On many TV shows, in movies, and on magazine covers, girls are often portrayed as:

• People who are obsessed with their appearance.
• People who determine their value by how thin they can be.
• People who appear ready and willing to hook up whenever and wherever.

Don't Buy the Cultural Lie

It’s as if “woman” has been stripped of almost every good, pure, and honorable quality. Instead, you’re told that completion is found in beauty, sex, and money. And as you’re probably already aware, those aren’t exactly the best values to have.
The result of all this is that many girls have associated value and significance with weight and appearance; self-esteem with sex appeal; acceptance with becoming It. They’ve bought the cultural lie that says, “Unless you have the right look, you’ll never be worth anything, you’ll never accomplish anything, you’ll never be somebody.”

You may be thinking: “Wait a second. I want people to like me. I want boys to like me. And the only way to get boys to like me is to be pretty and thin—sexy. That stuff is important.”

Sure, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good or be liked. But there’s something wrong with thinking that how you look or how popular you are is the most important thing in the world, the thing that defines who you are and gives you value. Suddenly you start thinking that without those $200 jeans you’ll just die. Or that you have to lose 15 pounds before you can like yourself. You get into a constant pursuit for more stuff, a better body, and more popularity. A pursuit that’ll never satisfy because it never ends.

The Things That Matter

It’s so easy to start thinking that being attractive is the only thing that matters. You forget that being kind and funny and smart and faithful to God can be good things too. You start thinking that how you look is who you are.

That’s how Jessica felt when she wrote to me and said, “I am ugly! I hate how I look. I hate how I dress. I hate my stomach. I hate my nose. Why can’t I be different? Why did God make me this way? What was He thinking?"

I bet you’ve said or felt similar things. Just think about how much time you’ve spent standing in front of the mirror, saying, “I hate how I look.” Or looking at a picture of a friend, or some famous actress or model and thinking, “Why can’t I be as perfect as her?”   Soon all you’re thinking is, “I’ll never be pretty enough. I’ll never be sexy enough. I’ll never be…enough.”

God Knows Everything About You

God knows absolutely everything about you. And when He looks at you, He sees your beauty and potential. Not your so-called imperfections. He wants to make you complete, just as He created you to be. He wants to make you see that being you is a good thing.

Think of your favorite beautiful beach. Or the flowers you hope a guy will give you one day. Or the stars you wish on sometimes at night, half-heartedly hoping that wish will change things. The stars, the beach, the flowers—God created each of them exactly as He wanted them to be. And each is uniquely remarkable. But of all God’s wondrous creations, He gave your creation the most attention. And when He created you, He didn’t make a mistake.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made!  I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, the days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day. Psalm 139:14 MSG

Accept Yourself Through God's Eyes

“Um, excuse me. He didn’t make a mistake? You’ve got to be kidding. I’m a walking mistake with all my fat and zits and my ugly hair and big nose.”

Okay, that’s fair. Knowing that God lovingly created you doesn’t change the fact that you have pimples or a nose you don’t particularly care for or a million other features you think are unappealing. And just because you’re reading this doesn’t mean that tomorrow you’ll wake up, look in the mirror, and fully love what and who you see. But—and this is a tough skill to master—you have to learn to look at yourself with God’s eyes and not your own. Your eyes have been trained by the world around you to see all your physical flaws—and nothing else. But God’s value system is different, and—believe it or not—better.

Learning to see yourself as God sees you is about learning to look beyond the things you don’t like and realizing you’ve been created exactly the way He wanted. To Him, you’re unique. And He has an amazing plan for your life that requires zits and a big nose to make it complete. (I know this sounds crazy but try to trust me.) You can’t see it yet, but God has a reason behind every “flaw” and a purpose behind every imperfection.

God's Big Plan for You

If you believe what that Psalm says, then you believe that God had good intentions when He made you. And He knew everything that was going to happen to you before you were even born. He even knew about the bad haircut you got last week.

