, or of the impact it has on others, but they’re still intentionally seeking control.

“Gaslighting” is a classic example of a mind game that can be a form of emotional abuse. This is when someone denies or distorts reality to make their partner doubt their perceptions. It’s a tactic commonly associated with narcissistic behavior—not the same thing as your grandma genuinely not remembering your fourth-grade dance recital. If, however, your grandma denies that she attended your fourth-grade dance recital, despite the fact that you have photo evidence and vividly remember how she said you looked fat in your leotard, the bad news: grandma’s a gaslighter.

The “silent treatment” and “withholding” are also commonly employed mind games, and if they happen regularly in one of your relationships, it could be emotional abuse. We’re all guilty of being manipulative to get what we want from time to time, but the question of abuse comes in when we’re not able to own it and change, constantly repeating toxic behaviors no matter who gets hurt.

1. Trust your instincts. If you feel like something’s off, say something. Manipulation tactics often rely on the victim doubting their own reality. By staying true to your feelings and perceptions, you may be able to render someone’s mind games useless.

2. Establish boundaries. If you think you’re being manipulated, say something. Give them a clear picture of what treatment you will or won’t accept. Healthy relationships thrive on open communication and mutual respect. If they continue playing mind games after you’ve told them to stop, that’s a sign that their behavior is emotional abuse, not just a one-time mistake.

3. Seek support. A major way that emotional abusers are able to get away with their behavior is that they make their victims feel embarrassed or afraid to tell others what’s going on. Share, share, share your experiences with trusted friends, family members, or counselors. When you’re in the middle of someone else’s mind game, getting an outside perspective can help you stay connected to what’s true vs. what your manipulator wants you to think. Validation from others can reinforce your sense of reality and help you identify when you’re in an emotionally abusive situation.

Reasons Why People Play Mind Games in Dating Relationships

I hear from many of you about how confusing and frustrating dating relationships can be. It is simply hard to understand the opposite sex, especially when the person you are interested in plays mind games. It can get in the way of a deep meaningful relationship.

Dawn asked: Why do guys bother with the mind games? You know, when they say one thing and mean another just to get what they want?

To be fair, girls play mind games too. So let's include both sides here. There could be several reasons why guys or girls play mind games, and sometimes they don't even know they are playing games because they are so unaware of their own needs, much less yours.

If you’re wondering how to figure out whether you’re in a relationship with someone who plays emotionally abusive mind games, here are three tips:

Here Are a Few Reasons I've Observed Over the Years and How to Respond.

Reason 1: To Manipulate

Some people use mind games to selfishly manipulate others so they can get what they want to meet their own unmet needs. This may include:

• sex
• always having someone by their side
• having someone adore them
• a need to control someone
• hoping another person will heal their deepest hurts
• boosting their self-image because they have someone to show off to others
• having someone to listen to them

Not all these needs are wrong, or unhealthy. It is the way they go about getting those needs met that can be selfish and hurtful.

So, what should you do in this case?

Call Their Bluff

It's important for the person who is playing mind games with you to know that you know the game is being played. You may want to confront them directly and ask what exactly their motives are in your relationship. This will do one of two things: it will either challenge them to stop the games with you and move on to someone else, or they'll quit not only messing with your head but also with your heart. You don't need to waste time with mind players. Who needs the drama? Not you! Read about how to have a meaningful relationship here.

Perhaps they are unaware of his manipulative and game-playing ways. Someone once said, "A liar will first lie to himself before lying to others." Your willingness to lovingly, but firmly, confront someone about what they have clearly been doing may help them to stop a game they may not even know they are playing. But remember this: don't simply listen to what they say, watch what they do. That will tell you more about motives than anything. I want very much for you to have a great, loving relationship, but I sure don't want you hurt by a game player. You can do much better than him.

What's Another Reason for Mind Games?

Reason 2: They Like the Rush

Kourtney asked: "Why would a guy flirt and act like he likes me and then all of a sudden stop? I have this guy friend who would email daily and tell me everything that’s going on and then he just stopped." In another question, Brittany asked: "Why in the world do guys act like they like you one minute and then the next they treat you like they barely know you?"

Some people want to see if they can get a guy or girl to like them. To them, it is more like a game or a challenge. They say to themselves, 'If I can get a girl or guy to fall for me, then I must be pretty cool". All of this comes from low self-esteem and an unawareness of how they hurt others. Still, others are in a frantic state of mind, wanting that thrill of knowing at least one person cares about them. It’s like a high. But they soon get bored once they think the person they have been pursuing actually likes them. Then they are on to the next conquest. The hunt is on for the next rush. Sadly, many people have very little insight into what they are doing and why.

Well, that stinks...so now what?

Confront and Move On

You have a choice in this. You can choose to confront this guy and ask him what he’s really feeling (be prepared for him to become angry and defensive because no one likes being found out — remember, he may not fully understand why he’s doing what he’s doing either!). Or you can take his indifference as a clue that he’s not truly interested in you, and move on. You don’t have to be a victim of another person’s lack of consideration for others. 

I Have One More Reason for Mind Games...

Reason 3: Testing The Water

Other times, people play with your mind in an attempt to find out how you feel about them. It takes so much courage to be vulnerable enough to share our deepest needs of wanting to love and be loved. What if you tell someone you really care for them and you are rejected in some way. You may feel like you are being led on, but perhaps the other person is just too nervous to make the first move.

Riah asked: “When you know a guy likes you and that guy knows you like him, then why does it take so long for him to make the first move?”

For years, there’s always been pressure on guys to make the first move. Now it seems girls are getting more aggressive all the time. Still, in many relationships, both genders (either consciously or unconsciously) expect the guy to be the initiator and the girl to be the responder.  Remember, a lot of guys act tough and macho, but inside they are also afraid of rejection.

Wondering how to move things forward...

Suggest Defining the Relationship

You may want to help each other out by making a simple suggestion. You might say something like this: "You know, you and I have been talking to each other for a while and I’m a little confused. So let’s define our relationship." This allows you to talk about it in a non-threatening way. Being emotionally open and vulnerable isn’t easy, but it might have great rewards or allow you to move on.

Remember that nobody’s perfect, and we’re all learning. If you’ve caught yourself playing mind games, take the opportunity to own that and do better. If you think you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, speak up, set boundaries, and ask for support. As always, please reach out to one of our Hope Coaches if you need more clarity on healthy relationships and emotional abuse. We’re here, so you never have to deal with life’s toughest questions alone!