Believe this: Every time He looks at you, He sees your life from beginning to end, and He sees how each piece fits together to make something awesome. All you can see is what’s in the mirror today. But that’s just one tiny, tiny step in God’s big plan for you. And He never stops working to make that big plan a reality.

Are you struggling with your body image or think you are not good enough just the way you are? Watch this video slam poem by Lauryn Lugo.

Jeffrey Dean is a best-selling inspirational speaker, author and teacher who is devoted to making families strong. Throughout his 25-year career, Jeffrey has spoken to more than 4 million people throughout our nation's churches, universities, conferences, prisons and schools.

This blog was originally published at Being Me Is A Good Thing.

 

Felt It Was My Fault My Dad Left

When my dad left 5 years ago, I started feeling like it was my fault that he left. I have been feeling like this for a long time. These feelings led to depression and anxiety.

Abandoned Again

Then I started feeling really happy two years ago, when I had a teacher that really understood what I was going through. She made me feel really special and my anxiety and depression started getting better. But 2 months before school ended, she left without saying goodbye to anyone. That really hurt and once again I felt like it was my fault she left. So I started cutting and getting depressed again.

God Rescued Me

I was baptized this year and I feel like my life is starting to get way better now that I’m a Christian. A lot of my mood swings have been really good too, even if I do feel anxious about my past, I know God is bringing about positive change in my life. I moved to a new school this year and it has been really good meeting new people and make new memories. God is helping me to live a better life. I am less anxious and depressed. Thank you Lee for talking to me on TheHopeLine. I really appreciate it! ~ Jackson

Remember...It's Never Your Fault

The feeling of being abandoned by people we love, can lead to many harmful behaviors to cover up the pain that you feel. This blog from Dawson McAllister might help process what you have gone through Dealing With Abandonment. Remember it is never your fault if a parent has abandoned you. You cannot carry the blame for a grown adult’s abusive decision.

And if you want to find the peace that Jackson found please consider this...Learn More About God.

Life Looked Good

Our high school son was a high-energy, 3 sport athlete, life of the party, good grades sort of kid.  His two younger brothers looked up to him.  Life appeared great.

It all came crashing down

One night, he was out with friends during his Junior year and the police stopped the car he was riding in because a tail light was out. This should have been no problem, but my son had far too much to drink. The impulsive track star panicked and set off running, only to be caught and put in jail. No parent wants to get a call at 2 am, from a voice that sounds like your son, proclaiming he has ruined his life!

In church the next day. He was rather catatonic. He talked of killing himself because he couldn't get past thinking he had ruined his life. When asked how he planned to take his life, he admitted he would tie a rock to himself and jump off the pier that we live near. Being a nurse, I knew to take his thoughts seriously, especially because he had a plan! I immediately decided we were going for help right then.

My husband could not quite understand my urgency, after all this same day was my youngest son's birthday. Couldn't we celebrate him first? But anyone in the medical profession is taught to seek help immediately for suicidal thoughts

Getting Professional Help

Our son did NOT want to go to the mental health hospital.  So I point blank looked at my 6 ft son and said, "I’m your mom, I love you and we are going."

I'm so glad we went. It was the beginning of his journey to getting the help he needed. They set us up with counseling, and my son allowed me to be part of the counseling, which helped as I was able to give history around his story. They realized it was not just an alcohol abuse issue, there were too many other signs. We were referred to a psychiatrist, who thought he may have bipolar disorder or ADHD. We had to try different meds. There was no instant fix. I had to stay vigilant and watchful as he was in depression. I'll never forget one day when I came home to find he had one of our hunting guns out. We were also dealing with the court system during all of this, due to his running from police and drinking underage. It was a very difficult time in our lives.

However, with new medications used for ADHD, things started to turn around. We also received a lot of support from Young Life, as he was involved in this ministry as well.

Just over a year later we sent him off to college. We prayed he would be able to navigate the new environment he would encounter. We were thankful that at least now he had the tools to understand himself better.

Today...

Today, I am happy to share that he is alive, and has a beautiful wife and son and a career as an attorney.

I am aware all stories don’t have happy endings. My friend's grandson ended his life a year ago.  But I share my story today because I hope and pray it will encourage others to stay vigilant when your loved one may be showing signs and symptoms that things are just not right with them.

And to those who feel like there is no way out. Call a hotline, or speak to a counselor at school. Allow friends or family to help you get into counseling. Sometimes it can be hard to make these moves on your own. When it's hard to see a way out, allow others to help, even when it doesn’t make sense!  You are loved! God loves you for always!

P.S. - I grew up in dysfunction and was suicidal but never shared. I wish I had. My life may have been easier in many ways. Grateful I didn’t take action on my thoughts.
May God Bless you with strength!
~ Kathleen

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Looking for more help with depression and suicidal thoughts read, Why Do People End Their Life by Suicide or Feelings of Depression.

It's Time to Do Something

Sexual assault stories are all over the news. It is no secret that this is a huge issue. Are you ready to work toward change?

One in five college women will be sexually assaulted this year, and it's not just females; one in 16 guys will be sexually assaulted while in college as well. (National Sexual Violence Research Center)

This Is No Joke

For too long we have not done enough to stop it. There has been stigma, fear, and hopelessness associated with reporting rape on college campuses. I hope this is ending. I hope we are done with all the ridiculous excuses: "Boys will be boys" and "Did you see what she was wearing?" "He was asking for it." " She was drunk."  "He didn't mean it." "But he has such a bright future." "He never said no."  "What's the big deal?"

https://youtu.be/Dx54t8h5Q5U?si=TDKoOiRy6kmWb8yV

This needs to end because sexual assault is not something that someone just gets over. The trauma caused by sexual assault is serious. So often victims of sexual assault develop depression or PTSD as the memory of the assault continues to haunt them. Or they turn to self-harm or substance abuse or an eating disorder to cover up their pain.

So It's Time to Do Something!

But what? Do we hashtag another cause? Wear another color. Buy another T-shirt? These things certainly have their place. But I'd like to get more real.  Prevention is possible.  So let's get busy.

Sexual Assault: It's On Us

There is a powerful campaign called It's On Us. This campaign suggests real ways that we can all step in to prevent sexual assault. For example, It's On Us:

• To intervene if a situation appears questionable. No more walking away.
• To trust your gut. If it looks bad, it probably is. No more "It's none of my business." or "I'm probably overreacting."
• To protect those who have had too much to drink. No more turning a blind eye at parties where someone is too intoxicated to give consent to sex.
• To agree that non-consensual sex is rape. Period. No more grey areas.

--If consent can't be given because someone is too drunk = rape
--If consent wasn't voluntary or mutual = rape
--If consent was suggested but then withdrawn = rape
--If consent was given in the past, but not now = rape

What You Can Do

If you want to take the It's On Us Pledge to make a personal commitment to keep yourself and others safe from sexual assault, CLICK HERE. Take the Pledge.

While I encourage you to take action, I also want you to protect yourself in the process. So here are some practical things you can do if you suspect a sexual assault could occur:

1. Enlist the help of friends, a bartender, a bouncer, campus security, the police. Don't go it alone.

2. If you notice someone is being cornered or isolated at a party or bar and is too intoxicated to protect themselves, step in. Create a distraction, draw attention to something else, whatever you can do to separate the people in the situation.

3. Be direct...if you see a questionable situation, ask if they need help.

4. Stick together. Take friends home, and never leave someone behind.

5. Be aware of the effects of alcohol. On average, at least 50% of college students’ sexual assaults are associated with alcohol use. (NCBI)

6. Let's be alert and aware. Let's take action and be part of the solution. The statistics can change!

Never Your Fault

But here's the thing...in the end, if a sexual assault does occur, it is NEVER your fault. It is NEVER the victim's fault. It is always the rapist's fault.  For more help on sexual assault read my blog on Coping with Sexual Abuse.

If you or a friend has been sexually assaulted, please seek help. You need to tell your story. You can heal. Please contact TheHopeLine or our partner organization, RAINN.  Here is more information on Reporting Abuse.

 My Childhood was Full of Pain

I was born into a drug using family. My father has never been in my life. My mother used drugs up until last year. While living with my mother I went through plenty of traumatic events such as not having a father, being beaten, dragged by my hair, etc. I ran away several times at age 7.

Then I was Raped

I was also molested as a child.  I was raped by my mom's friend who was a cop and had a family of his own. I gave him my trust, and if I'm being honest, I gained feelings for this man. However, after the rape, I reported it because I knew what he was doing to me was wrong. I felt so much pain after I spoke up. I started having nightmares, and I didn't want to go to school.

I began acting out 2 months later. I got to the point where I was making irrational plans.  One plan was to run away or even better I would go to his house and maybe he would run away with me. My worst plan was to take a bottle of pills and end it all. I felt like I was going insane. Every time I closed my eyes I'd see him and hear his voice. I'd hear how he used to say my name and it hurt so much.

Learning to Cope with TheHopeLine

As of today I am waiting for trial still trying to cope with my feelings. But I know with TheHopeLine I always have someone to listen to me even if I have to wait 6 minutes or so. They've helped me so much. If it wasn't for them, I don't know if I would be here. ~Jodi

At TheHopeLine we talk to a lot of people that face extremely difficult circumstances in their lives. Some of you may read their stories and think, "I don't know if I'd be strong enough to endure all that." Others of you may feel that they are describing your life, and you are searching for how they held on despite their struggles.  What we can tell you is it is important that if you are feeling swallowed up by your pain to talk about it.  Whether you talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine or a friend, counselor, pastor, or parent...TALK to someone about how you are feeling, just like Jodi did.

If you too have suffered sexual abuse, please read this post - Coping with Sexual Abuse. You may also be encouraged by this video ~Talleha's Story  This story shows that there is hope!

If you feel you may need to report abuse, please go here - Report Abuse

We understand how hard life can be and are here to help you. We are also here to share that God is with you in your pain. He loves you and wants to bring you peace. You just need to turn to him.

I Made a Bad Choice to Cover My Pain

Before I married my husband, I lost someone who was my everything. He passed away, and I never coped with his loss.  I just wanted someone to love me and fill that spot in my heart. And that's where my husband comes in. He made me feel loved for a few days. I got married at 21 years-old. However, our relationship was never stable. We were always on again/off again.

I Ignored the Red Flags

In our relationship, I have gone through physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. I thought I was really in love, but the abuse started after I told him I was really falling for him. We broke up got back together and broke and back together for a year this went on. I decided to quit drinking and I quit doing drugs for him by then we were engaged. We married and nothing changed. He cheated with my used-to-be BFF from high school. This has taken a huge toll on me emotionally.

I've Had Enough - TheHopeLine Helped!

So today on our 2nd anniversary I decided "no more!" I was having thoughts of suicide and self-harm. But I didn't really want that, so I searched online to talk to someone. I chatted with a HopeCoach who was able to hear me out on everything I'm going through. I signed up for an e-mail mentor to help me cope with my divorce.

So the journey begins. Trust me I'm scared and in a way excited to get through this with TheHopeLine's help. Thank you for Hope.
-Jewel

If you too have been abused or cheated on, we are so sorry.  No one ever deserves to be treated that way.  Please know that you are valuable and worthy and it's O.K. to stand up for yourself.  If you are scared or you don't know where to start, we are here to help.

First, believe that you are worth loving and read this - How Can I Learn to Love Myself. Then read either I've been Cheated on...Now What? or Hope for the Abused.  Also, don't live in silence, please start talking to someone. Just like Jewel, you can chat with a HopeCoach and sign up for an e-mail mentor from our Get Help page and get support for your journey.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you are not alone.  There is help for you.

You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1.800.799.7233 or CHAT with them HERE.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. For a list of crisis centers around the world and additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

October 24, 2017, is a day that will forever be engrained into my mind. It was a day that I always feared but one that I never thought would actually happen. I can remember the weather, what I was wearing, what happened, and everything else in between.  That day was the day my sister passed away and when my life was completely torn apart.

Over ten years ago, my sister was diagnosed with a mental illness and although she lived a happy and healthy life for much of that time, she lost her battle with her illness on that fall morning.

In the months following my sister’s death, my eyes were opened to a whole new world of mental illness and the stigma that seemed to follow it. I would overhear people say things about mental illness or poke fun at things associated with it and that infuriated me. There I was, dealing with the loss of my sister and I would hear people make comments such as, “I’d rather kill myself than go to work today” or things like downplaying depression would come into the conversation and I was shocked at the lack of education and awareness. It broke my heart that I would hear things like that in my grieving, but it tore me apart knowing that these comments are said so casually and without knowing what’s in your audience's mind.

As unfortunate as it is, the truth is that mental illness is a difficult thing to process and deal with because it is so complex. While other illnesses attack parts of the body, mental illness attacks within the brain and since the brain is such a complex part of the body, there is little understanding of how one should treat their mental illness and little understanding as to what mental illness actually is.

My passion in life is to fight against the stigma of mental illness. I want to break down the walls surrounding it and begin having real and honest conversations so that we can end the stigma and begin helping those who are too embarrassed or ashamed of their illness to ask for help.

The Traumatic Loss

So, let’s get real. My name is Lauren and for months following my sister’s death, I faced depression, PTSD, grief, panic attacks, fear, anxiety, and insomnia. Some days were manageable and other days all I wanted to do was sleep away the pain. I never knew what the day would bring and that was always a bit scary for me. I wanted to wake up each morning feeling great, but I would lay in bed at night terrified of how I would feel when the morning came.

On that day in October, I experienced a traumatic loss in my family and it would not be normal if I was just acting "happy" all of the time. In fact, what I was experiencing in response to that loss is very normal.  Not only was I grieving the loss of my sister, but I was also dealing with all the other things associated with it. I was navigating through a whole host of emotions and it has been quite the journey. Some nights I would not sleep for more than one or two hours. On other days, it was hard for me to get out of bed and face the day. At times, I would gaze off and have flashbacks when people would say things that triggered me. With that, I also feared losing people close to me and I would feel anxious about day-to-day tasks.

Fighting an Uphill Battle

Here's the thing. In the months following her death, I had to fight an uphill battle every single day. It was hard. It was brutal. But I had to fight and claw my way out of those dark times with the hope that one day I would overcome them. At times I had nothing except for the hope that one day things would get better. That one day I wouldn’t be plagued with deep grief and sadness.

Thankfully, I have been able to fight this battle and things have gotten better. On some days I wake up and have to fight the negative feelings creeping in, but on other days I wake up feeling great, which is normal when dealing with a tragedy.  I still (and probably always will) struggle with the painful reality that I have to live the rest of my life without my sister and some days will be harder than others, but I will keep fighting to progress forward.

Each day I grow stronger in the things that I face and although sometimes I take a few steps back, I feel like I also take leaps forward. This will always be part of my story, the depression, and grief. I’m not sure that I will ever be fully “cured” of those because what I had to experience was quite damaging, but what I do know is that I am not at all ashamed of my story.  I did not choose for my life to go down this path and I sure as heck did not choose the circumstances that brought me here. My depression and grief do not define me, but they are part of me and I am not embarrassed by that.

Grateful for My Grief

This is my story and as odd as it sounds, I am grateful that my grief has taken me down this journey because it has put me in the position to understand what people feel when they are struggling. It helps me see the world from a new perspective. And most of all, it helps me to truly understand that God is faithful, He is good, and that my life is nothing without Him. I have been forced to open my hands and find true surrender in the arms of God. Ultimately, I have experienced the amazing love and joy that only God has to offer in the midst of my deep and dark pain. I’m still on the journey, but I continue to have hope.

So where do we go from here?

Your Mental Illness does NOT Define You

Well, to those who are faced with a mental illness like my sister was, I am sorry for the stigma the world has placed on your situation. You are not any less of a person; you are not crazy; you do not have to feel embarrassed. Your brain just doesn’t feel well and your mental illness does NOT define you. There is help for you and there are people who understand what you are going through.  You can overcome this and you can feel better. Never lose hope that things are going to get better and that one day you will start to feel your joy come back.

Don't Make Jokes about Mental Illness 

To those who do not have a mental illness, pay attention to what you say. Think about your words. Don’t make jokes about mental illness, never joke about suicide, and when someone comes to you and says they are struggling with depression, love them and care for them. Help them. You may not have a mental illness, but you do have a part in stopping the stigma of it.

Let’s begin to break the stigma by simply talking about your story. I know I would love to hear it.

The traumatic experience of losing a loved one to suicide is very different than losing a loved one in any other way. For more help read, To Survivors of Suicide Loss. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Lauren Wierzba is a 28-year-old who is passionate about bringing awareness to mental health. On October 24th, 2017 her sister lost her battle with mental illness and so began Lauren's journey of fighting for those who cannot fight for themselves. Her purpose in life is to erase the stigma of mental illness.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Porn Addiction as a Christian

I Was the Last Person Expected to Fall

Now, if you watched my life as I grew up, I may very well be the last person you would expect to fall into pornography. I had a great home life.  We went to church regularly.  My parents lived out their faith in their day to day lives, setting a wonderful example for me as to what a Christian’s life looks like, and demonstrating what true Christ-like love is. They’ve homeschooled me and have always been very involved in my life.  I accepted Jesus as my personal Savior the night before my 4th birthday. I started ballet when I was 5 and have been involved in dance ministry and worship since the age of 7.  I was the good Christian girl who always followed the rules and loved to dance for Jesus.  However, just because you seem to have everything going for you doesn’t mean you are impervious to sin – of any kind – and at the age of 12, I slipped into pornography.

I spent months there not really thinking much of it.  I just knew I liked it because something about it was exciting…electrifying even, and it temporarily quieted the emptiness inside of me.  There was this longing, this thirst, in my heart.  Jesus was the answer that I needed, but I hadn’t been intentional in my relationship with Him.  I exchanged drinking from the Living Water for what the world offered me, porn.  What I didn’t realize though was that, while it tasted good, I was actually drinking poison.

Help Me, I'm Addicted to Pornography!

One day, by the grace of God, it was like a light turned on inside of me and I knew how wrong what I was doing was.  I didn’t just know it was wrong, I also knew how desperately I needed to stop.  This was not honoring to God.  This is not what He wanted for my life.  So, I dug my heels in, flexed my super-awesome spiritual muscles, and said no more pornography ever again.  The next day I found myself sitting there with my iPod touch, watching porn.

What was wrong with me?  I knew I needed to stop!  Porn was taking over my life.  It affected how and what I thought.  It changed how I interacted with my family.  It interfered with school.  It stole my time.  What I was doing was dishonoring to the people – creations God made in His image and that He loves – in those pictures and videos.  I was not honoring my future husband by not keeping my heart and mind pure.  I wasn’t honoring my parents by sneaking around and hiding this from them.  And more than all of those I was dishonoring God with the lifestyle of sin I was choosing to live in.  Yet here I was doing it again- and after I just said I wasn’t going to anymore!

Pornography Addiction: Is There Hope?

God Is the Only One Who Can Break Me Free

That cycle repeated endlessly for months.  I would fall, pick myself back up, determined to “do better” or “try harder” next time, and then fall again.  Finally, I was at the end of my rope.  I thought I would never get out.  How could that be??  This isn’t the kind of life God wants me to live, I know that, so why would He leave me stuck like this forever?  There can’t be any way out, because God wouldn’t do that.  He wants me to honor Him with my life, so why can’t I do that?! This thought brought me to the place I needed to be all along: on my knees before the throne of God.  It was there that I learned a very important lesson.  I can’t stay away from sin, and I can’t get out of the mess I made.  God is the only one with the power to break me free, and all I have to do is go to Him and ask.

I love those stories of miraculous transformations, the testimonies of someone finding God and instantly everything they were in bondage to ended and they never struggled with it again.  That isn’t my story, but that is okay because God is making the most perfect story of my life that there can be, just like He does for everyone.  My story is one of a journey.  It’s a journey with lots of rocks and bumps where I fall again and again, but every time find the arms of a loving God and Father to pick me back up as I learn more and more to keep my eyes on Him.  My life didn’t transform overnight, but through a process of running to God again and again for forgiveness and for help, I left the lifestyle and chains of pornography behind.

I was free!  I was no longer bound and controlled by pornography anymore!  But….this question kept screaming in the back of my head: what now?  What do I do now?  Who am I anymore?  How can I ever come back from this?…

I Felt Guilty and Dirty Drowning in Shame

Whenever you hear about someone who did something really bad it was always before they knew Jesus. Then they would hear the gospel and accept Him as their Savior, and their life would change.  When they get saved their slate is washed clean.  Not only that, but while sin is still wrong even when you aren’t a Christian, you can’t really hold it against someone who isn’t saved because they don’t have the Holy Spirit living in them.  That wasn’t me though… I had been saved years before I messed up.  There was no asking Jesus into my heart and getting a new start.  How was there any hope of redemption for me?

This fear haunted me for months.  I felt guilty and dirty, drowning in my shame.  And I couldn’t dare tell anyone.  I was the good girl who followed the rules and danced for Jesus, remember?  I couldn’t imagine what people would think if they knew what I did – if they knew how horrible I was.  And I couldn’t stand to think about telling my parents and seeing their disappointment when they realized who I really was.  I despised myself, and I hid in my fear under the crushing weight of my memories.  Even as I was in that place, God was with me – just as He had been through everything up to this point – and He loved me.  He had something special waiting that He was bringing me to.

Purity Is Not Just a Physical Thing

The summer of 2013, when I was 14 years old, I went to Ballet Magnificat’s Summer Dance Intensive.  During the two weeks I was there, they had a purity talk.  We were split into two groups, primarily by age, but I ended up in the younger group even though other people my age went with the older girls.  I wasn’t too happy with this, but looking back now I understand why it happened.  In the group I was in, purity was talked about not as just a physical issue but as a spiritual thing – it is important to keep your mind and heart pure too.  In fact, your mind and heart are where it all starts.  God really convicted me of how I had not been doing that, and while the counselors in the room said they were happy to talk with us, I was too scared to approach any of them.  I hid in a dark corner of the room and told God it would just have to be good enough for me to pray and talk to Him silently by myself.  I closed my eyes and tried to work through it all without looking too emotional, but God loved me too much to leave me alone in that dark corner with my guilt and fear.  He had bigger, better plans than that!

I Tried to Hide and God Had Other Plans

As I was hiding, He prompted one of the counselors, Jessica, to come and talk to me.  She sat down next to me and asked if there was anything I needed to talk about.  My heart started racing even faster.  I was pretty much terrified, so I tried talking about some other things in my life, hoping that she would accept my answer and go away.  She listened patiently to what I said, and she prayed with me about it.  Whew! I was safe.  Or so I thought.  As long as I live, I will never forget the next moment after she finished that prayer.  Jessica looked at me and asked if there was anything else I needed to talk about.  I froze. She said when she was praying, she sensed there was something more…something to do with memories that haunted me at night….images that I thought about.  All I could think is, “this can’t be happening.”  I don’t remember if I actually managed to ever say anything or if I just kind of nodded my head in agreement, but Jessica prayed with me again.  She prayed for full freedom for me, and she prayed that I would stop being chased by those memories.

That night marked a milestone for me.  It was the first time I realized I could be more than just free from the act of watching porn.  I can be free from guilt and shame too.  My heart can heal and I can feel whole again.  I had never thought that was possible.  That night it started to make sense.  I didn’t need to be saved again to have a clean start from my sin.  I already had a clean slate.  Jesus knew what I would do before I was born, and when He died on the cross it was for all of my sins – regardless of whether it was committed before or after I was saved.  When Jesus cried “It  is finished!" (John 19:30), He said that over my pornography addiction. I was covered. Paid in full. Not guilty. Right now.

God's Love, Grace, and Forgiveness

After that night, I thought I was good to go, but again God had bigger plans.  The next day, four times, from three separate people, I heard reference to 1 John, 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”  I knew what this meant, but I so wished it didn’t mean it: God wanted me to tell my parents.  It was possibly the hardest conversation I have ever had, but more than the dread and the sudden inability to speak proper English, I remember the quiet in the room.  They weren’t angry and yelling at me.  They were quiet.  But this wasn’t a quiet of disappointment or condemnation like I expected to find.  This was the quiet of much love and grace.  It was full forgiveness.  I didn’t have to be afraid.

God has continued to heal me and redeem my life story.  I have had opportunities to share my testimony with people, and I have found that not only does it help them, but it also brings just that much more healing to my heart.  God has kept opening my eyes to what grace and forgiveness mean.  My sin isn’t covered as if a sheet was thrown over it so that it is covered up and “out of sight”, it is completely washed away, thrown into the depths of the sea, as far as the east is from the west, remembered by God no more.  “‘Come now, let us settle the matter,’ says the LORD. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.’” (Isaiah 1:18)  “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12) “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” (Hebrews 8:12)

Because of Jesus’ blood, it is as if I have never sinned.  Jesus is my purity.  In Him, I am completely whole and without flaw.

Amanda Turner is the founder and head writer of Breaking Free Indeed.  Her hope is that by sharing her own story and the truths God has shown her, others might not feel so alone on their own journeys and can also find help in these truths.   This passion grew from seeing how God freed her from the struggles that she felt so trapped in and redeemed the brokenness that she once thought could only be hidden at best.

Are you struggling with an addiction to pornography? For more help read "7 Steps Towards a Porn-Free Life".

I was cutting every day when I talked to a HopeCoach.

It was not a pretty sight. I was dragged down by everyone around me. My father was a very abusive man. I would get hurt for just simply being in the same room as him. I attempted suicide and landed myself in the hospital. I had no desire to change, so those 7 days were the absolute worse. I still had to go home to an abusive father.  I had no hope in my heart.

But then I talked to a HopeCoach, and I couldn't stop thinking about what that HopeCoach said to me: Could I actually be worth something?

That question thrived in me for the next 7 months, but I still couldn't stop cutting, and I still wanted to die.

So I reached out to TheHopeLine again and with the help of my HopeCoach this time, I was able to admit myself to the mental health unit of our local hospital again. This time with pure hope in mind. I wanted that recovery!

Thriving and Giving Back

Since that day, almost a year ago, I have been clean from self-injury and I have been thriving! I'm now the assistant with an organization that dedicates itself to helping young women be free from self-injury.  See what a little hope can do! :-)
~ Colleen

Colleen got help from a HopeCoach as well as an organization TheHopeLine is partnered with called Door of Hope. If you struggle with Self-Harm, let those same words sink into your heart...You. Are. Worth. Something.

If you are ready to thrive and recover, this guest post by Door of Hope Founder, Debra Cornacchia, gives great insight into getting help for self-harm, A Door of Hope for Cutters